I agree, Charlotte. Just yesterday a friend explained to me why her husband's sudden death was so much worse than DH's slow slow slow death, which he's still going through. She even asked if he was getting better and might be able to move back home from the Alzheimers facility where he's been for the last year. Just one more person I think I'll need to distance myself from.
It was well written but I am afraid that what PrisR just went through is going to continue to happen no matter what. The human brain just can't seem to comprehend what the big deal is. They well say..."At least he is still alive, my husband died and I didn't get to spend enough time with him." or something similar to that. What they don't know is, we don't get to spend real time with them either because even though they are still alive(if you want to call this alive) they are not there anymore. He can be in the same room with me and he really isn't there.
I can understand what happened in the story written and why. The police said "it is too bad that he felt he didn't have any other choice." There are choices that he could have made besides what he did but not many. We don't know all the details so we don't know how many options he really did have but we know that being a spouse taking care of spouse is quite different than any other caregiver taking care of someone with dementia. It is a totally different animal and meets a whole different set of issues.
deb42657, The comment in your post is just exactly what my brother said to me shortly after his wife died last Jul following a 17 month battle against lung cancer..You hit is square on the head and I told him that while I do not diminish his loss, he does not understand that while my DH is here and I can see him and hear his voice, none of which I take for granted, still we sit in the same room and play at watching TV..only he cannot follow the plot...yep...he is here and I am still alone.
PrisR, I hate to see you loose a friend. It's sometimes hard for people to let themslves see somethings. Maybe because they have no understanding of what you are going through. Maybe because to really understand what you are going through is the same as amitting that one day it could be them going through the same thing. Maybe it is as simple as the fact that their broken finger nail hurts them more than your broken arm hurts them. Who knows? People are different. It may be that they just can't deal with things they are not comfortable with and avoid them. It's the human factor. Doesn't make it any easier for us, but maybe gives us a little insight why they act the way they do about things like Alzheimer's. Your friend may be scared of what she doesn't or can't understand.
Remember she just lost her husband and that has to very very hard for her as well. She may not be able to see past it yet. What she said during her own lose she may regret once she gets through her own feeling of grieving. She may even be ashame if she remembers.
I know what she said hurts but it may be that she was less prepared for what she is going through than we will be when we lose our loved ones. I'm not so sure that if I lost Kathryn suddenly that I would be very understanding of what someone dealing with Alzheimer's is going through even with the understanding I now have. Anyhow, I hate to see you lose a friend over something they said at a time when she may not have had any feelings left to share.
Anchor20, thanks for your wise words, but in this case she's more of an acquaintence and managed to avoid us when DH 's behavior became obnoxious. I live in a retirement community and this lady has lots of enablers who are willing to keep her in a non-coping state.