To all my new, dearest friends and advisors, Well, I knew we would never make it to the first doctor's appointment he said I could make. If I was a betting person, I would have bet my home that he would push every button I have so that he could have a reason to renege on that appointment and leave. And I would have made a nice penny. In the last couple of days, there was nothing I could say or do that didn't bring on the evil eyes and face of Hyde. Everything was a debate, argument with him, and not pleasant at all. Afterwards, he would become more and more cold and distant. Thent oday he threatened to leave and go back to his mobile home community. Which I have to sheepishly admit, I welcomed that suggestion with glee after my misery during the last couple of days. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was so sick of his constant I Love You....when as someone wise on this site said....Yeah, the person he loves......to hate. Which is exactly what his actions this week showed loud and clear. I realized I must be crazy to keep dealing with this when he is, at this point, so high functioning. And as time progresses, how much worse it will get. It just seems to me I can only exist with him if I become a pathetic, snivelling Stepford Wife and sex slave to his every whim. I would rather live alone than be treated in such a humiliating and demeaning fashion.......not to mention walking on eggs all the time, hoping this time he doesn't once again even get physically violent. I don't care if he wasn't this way during our 42 year marriage, he's been like this during the last 4 years. .....and that's enough for me, my sanity, and wellbeing. My 2 sons agree with me wholeheartedly which only confirms justifies my position. So dear friends and confidants, that's the news that's fit to print for today. I know I must sound like a soap opera at this point and can only hope all you gals who will miss All My Children and One LIfe to LIve when they go off the air, this will find you some entertainment in Gina's Tales Of Woe. In Tears, Gina
You took the words right out of my mouth when you said you didn't care that he wasn't this way in the past, but the last four yrs. were enough for you. I find it hard to conceive that I could change my feelings for my hb, someone I adored, loved more than life itself and then because of his behavior, it all changed. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, I would probably be out of luck, don't think he would be so accommodating. Their is a whole other story behind the behavioral thing I won't get in to, but the moral of the story is, be careful who you cross, they may be the one who ends up taking care of you. You have my support as I can relate to what you're going through......take charge and do what's best for you for you to survive with some sanity in the end of this battle and their will be and end, you can count on that. Hugs to you :)
So sorry, Gina. Cyber hugs to you. I don't believe I could put up with those behaviors. In his before dementia life, hb was not the most pleasant hb and father. Kids say it's too bad, but it's easier to be around him now than then. If his previous behaviors had gotten worse, doubt he'd be with me now.
Gina, you did the best you could in trying to help your spouse. There is only so much you can do to make a person do something that he is so resistive to doing...AD or not. You need to take care of yourself, and do what's best for you and your sons. Please continue to post and tell us how you are doing.
Sorry it went so badly. There are financial advantages to divorce, even if you choose later on to take care of him. I have some money I inherited from my family, which I protected with a prenuptial agreement when I married. But I would still be required to spend that down to a standard level caring for my husband, before I could get Medicaid help with the cost of a nursing home (not covered by Medicare except for rehab when the person is measurably improving). It doesn't sound like your husband would be willing to sign a durable power of attorney so someone could take over his affairs when needed, but that is the document it would be most helpful to have in place.
Gina, You can only do what you can do. If you worry about him getting physical, then by all means you need to put some space between you. And if that means divorce, then that is what you have to do. NO ONE here will judge you for it. We all are going down the same road, but as you can see the trip is very different for each one of us. Keep yourself safe. And in time you may be able to help him more. But for now protect yourself, both physically and financially.
Also, I hope I am not over stepping my bounds, you say your husband is very sexually active now. I worry he could see someone else and then you and sadly you could pick something up unknowingly.
Remember he is not in his right mind, you can not reason with him. It is not your fault!
Oh, Gina, such turmoil. You need to vent, but to a third party, such as a psychologist. It is so hard not to argue, especially, when you are being attacked. Then you must keep telling yourself, it's the disease, it is not him, not you, but this terrible disease. Getting to the doctor is the only way to get the ball rolling on your spouse's treatment or care plan. It may happen in the ER. I had to call 911 when my dh was so "agitated." The word violent means something else when calling 911. I said he needed to go to the ER, he has dementia and needs the right medication. My dh was a pussycat when the police officer EMS arrived. My dh had a UTI, which we know can be common when person with AD has change in behaviors. So going to a urologist can be a way to get to a doctor for dementia diagnosis and care.
