A friend just posted that to my FB wall. It is hard to touch this without going into religion, a taboo subject here for good reason.
A paraphrase of my reply on Facebook is that I think, for evangelicals, there's no way to reconcile the "adultery" of the well-spouse finding companionship when the ill spouse no longer even knows him/her, with the fact that they're technically/churchilly still married. So, his way around is to allow for divorce.
Many spouses in our position, as we know, are not so concerned with the adultery/sin problem in this situation, because we've had to make our highest priorities 1)caring for the ill spouse, and 2)preserving our own wellness and sanity. Hence, those things might trump the technicality of church rules for some of us, and divorce is not necessary or relevant.
I could not believe it when I first saw this. What about a spouse in a coma, head injury from a car accident, war wounded...the list could go on and on. Can we divorce them? What happened to for better or worse......in sickness and in health.....
I know I was ready to divorce DH before the dx. But I could not leave him now. He needs me. How could I turn my back on him, he can't help it he is ill.
To give Pat credit where, I believe, credit is due, he seems to recognize two important things: That as AD progresses it IS like a death...at least the death of the relationship if not, technically, the person. And, that it may be unjust to insist on absolute marital fidelity to a spouse who does not know you and may linger in that limbo for years. It's just that, as an evangelical, he feels compelled to apply church rules--that is, you've got to divorce first.
I know we, on the Board, have divergent opinions on the "fidelity in the face of gone relationship" issue, but most of us who, objectively, would not insist on strict adherence to traditional adultery rules would also not see the divorce as a necessary prerequisite to having a friend. In fact, that feels more mean to me than staying married. The marriage at least represents that my primary obligation would be to attend to the comfort and contentedness of my ill spouse.
I read the article this morning and looked over at my sweet, stage 6 DH and thought does Pat Robertson really consider him a non-person? I agree with blue....What has our world come to, how sad.
I have watched Pat Robertson over the years and lately he has changed. He at times seems to have problems finding the words he wants, he says some 'off the wall things' - I guess his age is catching up with him or maybe something else.
well, I am not a fan of Pat's myself. How I see his pronouncement is as an effort to recognize the difficulty of Alzheimer's and long-term caregiving, and apply a type of situational ethics to it that tries to stay within the boundaries of evangelical religion to which he has committed himself.
I don't agree with his conclusion. When viewed from the framework of the moral code to which he's trying to adhere, it does seem wrong. But I presume that his goal is to give caregivers an escape hatch. You'll notice that he does apply the stipulation that the care of the ill spouse be assured.
Still, by the time you've gone ahead and recognized that every situation that humans can find themselves in requires its own analysis, ethically speaking, you might as well stop trying to shoehorn everything into the rules of a particular version of Biblical interpretation. The problem with Pat's call on this matter is that there is no way to rule compassionately for all concerned while hewing to the rigid precepts of a rules-based ideology. So the thing has kind of collapsed in on itself.
His suggestion is most assuredly NOT within the bounds of evangelical religion; I am appalled. This silly comment must be due to some cognitive deficit of his own. His handlers should keep him away from the press.
We are to love one another! It is easy to love a healthy spouse, but we should also love an ill spouse (no matter how hard it is).
I would think that AD existed in Jesus Day, I am not sure what they termed it then, but failing health is not new. We might put a different label on it today, but the standard set is still to honor your your vows.
I hope I did not hurt anyone by my comments. I don't fault anyone who feels it is in their best interest to divorce. That is up to each of us to decide what is best. I have not walked a mile in your shoes.
What was upsetting to me was that a religious leader would come out and say that. That an AD person was really no longer a person. If our religious leaders see them that way what hope do we have with the politicians when it comes to help for our loved ones!
My thoughts - I don't know about the rest of you but if I divorced DH, I would have a huge medical bill problem. Additionally, I would worry probably more about him than I do now and wonder if he was taking his medicine, eating, bathing, etc. I know that there is really no one who would help him. No one really know that there is a problem other than Son.
I haven't read the article and will probably not read it because it will make me angry.
My final thought - People who are taking care of a spouse with dementia need help not just words. May be Pat can fund a daycare facility (or free clinic) with the money he is making from selling this article?
AH come on guys pay no attetion to him, I doubt he has any idea how it really is to take care of your LO. Heck I don't have time to get divorced or the energy to commit adultry, and like Mary ,I can not imagine not knowing if he was eating- bathing getting meds and all the rest.Besides no one else could get as angry at him as I do and still LOVE him. That man is just NUTS.
