I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. I hope you will find it uplifting in the midst of all of our sadness.
Like you, I have always been known for my smile. It takes more than just getting up in the morning to bring a smile to my face. Will have to look for the good things to remind my face that smiles are much prettier than frowns.
Joan, I try to keep a smile on my face, but when it is not a smile from your heart, I think others notice. I can smile and laugh in public, but it is not truly how I feel in my heart. My DH is in a NH now and in early Stage 7, so the "married widow" is live an well in my house.
Oh Joan-I would love to find my smile again-like you I was noted for being happy and easy to laugh and smile.Now all I know is fear and tears.They are with me all the time-I am angry-sad- broken in spirit and somedays see no reason to get out of bed except to care for dh. I have got to get a better hold on my emotions or I will not survive this d--- disease.
I know I don't smile and laugh as I used to. I don't care to go out with people, either. Now, I'd just as soon stay home. Life is kinda like slowly putting one foot in front of the other. Last evening daughter asked me to come to their house and one of the grandkids would come sit with Gramps. I declined.
Your blog reminded me of the Brownie Smile song from my childhood: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HUHg5O_fIw
I used to always smile, too. Got me in big trouble with the nuns in school :)
Sadly, my smile is often hidden in my pocket these days... I guess it is one thing that can't be forced; it is an indicator of happiness, and the changes in my DH are not happy changes :(
There is something that I have noticed for a long time now....go into any store- grocery, mall, church, etc, and really look at people and try to find one with a smile on their face.... You will discover that only 1 in about 30 people will smile...most look angry, frustrated, mean, glum, sad, depressed, drugged out, pissed off, miserable, gloomy, and irritable,. It is rare to see a happy person. I have vowed not to be one of those people. I practice smiling, and sometimes have to fake it, but I do not want to be a grumpy old man. I think Walter Matthau is dead, is he not??
My father in law once told me "Show me a man who smiles, and I will show you an idiot."
Frank-I have found that saying something pleasant to the grouch in front of you can cheer both of you up. Also-sometimes they are deep in thought rather than really grouchy.
My husband used to compliment me on my lovely smile. Everyone used to admire my sense of humor. And in the early and middle stages of this disease, I could take some of his bizarre behavior and laugh at it. But now, I by chance will pass a mirror and see this drawn face whose mouth is turned down. I am not aware that it is how I look, and that now it is how I am perceived by others. I am tired.....bottom line. We, my husband and I were determined we would fight the good fight with this disease, knowing what challenges we would face down the road. But the battle is now mine and only mine. He is gone...to a place that only knows the moment of pleasure or pain and he doesn't remember in the next moment what has happened. I have my moments of smiles but it is hard to smile when you are cleaning a grown man of his poopy diaper and he is playing tug of war with you, when he dumps his plate of food on the table and proceeds to eat off the table, etc. etc. I love my garden...I love those few quiet moments that I steal each morning before I awake him, when I go outside with my coffee and my two lovely little dogs who romp at my feet....when I steal some time as I do now to connect with friends on Facebook. But I long to have dinner with friends, to go to a movie in the evening and a coffee afterwards...things that now seem so difficult to do. I am trying to keep up the smiley face but the mirror says it all.
I have read and re-read this more times than I care to admit ......everytime I read it, it makes me sob. Many of the stories and reflections on this sight make me cry and many make me laugh, many make me reflect and some just tear my heart apart. This one caused me sobbing and wondering what was wrong with me.......it's taken me until now to realize it was my worst fear/thought .......I don't want to lose my smile. I can't even write this with out tears flowing from my eyes. I don't want to lose it, I don't want to lose my smile and I am so afraid I will and no one can help or stop it. I have no answers only a wonderful husband that loves me more than life itself.....got to stop don't want to lose it today