Thank you all for your kind, kind words and advice. I am literally shaking right now. He needed to come and get his cell phone this morning, which he forgot to take yesterday. Since I was a little calmer, I attempted to have a nice sitdown. Well, I should have known better when I saw Hyde in his eyes and on his face the minute he walked in the door. It was a total disaster, him ranting, raising his voice, blaming me for everything, and totally glossing over the hurtful behavior he keeps dishing out to me. It seems I have no alternative but to just let go. I still can't believe how my 42 year marriage has turned out. I am so frightened, feel so out of control in trying to fix it, and am even more petrified over what's to come as he progresses. I definitely intend to see an elder attorney. And Blue, I already have thought about getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The thought of such a possibility makes me want to vomit. But, Blue, you were so right in your assessment. Cricket - I also agree with your statement and seriously doubt he would take care of me if the situation was reversed. Bella - I agree with you that it's a waste of time to try to help someone who resists it. And I do promise to keep posting and keeping in touch with all you wonderful people. Hugs to All of You - Gina
Gina....Does your hb have a diagnosis, just haven't read a post where you mention it. Don't be afraid to call 911 if he threatens you, might lead to the help you need.
This is going to sound kind of far out...but, far out situations sometimes calls for far out solutions. I think I might try to to make him really angry...I am sure you know which buttons to push. I mean really angry and I would have my cell phone ready and call 911. This might be the only way you can get him the help you need. Also, you might want to look into a restraining order against him and then he can't come to your house and upset you.
No one here would ever stand in judgment of what you choose to do. Most of us have been in situations we found unpleasant at the very least and that we thought we couldn't handle for another day. Remember...you are the sane one here...get a plan in your head...and act on it. In action sometimes is a person's worse enemy. Action can be a real cure. Good Luck
Gina, before my DH started taking Seroquel he had anger & aggression. I called the non-emergency number of our police department & explained that my DH has AZ but that he wasn’t violent. I said that I knew that could change & I said that I wanted to know how they handle it if I would feel threatened & I would call 911 for help. The lady I spoke to was very nice & she said that normally they would respond to the call & then take him to the hospital for a medicine adjustment. She also said that I didn’t have to wait until he gets violent. I could go to the circuit court & petition the court to have him hospitalized for the medicine adjustment. Once it was approved a patrol car would come & pick him up & transport him to the hospital. My advice to you is to call your local police department to see how they handle it. Good luck!
Gina. When I went through this stage (about 6 years, I was in the same position as you are, but I was the one who was "thrown out of the house". Both my kids had begged me to get a divorce because they were tired of dealing with all the drama....I chose to stay rather than divorce... In reality, I was thrown out more often than the garbage...a few months here, sometimes only a week, sometimes 9 months, sometimes less....She would not miss me at all, and I was not allowed back home...Fortunately, I owned several rental homes, including my moms, so I always had a place to stay...I learned not to take much except clothes, because moving day seemed to always come suddenly. When she wanted me back home, it had to be right now....To this day, I still have piles of clothes at my moms...I traveled light..only a coffee pot, clothes, and toilet articles. I know the Heckle and Jyde routime very well..you can call it bi-polar if you wish... I realized early on that this would probably get worse, and even if I chose to leave, I would have to become involved at a later date...or let my kids deal with it, or let her become a bag lady, or get institutionalized,..The decision you must make is an either or situation. If you truly love him, stay. If you do not love him, leave... Simple. (Yeah right) It is the true test of love to love someone who does not love you back.... Anyone can love someone who loves them......ANYONE.. Very few can love someone who hates them How much love do you have??? When you find the answer to that question, then you will know exactly what top do......
Thank you Frank for sharing, especially so soon after Audrey's passing. When gina first started posted and mentioned that her hb had bought another place you were the one I thought about but at the time you were dealing with your wife's death.
Gina, do not cancel his doctor appointment. There is a chance when that date comes he may be in a place to go. If not you, maybe the kids could take him. In the meantime let him stay at his trailer giving you time to re-coop and make decisions. I know divorce is out if you want to keep your medical insurance, so letting him live at his trailer seems a solution. Next time he wants to come back don't let him. Next time he doesn't come back until he sees the doctor. If need be, change the locks so he can't get into the house. And keep the phone near to dial 911.
Frank, that is the best post I have ever read on this subject. "How much love do you have?" ....that pretty much sums it up doesn't it!
Gina, as you can see many of us have been where you are now.I still feel it is vital to get him to the doctor. One way or another we have all found ways to get our loved ones there. If he has AD, medicine can help with the behavior issues and make life better for both of you. If he doesn't have it, then you can divorce without worry. For some of us the love we had is enough to see us through these bad times. For some they just can't handle it. As Frank said, you have our support in whatever you decide.
