I am making a list of things that need to be done before we head to our next job. Thankfully it is only a 4 hours drive. So, today I cleaned the jack rods and sprayed them with silicone. I have been trying for years to get him to clean them and decided if it is to get done, I will do it. When I went back under the motorhome to do the back jacks I saw CC playing with a baby snake. Not sure if it was a bull or rattle - too small. It did have brown circular strips which makes me think baby rattlesnake. Of course, Art gets a rag, picks it up and throws it over the fence. We had one disappointed cat!!
Also, together we flushed out our hot water tank. Every time I took a shower I could still smell the water from Yuma. Could not believe all the stuff that came out of it. It is now clean and next shower we will see if it smells - or rather doesn't smell!
Had to buy hb a new pair of sneakers today. The last ones were bought mid-August and he has already worn thru the souls on the heal. His normal is to wear the ball of the foot out, not the heal. I told him it is cause he drags his feet when walking. Even though he only walks maybe a half-mile a day around the park, dragging on the asphalt will do them in. The pair he just wore out were $40 marked down to $20 shoes - today they were $35 marked down to $10. I know, for many $20 is considered cheap, but for us that is expensive.
The nights are cool but days are into the 70s - just beautiful. It is suppose to start raining Sunday. I hope not cause due to late spring, the grapes are being picked yet.
October started out COLD and rainy. 48 was the high and it is 41 now and going down. Not ready for this but expected. Our town has it's annual Autumn Leaf Festival starting today and we always get lousy weather the first few days. Next weekend we hope the weather is better as our little town of 8000 swells to almost 100,000 for a couple of days. We always left town to avoid the parking and crowds but don't go anywhere anymore.
DH is really slipping and has lost another 5 lbs. Weighed 171 at his last Drs. appointment. Now weighs 147.
1st weekend in october here has turned cooler than normal for NC. 58 yesterday but i think is it to warm back up to high 60's this week. l love october and the fall in general all our family bdays start in august and roll until the end of the year , of course we are adding few now in other months as the family grows. our daughter was born the end of october so again a favorite month for me. it puts me in travel moods more even then the summer though and that is depressing. i have not left DH yet for a respite time , so we have not been apart in about 2 yrs. just wondering if i can do for a night or two. i love Charleston Sc at thanksgiving hum....
It is a glorious 72° in Fl. We'll be heading up to Va. shortly and I hope for cool weather and beautiful leaves. Did you northerners know that palm fronds don't turn red in the cold :D
I remember our first family trip to Florida when our kids were little. We drove down from Chicago in February and I kept pointing out the "pine trees" to the kids. My daughter kept reminding me they were "palm trees". I said "I know" and then the next one I would call it a pine tree again. :)
The kids are now 29 and 24 and they still tease me about the pine trees in Florida.
1st Christmas after we were married, we visited hb's family if FL, and he told me as we were driving that in FL palmetto bushes were decorated for Christmas trees. I WAS impressed w/all the poinsettias growing in yards, being a Yankee.
Oct is starting out cold and dreary in WV had our first wet snow up in the mts. on Friday. This used to be a happy time for us we were married on Oct 22 and my birthday is on Oct 18-so we usually went away for a few days. Now I look at the month ahead with dread as I do most everyday. I know I should not feel that way but that is how it is! I have never been to FL but would love to see it sometime. My daughter just came back from Ft.Myers and she and the family loved it.
bak - my birthday is the 18th, too so we can celebrate the day together.
Deb - if you go to the Florida Panhandle you will see pine trees there. I think that is why it was my favorite area in Florida. Palms don't do a lot for me!
I did another first today - I shampooed the carpets. Hb could not remember to release the water so the carpet was getting soaked. He turned it over to me and walked away upset at what he can't do anymore. Last week he found something to spray on the bathroom door to stop the squeak, so I had him take my chair outside and spray it. WD40, silicon and nothing else has worked. CC jumps every time I move in it. He spread it with the slide lubricant and now it doesn't squeak. I am one happy camper and hopefully it will last a while.
Have a very happy October birthday, Charlotte! My mother, daughter and lovely DIL were born in October and it looks like our first great-grandson will born before October is finished. Lovely month, indeed.
