Hello Everyone, I will keep it brief, as there is way more tough things going on with this incredible family...I, do, feel fortunate to say family. Thank you all for that. Real quick, our youngest son, Ethan, is going to college in 5 days. Our oldest son JH is coming home from Boston to help us out with the move in...and most likely my tears. John would have loved this event so very much. Ethan and I drove back home today from my mom's (newly, lovely spot for "retirees"...she will never be happy....that is another story.)
So, on the drive back home today, in our car, I said, Ethan...do you want to see daddy tomorrow...before you leave. He looked right at me and said this...mom, i think about dad all the time...I don't want to remember him like he is. I want to remember like he was before. I said are you afraid to see him...he said yes. Ethan is 6'4, was the quarterback. etc...and one wonderful honey of a kid. I said, babydoll, this is your call. I am with your decision whatever it may be. I still in my heart of hearts...wished he had said, yes...lets' go see Daddy.
The most important thing, in my opinion, is that you maintain good relations with your children. So if, by letting them make this call themselves, you are content and they are content, maybe that's ok. I imagine there might come a time in the kid's future when he becomes aware that he deliberately skipped an important life feature that he should not have skipped, and perhaps he will have regrets. But they'll be his to deal with.
Sorry your son feels that way, but I do understand. It took my daughter, who is now 29, almost 2 years before she became more comfortable around her dad. She used to cry every time she saw him. She was a "daddy's girl" all the way. On the other hand, my son has seemed to take his father's declines in a more logical manner.
Robyn, for what it is worth, here is my take on it. I have a great deal of compassion for children going through this. And by children I mean younger children, not grown men and women. I have a lot of bitterness at Lynn's children. He has four, and none of them go to see him. Two are older than me! So I have little sympathy for them, it is no damn picnic for me to see him "this way" either.
But younger children like your son; I think it is important not to push them. I think they are still developing many skills, and their coping skills may not be up for it. I wasn't blessed with children, but I am extremely close to my niece and nephew who live with me.
For the longest time my nephew couldn't go see Lynn. He still loved him greatly, but it pained him so much to see him. When Lynn became bedridden and needed a lift to move him, it destroyed my nephew. He told me “He was my superman; it kills me to see him like this" ....... He was only 13 at the time. And life is so hard and confusing at that age, I couldn't add to that the burden of seeing his uncle so lost. Now though, (he just turned 15), he asks to go visit Lynn. He loves how animated he is and gets immense joy out of making him laugh. I think this is because I didn't force him to go, I let him come to terms with it in his own time.
My niece is 2 years younger than him and never had a problem with Lynn's declines. At age 8 she took his hand anywhere we went. She was and still is very protective of him. She is now 13 and unlike most kids her age thinks nothing of "giving up" her weekend to go dance and sing for her Uncle Lynn. She loves him, it is that simple. It doesn't mean that she loves Lynn more than my nephew, it just means for some reason she was blessed in that she didn't dwell on all that was lost but instead put her focus on who he still was and how she could make him happy. They are so different, but they both have hearts of pure gold!
Trust your son to know what is best for him. You know he still loves his Dad, for now..... That will have to be enough. I would worry if he never went that he may have trouble later in life with closure… but for now, let him enjoy the excitement of being a kid on his way to college.
I'm taking my daughter to start college in a week. What shook me when I took my son two years ago is that it has become a big family ritual--in most cases whole families were there dropping their children off. I felt alone. My son didn't stay at college, mostly for reasons relating to ADHD. I just hope being at home helping with his dad (and taking courses part time at the local community college) will turn out to be the growing up experience he needs.
Son is headed back last week for senior year in college. .Plays college soccer so needed to get back earlier. We had family pictures taken which we hadn't had in last 9-10 years. .So glad we did now. .DW figures it's because she isn't going to be around much longer. .I said, it's because our son is in his senior year. . My take is that boys, in particular have a more difficult time expressing emotion. . I know it's always in the back of his mind. . He knows his mom will try and make it to most of his games even though her vision does not allow her to see him as well as she'd like. She relies on those around to provide detailed play by play commentary. ..He still comes to her and finds her after each game she is at though. . He is pre-med and his research is "Brain function/memory recall abilities". DW has impacted him for the positive more than she'll ever know. .
I don't know, we can make arguements in all camps of thought. Maybe you should tell your son what you would like. He's going off into the new world of college and the "grownup world"...... Part of growing up is that sometimes life isn't fair or easy to look at. Having nice memories are wonderful but all memories are important. This Man his Dad help give him life, a home he grew up in, love and compassion while growing up. Maybe his first college lesson will the most difficult, saying Good-bye to his sick Dad as he ventures off to his new world. What ever decision is made it's really ok, we learn quickly with this disease we can't control others.
Your child going off to college, especially the baby is hard enough, sending prayers and hugs your way.....