I'm sure most on this board have other ongoing "dramas" apart from the Alz. person we try to be caregivers for. I've been in the midst of one in my immediate family for almost 3 months. I am so stressed most of the time I feel nausea coming on. I've tried deep breaths, prayer, exercise, etc. (Prayer being the most helpful). What bothers me is the short temper I have with FD. In our marriage of almost 60 years we always discussed problems and agreed on our action. Now of course he really doesn't understand how serious this "drama" is to the person involved as well as to us. I miss his sound judgment and I feel mostly like a bobbing cork in a very large ocean. This problem involves a good sum of money and I'm worried all the time that I'm not handling it as well as I could. FD was the money manager and a good one or we wouldn't have the resources to live as comfortably as we do now. I'm trying very hard to do what I think needs to be done but I just need him so much. I know this is only the beginning for us and I have to get better able to "go it alone" what choice do I have? I have a friend who always jokes that she has to die first because she doesn't know the first thing about their money. I've warned her that that may not be the case and she'd better get some knowledge because it could happen very quickly. This came on slowly but became very obvious about 15 months ago as the result of another stroke that really took him away and left someone who is not very aware of much except what he is thinking of or wants. Well just needed to get this out of my system. Now maybe I can think of something else. or not.
flo-I'm another one who hoped to die first. My DH wanted to handle everything and I was happy to let him. As the need arose I learned what I had to do with the help of many others. I learned to ask for the help-or no one would have known my needs. It is frightening to ask for help. It is also very enabling. Most people really do want to help-but don't know how-or what you need.
I too always prayed to die first-now my prayer is just let me live long enough t take care of DH until the end,then please take me quickly!! But as we no we do not usually get what we wish for.
My dh had the foresight from when we were first married to make me knowledgeable about our finances. There were many times I didn't want to be bothered because I had enough going with house and raising 5 children. Thank goodness I listened to him. Now my dh has no judgement concerning money and I have to handle everything. A few years ago we had the necessary papers drawn up so I don't have that to worry about. Like you, I worry about my decisions and it seems so strange not to have my dh to help. Sort of makes us feel so alone, doesn't it.
I have always been aware of the money and where it goes and what I do with it but the further along this goes the more involved the issues are and sometimes I get into a pickle and hope that I don't make a mistake because like everyone else I don't have any help making decisions any more.
My dh (well, not so dear right now - he's being a sh!t tonight) always handled all the money and financial decisions and did very well at it. I didn't know where the money came from, how he invested it, etc. just that everything got paid and all was well. When I saw this juggernaut coming on I decided we had to get new legal papers done up and in that process it became painfully obvious that, not only could he NOT do that job anymore, he didn't even want to and couldn't remember much of it. Well, all that to say that it's taken me a little over a year to corral everything and through my pastor and another very successful man in my AD support group at church, I was led to a Financial Planner in our town. This man is simplifying all of our accounts, consolidating them, has plans to care for dh as his AD progresses and how to care for me when this is all over. He has taken a HUGE amount of stress from my shoulders. Yes, I do have to pay him a fee to manage our money, but, I couldn't do it alone and now I have a partner again who helps me make decisions and manage our funds. These professionals (if you get a good one) know how to do these things and they know sooooo much more about the financial world than we do. Life with an AD spouse is stressful enough without having to worry if you're handling the family resources well enough to last.
WE just had enough to be comfortable. Then I inherited some funds from my parents and an aunt and uncle which I kept in the bank and to this day have not touched. It has grown some and I have a financial advisor for the portfolio I inherited from my folks...but the market goes up and down these days so it can be Mr Toad's Wild Ride trying not to panic and hope we have enough to see us through this and make house repairs etc as we go along. Yes pay attention to bills, pay them as soon as they come in, you know the household things and don't go after things you don't really need.
Flo, I would say as problems go you have a good problem. How would it be if you did not have the money? I would follow the advice given. If you are not comfortable dealing with the stress then find someone who you can trust and is reccomended and charges a fee. You need to be conservative and you need to make sure your money is FDIC insured, If it is a large sum then you may need to put it in several banks to make sure it is all insured. The key is finding someone who is certified financial planner and is trusted. You need to ask him or her for references before you give over your funds. If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is not true. At this point in time I would reccomend safety over return. You might just put it in Bank CD's at this time an know that it is FDIC inusured. When the economy gets better in a couple of year then look for a financial planner.
I understand what you are talking about. There is a financial problem within your immediate family and it will require a substantial amount of money from you to be resolved. You are faced with making this decision on your own whereby in the past your hubby handled the decision-making in this respect. Whenever something like this comes up for me, I try and decide based on what we have and what my husband would have done if he were capable. Maybe a talk with your tax man (if you have one) is in order. He would be more objective than a family member. Maybe there are no tax implications regarding your decision but he may be able to help you anyway.
flo--my hb was a CPA and obviously, handled our money. However, over the years of our marriage, I did manage to absorb some of his financial knowledge just by osmosis, I think. When I am faced with a financial decision, I do what Shirley suggested and think about what he (as well as my Dad) would have done. Even if this is a new situation or decision, knowing their risk tolerance level and just their basic approach is very helpful to me. One thing I have found (for sure) is not to make financial decisions based on emotions or in haste. Take time to mull over all the possibilities, and sometimes it is best to just do nothing if you are uncertain. If it involves investing, you should interview several certified financial planners and as well as getting references, check online to see if they have any lawsuits against them (can't remember the website--maybe it's the SEC--it is a gov't entity). I agree that people in our position, dealing with a spouse who has an illness requring expensive (usually out of pocket) care, need to take a conservative approach with money.
Thanks to all for your interest good advise. I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel and as I've heard it said I just hope it isn't a train! We do have a revocable trust and in that we have each other's power of attorney. I expect I'd need a diagnosis and have him declared incapable of transacting business before I could do anything with his investments. When he does call about finances now I sit right by and listen to be sure he gives the correct amount. He and numbers are not friends any longer and he may say the wrong amount. Again thanks for your interest.