I just need some reassurance. An agency which comes with good recommendations in our area (Angel Care Network) is scheduled to start spending partial days with Jeff a couple days a week, next week. This is my maiden voyage into hiring help. Except for yard people and renovation contractors I've never hired help before.
The set-up is not bad...Jeff's stuff is in a neat downstairs bedroom, near a fairly tidy bathroom and the moderately tidy kitchen/great room area.
Still, I have this feeling that I need to be perfect, and I'm not. The dog leaves lots of fur tumbleweeds around, a psychologically disturbed (but harmless) cat lives in the basement and sometimes makes it smell (it's a really ugly unfinished basement anyway...that's where the laundry is,) and I'm in the process of sorting the upstairs bedrooms so that my son (currently away at college) will have somewhere to sleep when he comes home for Fall break. Because he gave up his downstairs bedroom for Jeff.
As for the two girls who still more-or-less live at home, one is also away at college, and one commutes from home. Both their rooms are disasters. I will be moving son into the bedroom of daughter who has sort of officially moved out. My room (where Jeff still sleeps at night) is pretty good, but mostly the caregivers won't need anything upstairs.
I'm also really really not domestically-gifted where food is concerned. So I will most likely leave a Caesar salad (from the store) for Jeff's lunch, and have ice cream on hand, but I won't have wonderful things in the fridge for the caregiver to make use of.
Tell me I shouldn't worry about dog hair and a basement that smells funky sometimes. Or that the upstairs hall needs to be painted. Or tell me something else, as you feel appropriate.
Do people leave special stuff on hand for the caregivers? My mom used to have a small basket of drinks and snacks. I'm happy with them eating the ice cream or tea or whatever else they can find, but is there a special recommendation?
i think it couldnt hurt to have something for a sandwich if necessary but the ones that come here always bring their own food /lunch or eat before. i do have drinks and snax if they want one. its a small price to pay for having a good one who does their job well. as far as all the other stuff i wouldnt worry. just explain they dont need to go only where your DH is located and the kitchen/bathroom. close all other doors or better get them locks. i am sure it will work out but like everything else it takes time to adjust both you and him. good luck divvi
emily---relax. From what you've said, here's what I see. The care-aides are to be there with and for Jeff, and the areas where that will happen are relatively clean and straight. There'as no need for the Aide to be affected by the situation upstairs, ut if it makes you feel better--close the doors. If the Aide is to do any household chores, it's up to you to have those areas basically clean and supplies needed on hand. Also,have basic things on hand for unexpected clean up---broom, mop, paper towels, pail, etc. As to meals and snacks. You don't have to provide any for the Aide, but it can't hurt to allow for sharing sometimes. As to selection, your salad idea is good, but you could also have on hand some Chunky soups, and frozen entrees--(I use Lean Cuisine). They have all sorts of selection---pizzas, paninis,entrees, oriental, etc. None of thosethings take any real cooking effort or time. You'll do fine.
Em-it's your house. I don't think you're competing for the job of susiehomemaker-are you? Do what makes your life easier. You are a wonderful and talented person. But why do you make your poor cat live in a stinky basement? I'm going to have to send MsGracie over to check it out. On second thought-I won't. Enjoy your time without guilt.
Emily, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW (You Feel) Sweetheart, PLEASE let all that go. It truly does not Matter. But, YOU, do have to get comftorable with all this....this, is a big step for you! Let your girls, sort of find their way...and just somehow...say to yourself, Emily, I' am now entering into a new land...One step in front of the other...somehow, someway, Em, it will begin to feel....Better...........? As best as it can ever feel.................................................? Love, Robyn
Bluedaze...the kitty does not HAVE to live in the basement. She is free to come and go. When she's not in one of her crazier phases she'll come upstairs, but she has terrible skin allergies for which she's received steroids, and I think it's done in her mind. As a result she chooses to remain in the basement where she has plenty of food and litter boxes provided. The door is open though.
