It's all in the "how". Let her try and then befrefrustration sets in, offer---"Want some help?" Don't---"Here. Let me..." That's taking over and underlines her inability. An upset already.
A caregiver will let them do the simple tasks and only help in a minimal capacity...a caretaker will just jump in and do it himself.. It's much better to be a caregiver, but it hurts a lot more...
I really get frustrated watching her, usually she will make a mess trying to eat. I do not go out to eat any more because of the mess or the gawker if I cut up her food for her.
You could ask the waitress to have her meal cut up in the kitchen. Would that aggravate her. At some point you will have to forget about gawkers. They will always be there, not having a clue as to what you go through.
Agreed, Shirley. Moorsb, keep going out as long as DW can physically go. There will come a time when she cannot. To heck with what others think. A wise, dear friend just the other day said on her journey she learned not to worry what others thought. Good advice and I highly recommend it. Most will look at you with curiosity and then great respect as they see the loving way you care for your DW. And those who don't get it, well to heck with them! What we do as caregivers is too important to try to make it "look nice" for outsiders. As long as it feels nice for us and our spice, that is what counts. Now, make plans to go out tomorrow! Big hugs. And, you can just leave a tad larger tip for the waitperson who has to clean up the extra mess and thank him/her for their gracious understanding.
I agree with Weejun, Vickie and Phranque* ... the time comes when we, as caregivers, learn to stop caring what other people think about what we do. Frankly, we also learn to use some mental duct tape on our own critical voice. Time is so short even though it feels like forever. Soon enough, the time to spend with your LO will be gone. The more you can do today to enjoy each day, savor the good moments, the less you will have regrets. After all, who really cares who cuts up the meal?
Keep the choices easy and simple, though. Fried chicken instead of spaghetti ... food that comes in bite sized pieces. Also, make clothing choices easier ... pull-over shirt instead of button up and compliment compliment compliment in the "new" outfit (it makes the transition easier).
And get out the Reggae song, "Don't worry, be happy" and play it over and over until it sinks way down to your toes. (((HUGS)))
Moorsb...Never ever worry about the mess or the gawkers..I would take my dw out to restaurants, and often times, I would be on my knees at the table feeding her...yes I did get an audience, and I would return their gaze, and sometimes I would go over to the table and apologize....I would say something like "My wife has early onset alz.....what disease do you have??? and I am so sorry that you are trying to learn to do what I am doing...anything to let them know that it is ok to make a mess and ok to do what you need to do....My wife would often use her hands to eat....I would cut up the food if she let me....at times, I held the knife in her hand and "let" her do it...Spaghetti was my favorite..try to eat that with your hands and see what you look like. Amazingly, restaurants are ill prepared to have this happen....I always had to beg for a wet face cloth, extra napkins, etc...Most people just do not get it... But do not ruin your enjoyment and the memories because of other's stupidity....
Thanks, Marsh! I'm glad to see you back with us! I hope your surgery went well and you are able to walk without pain...
Moorsb, I took my husband to three good restaurants that we frequented prior to AD until he couldn't get into the booths any more. We always had a booth towards the quiet part of the restaurants, and the waiters and waitresses always were extra helpful to us as they watched my husband get worse. I sat beside him (kept him from getting up before I was through at first - then it made it easier to cut up his food, then even later to feed him!) in the booth. I ordered what I knew he loved at each place, and so he would hold the menu while I ordered and would nod. Then, when the food came, I took his plate and cut up his food and put a bite on the fork and placed his plate in front of him. Then I took my own plate. Sometimes the waitress would stand beside me while I did it and sometimes not. Sort of a shield. It was nice of them who did it, and didn't bother me when they didn't - if they were too busy.
Then, when he could no longer feed himself, I would give him a bite, put his fork down and pick up my own and take a bite off my plate. Then give him a bite, then me a bite. Sometimes a couple who are close to us (and that it didn't bother) would go with us. That way I had someone to talk to while we ate.
It never embarrassed me at all to have to feed him. He couldn't help it. Some people now will come up to you and say "my aunt, mother, uncle, grandparent has/had Alzheimer's. You are doing a good job."
Our spice still like to go out, just like a child. Whether it is for an ice cream cone, or a drive, or a meal out. Think of them as a two or three year old not wanting to stay at home....
Try to make the most of every day you have with them. It seems like it is taking forever, but really, once they are gone, it seems like such a brief period of time.
Remember above all that it is the Alzheimer's actions and words, not our spice......