A beautiful fall day in southern KY today! Around 60. We took a little drive this afternoon and the leaves are starting to change - just beautiful. DH held Millie on his lap and both enjoyed the ride. All in all, a good day, for a change!
October is usually the most pleasant weather month in beautiful southern middle Tenn. No need for heat or a/c so good on the utility bill. The leaves are at the peak color the third week. Oct. 2 was b-day for my mother, grandmother and wedding anniversary for brother & wife. Those folks long deceased. First granddaughter born on Oct. 16. Our second son's b-day also the 2nd. This year I made chicken pot pie and blackberry cobbler for this bachelor son and he raved about a "home cooked meal". So I guess I'll do this more often. He is the best with his dad - seems to understand and is reading books about this demon disease so he'll know more how to help he said.
vickie i can envision you driving thru the lovely ky countryside:) esp with millie on DH lap probably enjoying that ride as much you all. i know my chihuahua loves to ride in the car! he doesnt get out very often now but when i take him its such a treat. flo that chickenpot pie and bb cobbler sounds devine. its good to hear your son is taking an interest. good for him -happy early birthday to charlotte and bak,, and anyone else celebrating in oct.
We started the month with a road trip to visit our youngest at college in North Carolina, with my mom. Good trip. Back, and the weather's not bad. I'm out today (my 6 hours "off" on Tuesday,) with one of my goals being to locate a large dishwasher safe salad bowl for Jeff since the Thursday helper put his wooden salad bowl in the dishwasher. But fortunately did not run it. Meanwhile, I intend to write but my brain is trying out what it must feel like to disintegrate and is firing on roughly 1/2 its full complement of cylinders.
Another beautiful day here! Can't believe two in a row! Took our Shih Tzu, Millie, to the church for the blessing of the animals this morning. They gave her a medallion of St. Anthony, a patron of animals. She is rather anti-social with other dogs since she was attacked by a GS and nearly died. So, she barks a lot around other animals. When the priest stooped down to bless her, she sat straight up on her butt and begged during his prayer. She loves people - just not other dogs. She loves DH and sits on his lap while he plays on the computer.
The weather has been great here in N. Texas. I think this is my favorite time of the year in Texas, now till Thanksgiving, then I am ready to move South. I think I am adjusting to being woke up every few hours during the night to help DW get to the bathroom. The nurse told me to get her some over the counter meds, all it did was turn her pee orange and shock the crap out of me at 2 a.m. You know us guys give them the pill and if something goes wrong then read the directions. I really hope that my helper can stay working with us. Her husband is now sick and she may have to quit working to care for him. I have figured out that DW can go shopping with me, she just uses the cart as a walker and I am on the front end guiding it and keeping it from moving too fast for her.
Rained last night, started cloudy this morning but day turned out nice. Our electric step will not go in/out so have been trying to figure out why. Since it works with the ignition override (so you don't drive down the road with it out), we thought it was the switch. Installed new switch in door and it still does not work. Hb tried using two different methods to connect the wires thinking the first did not have a good connection, but that didn't work. Tomorrow I will try to get a hold of the manufacturer.
We did some driving around after going to get the part. We checked out the casino at Yakima Indian Reservation, then drove into Toppenish. They are noted for their building murals in the old part of town. Each year artist will get together and do a mural on the side or above the doors/windows of buildings. Usually it is 4-6 artist that work together on a mural. They were quite impressive. Ending my day by doing laundry!! yuck
i am still trying to find out where summer went.:) time just seems to fly by these last months. almost halloween then we will have dreary winter days ahead. the good thing is when the weather turns bad with time moving so fast spring will be around the corner again. i sound like groundhog day and we are finally getting over a uti that has been plaguing DH since mid summer. hospice drs didnt want to treat as his fever broke both times on his own which was good. but we found that urinary cultures can take SEVERAL days, in DH case 4days later, to grow a nasty bug. we finally got antibiotics to treat and hes on the rebound yet once again. so keep in mind its not just a dip and test and if its not showing bacteria right away sometimes it may be a good idea to let the culture grow for a few days. this was a first for us to see how long it took and probably why we have been missing treating it due to missing the length of time it took. on a happier note, i still have squirrley scooby and a cast of characters here i see regularly and TRY to limit peanutbutter/jelly handouts to -now that the acorns are back. funny how smart a squirrel is if you get to know them- they have distinct personalities.
