I'm sitting in front of the computer on a sunny saturday and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to go to the widows and widowers section even though that is where I belong. And I shouldn't come here because the fight is over. But I'm still fighting. I don't know what to do with myself. I have people that want me to go out, but I don't want to. I just sit in front of this computer and think. I go to the video on this demon disease, but I don't have to anymore. Is there a life after his death. I'm talking about me. I feel like I'm looking down at the people moving about in their lives. I'm watching them, but I'm not part of them. I just wish I knew how to feel and what to do with what ever is remaining of my time on earth.
Paula, my heart aches for you. I'm not there yet, so have no real advice for you. But we are here for you anytime, 24/7. Know my arms are around you. I pray you will find some peace for yourself.
Paula*-you are temporarily in no man's (woman's) land. The first time you have to check the widow's box it will make you feel so alone. You are no longer part of a couple but don't yet consider yourself a widow. It hasn't yet sunk in. On day you will walk out your front door and see a flower that you never noticed was in bud. On that day you will know that you are still part of the living. At least that's the way it was for me. My magnolia tree produced one lovely bloom totally out of season.
Paula M* you should be here and are most welcome. Your fight doesn't end just because you are no longer an active caregiver. You have a lot of experience to share with those of us who haven't been where you have been. Our heart goes out to you and the tough few months you will be dealing with. (((hugs)))
Paula, my husband has been gone for 8 months and I still check out this site at least once a day if not more. I do not post as often as I did, but this place was such a big part of my life for 3 years (our journey was short compared to others) I just can't stay completely away. Even after all these months I am still at loose ends and losing my job in July has certainly not helped. Coming to this site makes me feel less alone. I think we are welcome here for as long as we "need" to be here.
Yes, Paula, and all you "stars"....please continue to post. We continue to need you as long as you need to be here. Actually, you are still caregivers...for yourselves, and for us...giving us your experience and words of wisdom. I like your idea of planting a tree in memory of your husband, Paula.
I feel like you are all part of my family and we don't walk off and leave family when a member crosses over. Paula, we each grieve in our on way and for some it takes longer than others. I am praying for some sunshine in your life.
I agree with Bama. We're all family who are sharing our lives and need each other's encouragement and experience. Paula, I pray you'll find peace and comfort soon.
Paula, you so belong here with the rest of us. If not for those of you that have been thru this the rest of us would not have shoulders to cry on or hugs to feel thru space. We need you. Your advice, your friendship, your happiness, your tears, your memories,,,,, You..... Please don't leave us..... Take it one minute at a time and find joy in everything. You have completed the hardest part of this journey and you will complete this next step. We will help you...... Just hang in there with us.......Hugs and prayers are on the way for you.....
Paula, when I read your post I was reminded of others here that now have a star and how they struggled in the weeks and months after their loved one had passed away. Go back in the widow thread and read the archives of some, Texas Joe comes to mind and Stunt girl, I think, anyway, just go back and read some of these and you will see you are not alone in how you feel. What you are feeling is "normal" after what you have been through. Try to just think about today and do a kind deed for someone else even if you don't feel like it,soon you will find the feelings will follow. And like everyone else said "keep coming here as long as you need to". Hugs and prayers for you today.
PaulaM- It has only been a little over a week for me, and I kept myself so busy that I completely forgot to throw a pity party for myself..I wake up and the house is so empty, and I now realize that caregiving was such a full time job, and I am now basically unemployed. I still have my mom and Murray to take care of, and luckily both have needed some serious attention, but it is not the same. I also miss the daily hours with my son and those with my daughter. All that is ended and I am now ALONE. This week, I gave away a lot of my furniture, bought 2 new bedroom suites, new bedspreads, curtains, and luckily, I had serious problems hanging the curtains and making the beds. I am also planning on tearing out the kitchen cabinets, and installing a restaurant. I think the key to getting thru all this is staying busy, and not dwelling on what was. You need to concentrate on what might be, and what will be.
Hi Andy, I did what you suggested, I spent the last 40 minutes reading the beginning of the widows and widowers posts and the ending. Yes your right. It is very familiar. I know that my feelings are not different from the rest, but I don't have much faith in having peace in my life for the future. I know time will tell, and my feelings are also the same as others, but I know in my heart that this man brought me through life from a very young girl to a woman. How can someone else mean the same to me in the future. That is my concern.
Paula M--I don't yet have my star but I think I can respond to your question. Your grief will ease and with time you will build a new life with new experiences and new people in it. None of that will take anything from the special place your DH holds in your heart. Just as a new child takes nothing from the parents' love for the other child(ren), someone new becoming special will hold their own place in your heart. Each will hold their own unique place, in no way competing. For now, slow down and work on getting through each day. That's enough to deal with. Let the future come to you in its own time.
