My husband is losing large parts of his memories of us as a couple. It’s always a little shock to me when I mention something—one of our special memories—and he has no recollection of it. I always thought that at least I would remember all these special things. But lately I find myself so mired in what is happening now that I’m losing sight of how my husband used to be, and how we used to be as a couple. And I’m afraid that “after”, my memories will all be of these last years. We’re going into our sixth year after diagnosis now—after several years before that of us both noticing changes--and as more and more time passes, my memories are becoming blurred, too.
I would appreciate it if those of you with wisdom in this area would share it with us. How do we keep our good memories alive? Or is it better not to, so we are able to live with the daily changes?
Gosh, i dont ever want to lose my couple memories! everytime i look into DH eyes, i remember that spark and love of life we had together. i have made a habit of putting time and dates on backs of photos so when i look back it will be clear to me even yrs from now. i know i will cherish those days forever-as well even the ones now. there are times even now that he smiles and looks happy in his little world. even these i want to remember. knowing i can have these memories makes it easier for me to move forward. divvi
I scrapbook, and one of the reasons I do it is that I put dates on almost every page I do. I've figured out ways to know when the film pictures were taken. Some of the time the date the film was developed is on the envelope or even somewhere on the photo. Or I use hints based on where we lived. We moved across the country more than once, so that helps. Do we have a dog? How old is my daughter? Just how much face hair is he wearing? Just how ugly is that dress? <grin>
I don't scrap chronologically, so if I do a batch of scanning, I get to enjoy new discoveries of what used to be.
I don't have any wisdom in this area, but I do have fears. Last September, I wrote a Blog enititled "Life Before AD Fading?" Go to the home page, www.thealzheimerspouse.com, click on "previous blogs", and scroll down to #45.
Our lives now, as they are, whether we like it or not, have become the "new normal", and yes, memories of how it used to be start to fade. We will never be able to give our spouses back their memories, but for us - scrapbooking would be a good way to keep those memories alive. For some, it is too painful, but for others, it may offer comfort in remembering that we were the lucky ones - to have found such a great love and relationship.
One of our readers (sorry, I have no idea where to find it at the moment) sent me something she wrote about the pain of watching old videos. In some way, it was good to see her husband as he was; in other ways it was terribly difficult to watch.
Joan, I may have sent you a poem I am printing here a small recollection and a poem. Back to Yesterday
Asmy husband progresses I find myself forgetting him as he once was . I put a video of one of our special family occasions and watch the person on the screen as I relive the precious memory of my sweetheart and store up images to sustain me as he grows more and more distant.
My children won’t watch these films as they say it is too painful. I try not to but am drawn to them whenever the present reality becomes almost unbearable. There is a bitter sweet quality to the viewing but I am so glad that I have these to help me retain my inner memories of Earnie’s physical attributes as well as his animated person and mind filled with intelligence. I must for a time substitute the stranger with the lover I remember. m I wrote about watching videos. i am including it here . My Love and I
The television screen is suddenly illuminated and there is my love, Smiling into the camera lens , his eyes alight with intelligence. I smile in return, my heart aching with bittersweet longing, To go back to that day when life was sweet And the future bright with plans and no sense of foreboding. The man in the film enthusiastically speaks with fluency, No hesitation, no fumbling for words, no bizarre language.. Rather a kidding, loving speech directed at me with an intimacy Engendered from many, many years of life together , And belief that these years would continue unabated With all our dreams being fulfilled we lived our lives Unaware of the monster that awaited.
Ah! There he is waving as he balances one of the grandchildren on his shoulders. He moves with a quickness and grace, Uupright, and with head thrown back. No indication that in a few years he would be shuffling, slowly taking one step and then another , with a lack of balance ever present in his gait .
I remember that day that we filmed our joy, And if we could go back to that time And change the future to one of health and continued companionship, I would in an instant put in my request to God . To continue with my Love for more years of togetherness, being able to converse And participate together in the daily happy pattern of life.
I will, when I am starved for a glimpse of my Love Watch the happy times when he was whole, And laugh with a sob in my throat as I see him encountering life with a joy And a verve for life, And for a little while will see the man complete and glorious While I forget for a little while the reality that awaits When the screen darkens and I begin anew the role that fate has assigned me..
Carewife, I appreciate your poetic depictions of how your husband looked pre-AD. Strange that it's both so subtle and yet so obvious--the difference between health and AD. I have a collection of photos I've compiled for just that reason. To remember how he looked interacting with the kids, interacting with life, and looking all there.
