My DH was diagnosed in June (after 2 months waiting for test results) with MCI. I should say here that the reason for the tests was that I finally came to grips with the reality a problem existed when he started getting lost. One time was when he was trying to find Walmart which is located at the intersection where he turns to go to work! He teaches a few courses in the local state college. Spring semester was a nightmare for me with so much stress and worry. He had 2 classes (same topic met MW and on TTh) but he had so much trouble trying to keep the two separated, particularly if there was a holiday and the lecture would get off. He lost track of where he was with each class. He would show me the schedule but didn't stay true to the schedule, telling me that the students weren't ready to move to the next chapter OR that he hadn't started the chapter yet even though I knew that he had. There were a few occasions where I'm sure he gave them the same lecture 2 classes in a row. He also spent 1-2 hours each evening re-reading the material even though he has been teaching out of the same book for years. The real problem was that he started having more and more difficulty grading test results and recording them in the spreadsheet. Actually he forgot how to use the spreadsheet a couple of times and had to re-enter the raw data on several different occasions in order to be able to give the students their grades. A few of which ended up being wrong -which a few students protested at the end of the semester and which he ended up changing. He would scream at the computer, pound on the desk and curse. Usually I was able to help get him back on track but had to be careful not to catch his anger focused at me.
I thought this would all go away at the end of the semester but he Neuro told him he could continue to drive and when DH asked about teaching he said "sure since that is Long Term Memory". So now we are coming up on the fall semester and I know he will not be able to teach. My fear is just like in the movie "Iris" (I think that was the name) he will just go blank in a lecture, not know what he has said and walk out. I have been trying to tell him that I don't think he can teach but he starts to get angry at my comments so I just drop it. Have any of you been successful with getting them to stop working? Does anyone have any suggestions?
I would suggest that you have a little heart-to-heart with the Neuro about just exactly how much short-term memory is involved in teaching.
Honest to pete ... does the Neuro have a brain?
If the Neuro does not understand the problem then, and refuses to help you with your husband, I would be giving serious consideration to finding a new Neuro.
Seems to me we had a discussion not all that long ago about volunteer work that an ADLO could do that would not involve anything dangerous (to the ADLO or to others) ... yep:
I just read that thread but not any help in how to get them to stop working. DH says he is capable of teaching and he might be capable of lecturing but he is definitely not capable of doing the math (grading). We don't see the Neuro again until September, it is a research clinic and he has only seen him twice once to meet and once to give us the results of tests . I thought I might keep a notebook and let him read how many times he has problems with memory at home. I could meet with the head of the department (don't even know his name) but I would only consider this as a very last resort-I'm not yet comfortable telling our friends. Also if he ever found out he would be so angry. This is causing me so much stress.
MissB, in all honesty putting things off in my opinion only worsens the end results. ifyou DH cant work but doesnt realize this then you should document all the things you say and give it to his neuro. if hes having those kinds of problems now it may be he is farther along than stated. many have found AFTER diagnosis our spouses are not in the 'beginning' stages but have had things going on for several yrs prior to diagnosis only we didnt notice as much. i wouldnt wait til sept with this dr he doesnt seem to be helping much or has his best interest in mind. maybe you can find another specialist in your area and get his medicial info forwarded to a new dr if you arent comfortable with the first. many of us have gone thru several neurologists or AD specialists. some are better than others. i would think if sept comes and your DH wants to work you should probably go ahead and speak to them personally about his situation and let them decide if they may have something less demanding for him to work at? it would be bad if he has to do as you say, and not be able to do the work. i also think its best earlyon to tell closest friends and family. they will have noticed the behaviours too but usually wont say much til confronted. it may be a way for you to get help from them in convincing him to quit his job. its so hard, i know especially when it the 'denial' stages..divvi
MissB, your friends will be helpful - in fact I can almost bet that they will say, "I WONdered if something wasn't going on with him..." IT IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. It just IS. Get to another neuro - check with the Alzehimer's Ass'n in your area for names. Take a deep breath and DO it. And get yourself to an elder law person asap. It really does get a little easier once you accept it (remember the old Serenity Prayer) and know (kind of) where you stand.
My impression is that most of us on this board are or have been involved in the medical profession, the legal profession, or the teaching profession. If Iris Murdoch's husband could be frank about her, we can be frank about our loved ones too.
Could you type up a letter to the Neuro, explain the getting lost & problems with his class? Or make an appointment with him to tell him your concerns? It seems he made a knee jerk reaction to your husband's question, can I still teach. You could recommend that your husband be brought in for more "testing" & then have the Neuro tell him he shouldn't teach. He did ask the last time, just the wrong answer was given. I don't know if the Neuro had any of your information at the time he answered the question. Make sure he does, and if he doesn't help you out, find a new Neurologist. At any rate, seems to me you need to see someone who will help you out before the semester begins. It may be that you simply have to take the diagnosis to the Dept. Chairperson & explain in person the frustration this is causing your husband & may be a detriment to the students. He/she could break it to him gently that some complaints were made last semester or whatever the 2 of you come up with.
Glad you're here with us, but sorry that you're facing all of this.
After being lost, it would bother me that he is still driving. I think I might have waited too long by letting my husband drive after he was lost for 1 1/2 hrs. 5 miles from our home. Thankfully, he didn't cause an accident while I was in denial.
Well, the thing is it was probably my fault. Neuro had all the info (including the getting lost-it was in the paperwork-I went thru an extensive interview separate from his interviews but none of the work-up interviews were with the neuro). I had been agonizing with asking the nurses (?) for help in getting word to the neuro about what was going on at work. But we were wisked right in and met with the Neuro for about 45 min. as he explained the technicalities, results of each test, future and the medication (Aricept) and I just was so overwhelmed, I forgot to say anything and then DH popped that question! Val I think you are right, I may have to get up courage to just find out who the Department Head is and see how I can schedule a meeting. I really hate to "sneak" behind his back and do that, it would be oh so much better if I could just talk him into resigning......yeah right!