Paula, give yourself some time....it does help. My husband was my high school sweetheart and we were married over 40 years when he died. So, I know how you are feeling....but don't think that life can't be fun and enjoyable again. The fun and enjoyment will be different, but life is what you make it, right?
I am very happily single....don't need someone to "fulfill" me or make me happy. I can do that all on my own.
For those of our friends here who have found another person to love, I salute them. It is right for them and I applaud their fearlessness in taking that step.
Grieving is a process.....take the steps and take your time. There is life after AD....I promise.
Thank you Carosi. I really appreciate what you said. Sandi , I thank you also. The thing is, I really don't want to go through another relationship now, but I have always been an active person, and it has come to a stop. I don't want to bother my friends that are a couple because I don't want to be the third wheel. I know I'm not in their eyes, but I feel it. I just miss living life instead of existing in life.
Paula....find an activity you enjoy and join in. For me it was water aerobics and I have found a whole group of friends who have introduced me to other people and my social life is sometimes more active than I would like. Also, I go to the movies by myself, take myself out for dinner and do lots of stuff on my own.....I bring a book wherever I go and I am comfortable.
Still I want to reiterate...this is still new for you....cut yourself some slack. Take baby steps....and look forward.....the good Lord didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head.....!
Sandi, you mentioned two things I will not do. One is going to the movies and the other is eating out. I can go shopping by myself but those two things I cannot do. I envy you to be able to do that. I guess I'm not that strong.
Paula - Each CG is as different as each AD individual, you will go thru what you go thru and come out OK. You may see the future as bleak right now, but Nature will guide you in your own good time. My DH loved me from the time we were ten y.o. in grammar school, I know how you feel about that. And, no, you probably will not feel that way again about someone else, but you may feel something quite different and agreeable with someone else, so don't cut yourself off from possibilities. In fact, I have not been the sweet young bride I was for many a decade, I wouldn't expect the same thing--who has the energy! Your DH will always be in your heart, but you have to be who you are today. You sound depressed--quite understandable, and I know how hard AD is, but it's not the worst thing in the world. It sounds trite, but it's still good advice--find a volunteer outlet. Not only will you be with other people, learn new things, there will be meetings, phone calls, appts to keep, and you will feel validated as a person helping others. Start small, let it grow, and in the meantime, stay here, this is where you'll find undestanding.
Paula, give yourself permission to feel the way you feel. If you don't feel very strong right now, that's fine! Even depression is normal under the circumstances. You won't always feel this way. Do you know how I know that? Because, you said that you are a very active person by saying that you want to live life instead of exist in life. It will take some time and like was already said it will not be the same but it will be good. Please come back often and stay with us because we need each other. Just like a family if one piece is missing it is felt by all.
Dear sweet Paula, I am so glad to see you posting and sharing with us ♥ Firstly, you DO belong here!! And it is fine to share your feelings here instead of in the widowed thread. I doubt I will ever be able to post "up there" If it makes you feel more comfortable I am sure no one minds at all that you share your feelings right here ((hugs))
Reading your post reminded me of a recent conversation with a widow at Lynn's nursing home. The residents who have spouses, most of the spouses come often, if not every day. Most come at lunch or dinner to feed their loved one. After a while of seeing the same people in the elevator, you get to talking and sharing. There are more men who visit than women. I am not sure why that is, but it has raised men up immensely in my book. Several come every day, one brings a book to read to his wife every day. They take their wives for walks, feed them, and laugh and smile at the tiniest glimpse of their wife. I see myself reflected in them. One is younger than the others, in his late 60's. He always says that I am too young to spend my life this way, but he understands why I do. He always says, we love them, what else can we do?
Well, his wife recently died, he was devastated. The next day at lunch we shared an elevator. I thought he was there to collect her things. Turns out he had done that the night before.... he broke down in the elevator and said to me, I just don't know what to do anymore! She is gone, what do I do now? I have no idea....... so I came here....... I didn't know what to do or what to say, so I just held onto him as his body tried to slump to the floor... The poor bugger was so lost, so hurt, the only place he could think to come was the nursing home where he had last seen his wife. It broke my heart.......
And I know, that will be me one day.
Two month later and he still comes to the nursing home most days. All of us always talked about how sad it was that so many people rarely, if ever, have a visitor. So now, he comes to spread a little sunshine to those who have been abandoned. I think I would flee from the pain inflicted by dementia, but he finds comfort in helping others in their journey.
We are all very different. Some will be torn to shreds, some will be relieved.... there is no right or wrong. It is how YOU feel, and that is all that matters. One moment at a time, one day at a time. Slowly but surely, you will find your way Paula. Come often, we care ((hugs))