The first week I had an aide she went thru and cleaned every room. she knew what was needed and did it, I did not even ask her, she asked me if I wanted the room dusted, vaccumed. That is what I needed to be done and I told the agency going in that was what I was looking for. She has been with us for over a year now and we had some adjustment to make. The big issue is to communicate your needs and ask where she can help. She was hired by the agency to take care of my wifes needs, by doing these other tasks make it possible for me to do more for my wife and there by she accomplishes her goal of aiding my wife.
emily--the policy of the agency I used was for the aides to bring their own food. All but one did. The best ones I had pitched right in and many kept asking me if there was something they could do to help me. So after a break-in period and once they really know Jeff, you might be comfortable asking them to do some of the things you haven't gotten around to. Most of my helpers realized they were there to help lighten the load on me as well as take care of Steve. At least one has stayed in touch--just got a call from her this week.
Believe me, the good ones know how draining dementia caregiving is and they won't be judgmental. And as I was cleaning up from hurricane Irene, I thought of how much help my aides would have been!
Emily, I agree with the others, it is your house and unless you are a candidate for the TV show hoarders, then you have no worries LOL. I can say that now, but I was a nervous wreck when the social workers and nurses first came to my house. I can only assume this is because I grew up with a nervous mother who made us kids clean the house spotless before the housekeeper came. Seriously!? Now it makes me laugh, but at the time I thought my mom looney! She wasn't, she just fell into the supermom hype. We all need help, and truly no one cares how your housekeeping or cooking skills are.
I like Divvi's idea of a lock for upstairs. That might bring you a bit of comfort for the first few visits. As for meal, does Jeff qualify for meals on wheels? That was a huge help to me. I hope it goes well for you Emily and that you enjoy some "you time"!
One of my helper's jobs is to clean up after my husband and try to organize his stuff, which he resists. Since moving my part of the house is in some order, and having her come does motivate me to keep it that way. But it makes sense that part of her job might be to deal with his chaos. If you have things of his you want to go to his new bedroom she could even work on that with him.
Jeff's stuff is in order—I have already reduced it—because he has long since lost the ability to even know what he has. The only objects he looks for are about 3 different books (Accounting for Dummies, a couple of investment books by William J. O'Neill.) He doesn't really read them, he just looks at the tables of contents and thinks he's reading them. Otherwise, I've been able to eliminate all but a few pictures and a couple objects he might find familiar in his room.
So, I think the helper will have the tasks of keeping Jeff company, helping with his shower and dressing, keeping that one bathroom, his room, and the kitchen area tidy, getting his lunch and snacks. Maybe taking a walk with or without the dog depending on person and weather. Possibly doing Jeff's laundry if it's piled up enough.
I guess we'll just have to see how it works out.
(I know about that chaos stage though...Jeff collected piles of construction/renovation odds&ends in the basement in the years when he was still doing work but losing his ability to organize. I left it for a long time so that he would feel he still "could" do work, if he wanted to. After he hadn't gone in the basement by himself or attempted to initiate a job for over a year, I finally had things hauled away and he never noticed.)
Emily, you are 4 weeks ahead of me. I have spent the "Labor Day" weekend Laboring to get my house ready. I am one month out for the home-aid via an agency. The guy (friend) who has been with hubby has puck his last nerve. I think it's part Alz and part this guy doesn't get the deal he had. 2 hours, I bought lunch and gas.....all I ask just don't annoy my husband. Well the straw broke the camels back on wednesday and now the plus care I was adding is now the care I am adding. I have to work full time and hubby's at the point frustration leads to anger and I can't deal with that and work all day and care for him when I get home.....we all know the seceriao. I had interviewed an agency and all seems set to go. My huge thing is getting our "stuff, papers, banking etc" put away. I will admit it hasn't been my priority and now it has to be. I am adding a new lock to a downstairs door and stopping my mail for one month, to a post office box. I already have two different locks on my back door (unrelated issue) to the house. I am putting a nanny cam in the lock room that houses all my papers. Do I sound paranoid ....I think just being smart......??? Emily let us know how things go ......I will be listening attentively :)
Only because I am gone all day .....just felt like until we all (agency person and us) are comfortable I didn't want my stuff being looked at. The Nanny cam is only on the room with all the papers and my desk. It would only activate if someone goes in the room. I have the key so that should be No one :) I guess I just feel vulnerable since I am gone all day and Hubby will not really be aware but of things only he's in tune with. It was a rather dramatic couple of days and I am not going to take any unnecessary changes......do I sound Paranoid ??? hope not, I generally trust people and always prefer to think the best. Maybe because control of our lives is determined by this dreaded disease :(
I too was worried about my house keeping and my cat and all my other usual messes when our aide came the first day.all she does is keep Paul company and give him a snack if he wants one.She is free to eat whatever also,but she is not here at meal time. I locked the bedrooms that were of no use to her or Paul. Laid out what clothes and cleaning suoolies she might need-showed her around the kitchen and bath. Thye first day she came -she just pulled her shoes off ,sat down at Pauls feet -started petting the shedding cat and seemed right at home. She said she had cats-dogs and kids at home so she was certainly no used to perfection. Now If I don't have time to sweep before she comes I do not get upset. Just takes time. Good Luck!!!