Well, everyone, I've been quite occupied, licking my wounds, and crying my eyes out. At this point, I have no more fight left in me. Our marriage turned into a horror 4 years ago, but I do believe it is now over. He told me he would cancel the doctor appointment and I have no reason to doubt it's already been done. And without a dx, there isn't much left for me to do. I'm in a no win situation. I can't live with this stranger who swears he loves me, but treats me like he hates me. And without a dx, there could be no meds for him to take to make life a little bearable. I do love my husband, hate to lose him after all these years, but I really can't take any more abuse. My 2 sons have been telling me for the last couple of years to leave him once and for all. And the new realization that he probably has vascular dementia, hasn't altered their advice. They do feel that probability finally explains his awful treatment to me, which they just couldn''t understand these last 4 years. But, again, without a dx, we're right back to square one. At this point, my sons have seen me suffer so much during these laast 4 years that they are more worried about my health right now than their father's. As for me....well I always took him back, hoping and praying we could get back to the wonderful marriage we had over 40 years. But if always ended in emotional and even physical abuse on several occasions. So it seems whether it's the illness or not, I have no other choice at this juncture but to finally accept I have lost him to I-don't=know-what.And it's killing me. Will close for now, since I can't even see the computer screen through my tears. Thank you.... every dear one of you for all your kindness to me. I promise to keep in touch. Tons of Hugs, Gina
I understand what you are going through. In 2008, when I stopped my husband from driving, the Alzheimer Devil took over his brain. The screaming fights, his verbal abuse, his rage, his obessive ranting, literally almost killed me physically and emotionally. (Well documented in the 2008 blogs). My heart was shattered - up until Alzheimer's Disease invaded, we had a wonderful, loving, fun, supportive marriage. I could not believe what was happening. When I had finally had enough, and I could barely breathe from the screaming arguments, I told him I was finished. I told him if he wanted his driving and freedom so much, he could have it. I would divorce him, relinquish my job as being responsible for him legally, and he could go do what he wanted. To my utter horror and heartbreak, he actually gave it a lot of thought. In the end, he chose me, but losing his driving, which to him, was his manhood and his freedom, broke his spirit. The strong, vital, rock of a man that he was crumbled.
Now, as his physical and mental health is declining, he depends upon me as a child depends upon his mother. He tells me every day that he loves me and is lucky to have me. He has no memory of the Hell he put me through in 08. I will never stop loving the man I married 41 years ago, but he is not the man I am married to now. My heart continues to break as I watch him decline.
I wish there was some way you could get him to the doctor for a diagnosis. Medication could calm those rages and mood swings.
As has been said many times here, you have our support in whatever your decision is.
Oh, Joan, without your knowledge, I have been brought to tears quite often by reading your blogs relating the heartbreak you are and have been suffering. My tears are for me, for you and for everyone else here on this site. Every time I read another blog, thread, etc., on this site, it does help a lot knowing there are others living this same nightmare. But it also has taken away any hope I had of restoring our marriage back to what it was. My sons kept telling me Daddy will never be the husband he was... based on what they were currently seeing with his new cruel behavior to me. But they never really thought it was a physical manifestation. Neither did I. More of a midlife crisis we all thought. And when thinking that....there's always hope that he will eventually come to his senses and get his act together. Now, that we truly believe it is his illness, the hope is gone. And paralyzing fear is all that is left. I would always cry to my husband, saying "What are you doing to us?" We're retired, living a good life, but although he kept insisting he loved me, I kept asking ..."Then why do you keep sabotaging our marriage?" He could never answer those questions. Eventually, he did come up with a response.....I was the problem. And he still thinks that today. I just don't know how to co-exist in such a sick alternate universe. Maybe I'm still in the state of shock since finding this site. Only time will tell. We're not even talking now that he left, so I can just forget about getting him to a doctor for now. In the meantime, I will sit and wait things out for now, in peace. Gina
Gina, I have haven't been through the things you are going through. The only thing I can think of is....next time your husband wants to come back is tell him "NO" until he sees a doctor and finds out what is wrong with him. I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you and hope you will find a way to find peace.
Gina = you have to accept what all of us have to: our marriage is over.
The person we were married to - some happily, some not happily - is no longer there. This is what I see you repeating: ""But it also has taken away any hope I had of restoring our marriage back to what it was."" If it is not a treatable condition like thyroid or many of the others that can mimic dementia, then you are going to have to accept and mourn that your marriage will never be restored. Regardless of what is wrong with him, you will never be able to go back. You will always wonder if it would happen again.
The mourning for what was lost will continue throughout the dementia journey.
As I said before, do not let him back him. Tell him you need time (for whatever) and right now the best is for him to stay in his trailer. If he wants a 'date' then do a date but afterwards he goes back to his trailer. If he gets violent again, call 911. That may be the only way you can get him to the doctor. Although the last four years have been a living nightmare, I believe you still care for him, want to find out what is wrong and get treatment. Caring does not mean you have to live together.
Gina, also keep in mind that if this is a medical condition, as we all suspect...he CANNOT help it. He is not doing this on purpose. It is something messing up his mind.
My DH was a sweet, gentle wonderful man...but he changed just as yours has. It is tough to even accept that he cannot help himself, but it is true. I tried to think of it this way...if it was cancer or something else as deadly, you would not blame him for his actions. This is the same thing. A disease he has no control over.