My mind supplies me with hundreds of negative thoughts regarding placement but very few positive ones. The ones I read often speak of the benefit for the caregiver but what I am really wanting to switch my focus to is the benefit to the person who has been placed. Hearing of the benefit to the caregiver just makes me feel selfish, I need to know it is best for HIM. Can you help me? RJ
I feel as though my DH is better off at the ALF as he seems to like the other folks there. He pats them on the shoulder or tries to help them get up. They don't seem to require much from him and therefore no pressure for him to try to be something he can't be anymore. When I take him back after an outing he is always glad to get back where he knows things. So much stimulation and confusion out in the world. He has a safe and consistent routine.
I'm afraid the reasoning for me to keep him home longer was more for me than for his benefit. I would be lonely, I would have more bills to pay with placement, I would give up control of his daily comfort and care, perhaps he would forget who I was, long drive to visit him, I would miss him too much. In my case, he is definitely better at the home. I'm the one who is lost.
My hb was in respite for 6 days: regular snacks, all meals well-balanced, regular lotion on hands, activities to participate in w/others (he doesn't like to play games, sing, etc. w/"just" me). He's a wanderer, so he had more safe space to walk than just inside our house. No frustrated wife trying to get him to help w/dressing/undressing. 3rd party staff in shifts less frustrating than 1 woman 24/7. Happy to see other people than wife. If we could afford it, I'd consider placing him, but....he's really not to the point that I can't care for him. I do think he enjoyed his stay in respite. Now, over the long term, I don't know. Didn't seem t miss me while I was gone. Goes w/the floe never seeming to be upset about wherever he is.
My husband-while very confused had terrible rages. In between rages he snoozed. When he went into a dementia only ALF he was welcomed by the other men and invited to join their card games. He had much more mental stimulation there than I could have provided to him at home. He swept the floor and cleaned the tables-thus feeling productive. Best of all-he was able to drop the facade of normalcy which so many of our LOs struggle so hard to maintain. By the way-the card games were unusuall. None of them remembered the rules-but none of them remembered that :D
Your DH will continue his AD progress whether he stays home or is placed. I don't know how old you are, how long you've been his CG or your personal health, but you will deteriorate. Yes, placement is to save the CG, if it helps the patient to be with others in the same situation, to play cards and socialize, and not have to compete constantly in the real world, so much the better, but you have to decide if you are worth saving, it will not be best for HIM if you throw yourself away?
Whatever happens to you, whatever you decide, his AD is in charge. Is there something wrong with needing to save yourself, how is that selfish? We've all had these thoughts when considering placement. It broke my heart, shredded it to pieces when I had to place DH, but my body finally rebelled, I was getting older, having too many stress-related physical problems--and I'm a strong person. And my DH didn't play cards, instead he took up with another female patient and introduced her to everyone as, 'My wife, Betty.' But I was happy for him, he had affection and attention that I could no longer give him. And has been said, I was the one cast alone.
Having been thru it, I'd say placement was best for HIM & best for our children who were afraid they'd lose me to the same disease--and that is not unusual. Looking back, placement was best for everyone, like so many others, I waited too long. Sometimes the heart rules and that's not always best. Good luck, Rhonda, we all understand.
Betty,that's the best explanation I've ever read about placement. Thank you so very much. DH was placed 10 months ago an it's been so hard for me to accept that it was ok for me to benefit too. He's totally happy and relaxed and I'm now at the point where the guilt over having a life of my own doesn't plague me with guilt.
Rhonda, I couldn't believe that you asked that question. It is exactly what I had planned to ask . I, too, am struggling with this decision. I have turned down one bed but the next call will be the last and I couldn't apply again for 3 months. My husband does not like noise and confusion. The secure wards are full of both. He is afraid to be away from me. I have no idea what will happen when he goes for 12 days of respite in October. He was in a geripsych ward for over 2 months and he cried for me as much in the last days as he had in the first. People say it is better for them but I really, really can't believe it.
My husband died two weeks ago at the nursing home. He was there for 10 months. All I can say is the benefit for him was huge. The wandering would have been horrible if he were at home. The doctors told me that if he did wander he would not find his way back and it would be devastating . I would have never forgiven myself. That was the reason I said ok to the nursing home. He was watched 24 hours a day by many caring people. If it was up to me only, I would never have been able to care for him the way he deserved. This should help everyone when they have to come to this decision. It's not about us, it's about them, their safety and being cared for and watched over.
Rhonda--just placed my hb 2 days ago and here's why: it was mostly for his benefit. I was fortunate to have help in the home and he attended daycare 2 days a week. So my "caregiver burden" wasn't overwhelming. However, he needs frequent medication adjustments to keep his behaviors in line; he has had two stays this year in a geripsych ward totalling 7 weeks. His neuro and I tried adjusting meds at home, but it just isn't practical. So at the ALF, he will be seen by a psychiatrist every week; a geriatrician or his NP several times a week; and, of course, the head nurse will see him every day. I am hoping that with all that observation and my constant input, we can keep his behaviors under control, which will result in a better quality of life for him and he will be happier. Your husband may be more stable than mine, but you don't know what the future will bring, and if you pick the right facility with a good medical team it should ensure he can have the best life possible.
Gord is a wanderer and I had to call 911 about 6 times. Some of the police knew me by name. However, my new lock that locks from the inside as well as out has stopped that. He can try the door all he wants but he can't go anywhere. I also think the seroquel has slowed the urge to wander.