The Aide person is to keep him company and doing "stuff" One of hubbies big problem with "Pay friend" was his desire to sit and watch TV. Hubby wants to be active. Ride his bike, garden, pick up pine cones......of course he can't do any of this on his own. But with help he can stay active and be outside for the next couple of weeks before cold weather comes in. Sitting depresses him, he knows a time will come when that will be his life. But also he doesn't understand any TV that is complicated. Loves Matlock :) I am trying with all my might to allow him the best of what he can have. Working all day is tough to micromanage him at home. Hopefully this will work well, I am having her cook/get his lunch and start his dinner. I think they will need some stuff to do so I am delegating laundry. Hubby has always done it until recently (no need to explain what happened over and over again) So to preserve my work cloths I had to take that task from him. Only thing I don't ask them to do underwear :) I figure if I am going to go broke I might as well not do laundry.......
i offered bobby's aide to help herself to drinks or snacks there is always some on the counter so bobby can see them and want to eat. he eats so very little these days. she declined saying she had he own drink and snack. my house is upside down right now with upcoming remodeling and just the lack of time to get to anything but the high spots. at least i get to do my 40 hour job from home but between bobby and our 2yr old grandson , dogs and cats the house takes a beating. she was real nice and has told me to let her know what she can do for me light duty so that she can be ready to move when bobby does because if he is awake he is up and walking the yard for hours. i did put a lock on my office door because of my work desk. she was very understanding about that. second visit coming up Sat. maybe i will see if she can do a little ironing. :)
Oh my.....big step......hired a CNA !!! Seems to be lovely and has worked with ALZ patients before. Now if Hubby is comfortable we begin next week. She will shadow us on Friday, meet Hubby, interact, stay with him while I get my walk (only thing saving my sanity during a long day and it's free!) Pray he likes her, pray, pray pray !!! I no longer care that I am spending our savings, hopefully this will save me to be the best looking Greeter at Wal-Mart in ten years from now. That's my goal :)
It's only MY savings; he has none:( So I'm placing him in respite while I visit kids. No Trader Joe's here; so Wal-mart I'll wear my sturdy shoes and be ready to greet folks with a smile.
I have a plan too, only it doesn’t involve working. I will live with one of my kids (or all 4 of them on a revolving schedule) & I want to do volunteer work. It also might include declaring bankruptcy, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
I agree Elaine-bankruptcy is probably in my future too-Maybe we should take a beautiful LONG trip and chare it to credit card first! I want to go to Ireland. Actually I will probably be flippin' burgers at MacDonalds by then!
At my age I am too old to work as a Walmart Greeter. I think I will rotate 4 months at a time between my 3 children. I am not doing dishes or cleaning. I will toss my clothes on the floor along with my wet towels. I will play my music too loud and snack at all hours leaving the mess. When I go out at night I will not say where I am going and what time I'll get home. Hmmmmm.....Have I left out anything?
Betty, I have no desire to travel overseas EXCEPT if it would be to go to Ireland! Yes, lets charge the trip! You do NOT want to work at McDonald’s! I did that over 20 years ago & there were just too many young kids working there & all the drama that goes along with it. Bama, ask for an advance on my allowance even though I just got it 2 days ago!
Ok, I am so proud of myself (this is really sad) I installed a new door knob with a lock on my basement closet......All by myself, read the directions and installed that puppy and it work !!! My dear sweet hubby "i'll just stay out of your way" I kiss and thank him and began my new adventure. First it was starting a Generator for Hurricane Irene, now installing locks .....I just don't think these are necessary items for my Resume as the Wal-mart greeter :)
I am doing it. There is someone named Kimberly at my house, and I am writing in the library. I wonder if I will stop feeling somewhat queasy about this.