Hugs to all, Mary*
p.s. order finger foods or steak or chicken, and stay away from mashed potatoes and soups! <grin>
We are still going out to restaurants, even though I have to help my DH with his meal...it doesn't bother him that I cut up his food, and sometimes have to put the food on his fork, then hand it to him. And I have gotten way past caring what others may think or if they want to watch the whole procedure....Sometimes, if I notice someone watching, I also notice an understanding smile on the face of that person. And my DH really enjoys getting together with friends and family and going out to eat, or when it's just the two of us. Actually, I still enjoy an occassion to get out of having to cook and plan a meal. Finger foods are good, so are foods in small pieces. So be proud of yourself, Moorsb, that you care enough to make your wife happy, taking her out to dinner; and she just happens to need some help with her meal.
We live in a relatively small town so a lot of people know that DH has Alz. He loves to eat out and like many of you I don't care about those that don't know him. I order his favorite foods and help him prepare his plate and salad. If the dressing is on the side I pour it on and cut up the lettuce and tomatoes. When his meal comes I will cut it if he can't cut it with a spoon or a fork. He usually eats with a spoon in one hand and a fork in the other. He's not messy with his food but when he is full he will begin to play with his food and pile it up and make mountains out of it. Sometimes he needs reminded that he has to put the food in his mouth. I'm sure some people think I am a domineering witch but I could care less.
going out for a meal is disasterous, but I keep going anyway. I don't care much that people stare, it gives DH such pleasure to go out to eat. I try and do simple things like remove the saucer from under his coffee cup, but as far as the mess goes, I leave a generous tip, people are paid to clean it up. I sometimes get a weird look from the wait-staff when I order for him, he's the man afterall, but again....who cares? As my Neuro told me early on..."It's your job now to keep him safe and happy". So I do.........
We went to the same restaurant all the time. The staff knew our situation and handled it beautifully. Our fav waitress would give DH a big and hug and say with enthusiasm-"I know just what you would like tonight" thus eliminated need for him to decide. We sat in a booth and it worked for quite a while. I think as dementia becomes more the "norm" folks will become more understanding.
Just another thought on this, and note that I am not in disagreement with the wise folks who have advised a measured approach to helping.
But, there is this:
When our children are growing and struggling with new tasks, we let them take on challenges that are a little above them. We let them take risks (to a controlled extent,) and we try not to jump in. Because in facing these challenges they are expanding, learning, growing.
But our AD spouses are not. They are shrinking and forgetting. So a challenge that would be in the best interest of one who is growing is not necessarily a kindness to one who is fading.
Still, even though we are not helping them grow and learn, we do have the task of preserving dignity as much as possible. So I think we have to be careful about frustration threshold, since a minor meltdown in a kid may be part of the process, but it's to be avoided with our AD people.
Emily, I agree. My hb is not a patient man and has a low frustration threshold. He no longer cares to go out to eat for that reason. Too many decisions, too much noise and distraction. He is most content eating in his chair with a tv tray. I have decided to take the path of least resistance and this is what it is at this time. Much more harmony here when I go with the flow. He has been on namenda for about 6 wks. now and this has seemed to bring a calmer disposition, but I feel as though we are teetering on the edge of a cliff, a sneeze away from a free-fall down. Who knows............
I also agree, Emily. In all things I'm *trying* to remember I'm not trying to teach my hb and help him grow up to be a successful man. I'm trying to make this stage as pleasant for him as I can--and I'm not always successful.
My jumping in and helping DH too soon is what causes the frustration. Also, if I wait too long to assist, this also causes frustration. DH will tell me that I must think he is a baby, if I help too soon. He will also tell me that I must enjoy watching him struggle, if I wait too long.
It also depends on the issue or project at hand. If it is related to numbers, directions (north south east west) or making decisions (what to drink with dinner, milk or tea) then I need to jump right in when I see him struggle. If it is related to completing a project (vehicle mechanical work or working in the garden) then I need to wait longer to jump in. DH really gets angry if I reach or use words to help, if he is not ready for the help.
Emily- You are exactly correct. Taking care of an alz patient is exactly like raising a child, except you do it in reverse......Like you said, you let a child take on new challenges that are a bit above them. With an alz patient, you decrease the challenges that are a bit above them. Exactly the same principle except in the opposite direction. For a child, teaching involves showing them, letting them try, correcting their mistakes, and finally letting them to it on their own. For an alz patient, you let them do it on their own, you discover their mistakes, you assist them in trying, then finally do it all for them. Eventually, you will be doing everything for them, but ideally, you allow them the liberty of leading their lives as much as they can possibly do.
When we go out, I order. Hb will forget what he wants by the time the waitress comes back. Even when we go into fast food he forgets what he wants. Fortunately, it is usually the same things at fast food.