AD is getting some media attention. Exactly, blue, "What about a spouse in a coma, head injury from a car accident, war wounded...the list could go on and on."
As an 18 year old girl I looked into his eyes and promised "in sickness and in health" to be faithful and put him above all others. There was no asterisk that said "unless of course times get tough and I want out". I would never be happy if I left he needs me more than ever. It is what it is and he would stay with me I have no doubt. Soon be 60 years and they've not all been rosy but this is definitely the worst I could have imagined. But I'll be here the Lord willing till one of us has gone Home.
Mitch Album wrote a lovely article in the newspaper today in rebuttal to Pat Robertson's remarks. I think it is a real pat on the back for us caregivers. Love, duty and honor are the keywords and the staff of our life, spouses. All of this is not in vain. No one said life would be a walk in the park. WE CAN DO IT AND WE WILL!
The comment by Pat Robertson didn't bother me that much because I don't care what he has to say. The comments that bothered me were the ones by the representative of the Alzheimer's Association. She said spousal caregiving "can be" hard on a couple of levels. A couple? It destroys practically every part of your life.
She also said that usually the family reacts to Alzheimer's disease like they would any other terminal illness. Really? That certainly hasn't been my experience, and it hasn't been the experience of a lot of other caregivers.
It bothers me that the official representative of the Alzheimer's Association, the group that is supposed to help us with this disease, seems not to have a true picture of what it's like to have a spouse with dementia. I think it would be a good idea for anyone who works for the Alzheimer's Association to have to do an internship with an actual family dealing with dementia. Being exhausted and stressed out and sleep-deprived might give them a different viewpoint.
It's not that I want to divorce my husband. I don't. But I'd like the Alzheimer's Association to recognize that caregiving can destroy you physically, emotionally, financially and every other way. And it's not because we're not doing it right. It's because that's the nature of the beast we are fighting.
Jan K, I agree completely with what you posted. I was truly disappointed with the response from the representative of the ALZ Assoc. also. How can we expect the public to "get it" when most group reps don't.
JanK, I could not agree with you more. I am so sick and tired of people who "think" they know what it is to contend with this disease day after day, including those who are dealing with other terminal illnesses. Not that those other illnesses don't have more than their fair share of stresses and sorrows for surely they do. My brother lost his wife to complications from meds given her in the fight against lung cancer. His loss is devastating to be sure. But what he doesn't realize, when he said to me " at least DH is with you,..." Well he is here alright. But unlike my brother and his wife who could talk about things, enjoy time with the grandkids etc we cannot..DH can't remember for 30 minutes that we are going out to dinner, or that we have to be out the door for an appt..etc.. I think unless someone has had to deal with Alz first hand as a caregiver they should not be head of the organization. This person knows not what she speaks about for most of us.
JanK that was no rant that was an accurate assessment of the situation. Vicki's right and so is Mimi......walk the walk before you talk the talk. It's like wanting to shake the world and say WAKE UP the epidemic is here and no one including the ALZ assoc is ready !!!!
Yes, terry,I think you can say that! He never has said anything about paralysis or coma being reasons for divorce but just alzheimer's or any other dementia's. There is something there that we don't know about. Everyone seems to want to twist things to fit their own thinking, it really makes me angry! Then I think, Pat Robertson and his comment is not worth my time. He hasn't got a clue but because we all have freedom of speech...
There are others at work who have serious illnesses in their marriage. A close friend has a husband who has survived 1 full year of pancreatic cancer. (and looks good, really) She has taken time off for chemo and dealt with the nausea and anemia.
We talk a lot and she hears me talking to my wife on the phone calming her panic or trying to orient her.
I have asked her if she would like to swap spouse Dxs and she consistently says "no way!" Even knowing full well that her widowhood will come much sooner than mine. (something else we have discussed)
Alz Assoc? . . . yeah . . . MUCH more attuned to grand/parents than spouses!
AA Meeting groups? AA Message board? NO PLACE tells it like it really is better than right here! Jim
Anyone who wants to know the reality of Alzheimers should eat lunch in the special dining room for Alzheimers patients. I join my husband of 61 years every day (for more than a year) for lunch and a visit. We live in a reirement home which has a nursing home.
This is a 5-star nursing home. I am very satisfied with his care. He knows who I am,but yesterday he asked me if we had children. Both of our daughters live several hundred miles away,but they do visit every month or so. Such is life.