Let's make Emily feel better by imagining what might be happening while you are away (I know you wrote 5 hours ago and are home now--I'm not sure it would be fair to do this if you were still at the library). While you were away your cat threw up and your husband stepped in it. He wanted tea and when she looked in the cabinet where he said the tea was kept she found a pint of mummified icecream. Others want to play?
emily, you will build trust over time, she will learn what your expectations are and you will in time feel you can leave the house. I am now experiencing trust at an all new level. I know that Sandra is totally dependant for help with almost every task. I am trusting that the NH is going to meet her needs. It has been 24 hrs and I have gotten an email from a friend that visited her that said all was good. I know if I go there she will beg to go home and I am trusting that they will do thier job. I think you in time will get to feel comfortable with your help, at least I hope you do.
Emily my Kimberley is Cheryl. Our first meeting went well yesterday. It was exhausting for my Hubby, he talk and talk and talk (not that any thing made sense) Cheryl didn't run away so I quess that's good :) Cheryl explained that she will do light housekeeping duties and then ask "just let me know what day you want your beds taken apart and the sheets done" Say what??? Not sure when I changed the sheets last :) Cheryl will be with Hubby each afternoon that I work, sounds like she will get my laundry done, start dinner and keep Hubby out of trouble. I am going to be so broke but not so exhausted ?............and hopefully enjoy the balance left of what quality time we might still have together. Hubby may not know what day it is, where the bathroom is but his smile can still light up a room and my heart. I hate this (bad word) disease!!!
well today was our third day of the caregiver coming in for bobby. it is only once a week and then only for 3 hours at this point. 1st 2 times went real good but he was not happy after she left today. said he did not want to sit around with her anymore. both other times they had been outside more i think. she seems real nice. i hope he doesn't refuse next week. rest is still not in the picture for my time out yet. still to busy catching up on errands. still a very unsettling thing to leave, the 1st time i had to call my mom as i was going up the highway to tell me to breathe, i felt like i could not caught my breathe. oh well a work in progress for us both
Yeah, me too. Jeff is doing just fine and seems completely oblivious to the fact that someone is there to take care of him. It's just as if she's as ok to have hanging around as anyone, why not? This does not prevent my having the difficulty adjusting as I leave, such as you describe. So, since it is only 2 six-hour shifts a week at this point, I'm just reassuring myself that that's HARDLY ANYTHING and I don't have to add another minute of caregiver time...just leave it at this until I get used to it.
I started getting a CNA a couple of years before my husband died. First once a week, so he could get used to the aide and I could get away, then twice, ditto, and then three times, then five days a week for at least a little time in the morning to get him up and dressed. I was lucky that before long I was assigned, by the agency, the estimable Andrew, who was a 26 year old guy who'd had drug problems but who got extremely attached to my husband. I made sure valuables were put away and never had a problem on that score, and my husband enjoyed him a lot. Andrew did the household work, eventually, and maintained the yard far better than i had been doing; when we had a flood he brought over his shop vac and emptied out the basement water.. and brought over an adorable dog belonging to his mother, a Cavalier King Charles who would lie by my husband to be petted. Andrew maintained his anti-drug and also anti-alcohol regimens and has now departed for Florida where his father lives. I think he doesn't want to get attached again and is looking for another line of work. But I miss him!
Week one has ended and the new order has begun. It was very nice NOT to have to worry all day while working. The funniest moment was Hubby calling (has picture phone) the only morning I had no coverage. "You have got to do a better job at getting my cloths ready, you can't expect me to find everything, I get confused" Now of course you know it's all laid out for him, separated items etc. My response " I am sorry, I will do better", what else to say :) Well I called CNA to please arrive early he needed help. She did all was good. Adjusting hours.....it's a work in progress like Briegull says. I have since stop stressing about being broke it was beginning to make me sick, I just now accept I will be broke and hope all the promises made that I won't be homeless are true. On tuesday Hubby and CNA work outside planting mum, look on hubby face was a beautiful proud smile at their (her) accomplishment .....that was PRICELESS !