heres hoping your october goes as planned and without incident. i find routines are even comforting when theres not something new to deal with! divvi
It's October 10 and my flowerpots are full of flowers in full bloom which is a bit odd, but then we haven't had the first hard frost yet. In fact I have all the windows open and the furnace has not come on up here in Ontario.
I have made up my mind to put my wife into a home. I am out of gas and running on fumes. Her family is gathering next week and I'm going to talk to the brother's and sister. I've been talked to by a number of the professionals around me lately asking me how far I intend to go and letting me know that stage 7 which we are now in is terribly hard. Some of us can do it; but, I am literally burned out.
Many of you know what this is like and I have been following MarylinMD who's experience is recent. I can look myself in the eye and know I've given everything I have. It's still a nightmare though full of guilt and horror the depth of which I can see into because I remember many of my dreams and they now make Fellini look like Walt Disney.
She was in a home last week. The respite centre she goes to on Tuesdays has a program and I was talked to by the manager that I'm the only one who hadn't booked all year. I knew it was a mistake because I saw how there was no flicker of recognition when I went to pick her up, and I saw how calm I was by the end of the week and how quickly I become and stayed extremely stressed. It's only now that I can see how frayed I am after five years of almost 24/7 care. Anti depressants would allow me to go somewhat longer, but I think that at this late stage that's just a delay.
I've decided to write the book and I have the theme outlined. I'm going to accept the invitation of the Alzheimer's Society to come and help facilitate the regular meetings for the region. A year or two of that and some other involvements should help put my ideas on more solid ground. I can't go on much longer with her here because even though I can do the work - I can feel myself coming apart.
I love my wife so much I could choke on all this; but, the time has come and I know it. I'm only human and even though I feel shame and true horror looking at these words - I am beyond the ability to do it much longer. It will take a few months to arrange. I hate this disease as I've hated nothing else in my life and I hate what I'm going to do. But I am.
Wolf - I know you have heard this before, but there is absolutely no reason to feel shame or horror at your decision. Once she is placed, you can love her and advocate for her while others do the care. Remember as you prepare for this what others have shared after placement - the stress goes, the love comes and they can see the person as their spouse again - not as someone that just needs care.
Wolf, I hope that you can accept the fact, that you have done all you can for your wife. I think the road you have been down is very difficult and it just takes alot out of you. I know that one day, not too far off I will be where you are now. I do not look forward to that day. I think you should take comfort in the fact that you have done the best that you can and that she needs more help than you have left in you to give. The responsible thing to do is to still see that she gets the care needed. You now need to change hats from caregiver to be the manager of her care. You need to oversee that she gets the care needed and be her advocate in getting the attention and care needed going forward.
Wolf-It was easier for me to place my dear husband because he was violent and a runner. Dead bolts and such would not have worked as he was fairly young and when focused smart. Didn't make me feel any better. For a long time I felt like a failure. Once placed my husband had other just like him to socialize whith in their limited way. I think he had a better life style there than what I could have provided at home. Of course the bank account took severe hit.
Wolf, I don't think the week of respite was a mistake. It was an eye opener. We get so buried in the day-to-day care; the repeat ceises; the WORK of Caring, that we canot see the forest for all the trees. A 4day respite early this year triggered a similar epiphany for me. I'd already been Caregiving DH since 1988 because of Mental Illness, but those were much easier years--he was still very able to do things and go places. It got harder and in 2006 he was Dxd with VaD. At the Discharge meting after Dx, the Drs. were recommending he go straight to a NH. I maintained that the best place for him was home, and with help, that's what I wanted for him. That's what we did, and I truly believe we would not have had all of these last 5 years if we hadn't. I fully planned to keep him here through the end. Not going to happen. I am not physically strong enough , even with help, to do it. His Dr. has stated that he is now a danger to himself. My vigilance is being overwhelmed. He's on 2 waiting lists for placement (the only 2 close by that take Medicaid straight in). We're about 1/2 way through the estimated waiting time. If a crisis happens first, he'll likely end up farther away where my advocacy will be sharply curtailed until I can transfer him closer. I am doing , have always done, my best for him, as you have done for your DW. Hard as it is to admit, I am looking forward to a lighter load. The sharp intensity of your rapid race with EOAD is mind boggling. So is my 23 years of ongoing progression with Mental Illness and VaD. We have done our best. We will continue to do our best. It will be enough.
