I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. It is not one I was proud to write, but in the interest of honesty, I wrote it. What are your thoughts? Do you feel as I described in the blog or have you been able to rise above it?
Oh Joan, thank you for writing this blog. I can totally relate, but it hasn't come up as a topic before, and I didn't want anyone to think I was selfish. DH's sister and bil are in Tuscany right now taking cooking classes. This is something DH and I planned to do before this hidious disease. It's not just the big stuff, though, it's the little things like you said. I wish I was a big enough person to rise above it, but I'm not. This disease is so UNFAIR! Thank you for your honesty, and for giving me an outlet to talk about something I thought I was experiencing alone.
You are not alone, Diane...and neither is Joan. Envy is a perfectly normal feeling for all of us AD spouses, in my book...how can we help ourselves? I guess the trick is not to let the feeling overtake amd destroy us. But it is so difficult to watch other couples and not want what they have...maybe just for a weekend? Wouldn't that be nice....to go back pre-AD, just for a visit... Nah....probably not a good idea.
Our spouses did absolutely nothing to bring on this disease. They were just inflicted with it. Certainly I will feel envy. I am just human. If my mother were alive today, she would tell me "it will build up your character." Apparently my character was sinking to a new low before AD presented itself.
not only Envy but i can see several more of the 'original sins' that can be associated with AD. not so much in the negative sense but how it relates to us on this site. Wrath? anger, yep probably includes us all sloth, lazy actions, yep we just get tired and wornout greed? want of everything whether we can have or not? after losing it all how can we not become a bit greedy? pride-? overexcited and happy for yourself? well i guess because if anything these days causes happiness then yes we get excited. gluttony? most of us overeat and have some excess due to depression. or the reverse and cant eat and lose. lust? well all of us have lost or will lose the intimacy that was part of being married. the bonds that bind the marriage are gone. so yes i guess we lust for what was. and joan has covered envy pretty well. and yes how can we not become envious of the normalcy that we used to have.
Thank you Joan for speaking what I am thinking DAILY!! I want that freedom back too. But guess it does not matter what we want we are all stuck in this Alz. hell.And not a darn thing we can do about it. I for one spend most of my time being Mad as HELL at someone-but WHO. At the end of the day I am usually just mad at ME for not handleing things as I should..
I envy everyone's freedom. If I leave a room, DH follows. We go nowhere for fun. I take him with me to the grocery store, to have the car serviced, everywhere I go. I started and exercise class twice a week for less than an hour each time. Then I found out that he was out walking in the neighborhood, alone. I can't leave him alone, he may get lost. He really wants me with him all the time. He is only comfortable in familiar places. We went to a different church yesterday, one he had been to many times. He was totally undone.
I have feelings of Envy also, in many ways I feel like I am single again and getting jealous over the couples that I see. Holding hands and walking down the street, or huging each other while they sing or pray in church and wishing that I had that. It blows my mind that after being married for as long as I have that I would actually have those feelings, it just doesn't seem normal but we have another "normal" than anybody else. Does that make it any easier to handle...NO! It is not going to get any better any time soon and I think that the cruel emotions that we have are doomed to stay with us until this is all over.
Even thought My Dh is in a care home I visit regularly and do have more free time than when I had him at home , Yes Joan ,I do envy seeing others enjoying the togetherness with their partners which hasnt been for many years with us .Simple pleasures like long walks with our dog ,a meal out now and then , watching a movie together ,all gone now.So many times I have wanted all this to be over too and feel really bad about thinking that way .(((hugs everyone )))
I guess I am lucky in this, I haven't experienced envy. I see other couples happy and it doesn't bother me at all, I am truly happy for them. I have been loved completely and unconditionally, I have no need for envy. I don't want what they have. All I want is the impossible.... "My Lynn" back.
Nikki--thanks for your post. I feel the same way. We were blessed with an extraordinary relationship that I think, few really have. I am grateful that we were fortunate enough to have that for so many years--yes, it could have lasted longer; but many people never experience it at all.