Also I find myself observing other men--often ones much older than my young-looking 60 yo husband, and noticing that signs of life in them that indicate no-AD.
Carewife, a wonderful attestment to how life was. this could be any of our own videos. thank you for sharing your most inner emotions and feelings. I have done the same looking at healthy men esp around th same age as my DH full of life and vigor and wonder if they have the 'demon' waiting to strike at a moments notice as well. I am sure this part of my life has made me suspicious and leary of ever having another permanent relationship. i would always be looking and studying the everyday traits 'just to be sure:. the worst thing that affected me for a long time was that Sandals commercial, where 'couples' are in love and having the time of their lives. boy that would send me into teardom knowing i wouldnt ever see those times again. so yes, i am sure i will do the same when i have the reverence and courage to look back in video at my DH as he was during those yrs, whole and happy. just yesterday my brother said he had a CD of an easter we spent with the family and my DH was smiling and no idea of his awful future. divvi
I stare at a photo on my desk. It was taken the week my daughter married. The two of us are laughing and you can see the connection between us.
For a long time I had a very hard time watching the couples living around us, all our age more or less, going about and having a good time. I seem to be able to deal with it a lot better lately.
I really understand how divvi feels about those Sandals commercials. My wedding day was a disaster because of a huge snowstorm on that day. For years just looking at Bridal stores tore me apart, and I never wanted the big white wedding in the first place. But because we tried to have one, it really hurt that it didn't come off.
Starling I'm sorry your wedding day was a disaster! Mine was okay, but not a ten, because my mother-in-law had to take tranquilizers to even come! She was like a zombie! She didn't want to let her only child go! :)
As to Sandals, you guys called up my memories:
My DH and I, along with another couple who have been our best friends for 40 years, have gone to Sandals in Jamaica for "spring break" for 5 years in a row. The last year we were able to go was 2006. We went snorkelling and scuba diving several times each visit, but this time I realized something was wrong with him when we were getting ready to get on the boat to go snorkeling, and he turned around and said "no" and walked back to the beach area where we usually relaxed in the shade. I followed him, not understanding his actions, because it was totally out of character for him. We ended up having fun getting shells out of the water, and placing them on our chaise to dry. It turned out that 75% of them were inhabited by crabs! Whenever a shell started moving, we would pick it up and place it back in the water! Our trips to Sandals were so much fun, and I have albums from each trip. I can look at them and remember the good times. I was thinking of trying to go one last time this next year, but my children talked me out of it. They reminded me that we had so many wonderful memories at Sandals, and if I took him, I would only remember the LAST one where he was not himself. I decided that they were right, so our last trip will probably be the caregiver cruise in February.
It's funny, but I'm grateful for all those wonderful pictures, albums and videos because they show me how very lucky we were to have found each other, had so much fun, raised four healthy children, and were able to travel and see so much together. I smile when I look at our pictures and scrapbooks. Maybe I'm the oddball here.
Do you know what makes a bright spot in my day now? It is saying something that makes my husband laugh. He does so very seldom, but the fact that he still can, thrills me. I know the time is coming where all emotions leave them, and I'm not ready for that yet.
We just had family visit for a couple of days, and after they left, my DH dug out of box of old photos...nostalgia must have hit, but he couldn't remember who many of the people were and wanted me to write the names of everyone on the backs. After I had looked at them he suddenly grabbed the box and threw it in the garbage! Including extra pics of our daughter's wedding. No explanation for it...I did retreive it, however. We have many videos of big power boat trips, white water rafting etc., but I'm not sure if he would get upset watching them. Maybe when he is having a good day I'll try it.
This disease has robbed us of so much, it may not have our memories. I agree that the struggle of dealing with the everyday drain of my husband blurs the connection to our lives before Alzheimer's (b.A.), but I know that the reason I can and will cope is the love that united us and unites us still. It is painful to remember the word plays and foolishness we indulged in around the clock, the full life we shared, that we created together. I have grown stronger because of all of that. So, we will fight this disease as long as we can, holding on to the moments we are still given and sharing it all. If there comes a time when I have to battle for the two of us, I will. Tears and loss and anger and pain aside, this man and I have a marriage that Alzheimer's will not take from us. It is not for the taking.
I know I am talking to those who know the battle. May you find quiet in this day.