When we go out eat I order for my husband & pay the bill. They probably don't, however, I always think the servers are thinking "Boy she is controlling" I have thought of making up little cards to discreetly give out, saying "My husband has dementia, I will be ordering for him & paying the bill" They always seem to place the bill next to him. Does anyone have any suggestions regarding this? Thank you, Kadee
When my husband and I go out to eat, after I give the waiter our order I just add that today's lunch is my treat. No one is embarrassed and the waiter knows to put the bill next to me.
I must look like the agressive type, since I always seem to have the bill placed by me! I am also 'lucky' that my husband can't read without the computer looking machine we have at home to magnify so I can say he can't read the menu and they think it is just his eyes! It seems harder and harder to eat out anyway since my DH gets so impatient if we have to wait long...
I think it is becoming more and more common for women to pick up the tab, either in a business or a dating scenario, so this is less and less of a problem for caregivers as long as we "signal" the waiter.
I simply raise my head to look at the waiter when s/he brings the check, and move my hand to accept it. Always did it that way in a business scenario, never had a problem; do it that way now with my husband, haven't had a problem. At most, the waiter who wasn't smart enough to look around the table to see who wanted the check, or moved too quickly to hand the check to a man at the table, got flustered for screwing up.
Remember, Kadee, they're waiting on you, and keeping you happy and making you comfortable is a very important part of the job. I suspect the only time they'd think something negative about you would be if you stiffed them on the tip!
Oh, and as for the ordering part ... for all they know, your husband doesn't speak English that well, or is hard of hearing, or doesn't see well, or maybe doesn't even read well.
If you act as if YOU are comfortable and what you're doing is perfectly natural, I don't think they'll think twice about it.
i guess i am odd 'man' out here:) i just look at the waiter close to the meals end and state quite boldly. 'please bring me the check'...i usually have me credit card out and waving it in his face as well to avoid any misunderstanding on whose paying:)) works like a charm. divvi in my own case, i coudnt use the little 'cards ' stating dementia. i would always be looking for confirmation they 'got it'...ha.
Thank you to everyone who replied to my post. It is just probably me, however, since my husband does sometimes thank them for drinks or whatever, they look at me like "Oh one of those" If they only knew.
Kadee, everyone at the table should be thanking the waiter, it's just good manners. It has nothing to do with who's paying. Although, unfortunately, a lot of people are downright rude to waiters. They're probably so pleased that your husband is courteous, they're glancing at you in jealousy for having made such a catch!
Guess I am different then all of you. I am very nice to the waiters and I always leave a nice tip. But, honestly, I could care less what the waiter thinks and I doubt seriously if he gives us 5 mins. worth of thought either, if he is a good waiter he is too busy to care who orders or who pay. My DH was so slow in ordering and making up his mind I just order for him.
My husband is still perfectly capable of ordering for himself, but what drives me crazy is when the server lists the salad dressings in fast forward - "We have...........ranchitalianthousandislandhoneymustardbluecheeseraspberryvinegarettecaesarhousecreamyitalian." That's when Sid looks at me with a "huh?" expression, and I suggest to him which he should get.
I give thanks every time we can successfully (?) eat out. My DH can't read the menu or order. I tell the waiter what we'll both have. Since he probably has seen our dance around the chair trying to get him to sit in it, I don't think they're too terribly surprised that I'm taking charge. I cut up the food and watch very carefully to prevent any spills or bad table manners. It's not a restful meal and my DH never says a word, but it's better than cooking it (usually!). Sometimes I try to start a conversation, but he really doesn't get it and I'm usually sorry. Of course, I grab the bill when it comes. But I know that someday I'll look back on those meals and wish for them!
I'm with you, FLgirl! I am thankful each & every time we can continue to eat out, altho I do the same things you are doing. And Kadee, I still 'worry' about having to order & all, but I guess I just 'do it' and my DH seems "happy" to have food & drink, so it all works out in the end. I do have little cards that I got on the Alz website & they are really "cute" with a pretty yellow flower...They say "The person I am with has Alzheimer's -- Please be patient...Thank you" If the waiter/waitress has heard of Alzheimer's, then they seem to at least know 'something' is wrong, so it won't seem so unusual that I'm doing all the ordering, paying, etc. I rarely use the card eating out, but have had to use it @ other times, like at the airport when we were taking my grandmother to catch a flight & they would only let "one of us" go to the gate with her in her wheelchair...I just showed the ticket agent the card & that was that. She asked for an ID for my husband and we BOTH got a pass to go down to the gate with my grandmother. The card helps to not have to "say outloud" so that my husb has some dignity in the disease...which I think is so important! I hope this helps.