I think tomorrow I will also call the neuro office and speak with the nurse(?) and ask her what we can do to change this scenario. I sure appreciate the comments, it helps to hear from folks who have been through it and can think straight when not emotionally involved.
Kadee, I am worried that some day when he is having a bad day that will happen to me too. Right now I insist that he takes his cell phone because I still work full time and I don't know if he will go to the store and forget where he is going or where he is. I have a sign on the door to remind him to take his wallet and cell phone but he has forgotten both a couple of time. I'm thinking I should register him with the Sherrif's office but I don't want to be reacting too soon or get all worked up when we might be years away..............how does anyone know when to do stuff? Boy this is hard.
Don't worry about "sneaking" behind his back. His frustration with the situation will probably escalate next semester. It's bad enough this year, even if it doesn't escalate. Seems we all wonder if we are overreacting, I've asked that question myself in a posting. If he gets lost again, you will know it is time. First things first.
You seem to have 2 courses of action, the most obvious, the neurologist.
Yeah, good luck talking him into resigning. Get ready for a battle & lots of anger pointed in your direction. Think we've all been targets of that, for no comprehensible reason. You can't reason with a person who doesn't get it. I've tried, and sure others have too with no results.
Miss B. and anyone else who's trying to decide when to "tell friends and family', register your LO with the Police because of getting lost or questionable driving", or any of the other stuff we keep having to take care of--DO IT.--DO IT ASAP. If you're thinking about it and hesitating, remember that we tend to close our eyes to the Disease and what it causes, and then move to denial--It's not that bad, he just needs a little help. We really need to face up to what is real. And what is real ios that this rotten disease--DEMENTIA--steals from us so much but we can fight back and prevent it from hurting us even worse. Can you really live with the idea that your LO could get lost and not be found in time? Do you want to go through that? Can you really face the fact that their impaired driving could kill someone, even them. And what about the legal ramifications? Insurance denying claims; lawsuits; driving tickets or worse charges? There is no "too soon" about these things. As caregiver you have to lookout for your LO. Telling family and friends can add more people to look out for him. Registering him with the Police will help you keep him safe. Both actions will help your peace of mind. DO IT.
Carosi, I absolutely second everything you said. Having said that, though, it is very, very hard to start in that direction. For my own part, finally acknowledging the situation and starting to do all the things that I knew I needed to do really did help. It was like I wasn’t just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but that I was actively taking care of things before they got to worst case scenario status.
MissB, I don’t know what your husband’s employment (and benefit) situation is, but it might be better financially if he were to retire on disability, rather than for things to go along and then have him be fired for poor work performance. My husband was fired for poor work performance, which is what finally led to his diagnosis. I wish there was some magic potion that would help you in this situation. But please do understand that even if you have to sort of go behind his back to resolve this, that you are not doing it against him, but for his best interests. At the beginning, I sort of felt like I was riding roughshod over what my husband thought he wanted, until I really, really “got” that his mental perception of things was impaired. Now I listen to what he wants, and do what I think is best. Don’t know if that helps at all. I really feel for you in your situation, and wish you the best.
Miss B, My husbands last job was teaching at a university, and he had problems for the entire year and a half. His contract was not renewed, but we were able to apply and receive long term disability many months after he left. It depends on the exact rules of his disability plan. (do not believe anything Human resources tells you, check the plan details).
Is there someone at the school that you know, someone you could talk in confidence to? As for going behind his back, it is a skill you will learn. No, make that need to learn for survival. Might as well start now.
You can deal with this. Yes, it is tough, as we all know. But you have plenty of support here.
My husband wants to drive coast-to-coast - from RI (though he doesn't remember the name of the state) to CalTech, to give some lectures at a meeting they're supposed to be having. I have suggested that, since he doesn't know when the meeting is, doesn't drive (forget 3000 mi), and doesn't know who to contact about all this, that he record his lectures onto a tape. He actually thinks this might be a good idea!
Well, the stress is OVER! DH actually called the college and resigned today. I put a master plan to work. Suggested to DH that I keep a notebook and that we review it in a few weeks or months and then decide what to do....he agreed. In the meantime, I made arrangements for a social worker to come to the house on the ruse that she was doing a followup for the clinic (MD actually suggested that in his report so this part was fairly easy). I shared his report with her and she agreed that there were some real concerns with his continuing to teach, getting grades mixed up etc. On Sunday I shared my diary with DH and that night we talked about it. He did not agree with anything that I had written, didn't remember doing any of stuff and didn't think he had a real problem. Uh Oh! The LCSW came the next morning and we talked for about an hour. At the end he told her we would talk about it and maybe compromise.........................I left to go back to work but when I got home he told me he didn't believe he had a problem but if I thought so then it must be true..........
Today when I got home from work, he told me that he called the school and resigned.....................Now guess what? I feel so guilty. My brain tells me this is the best thing but I feel like I have ended his career.... Now I am slapping myself about the head (figuratively) and trying to get over it......sooooo hard. !!! Only the beginning right???
One stress dealt with, another coming right up. That's the way it goes -- if you're lucky and get the one stress dealt with!
I'm sure that was ever so hard on you, MissB, but not nearly as hard as watching him struggle to teach, and failing. You KNOW you did the right thing. You KNOW you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You KNOW it would have been much worse if you hadn't been strong.
You know it was the MCI that ended his career. So sorry for all you're going through.
MissB I watched my husband struggle at the end of his career. He had so many good opportunities and messed them up. It hurt but I still wasn't thinking dementia. It came too young and too quickly.