I know some of you ladies may recall I asked for advice on this same subject about a year ago. My two married daughters are soon to leave NJ for homes in FL, leaving me with no family here. I know that I will need help as I grow older and possibly ill, but I am happy here in my own little home in an active adult community (11 years) and have every convenience. I am physically and mentally well. I lost my DH in March 2010 and had spent down to get him on Medicaid to preserve the home, and I am left with only a small IRA, and a portion of the income we once had. My daughters have not spent any time when down in FL to help me find a suitable home for me and my dog to rent and have consistently put me at the end of their “to do” list, I constantly changed my mind about relocating there, back and forth! I have scoured the internet on my own behalf, and recently did find a active retiree community with homes to rent, but they will not take me down there to check it out! I would fly alone but uneasy renting a car and staying in a motel alone. They have issued me instructions that they want me to wait until spring when they are settled, then put my home on the market and look for a place in FL near them. They simply do not understand that I am in limbo, not knowing if this community would fill my needs and would not have to look further (which I feel is useless with all the searching I have done myself). I wanted to put my home on the market now, after visiting this community, but they are too busy to help me move. I would wait to place the home on the market ( will sell quickly) in early spring, but I need to know if this is the place for me to go! I would think they would want to get me settled first..they both have their homes there, but still have their home up North to sell.
My problem is that I constantly change my mind about going! Everything is so uncertain and I need to get my life settled in peace. Caring for my DH for 5 years and losing him was stressful enough! I can get a reverse mortgage. I would love to stay here in NJ and spend winters down there. I do not get any invitation to stay with them, and I don’t want to. The bottom line is that the more they put me off and want me to wait “hanging” the more uneasy I feel about the whole thing!
If I sound unsettled , it is because I am, and I apologize if I am not getting my point across to you wonderful friends. I hope that you can help me see the light of day and a clearing at the end of the tunnel. I want to say that RB13* and I have become fast friends and she has offered me to live near her about 220 miles from my daughters. She has been a blessing and rainbow in my life since our meeting on this website! I love her dearly but feel I would prefer to stay in NJ except for winter! Help!!!
HLK* from what you say it doesn't make too much sense to follow your children to Fl. They obviously have their own lives and aren't about sharing. I, too, am a northerner (Philly). I live in a gated 55+ community and very happy. Lots of widows to pal around with and more activities than I can handle. If you play bridge or mahjong I think the clubs would move you down here and even help you unpack :D. A real plus is that we never have to shovel snow. Of course we have a hurricane brewing.
HLK---When your daughters were living near, did they help and include you? If not, and they're too busy to help you check out the place you found, plus keep putting you off aboutmoving down there, I'd be thinking more than twice about moving down there. Does the place you're considering, have any seasonal rentals? You could wait to saell and use this year to try it out. What ever you decide, make it your choice. You're the one who has to live with it.
HLK, while I am sure the uncertainty must be unnerving, my advice would be to try to forget about this for now. Plan to spend this coming winter and next spring right where you are. Let the daughters get moved and settled. Who knows? They might not like it there and could conceivably go somewhere else! You say this has been brewing for about a year. Maybe let one more year go by and see where things are then. You might find that you do just fine without them nearby. You might find you miss them terribly and want to move to FL. But for now it seems like the best thing to do is try hard to put this decision off until things are more settled with the daughters' situation and then see where you think you want to be. Sorry you are stressing over this. Might you find a local friend to go with you on a search visit so you don't have to do the rent car/hotel thing alone? Just a thought.
I agree with what bluedaze* says. I faced the delima of moving to be close to my dh's family expecting help with him. We uprooted from our home of 17 years that was over half paid for, moved to Lake Charles, La. and have since received very little help from any of my dh's family. Even in the form of phone calls, it is too much for them to do. I regret moving and would have less stress if I had stayed in our home. There is a reason you keep having second thoughts and that could be because deep down you know it will not change if you are close to your kids. Their life will go on and you will be on a back burner. Not trying to be mean, but I am there now. Please do what your heart wants and knows is correct. Seems like you have made a great friend on this site and that sounds like it could be a blessing for the winter. Your stronger than you think and don't need the negative issues that could arise if you don't see your kids as much as you would like if you move. Personally I would say stay put, keep making friends, and love the kids from a distance. Sometimes that is the best relationship. Wish I had some one to help me decide before I made my decision. Hope this helps....... Have a Great day.....
i think i would rethink the move to be near your children from what you have stated.. if you are happy where you are maybe you should stay put. if you need further help later on due to physical needs then i;d think of moving to an assisted living directly maybe closer to family. i think we overexpect what kids are willing to offer as far as companionship. they have their own lives and taking care of aging parents isnt on the priority list, nowdays they expect us to move to assisted living and out of their hair. go visit them during winter and go home to your own place. divvi
I agree with Divvi. There are communities called Continuing Care Communities; they offer you different living options as you age, starting with plain old retirement community to Assisted Living to Nursing Home when you need it - all on the same property. I'm sorry that your children don't make you a priority, but, the hand writing is on the wall and that is why you feel so uneasy about leaving what you know and are comfortable with. I suggest that you take steps to take care of yourself as you age and if you don't have any visits from your children, at least you can comfort yourself with the fact that they don't live close. Also, it is a good idea for you to visit a ElderLaw Attorney (make sure you get referrals from someone you trust) and get ideas about making plans for your future - they do this everyday and know what's available, etc. Good luck to you - kids can be a royal pain.
First off you spent 5 years helping your spouse through AD and that says a lot.
On this topic you asked for comment and in all sincerity I see someone who keeps changing their mind about what they want (which is your right) but wants it resolved right now which is in conflict.
Your children may be hearing you saying that you haven't made up your mind at all about which choice you really do want and might be focusing on their own moves. It might make sense to them to settle first and wait until you sound like you know what it is you truly want.
I'm say this with respect for what you've gone through; but, I would feel some concern that the moves by your children at a time when you have gone through all this might be more a reaction to not wanting to lose yet more things right now and I urge you to consider the idea that making such a change right now with it being so clear that you actually don't know what you really want right now - is probably a mistake.
You've said both that you would 'love to stay' and yet are upset that you're not getting help to make the move right now. Either you are reacting or you are the type that hates for things to be unsettled because they prey on your mind. If you need your children just to travel and see this place, then you will need them for other things too. It's not just about choosing the building to live in. And they have asked you to wait until spring and then they will get you down there close to them.
I urge you to consider resolving this issue by deciding to stay in NJ until the spring - and then go down to FL when the children are settled and can help you to find a nice place. This place you found on the internet is just one. Your children can actually go and see them and help you pick one that's good for you. They will be available - I guarantee it.
My apology for not acknowledging all your responses for help much sooner! I did read them all and am taking much of the advice you have given me..to stay put and not panic with the move. Thank you all so much! My delay has been that my son has been with me for 9 days now, he works in Abu Dhabi in the UAE and had not seen him since my DH passed away in 3/10. I know I will be back on here after he leaves tomorrow and have more time to chat with you all! Thanks from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write and help me!
If you want to visit the community in Florida on your own, call them and ask if they can provide you a room to stay there for a few days and transportation. That would give you a much better sense of what they offer.