I wanted to add that i am also polite to waiters too and always give a special extra tip if i can see they are going out of their way to make things happen faster. i let them know we are in a kind of 'hurry' (DH may not sit very long if food doesnt come fast) and would appreciate a rush order. on many occasions i have to help DH cut his foods and even feed him in the end of the meal if he loses interest or not able to use his fork properly. some days spoons are just better.i usually ask for a table in a less crowded area and away from activities as this can cause anxiety. i have had pretty good luck even now i take him in the wheelchair and not have to make him resit is easier at times. most people are compassionate and just smile if you catch their eye but there are still some out there that can be unwilling to accomodate. just recently i had to take DH into the ladies Rroom in a restaurant and she looked quite 'annoyed' i was telling her there was no where else to go with him and he cant go by himself, to please indulge us -i cant help but wish 'someday you may be in my shoes'..when folks arent nice-..in the beginning it was harder to work thru allt hese things now i have grown quite accustomed to behaviours and work thru it. divvi thank goodness most people have someone they know with AD and its becoming common.
Rather than order for my wife, I usually order first. Then DW will say "I'll have the same". It makes things much easier, except this past week when we were all having dinner and she ordered a lobster roll.
Carolyn, I actually ordered some of these "online". THey come in bundles of 20 for $5 or 100 for $15. I ended up ordering the 100 & then "sharing" with those in our support group & with the Alz Association in our area :) Here's where they are on the www.alzstore.com website. They are called "Please be patient Cards". Hope this helps if your Alz Assoc in your area does not have. http://store.nexternal.com/shared/StoreFront/default.asp?CS=ageless&StoreType=BtoC&Count1=14888942&Count2=932029366&CategoryID=4&Target=products.asp
I'm currently doing the ordering and the check paying. I put the credit card next to my plate when I'm ready for the check. Most servers take the hint. Occasionally one won't and will just put the check in the middle of the table. That is OK too.
I started ordering for both of us when my husband stopped wearing his hearing aids. He can't hear their questions. I almost always have to repeat them to him, and then get his answer for them. By the time it is check time, they mostly have it figured out.
I'm also eating in places where there are a lot of seniors. Our local diner is very child friendly, and also very senior friendly. The servers there are aware that in many cases they are the last restaurant that a couple can still go to. At this point we can go other places and do, but it is getting harder and harder to do that.
I guess we never know how others might view us. I've been taking my husband to a new pizza place for several months now. I always tell the hostess where we'd like to sit, order for us both, dish up the pizza for both of us, pay the bill, make sure we remember the box with the left-over pizza.
Yesterday, the waitress called us "you two lovebirds."
My husband is nineteen years older than I, and for the first time in his life, really looks his age.
Kadee, I think maybe servers are a little more perceptive than we think.
Sunshyne, i know what you mean, looking his age. my DH is 17yr older and finally looking it too. we were always told what a 'dynamic couple' we made:)awww.. his hair is totally silver now and when it turned gray it went almost straight. all his life he had a mass of frizzy curly hair he colored darker brown. he is frail and so thin now too, even though he eats all day long. he walks, talks mumbo jumbo mostly, and I have hold of him everywhere now just in case. i cant tell you how many people always comment on how well i am caring for my 'dad'...drs offices/restaurants/pharmacy/, etci explain hes my husband, and they get embarrassed but i am used to it now with him looking somuch older.. i find myself looking at photos lately so remind myself how it used to be. its going too quickly it seems. divvi
I know what you mean divvi. DH is only 10 years older than me. He was grey when I met him 11 years ago, grayed prematurely, but he looked fairly young and strong, vibrant. He's only 54 but looks more 74, frail and drawn. He always did hate when people would assume that he's our kids' grandpa. I would always say "people can be so ignorant." But I'm ashamed to say that lately, I find it almost "comforting" to think that others think he's my dad, not my husband. I know that sounds horrible, but with young kids especially, I hate for people to wonder how can that "old man" have young kids. It sounds shallow, but it just makes things seem more "normal, less of a "freakshow" (I know that's not the right word, but all I could think of.) I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I can't help it.
