I was just wondering how many of you have been blamed as the cause of your LO's dementia by his/her family. Unfortunately this has been an ongoing situation for me for almost two years. My DH had a fainting episode on Christmas Eve '09 which resulted in a trip to the emergency room and a CT scan, which showed brain atrophy. At that point I already had suspicions that he might have dementia and had expressed my concerns to his family. I found out my DH's sister has been badmouthing me to other family members, accusing me of causing my husband's B12 deficiency by not cooking well enough for him, not getting him the right medical treatment, etc. At first I was devastated and very hurt and now it's laughable. Fortunately my kids and stepkids have been great in defending me, but it's causing a huge rift in the family. To complicate matters, my husband's mother and sister live in a house we own and since his mother is in poor health, I can't throw them out. DH doesn't have a clue this is even going on, and there's no sense in even mentioning it to him.

I certainly feel betrayed because I have all along been forthcoming in keeping them updated about my husband's doctor visits, various tests, etc. and this has all been used against me. They are from Europe and seem to have a very suspicious mindset and like to blame others for their problems. What a mess!

Thanks Sandi -- I like your advice! I have thought about saying something to the effect that maybe it had its roots in his childhood and quite honestly, I have sometimes wondered about that. My husband grew up in post-war Western Europe, so who knows what type of toxins were floating around in the air. Sadly since my mother-in-law probably only has a few months to live, I had hoped to be there to help her. Now, I don't even want to visit her anymore. I guess she will take her blame and bitterness to the grave.

I don't think this is a rare problem. And after knocking myself out trying to keep them (my in-lws) informed, I finally figured it out. They subscribe to the unwritten law that the closest person to the one who is ill (that's us as the Spouse) is the designated Caregiver. That person is responsible for everything--the LOs conditon, his/her care; what goes wrong; EVERYTHING. They, on the other hand don't want to know; don't want to hear about; won't visit; and reserve the right to criticize and even interfere in the LOs care.

As I've described on other threads this has been a piece of my plate of sh*t to deal with since DH's Dx with Mental Illness in March 1988, and worsened with his Dx of VaD in Aug-Sept 2006. I spent 3 years fighting their efforts to tell DH to quit taking "all the drugs". His understanding of "drugs" has always been "street drugs". He was taking "MEDICATION". The more they pushed the more I closed the door to keeping them informed because it wasn't doing any good and there were other things more important for me to do.
The crownming touch came in the summer of 2008 when DH was tryin g to get5 his Driver's Licnse back and failed. His sisters had the chance to ptrovide him with a used Power wheelchair. I chbecked all possible legal requirements as well as the Dr.s' instructions, and told them he couldn'ty have it and all the reasons why. While I was at an Appointment, they brought it to the house,gave it to him, and persuaded him to keep it a secret from me. It was in the garage. When I found out about it that night, I called them and told them it had to be removed from here ASAP. He couldn't have it. And, if they had a problem coming after it I'd make arrangements. They said they,'d pick it up MThursdy after work.Noone cam; no one called. Friday night, at suppertime I called and told them I was making arrangements as soon as I could. They said they'd be here as soon as they finished eating.
They came. They loaded it. An d then the sister transportming ite dished out a tongue lashing. I "was unreasonable. He's lived here all his life, he won't get lost. I have a scooter, he should be able to have the chair. I have no respect for her. She works, and had to work overtime. She doen't have in-home help. She can't sit around like alady of leisure.."

Since then I have very little contact with them, and what I do have is polite but has little substance. I believe I've asked their assistance with something small 2 or 3 times since then.

his year they think they're helping.To use their explan ation, they are "providing cigarettes to DH, as a bandaid for the smoming problem until his name comes up on the waiting list and he gets placed." And yes, they have been told he is not to smoke. It is speeding up his VaD.

I can't stop him from getting cigarettes. We are not buying them. What they're giving him helps keep him from wandering to go get some.
Dealing with the relatives can sometimes work out, but from mine and others' experiences, I say be wary. If thy don't "get it" distance or cushion yourself from their misguided crap and concentate on the things you have to do because no one else can.

Elaine K, I think you should just let everybody that not only did you not cause it, but in case they haven't heard yet Doctors have learned that cancer is not catching either as was believed and we no longer burn witches at the stake. You might also tell them if they have a computer they research many more myths online.

JimB

Thanks everyone for your support and comments. It's good to know I'm not the only one dealing with the madness. Sometimes I think it's more difficult dealing with the family than my husband. AT least I have supportive kids who care.

Charlotte, I have thought the same thing. If it is our fault, that means it can't happen to them.