We had quite a day yesterday. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com, and read my new blog. Can you relate to our experience? Are any of your spouses able to pull off what mine did yesterday, even with almost no short term memory?
I think when he was telling the doctor how walking was no problem I would have challenged him by saying; how the doctor how good you can walk.
As for your reaction - good job. Tearing out the sweater was a good choice and it can be redone. If you had exploded at your husband, undoing the bad feelings inside you at saying it and/or seeing the hurt in Sid would have been much harder.
When you dh accepts his Oscar for that winning performance, mine will receive his for best supporting actor. I can't imagine what comes over these spouses because it is like a shroud covering the "real" person. Two weeks ago I took dh to visitation for his nephew. I have told his sister and other nephew how my dh is declining, has no memory and can be so difficult. My dh spoke to him while I was speaking to other people. Next day I called my SIL but first speaking to nephew. I asked the both of them how they found dh. "Fine", they replied. Spoke to them about a project he was working on and was going to give it to someone in authority. I didn't contradict dh but this "project" is useless and all the people he would give it to are dead. Let them think he is "fine". Like you I live with a different animal. One who doesn't know my relationship to him and is content to wear same shirt and pants forever. Double AAAAARGHHH!!
We had almost the same experience this morning at the doctor's office. His ankles is really swollen - thought he had sprained it with one of his falls. By the time we got in the office, he didn't know why we were there, but when the doctor examined the ankle - he complained of it hurting. He told me it didn't hurt - but he sure can't walk on it! He followed the x-ray tech's instructions perfectly, conversed with the doctor about his (DH's) past medical experience, and on and on. I stepped out side of the room with the doctor and he said - "he sure is doing well, isn't he. You'd never know anything was wrong with him!" I told the doctor to come home with me and just stay for a few hours. LOL
How do they do this??? When we got home, he wanted to know why there was an ace bandage on his ankle!
The same thing happens when my DH sees a new doctor. I have a typed sheet I give to new doctors with his history and and medications. Two doctors have said to me that he seems to be doing well. He must have a mild case of AD. One doctor asked him his address. DH gave him our address, but could not remember our city. By the time we get home DH cannot remember we had even been to the doctor.
I had been telling our friends how it was getting harder to go out to eat as DH hasn't been eating and when he does it takes him over an hour with my prodding. Went out to dinner with those same friends and didn't he eat every bit of his dinner without my help! He is 6'2" and weighed 151 today with shoes and jeans on!
I don't know if I am wrong or not but this award winning "performance" sounds like it is normal?!?!? Is that possible? My DH does the same thing and it really hurts my feelings because if he can do it with them then why can't he do it with me!!!!!
I think many of us have seen our spouses' ability to compensate for their deficits when out and about, it does seem to be common with this disease. It is understandable, they want to fit in and seem as normal as possible (wouldn't we)? Joan, if it frustrates you that a new doctor is getting the wrong impression of Sid, would it help to have a short letter to email to the specialist (in advance) signed by Sid's neuro, explaining that Sid presents as much more high-functioning that he actually is; this factor should be considered when communicating with him and planning a course of reasonable treatment. What is the point of the doctor telling Sid he needs to walk more, when he will forget it by the time you get home and you will have difficulty in getting him to comply? Only results in more stress for you.
Why not send the doctor a copy of this blog. Maybe it would help him the next time he sees an Alzheimer's person. My DH just sits there and smiles while the doctor discusses his condition with no understanding what is being said. He does always reminds the doctor that he is walking his route in the house and this is not true. Our doctor always stresses the importance of exercise and some how he remembers this. By the way he ask me again last night if I was married. Then I ask him and when he said yes I ask who to. His answer "that is a good question"
marilyninMD, so do you think then that some of our LO's would be able to tell when they are switching up for the sake of appearances? Like when Sid came home he went right back to being the way he use to be before he left. It could even be change of scenery?
It never ceases to amaze me how we can be out with friends or relatives and Clare seems perfectly fine for those few hours. I am absolutely sure that some of these friends and relatives think I, not Clare, am the one with problems since they've heard me say this or that about her AD and yet, when they are with her, she seems okay. I, too, have written ARRGGH in my logs at these times!! Just one more way in which AD is such a weird disease!!!