Wolf, sometimes I wish I were at that point. But I realize that the only way I could possibly wish something like that is because of what a ridiculous no-win game this is, no matter what stage we're in. At the present, I could NOT look myself in the eye yet and say I've done all I can...Jeff's just not difficult yet. So we've got a ways to go. It's just the boredom and restriction that chaffs me, since I can't leave him home alone.
Aargh. Isn't AD fun? How much you do, and still end up wanting to kick yourself for being "selfish?" Pretty dumb of us.
Wow Wolf, I did not see that coming. I always enjoy your postings. Probably because you seem a little crazy and depressed like I feel. Your postings take me out of myself and I am not always sure where they are going to lead me but I do have to think while I am reading them...unlike my mundane world where my husband reads whatever is in front of him... out loud to me. ie if I leave a piece of mail on the table for a few days he will pick it up at every meal and read it to me like he just saw it. I try not to leave anything out because it drives me crazy when he does this... but I can't tear my hair out and scream at him even though in my mind I do. I hope we still hear from you but I know your focus will be different ... good luck to you and your dw. I hope I can make it as far without losing it. Sometimes I feel like I have lost the simple art of conversation or communication because the effort to say something to a blank stare is just to much to bear.
Wolf I agree with grendelsma, I really enjoyed all your postings, this is such a tough decision and you've got to do whats best all the way around. divvi's right making a choice is the hardest thing to do. As we say here "your good peeps". We will all have to make some difficult choices with this dreaded, dreaded disease. No one, but no one can imagine this life unless they live it. I hope your heart can find the peace that it needs because this disease needs voices and your an EXCELLENT voice.
Wolf, when they say "his hip is broken and we are not going to operate" you know you can't cope at home. That last month before my husband died, when he was in a NH, was hard but not as bad as it would have been had he been at home. Perhaps he should have gone in months before; he would have, had I not had an excellent CNA. We all know, and must eventually face, that THEY ARE NOT GOING TO GET BETTER, and that they don't recognize us.. and that they will probably be better in professional care. Never thought I'd say it, but there we are. It will be MUCH harder on YOU than on her, know that.
Thanks everyone. I've been wrestling with this for a long time and I wasn't suprised when someone said it's the single worst day of the whole experience. Writing that here has helped me to take one more step towards it and I'm very appreciate of so many of you talking to me about it.
However, in response to grendelsma (interesting handle), I'm not going anywhere. I estimate my wife has some three years yet to suffer before she finally has peace from a body and mind she can no longer operate. I actually am planning to get more involved with AD once she's in a home.
You find a lot out about yourself on this journey. It's more fun than going over Niagara Falls in a barrel or being put on the rack. But not that much. Anyways, thanks very much to all of you.
Yesterday was not a good day, more my fault than his. He was supposed to stay with our daughter for a few hours, but she cancelled. I was sooooo looking forward to going out by myself that it just hit me hard that I wouldn’t be able to go, so I was in a crabby mood & I was not a nice person. Everything he did hit me the wrong way. I know we all have days like that but I HATE it when it happens. There was a bright spot to yesterday. The United Sates Government honored me for all the years I worked hard by depositing my first Social Security check into my checking account! WOO HOO! P.S. My daughter said he could come over this afternoon so I can get my errands done. WOO HOO again!
Here on the Central Coast we are in for another really hot day. After a summer full of June Gloom, it is nice to see the sun but for most of us here, we don't have AC and when it is in the 90s + it is just hot..but...fans work pretty good..cats love the cool tiles...could be worse..we could be in Yuma minus AC now that would be hot as I can attest to as well as can Charlotte.
