As many of you know, i have been on this site for 2 weeks, with my husband in denial and refusing to go for a dx at this point. My question now is if he does go for dx and is diagnosed with vascular dementia, which his destructive behavior, medical history and family history points to----how would that affect my needs....... physical, emotional and financial, to file for a divorce AFTER dx? With the physical violence he has exhibited already,I do intend to consult with an elder attorney, but I was hoping some of you dear people can give me some feedback ahead of time. it just might be a necessity for me sooner than l could have dreamed. Does anyone know if that dx would negatively affect me in such an instance in seeking divorce. And if so, how? My 2 sons have brought this issue to my attention and it is another horrible decision that I need to evaluate. Again, thank you all for your wise and kind advice with this important issue. Hugs to All, Gina
Gina, some states will NOT allow you to divorce an incompetent spouse so you would be well served to find a knowledgeable divorce attorney now and discuss your options with him/her. If there is evidence that you husband may not fully understand the proceedings the court will appoint an attorney to represent your husband. You should consult with the family law atorney before the dx. Good luck.
Yes, indeed consult a family law attorney first. Sorry your life's in such turmoil. Hope it smooths out soon. I think most of us here ride the waves up and down and sometimes sidewise.
i would think you have but a few choices. divorce him now without insisting on a diagnosis to avoid any legal complications and make a clean cut and try to regain your life ---, or continue to try to get him to a dr for diagnosis and plan to stay and care for him. once hes diagnosed and depending on how he is assessed, your options may decrease. like LFL stated, if hes impaired enough to cause concerns, the courts could appoint a personal representative to oversee his future needs during a divorce. if you are in a community property state, its pretty cut and dry usually its 50/50 split on just about everything. if you arent in community property , then a judge would rule division of property accordingly. if its know he has a terminal illness like alzheimers, his needs will greatly increase in the future. it sounds as though you are already pretty decisive as to cutting your loses sooner than later with his jekyl/hyde miseries. you must make some important decision making very quickly either one way or another i think time isnt on your side. i dont think you have 2 yrs of buying time for the imsurance coverage issues. even without a diagnosis he will eventually become impaired enough that someone will notice. its very hard to make these calls as it weighs on our minds/hearts whether we can comtemplate staying with the spouse and caring for them for MANY years. this illness can last decades. and it only gets worse as times go by. if you look into your heart and cant make that committment to him and yourself, you should start the ball rolling and get your ducks in a row, and by all means consult an attorney and get some vital imformation now to help you make your decisions. its not an easy decision either way. good luck whatever you decide. divvi
Gina: I can't remember who the person is but someone will come along and tell you. Anyway, this person divorced her husband and then when she found out he was ill she re-married him. Most of her posts indicate that she feels like she made a terrible mistake by going in this direction. She wish she had never re-married him.
I don't know, but her husband might have been in the position your dh is in now and that is why she divorced him in the first place. Hope you can find her name and can read what she has written. Hope this can help you in your quest.
Am only guessing based on your "name" here that you are in Arizona, which is a community property state. Agree with the others. See an elder law atty ASAP before diagnosis and tell the atty everything.
I think her name is lee012 or something close to that. If I remember correctly, she also has children in the home and that may make her situation very different, but worth checking out.
gina - if you do divorce there may be the option of requiring him to provide medical insurance for you as long as he is working. That is not uncommon in divorce where one has been married so long. But, the only one that can explain it all to you is a good lawyer.
Keep him at his trailer while you do the leg work to find your options and also search within your heart to see what you want to do. Education is the key to make a rational decision and getting to a divorce and elder lawyer are your first steps.
To All Your Wonderful People, I am so appreciative of the expressions of compassion you have all shown to me, not to mention the wise advice. To respond to Charlotte, he is retired and no longer employed and we found out that even if I go for a legal separation, his company will drop me from the medical insurance. And yes, Weejun, we reside in Arizona. To respond to Divi, He has already thrown me onto a marble floor, and thanx to my quick instincts, as I fell on my back, I was quick enough to turn my head and upper body to prevent my head slamming backward on the marble.. By the way, he doesn't recall that at all. This past December he flung me so violently, I slammed onto our kitchen tile floor and was knocked out. In 42 years of marriage, this is totally new violence of a level I would have never anticipated. There's more I could relate, by why bother. So I guess, Divi, you are correct in your assessment that I am quite decisive of what I now need to do. The bottom line is if he has turned into such an awful monster, what dam difference does it make what the cause is???? He loves me like always when the mood suits him, but not knowing when the hate kicks in, is more than I'm willing to gamble on. Furthermore, after all the hurtful treatment, emotionally and physical, his new demand is that I take him back, re-instating all his "husbandly perks". HAH! I'd be the one with dementia to agree to such a demeaning demand and told him so.
I started researching elder attorneys in my area and will make some calls this week. In the interim, I will keep peace with him from afar. Let him stay in his single wide and I will stay in my beautiful home on a fresh water lake. And don't think for one minute, he DOESN'T resent me BIG TIME FOR THAT. As long as I can keep peace from afar, that is my immediate Plan A.......until I get some good legal advice. Please look for my posts....I will always refer to myself as THE NEWBIE. There is not doubt in my mind, I will desperately need you guys along this nightmare of a road. Love to all of you, Gina
gina, try www.naela.org or cela.org to find a certified elderlaw atty, but I think if you're considering divorce you need a competent family law atty who has experience with situations such as yours. I believe in an answer to one of your previous posts Phranque made the observation that ones actions decisions all depend on love. When I found out about dh's illness I asked myself despite his violent behavior did I love him enough to stay with him on this journey. When we married I was in my early 30's , financially and emotionally independent and married him out of choice after "kissing my share of frogs". I chose him to marry and I chose to stay with him for the duration of his illness in spite of his unacceptable, violent behavior. I have alot to lose by this decision but when I search my soul, it is the right choice for me. I cannot forgive the volence I suffered at his hands, but I do know it was the dementia devil, not him. Thanks to meds his behaviors are now manageable and make our life together beter. If I didn't love him and understand the sacrifice and commitmet it means to stay with him throughout this illness, I would have cut my losses long ago and divorced him. Only you can decide what is the best course for you. I know these are difficult and confusing times for you but it will help to consult an elderlaw atty and a divorce atty to help you decide which choice is better for you. I believe you've already discovered that your marriage will never be what it was but you can chose what it will or will not be in the future.
Boy, did we all sign up for this kind of treatment? You never know what kind of man you will have today; and if you dare say something that displeases them, the Devil comes a knockin and your sweet hubby turns into a raging lunatic. Okay, I sense myself going on a roll as I am not too happy with my spouse tonight, so I will just stop now.
Gina, do something while you can - this job sucks and absolutely does not get better, ever!
Prayers and warm cyber hugs for you, gina, and all of you who go through such physical and emotional abuse. My prayer for myself and hb is we make it to the end without that bag of hurt.