My DH and I had a wonderful relationship...when we first started dating, we became best friends, and remained that way until the devil of AD changed our lives and our relationship. It did not take away the love we continue to have, but I miss my best friend....the one I shared everything with...I miss those days terribly, and I looked forward to growing old WITH him. And yes I DO envy others who have this now as their marriages continue and they are still able to do the things that I had hoped we would do together as we grew older. I am grateful for what we had, but that doesn't stop me from wanting more...wanting it to last longer.
Nikki, MarilynonMD, Bella you share my thoughts and feelings. But Shirley's right our Spouse's didn't ask or do anything to get this disease. But Joan's right that at some point being human and exhausted and seeing others who don't realize there lives are gifts, the relationships they have are gifts is painful to watch sometimes. And this disease like none other hurts beyond belief to the spouse. Not to say other horrific disease's aren't awful. But this disease is without "outside (i.e. government, sometimes family) support" and takes decades to progress. If Envy means anger, frustration, pain and sorrow for what you see others have and don't appreciate.........we want it and would take it back in a second ...... we will NEVER have this again, we will never have our old lives. We have what no one wants. Tag we are it !!!
I agree with Bella. My wife and I had such a great marriage that I would comment that we would have to pay for it sometime. I didn't count on AD as the payback. Now all I have is the memories of the great times we had in over 57 years of marriage.
You know, it isn't that we don't want the others to enjoy trips, walks in the park, nice dinners, the theatre, etc etc etc..but it is just too damn hard to hear about it when they come home full of excitement and want to tell us all about the trip to the beach, or going to the museum etc when we had plans once upon a time..even had reservations for a trip to Italy and had to canc it due to bypass surgery and now can never take the trip...at least not together... On some other thread I mentioned this..how annoyed I am at kids who take all these trips, go to all these places, have all these concerts etc and don't have time to call home...to talk to their dad..or talk to him too infrequently.
One time, after someone filled me in on all the excitement from their trip, after I listened with patience and a nod here and there but without much comment, I wa asked "And what have you been up to ?"And I told them...Oh let's see, we had 3 doctor visits last week, we have 2 this week, I have been able to travel to two different pharmacies for meds refills, oh and I got to hit 3 grocery stores for the sales last week....and the guy came to wash the windows for me and the guys came to cut the grass..but I still need to do........"That made them stop to think a bit.
As always, Joan is right on target about the many feelings that this disease unearths in us. I just went through a period of envy this summer, seeing many of my friends traveling and enjoying a more relaxed lifestyle with their spouses now that some of us are already retired. This time in my life reminds me of my single days, when all of my friends were married and having kids and I was still hoping to meet the right person.
I'm happy that my husband and I were able to travel frequently, especially to Europe to visit his family. He worked very hard and definitely deserved that time. I try not to focus too much on what I don't have, but it's hard. I'm glad that my husband is in a fairly decent mood most of the time and except for his resistance to medical treatment, he's fairly agreeable. Yesterday he didn't seem to remember what scrambled eggs are -- that made me sad -- but he still gets up every day on his own, bathes, dresses and feeds himself independently and decides which DVD's he'll watch over and over. I'm just happy for the quiet time right now.
Like your husband, my dh manages to do things for himself and for that I am so thankful. The severe memory loss is so sad to see. In fact, I am always finding out more and more which has been forgotten. I never really know unless the situation presents itself. DH's nephew passed away this week and he had no recollection of him although he told me things about the father (dh's brother) which seem to have stayed in his memory bank. DH has a sister dying of AD and a 92 yr. old sister who is okay mentally but physically handicapped. I am taking dh to funeral home for the nephew and the 92 yr. old sister will be there and I think it is so important that he sees her. Everyone's health is so fragile right now. No one from dh's family has seen dh in 3 or more years so I know they will see a big change in him.
There is a lot to be said for the quiet time we are experiencing right now.
I didn't get envy. I got sloth. My poor mother delivered me at 9 lbs. because I saw no real reason to come out. My sister got envy. She is a walking monologue about how short changed everything is; but, I'm not really listening.
I'm not convinced we get that much choice. I think some of this is the wiring in the machine. We just are certain ways by nature and it isn't good or bad. When I tell people I've never felt avarice I don't say it as a virtue anymore than I think of my inertia as a fault. Some houses have copper piping and some have vinyl. I would take credit or ownership if I thought I'd earned anything here; but, I'm convinced that's not how basic nature of the person works.