Sunday was a not so nice day for me. DH decided to pull an all-nighter. Goes to bed at 9:30...good but as I begin to get ready for bed at 11:30, he is up walking the hall looking for the bathroom. Steered in the right direction. Then he is awake and tossing all over the bed. I finally fell asleep at 1:30 am but dh is up at 3:15 and getting dressed because he has things to do. Really?? Not enough sleep for me to drive in the morning to go to church so that set my teeth on edge. What happens is that dh sleeps off and on all day Sunday and I fume in my corner. I have so little time away from house and dh that I really resent him when things like this happen. I can't help it. For the next three nights I went upstairs to sleep, shut the door and forgot about him. I know he was up but unless he goes outside there is no problem. Once he does that, then I will buy those motion sensors someone wrote about. Took down all the info. Just another example of how this disease robs us of our lives.
As I was looking at all the post for Kadee I got to thinking - where else can someone get true, honest hugs and sympathy from so many people? No where I know of.
Folks say "I know how you feel" when they don't/can't. Here, unfortunately we really do know. So hugs to everyone whatever your day is - we can all use a hug!
So this week my x friends from lala land sent back one of the paintings I did without a note or even a return address. As someone here privately said to me 'some people don't like being shown they don't measure up' and your humble writer did that a couple of weeks ago. As I cut out the eyes of all the previous friends in the painting and glued them to the toilet seat of the new and aerodynamically sleek toilet I just put in, I knew I was going to be alright.
These yahoo schleps are now going to be forced to watch every movement including the mess in the bathtub this morning and yours truly cleaning it up (without mind you being able to blink). I may cut out and glue the three visible ears in the painting too so I can lecture them on the ethics of morality while I scoop the poop but I don't see that esthetically because it would turn the eerie eyes into high school cubism.
I needed to do some reading on the throne a while ago and pulling my pants down so the craggy hills of the moon were unmistakable I sat down asking "And how are we all this evening?" and quietly read the economist quite aware of the lack of connection between bits of canvas glued to my toilet and the actual seeing apparatus of these individuals - but having a decent time of it nevertheless.
One thing I notice dh doing - he keeps calling the hops fields grapes and today the cattle goats. We are both stressing with the moving. Him not wanting to leave and me with all there is to do. I am hoping to pull the MH out and go to Les Schwab to have the tire pressure checked, then fill up the propane so we won't have to worry about the propane on Sunday. Never did get the step problem figured out. Oh well, as long as everything else works I will be happy.
I hope to get out to get the tires checked tomorrow and propane, then come back to work the afternoon shift, then Sunday we have the 250 mile drive to my place of work for the winter. April we come back here. He has gotten so attached to a few of the monthlies here, I hope the change does not set him back. At least the 'home' environment will not change - just outside the 'house'.
Well today is not a good day for me. I have occasional bouts of vertigo (dizziness) & the other day I was telling someone that I haven’t had one in a long time, so of course ta-da! After a few trips to the neurologist & many dollars in co-payments for all the “tests” it was determined that these are just random occurrences when the crystals in my ear canal become dislodged & float around. Well early this morning when DH woke me up to ask me if he could put his shoes on I made the mistake of moving my head too fast & could feel the dizziness coming on. I’m lucky though because usually I have to go to bed for a day because it gets so bad that the room spins & I feel very nauseated. This time I just feel a little dizzy & if I don’t look straight up or down or move my head to fast I’m OK. I haven’t said anything to DH because he will get paranoid that I am going to die & then I’ll have a real mess on my hands. This just reminds me that caregivers just CAN NOT get sick.