The discussions about apparent age reminds me of an incident that took place on our trip to China a few years ago. My wife has had gray hair for many years, while my hair is still mostly brown (she is 78 and I am 77). We were at a Chinese tea ceremony. When it was over, the woman leading it came to me and said "I'm so glad you brought your mother with you". Fortunately my wife had a good laugh over this and did not feel insulted. She commented that Chinese people seem to turn gray only at a very advanced age.
DH will still make his own entree choice, but we generally talk it out ahead of time. He almost always wants salmon and I help him find it on the menu. When the waiter asks for sides and dressings -- bluecheeseranchthousandisland!!! I'll make a comment about betting he's going to pick ranch and rice and DH shakes his head in agreement. Otherwise, it would take forever for him to comprehend. A new thing for us though that just happened last week. Most of his salmon was gone and he started using his fingers to scoop up the rice from his dish. That was a bit of panic for me. One of my weekly highlights is going out to dinner with my parents and sister. I know it's not gigantic, but I'm out and not having to do the cooking, cleaning, etc. AND there are people with whom to talk...
I have never had a problem with paying the bill. I don't care what the Waiter thinks. I until the last year I ordered for both of us because he has trouble expressing himself to the waiter, also choosing his meal. Now we don't eat out because he is having some problems with the eating. Dropping food on his front or the floor and he is embarassed. Take out is easier. lmohr
Mostly I help him choose. I pick something I think he would like and suggest it to him. Today, that didn't work, so I gave him the single page of specials and he read down the list until he found something he liked. That menu is one of the reasons I like that particular diner. And I know that particular diner will be a good place to go when it starts getting harder to go out. It really is a neighborhood place.
When we lived in Indiana, we ate breakfast at a small family owned restaurant that had a lot of regulars. One couple, where the wife had AD, came in every morning. The waitress reserved a table for them so they could always sit in the same place. The wife no longer spoke or fed herself. They were well known and greeted by other regulars.
He ordered a pancake and oj for her and fed it to her while he ate his own breakfast. There was another regular couple where the wife had some problems with movement, and the server always brought out an apron for her to use as a bib.
I don't recall any fuss or notice given to them by other patrons. They were greeted by all the staff and assistance was quietly provided as needed.
Liz, if it were me, I wouldn't worry about table manners until your husband has really serious trouble eating. See if you can be seated in a relatively private location, do what you can to help him eat, but if you and he like eating out, do it as long as you can.
My husband started eating his green and yellow beans with his fingers, as if they were french fries. Nobody paid the least bit of attention. He did that for several weeks, then went back to using his fork.
Sunshyne, thanks. I know one occasion of eating with fingers isn't the end of eating out. It's just another step. And, as soon as I saw it, I mentioned it gently and he self corrected. The days go on and every once in awhile I see something new. Eventually, it actually becomes something, but I understand we aren't there yet. It's all such a mystery that this man who was the most intelligent man I had ever known, who was so competent in so many areas is a shadow of his former self. I miss him.
Sunshyne, I think you are correct regarding the servers. There is a family resturant we go to, my husband likes their breaded tenderloin since they are so large he likes me to cut the sandwich in half. The last time had that sandwich the server had already cut in half. Such a sweet little girl! She told me in private that she had noticed a change in my husband over the last couple years, but didn't know why. During the summer we eat out most nights. I figure that is my treat to myself, somedays that is the only complete sentences I hear.
We eat out a lot too, but in the car or take home now. So many of our dreams have vanished at least that is pleasurable for us and we don't have to cook. lmohr
It is funny to me to read through this. Just last week I took in the form for getting the Handicapped plates. My thought was that my DH would soon feel better and we would not have that far to get to the door of some restaurant. Now we are to the place where all he has is his two liquid meds and death is at our doorstep. Life is so SHORT - enjoy whatever you have left!
frand, That just breaks my heart, life is so short. My friend's father with AD was in a restaurant ordering coffee with cream one day & the next in the hospital with a broken hip, he came through the surgery okay, however, died a short time later.
I can't remember the last time we ate out and we always enjoyed it. But now my husband is using his fingers mostly and is very messy. Then too it takes over an hour for him to eat a meal. Now it is pick up and take home so he can watch Lucy and enjoy himself.