My take is that this is a crazy planet. We go flinging through our lives which last about 5 minutes with our faces pressed against the windshield just beginning to get good at things when we don't do those things any more. We don't say what we mean. We don't mean what we say. We don't mean to mis-represent but we just can't tell. Which is why we change our mind about some things.
My best friend is suicidal and goes through phyciatrists the way some go through a menu. He's bright, a good person, and largely sensible - but that's not what he sees. He hates himself that he over reached in business and was left with the bill. He can neither stand that this has happened or that he caused it both of which eat away at him. The real reason is that he has 500 amp wiring and always has had. I have 60 amp wiring. I can run the computer with it, but I get over things. I lost a fortune through stupidity. My wife shrugged day one and I needed real time to accept it. That's why my AD experience isn't as intensely full of drama overall. Even though I went out with suicide a few times - it wasn't a close relationship. And even though I have depression, it's not likely to hang around that long. Neither negative nor positive can get that much charge out of me. And by her nature my wife is as likely to become aggressive as my cat is to do standup comedy. She might but only if AD is busy in the behavioural areas of the brain. My wife was a certain way by experience which let her attain a position in business - she is deeply a calm person though and my suspicion is that generally basic nature as opposed to learned behaviour hangs on the most.
I believe that these feelings are more part of the first half of AD and I need to be clear that I've had them all. I have an appointment at 2 this afternoon where I will be sticking pins into my former friends (again). Don't look to me to cast the first stone. The reason why is clearly because nearer the beginning we are normal and react to this powerful grinder up of our lives normally. I now understand I am lucky that my wife can still find the toilet and that is true. Previously I would have been horrified but that's before horrified became such a daily repetoire that it's lost much of it's power, and even more because I have shifted reluctantly throughout and now may as well be living on a different planet.
The point ultimately is that our spouses will go through this in their own way and so will we. What becomes of us is going to revolve to some degree around our basic nature and while transformations happen, it's more likely this is something that gets chipped away at over time.
Whether we are conciously aware or care to admit, we see ourselves in a certain way. That may or may not be that close to the way we are. My sister is an example here. She sees herself as helping and giving; but, most people would use the word 'controlling'.
Not everyone is being polite when they deflect praise. They may not be able to conceive that inside themselves. And while a good mind spends part of it's time reflecting on different viewpoints, it would never be certain in any of them because it would know that part of ourselves is hidden from ourselves in the sense that it is below the concious level and no person ever sees all 52 cards. Part is always guesswork for which we invent many explanations.
We can't stop envy or any of the other experiences this disease forces us through. What would be good is if we could learn more about ourselves and find points of empowerment from that. We're going to need it both during and especially 'afterwards'. That's where I and my good friend who has walked this journey with me disagree. He thinks I won't get out of bed 'afterwards', and I think I'm going to be fabulous. One of us is wrong.
For the past two years, I had become quite envious of couples who were together doing things. For some reason, I seemed to also get annoyed at how they took each other for granted. In the past, I would never approach a stranger and make any comments, but now, I am finding that I approach many and have to let them know how precious they are to each other. I now beg them to hold hands, kiss in public, and demonstrate their love for one another. I also tell the ""MAN"" to open doors, gently guide his spouse, or help her sit, and to show that she is the most precious thing in the world. I just love to see an older couple just strolling and holding hands. It is a privilege that I lost early on, and wished so much to have again. If I hear a couple arguing about some trivial matter, I gently remind them that life and love is so precious and fleeting, and I remind them that if they can remember that love, then the very thing they argue about becomes so trivial and is quickly forgotten. I guess I am just a romantic old fool who misses and wishes for the past, and who misses the opportunities that were missed.
Thanks, Frank and Bluedaze, for affirming that I am not crazy. I often cannot help approaching couples and telling them to cherish their time together for it is so painful when it is gone. Tell my couples friends often and also strangers. While I did cherish our good times and we often spoke of how blessed we were to have found each other the second time around, it went too quickly and sometimes I do feel envy when I see silver haired couples enjoying their relationship. Now I try to cherish the different relationship we have.