Well, reality slapped me right up side my head yesterday afternoon. DH who has built quality furniture, a beautify gazebo, designed and built a water garden, etc, etc. could not saw the edge off a board as we were attempting to build two doors for our garden shed. He was so certain as we went to Lowes, bought the materials and were using the old doors as a pattern. We spent two hours attempting to cut an edge from the board which will be the door. Today he has back problems again and is sitting in his recliner watching forever and ever Fox Business. Nothing against that channel but droning on and on ;( Oh well. Now I'll call a friend who has the number of a carpenter who does small jobs. Leaves falling and falling and he can't begin to rake anything because of his back pain which is a new. Don't know if I should take him to doctor - I guess this could be coming from his cancer and I should inquire. I never know. Burned the sausage cooking breakfast which was going with eggs and toast then there was not enough bread for toast so had to make pancakes. Can I just go back to bed???? Thanks for listenin'
I went back to bed for you. I have done an afternoon paper route for 31 years and two weeks ago we went to morning. I now get up at 2:30 am and am done by 6. Only thing, I am dead tired for the rest of the day. I went back to bed when I got home today and slept for 3 hours. I try to go to bed by 8. But with DD still in the house it is hard to have it quiet for me to sleep. I am trying my best to get this worked out so I can get some sleep at some point. But with DD staying up until 11 and DD getting up at 5:30 and I leave the house at 3. Not much time to sleep. I do like the fact that I am able to be home all day with DH. But the down side is, I am home all day with DH. Guess this is not really a big problem. Just wanted to whine. Anyone got some cheese?
We got the tires checked and they were fine. Got the main tank on the MH filled with Propane. Worked my last shift and wanted to cry at the end - will be hard to leave. Tomorrow we will pack everything up and move to the rainy west side.
Talked to daughter-in-law for a long time tonight. She has decided to have the surgery on her shoulder. She has a type of bone cancer but the tumors grow on the outside of the bones and eventually will destroy them. She had surgery on her ankles and hips about 2 years ago. She is going to move back in with my sister - the one who had the stroke almost 2 years ago that is now a 'Jekyll and Hyde'. I guess if my sister gets up by late morning she is fine. If she sleeps in until 1 or 2 she will be a 'bitch'. But, Em really has no choice or no where to go. I had talked to her earlier about moving back and helping out with the kids, but she had not decided so I took this job. I feel bad about not being there to help with the kids.
I also did not want to go back to my sister's because of her mood swings and those of my younger brother who lives there. I love him dearly but even though he is smart, he has moods swings too due to years of drug use. Thank goodness he is working now so is not around all day. I hear my sister and him were going at each other but my sister will never kick him out - she is the oldest.
I don't know if they have the internet fixed at the park we are moving to, so don't know when I will be back online. I am hoping once we get move hb will relax and not have the problems he has been showing the last couple weeks.
Well I have avoided a high school friend for as long as I can. She has been asking for her and a fellow classmate to visit me at my house. At first I thought ok, I can do this, but dh would constantly interrupt with wanting to go outside, eat, etc. and it would be stressful. I finally e-mailed her and said coming to the house would put too much stress on me. I set up a time to meet both girlfriends at a local cafe and now I need to find someone to stay with dh. What do I have to talk about? DEMENCIA, that's what! I am going to having nothing to say I'm afraid, am not looking forward to it at all, afraid my pain is the only thing I'm going show. How do I smile, laugh, have fun, I'm too much in pain. I would just rather not have another person in my life subjected to my problem. Can I fake it, pretend I'm fine, chit chat, make small talk, gees I hope so. I know they're going to ask how he is and I don't want to get started on a long drawn out story, how do I refrain from spilling my guts. I need some tips please, October has become a challenge, just want to get it over with. Sigh...........
Here's some advice I got from a stress counselor when I had the same problem: If you are asked how your husband is doing, tell them briefly, "He's much the same," or "He's going downhill" or, "He's developed some other medical problems," and then let it go. If they keep asking questions, just answer the questions briefly. I tried to keep the conversation about DH down to 5-10 mins. max. Ask them about what's going on in their lives. Most people are more comfortable talking about that.
cricket, relax and go with the flow. I have found that seeing friends from my past has bee a positive experience. It's funny how you can feel and how you seem to pick up right where you left off. Most of your conversation will be about the past and the fun times you had together. You will want to update them on what is going on in your life and then move on to lighter subjects. Don't be like me that when I find someone to talk to I tend to hog the conversation. And remember to smile...♥♥♥