I asked him why he didn't want to go to Sunday breakfast with our small group anymore. He thought for a few minutes, then said: " They treat me differently now and they are more distant. I know I can't follow the conversation sometimes, but I feel like they get aggravated at me and don't really care if I'm there or not. I guess they just don't know how to act around someone like me."
We have known these people for 15-20 years. They have been coming to our Christmas Open House for 17 years, and many other get-to-gethers that I have planned throughout the years. Only one of the men stops by to see DH about once a month - and he does call a couple times a month. None of the women come by nor call.
Vickie, doesn't it make you feel sad? Just like having a kid the others don't want to play with. My own dh won't do things anymore with others for that reason. Feels like they are looking down on him.
vickie that is sad to hear he feels the rejections. we all have lost our friends and alot of family to boot when the going gets tough. theres no one left but us and our spouses in the end it seems. we practically live like in solitary confinement it appears at times.. i hope the last friend makes the effort to continue to visit. divvi
PrisR you are absolutely right. Socialization without stress or fear. When my husband went into a facility the guys asked him to join their card game. No rules, made little sense-but they enjoyed it. I would listen to them jabber at each other with a serious expression and it was almost as if they understood each other. Sometimes I felt excluded :D.
This illness is amazing. I don't think Gord has ever noticed that he is different than he used to be. I guess once, probably 4-5 years ago. We saw a young man passing by in his car. He waved to us and I told Gord who he was. I reminded Gord that he liked the young man and he liked him. Gord said that was a while ago, I was different then. I found that really sad.
In the same vein as Bluedaze, when Gord was in rehab, he and another escapee kept going in and out of an empty room looking for a way out. There was a door on the room with a window. As the other escapee was leaving the room, Gord asked him if he had seen a wackie doodle or some such word. The other guy looked puzzled and then said, maybe he went that way. They seemed to agree and then each went their separate way looking for a way out.
Vickie, the comment by your DH was profound. I really do think somewhere inside of them they do know they are now different. I think that is a large part of the disinterest they show in doing even little things like going for a walk in our own yard.. Tonight we were watching Backstreet on Turner Classic Movie. I am now 100% convinced that the reason DH now watches all the kinetic tv shows like kickboxing etc has to do with his inability to track the story. Tonight I had to answer over and over who was who in the film and what was going on with each one. Here we sit in our homes, the envy of some who have lost their spouse to a different terminal disease, I am thinking of my brother who just last Jul lost his wife to lung cancer and who said " He may have ALZ but he is still with you", with our loved one, whose voice we can still hear, who we can still see and touch and I know we don't take that for granted, but what folkis like my brother don't understand about this disease is that here we are in each other's company and yet we are all alone.
I think it is almost funny how uncomfortable some people are, who used to be close friends. Next at church I can see some people ignore her who used to be friends, I'll see if we can get close enough and have her breath on them.
They don't know what to say or how to act. You are right Moorsb. They are so uncomfortable they are scared of saying or doing the wrong thing so they avoid. I remember feeeling the same way when I went to a funeral. Now I feel bad about those times but I also understand more and realize that all I really need to do is express how sorry I am and let them know if there is anything I can do to call me. But in the case of alzheimer's how do they express their sorrow when the person they are talking about is right there also. They simply don't know what to say or do I think.
moorsb how funny that "church people" can't practice what they preach. And Vickie don't you just want to say to people his memory is failing "he's not Stupid". Our loved ones still have feeling...........they are still People , who love, who laugh, who hurt, who are fighting what ever way they can to stay with us ......they can not win this battle, we can't win this battle, so compassion, kindness are the things society can give to them and us. Sad statement on society that it can't and won't !!!