I was wondering if anyone has experienced their LO remembering a new event that is more emotionally charged than a little detail. My DH's mother was hospitalized for about a week -- she has congestive heart failure and is now on oxygen. I had hesitated to take him to visit her because I wasn't sure how he would react. I could tell he was bewildered and he kept saying to her he hoped she would come home soon.
Normally my mother-in-law would cook lunch for herself and my DH every Monday. It has been their special time together for months. When we told my husband that his mother was home again, his first comment was that she would cook for him again. We told him that she is no longer able to do that. He didn't say much about it and then saw her at home with the oxygen. This morning he saw it was Monday, but he didn't comment as he always does that he would be having lunch with her. So, he DOES remember this change in his life. When I see that he can remember something like this, I start to sometimes feel that he is scamming me with his lack of initiative and caring about everything else in our lives.
Has anyone encountered a similar situation like this? I really struggle with having compassion for my husband because he was always somewhat dismissive about the details in life anyway, saying they weren't important.
Your dh probably doesn't understand his mom's inability to do lunch for him. I find this so hard to grasp with AD. How a person loses understanding of actions in others. Your dh always had his mother to do little things for him. Maybe his love for her was much greater than you think. A real tribute to his mom. I wonder if my sons think of me that way. We all know our kids take us for granted until we aren't around or capable.
Oh, I know my husband loves his mother very much. He has always been her golden child, the most successful among his siblings. It has been sad to watch her decline and even sadder to see that he wasn't able to pick up on it. It seems as if life is black and white to him -- things have to really fall apart until he sees that action is necessary. It's like that with everything now -- he won't trim him fingernails unless they're splitting off, won't allow his teeth to be extracted even though it's necessary, doesn't think it's necessary for our front porch to be repaired, even though it's been sagging for a few years. And he was a structural engineer!
It's sad to see the lack of judgement in daily matters -- if I hadn't taken over all finances and taken steps to get him on disability, we'd be living in homeless shelters!
Thank goodness your dh had you. I have to say my dh doesn't see the necessity of repair either. He was a mechanical engineer and can't even measure accurately anymore. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps numbers have just escaped them. They can't think ahead, just live in the present. Only thing my dh really obsesses about is the weekly trash. Pickup is on Wednesday morning but the frivolity begins on Monday. My expensive packaging tape is wrapped ad infinitum around bags of newspapers, nothing smelly is put in the can. Should I throw out just good stuff? Can't wear out the wheels on the can so dh picks up heavy can and puts it on a dolly! Probably will be the first to have a heart attack throwing out the trash.
Latest weirdo suggestion is that I make an inventory of what goes into the trash and put it out for the garbage men to read.
Shirley, you gave me a giggle with the inventory list of trash! And I needed a giggle today. Mine just wants to pay the garbage men everytime they pick it up!
My normally meticulous husband doesn't do much anymore, either - except watch tv ad infinatum. Actually, his best friend, the tv, is a lifesaver for me, as well. I really almost appreciate him more now that he can't do things than when he did. I never gave most of the "guy" stuff a single thought, he did it all and it was always done on time and done well - life, for me, was a bowl of cherries. Now that I am having to do it all, I have new respect. I orchestrated getting our house painted this summer, the deck refinished, the roof pressure-washed and treated and new doors bought, stained and mounted along with new hardware. I have done so many things that I never gave a thought to that I am amazed that he did all these things in the past and I never noticed him doing them. He's very happy with me doing these things and thinks they look nice, but has no issues about not doing them himself - except driving and taking out the trash. Pretty amazing!
When I first began to suspect (strongly) that he was slipping I initiated us getting new wills which necessitated us going through all of our finances with a fine tooth comb. DH couldn't remember most things and it took me months to find out things and find things, all involving pretty good sums of money. Good thing I did that because I'd have never known. Do you know that Life insurance companies have millions of unclaimed dollars in their accounts because beneficiaries are unaware of those polices? Now I know why. So there is a upside to this disease, it makes us more self-sufficient and we are much, much stronger than we ever would have imagined.
Oh Shirley, I feel guilty about laughing because I know this must just be driving you crazy! Before my DH was placed he couldn't remember where the trash chute was on our floor in our retirement bldg. and so took the elevator down to the main floor and handed the bag of garbage to the receptionist at the front desk.
Elaine - my husband builds new memories and it amazes me, but then he is still in the earlier stages - but it still amazes me. Your husband built a new memory centered around a person he has a close connection too. The interesting part will be to see how long it last - it may soon go. Others have mentioned old abilities coming back - but temporarily.
Our Trash is picked up Friday morning and I do laundry on Fridays. DH started today on when the trash will be picked up and what clothes he will be putting in to be washed. I told him it was Monday so he had two or three days to think about it. End of discussion!!!!!
Mother t,good for you! I can't emphasize enough that everyone needs to do what you have done with their finances before you can't get your spouse to cooperate.
You know the drill: wills, DPOA, DPOA/medical, living will FOR BOTH OF YOU. Be careful with credit cards and monitor your spouse's closely. Learn to look up bank and credit card info on line and keep your eye on them! Be sure nothing of importance is in his name alone and consider getting the house and cars etc in your name alone. Post the names of repairmen where you can find them.
Get rid of guns if any aggression is showing. Lose car keys when you have to. And make sure the TV and DVD player are in good working order. They are your FRIENDS!
TRASH!!! That was always Paul,s job and even up until about amonth ago he could still take the trash to the bin-lift the lid and put it in. Not now--he puts the bag on top of the lid and stands there trying to figure why it will not go in. Same with the mail,he always went t the mailbox until recently,now if he takes letters to be mailed out he will put hem in the box raise the red flag,then take the letters back out and bring them to the house! I told him one day that was a surefire waynot to have to do those jobs anymore! Just little things but they say so much in his decline.
ElaineK--your husband was able to remember about his mother because it was associated with emotion. The part of the brain that controls emotion remains intact in AD patients long after other parts have been destroyed. Clearly, he has a close relationship with his Mom and a strong emotional tie to her.
You say that you sometimes think he is scamming you because of his apathy about other things, but apathy is a common symptom of dementia. Again, that is due to the portion of the brain that has been affected by the disease process. He isn't making a deliberate choice to be that way, it is part of the illness. Hard to get used to, I know.
Thank you MarilyninMD for your insight. I actually read an article yesterday that Joan has posted on the main page "Understanding the Dementia Experience" and I did see the section on emotionally mediated memory. That also explains why my husband is always so drawn to children -- he always has loved kids and he so enjoys seeing the little ones wherever we go.
It is tough sometimes because there are days when he seems like his old self and I guess I'm always waiting for the lightbulb to go off -- I know it's not going to happen but I guess it's just human nature to always hope for the best.