I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. Outsiders have no idea how memory loss - just memory loss - not the other issues related to AD - can destroy a marriage. Please read the blog and post comments here. Thank you.
This is one blog I can relate to entirely. I have always been a very talkative person but now I am actually on the quiet side simply because there is nothing I can talk to my dh about. Our conversations are strictly comprised of what is going on at the moment such as dinner, bedtime, tv. No more discussions about politics, money, car maintenance, reminiscing. I don't even talk about appointments the next day. I deal with them as they happen.
I cry a lot now mostly after I go to bed at night. He has already been asleep for two hours, house is quiet. I DON'T want to think of tomorrow because it is the same thing all over again. I have to be satisfied with "our" memories being just mine. I am not sure if memory loss in itself destroys a marriage but it certainly doesn't do a thing to fortify it.
Last night we (or at least I) were watching the Patriots football game. I commented to my wife, who had studied Spanish, that one player - Ochocinco - picked that name because it was Spanish for his number -85. My wife showed no recognition of what I had said. There's no point in saying anything to her. If she seems to be asking me a question, I just agree with her.
I know. We were in grammar school same class together. Grew up in the same neighborhood, knew the same people, the stores, the movie theatres, everything. That's why I always called myself a 'married widow.' A profound loss--a death without a death.
DH and I were watching the sports show on ESPN a while ago. I put it on for him, sometimes he watches, sometimes he'll walk away! They had the Dallas Cowboys highlights on and after they were talking about Tony Romo playing with an injured rib. DH asked who Tony Romo was!!!! Doesn't remember him at all or most of the other players on other teams. I've known for at least a year there is no point in bringing up things that happened in the past...not even a day ago.
Wednesday is DH's birthday and he has been receiving cards for the past week. He has no idea who they are from and asks over and over again who sent the cards but then again he doesn't know why he got a card. Birthday's are not only lost days but he has no clue what a birthday is! Nor does he remember those little special moments we shared in the past. Nada, nothing, blank!
One of our favorite neices that spent a lot of time with us passed away last Friday. DH doesn't remember her at all just gone with lots of other special memories we had shared. you're right phil 4:13 Nada..Nothing. Sad..
ro1928, I am so sorry for your loss. In the last 6 months, I have lost my brother-in-law, sister & brother. It is very hard when you need your spouse during these times & all there is a blank stare.
As I have discussed we have cats. (lots of cats) Always have. The very first day we went it to see our PCP 5 years ago because "something was not right" we stopped at the Vet to euthanize a cat we had for about 12 years. She held it as it died and cried as would be expected. When we got to our doc I explained the symptoms and the doctor could find no problem. (of course) I then asked the doctor to ask her what she had done just 20 minutes earlier. Answer: Nothing! Nothing at all. We had driven straight from vet to the Drs office. No tears, no grief, no crying.
On Friday another cat was found dead out in the yard. (It had a terminal neck tumor) She saw it and cried and grieved so we took it to the Vet for cremation. (just like ALL the others) and by the time we got there there were no tears, no sadness. It was as if we were picking up something from the vet. We dropped off the dead cat and she has not mentioned it again. Why did I bother?
So there are some advantages, we just have to figure out how to benefit from them. Jim
Most of the other blog topics are frustrating in nature but this one is by far the saddest of them all. On another thread, I mentioned to my brother, who just lost his wife to the complications caused by medications used to fight her lung cancer, when he said to me " You still have DH. He is still there with you." To be sure my brother's loss is tremendous and I do not minimize it in the least. But I did explain to him just what this blog is all about. In his case he and his wife were able to talk about all the important things in life, enjoy their new grandbaby, and focus on the hope of a remission for her. What he does not understand is how difficult it is to be sitting beside someone who cannot recall things we did together, trips we took, projects we did together. Those are things he does not recall anymore. Sometimes when I start the topic off something will click and he can tell his story but at other times, he may say "I don't remember that!" Watching TV is not much fun now. He is into all the kinetic kinds of things rather than a show with a plot unless it is Goodfellas or Godfather or something on the violent side to which he knows the lines and can quote them..Now and then the odd musical which he never enjoyed before he will watch but a good program with a plot? Not so much.. Shucks, he can't even decide if he would like chicken or fish for dinner...pick one..it ends up " whatever you are having". Every day we lose more and more and by the time they are in a nursing home they don't even know who we are anymore.
Nope ... no point in discussing TV shows. No point in even asking about what happened if I should leave the den for a minute or two to grab a snack ... Clare won't be able to tell me what happened while I was gone. No memory of what occurs in the show we're watching let alone the show before that in that same series. (We also watch both NCIS shows!) But sitting together, watching TV, holding hands ... even if mostly in silence, even if she mostly cannot follow what is happening ... that is still something that gives me tremendous pleasure. Watching and holding hands ... hearing Clare laugh at my awful jokes during commericals and knowing I am making her happy even if only for seconds ... still gives me great pleasure. I can't bring back the past but I can at least try to hold onto the present for as long as possible. I know in the future I'll look back to what we can still do together now and feel even sadder.
A friend from church just died.When I told DH, he just looked at me, no recognition. Last night we went to dinner with a couple (the only ones who still ask us out). When we were having some wine before we left for the restaurant, I asked him if he would like a Sprite. He asked me what is Sprite? He drinks it all the time. He no longer drinks wine or any other alcohol, for which I am so happy. It is difficult to carry on a conversation or even ask him to do something. He saw his neurologist yesterday and did so poorly on the mini-mental test that the Dr did not even tell me his score. The Dr. did add Namenda to his meds.
maryd, it seems as if your DH is in a decline (as I call it). So is mine. He doesn’t know which room is which in the house. He doesn’t recognize names of people when I say them & he has lost the relationship aspect – he thinks our children are “friends”. Conversation? I actually try to avoid talking about some things because it takes more time to explain what I am talking about than it’s worth. I also cannot ask him to do anything because he doesn’t understand what I want him to do.
Talk about renaming the rooms in the house. DH doesn't understand laundry room and it has become the wash room. The other night he asked, "where are we sleeping tonight?" I told him we had a bedroom and motioned to the next room. He acted like it was the first time he had slept here. Even when we are in the kitchen and I mention his using the toaster, he doesn't know what I mean. Microwave must have a different connotation in his mind. I just keep describing things by color, shape, etc. Whatever works. If I could just see inside his brain to watch what happens. Connections don't work one day but the next day everything has been rewired. Not perfectly, of course but better. Poor guy...sometimes he just doesn't want to tell me something because he can't sort it out in his mind first. I feel so sorry for him..he didn't bring this on himself. I want to take it all away from him but I can't. When we can share something funny, I feel so happy.