I go through the same thing at his doctor visits. Similarly, it happened before he was diagnosed. I would talk to the doctor beforehand, telling him I thought something was wrong and when he went in to see my husband, he acted perfectly fine, could answer all his questions correctly and didn't act depressed, as he did at home. Now, the same thing, only he gets angry when the doctor asks him to do something that any person in his right mind could do and asks why he wants him to do that; I'm not stupid, he'll say. When he acts that way, then the doctor realizes there is something wrong.
I have experienced all of the above. My new approach to friends or family that ask about my dh. I say..."He seems to be stable right now...not much difference." They always respond..."That's good".
Some time ago I began to think, these people really didn't want to know how he is as long as he isn't on his death bed. So why make my self upset by having him over-achieve and make me look like the fool or liar.
Joan, I talked last year in a discussion about how in the past DH never spoke up to the doctor, he just allowed me to do all the talking. Since DH has been showing signs of FTD related dementia, he speaks up much more. If his doctor was paying attention, he would realize that this is not normal for DH. DH handled the last couple of his appointments and only looked at me when the doctor asked what meds he was taking. You would not know that there was a problem from his appointment.
deb--I can only speak about my husband, but I am sure he made a conscious effort to fit in during social situations. I saw it many times over the years since dx--much more talkative when we were out with friends, trying to follow conversations and contribute, etc. Even this summer, late stage 6, he was in a geripsych ward. At the end of the day, all the patients would sit around a large table with the recreational therapist and discuss their day. She told me that they nicknamed Steve "the chairman of the board" because of how he presented himself at these meetings. I think it somehow stimulated past memories of business meetings--he was an executive--and he would just "snap to it" and revert into old behaviors. He knew he was in familiar territory and somehow this enabled him to respond. Yet when they played games like bingo, for instance, he would sit there but not participate at all.
I listened when FD called to conduct some financial business this past week because I was concerned what sum he might quote. He has always been really into this sort of thing (and I'm completely lost). If I didn't know he was diagnosed with dementia I would have thought he was the same guy that has done this for years. He went through the correct procedure just like he has always done. I was surprised and happy he could do this. He did have everything written down that he wanted but he has always done this too for his records. He also seemed to keep up with conversation with his army friends at the reunion this past week. They may think I have exaggerated but that's o.k. too. Happy for any sort of normalcy these days.
It always amazed me how my DH would "pull it together" when his out-of-state adult children would come for the rare visit. It must have required a huge effort and clearly took a toll, however, as was obvious in the days following their departure. I see the same thing now in a dear friend with vascular dementia, when their daughter and grandkids come.
Thanks everyone for once again validating my feelings and experience. In talking to a friend about this, she asked me if Sid took a nap after coming home from an episode like the one I described in the blog. Her husband, who has FTD, does the same thing, but she said it takes so much energy to pull off "normal" that he comes hom e exhausted and falls asleep.
Joan, I haven't had anything similar with Gord but did years ago with my mom. I had a geriatric assessment team come to see her. There was a geriatrician, a resident geriatrician, a physiotherapist and a social worker. Mom was bright, funny and engaging. The young resident asked her about her meals. She chirped that she really likes a meat and potato supper. She was eating nothing. My sister and I were making soup by the gallon trying to get nutrition into her. The geriatrician asked if she could answer some questions. "in English or French?" chirped my mom. In the end, they had the evil daughter backed into a corner. Obviously I was trying to railroad my dear mom into a nursing home. They insisted on mom's having Meals on Wheels and on having a dietician come in weekly to discuss calories with mom. The Meals on Wheels meals sat in the fridge for days with little spoonfuls removed here and there. The dietician came weekly to tell mom how she could increase her calorie intake. Mom smiled and forgot. I pulled my hair out and decided that the team had not wanted to see or know the truth. Six months later mom went into a nursing home on a crisis basis and again they looked at the evil daughter and her carelessness in noticing that her mom was not functioning well.
It was frustrating and infuriating. It wasn't long after that mom started seeing squirrels running under her bathtub, the granddaughter of the man in the apartment above mom was hanging by her knees looking into mom's apartment and most frightening of all...she could just go around from the balcony next door to hers if she got locked out. The experts had spoken, though, and she was competent.