Well, today was our 15th wedding anniversary and he was oblivious of course. I didn't even get the jewelry that I had bought for myself in the mail and got no card and no phone calls. This is what my life is going to be like from now on. I know that I deserve more, right? I hate myself for wanting to have a "normal" relationship with someone when it is obvious that it is not going to happen. Why can't I just concentrate on taking care of my DH and forget about me and my needs. It would be so much easier to do if I wasn't getting in my own way. I don't know how to do it though. I hurt so much right now and I can't even tell the person that I married how I feel because it wouldn't do any good, he is so far removed from me I can't get him back. My heart hurts!!!!
deb42657, I went through the same kind of mourning two weeks ago on our 8th anniversary, even though I knew what it's be like. As one last ditch effort I took along our wedding pictures when I went over to see him, but they didn't register. I mourn for the life we won't get to share.
deb-sometimes life sucks. Cards you may receive from clueless people today won't make things any better. It is what it is. I know the hurt is terrible. For what it's worth-I'm sorry.
deb....I am sorry too. but please don't feel for one minute that you are being selfish and thinking of your own needs to want a "normal" married life. You want things to be normal for both of you! And sadly, you realize that it cannot be that way anymore...I don't believe you are being any different or feeling any different than the rest of us. This disease is so destructive...not only to our spouses, but to each one of us and the marriages we have tried so hard to make "normal". Please continue to come here and vent...we all understand exactly what you are saying!
i will also say that it can get worse. for a few years early on i was also always bemoaning the loss of important dates in our lives and joined in many a pityparty. its a natural process as well to feel the pains of mental losses on top of physical ones. the real sadness came about 5yrs into the caregiving being mentally and physically exhausted i realized the 15th anniversay came and went and i didnt remember it. forget DH. that was a very sad moment that it gets so caught up in all the turmoil of caregiving and managing everything, that even we can become forgetful of those memories and days. i was devastated i forget to get him something and made up for it that week. but the pain really never went away that it happened. so i realized that yes the days are important for me to celebrate with him regardless he remembers or not, and to make it special for me too. i always now buy something nice for myself from him and share a kiss and thankyou and somewhere within his mind he smiles like he knows. deb its painful so mourn all you want. but as time passes it will get somewhat easier the losses, but thats no consolation now. divvi
Thank you for letting me vent and have my pitty-party. I guess that is all that it can be and I should "get use to it" GET USE TO IT...that doesn't even seem possible but it sounds like you all have done it so I guess I will do it too. I have only officially been a caregiver for a little over 2 years, even though to me that sounds like a long time it isn't. I am just a baby caregiver, just wet behind the ears and my DH is already,according to what I have told my dr., ready for the diagnosis of failure to thrive. When he loses another 20 lbs., which at the rate he is losing will be by the end of this year. This process seems to be going very slow but when I look back at it it is really going fast. I don't know how I am suppose to feel, I hate feeling the way I do and I think there is something wrong with the way I think because everyone else here seems to be handling things so much better than I am. I love my DH very much but at this point he doesn't even seem to be my DH so how can I love a stranger? I am rambling I know! Please forgive me!!!
It is amazing how fast time can seem to go Deb. When I first came here I saw how far along others were and thought I had time. Now, I think about how we are already 3 1/2 years into the diagnosis. But my fear is that he will go 25 years like his dad. I guess I am fortunate that he rarely bought cards or gifts for me - birthdays and anniversaries were never special. Many years I was depressed cause I would try to make them special and he just didn't care.
I guess I would say try to detach from special dates and just make it another day.
But, do things special for yourself throughout the year, just not on special occasions - you deserve it.
Deb, please know that none of us are "good at this" all the time...actually, very seldom are we; and as far as "getting used to it"...WOW! That is the most difficult task I face....I try to follow others' advice and just take one day at a time...one hour at a time...and it helps when you keep reminding yourself to do this, because you can't change what is happening; you can only change the way you deal with it. And this is an ongoing challenge, believe me....The folks on Joan's site are a Godsend to me...No one ever judges what another says or feels, and with their understanding and encouraging words; and humor; it helps us all to make it through this awful journey. Give yourself some time and be good to yourself....you will get through this with us.
My Birthday is Sunday but I don't expect anything because there hasn't been anything for the past 3 years for Birthdays, Anniversaries or Christmas. If I don't expect anything I am not dissapointed!
It isn't that he wants to ignore those special days. If he is like my HB he doesn't remember dates, what they mean. I would venture to say they don't know what a birthday, anniversary or any other special day means. We would have to get inside their heads to know what is really missing. They are really like lost souls wandering in a world that is unfamiliar.
shirley, I know my DH doesn't remember anything, he doesn't even remember what day it is and asks me every day what it is. Strangely he hasn't forgotten his own birthday in September...or maybe that's a symptom of the "ME" part of AD.
Jean, I didn't know there was a "ME" to AD!!!! LOL bella, you are absolutely right when you said that I will get through this with us. No one else will listen, I am losing friends by the handfuls but there is nothing I can do about it. They would have to go through what I am going through in order to want to help me through it and I would not want anyone to go through what I am going through. I do a lot of rambling lately, it is either to hear myself talk like an adult because I don't get any conversation from my DH and I think I am trying to talk to myself out loud and try to figure things out. This is the only place that wants to listen to my rambling without judging or walking away from me before I even open my mouth. Thanks! I feel better now. By the way the gift I got me will be arriving fedex on Saturday. My favorite...JEWELRY! :-)
Don't worry my hb has never acknowledged our marriage at all. He's so much into himself he can't think of anything else. I wish I was divorced and had nothing to do with him but I'm all he has. His family won't help him at all. I guess I'm stuck for the rest of my life. Talk about being miserable.
lee012, I read your other message before this one and we are really leading the same life, the only difference is for me divorce is not an option. I just keep hoping that the reality is not being stuck the rest of my life because my DH is 19 years older than me so I think there well be an "after life" for me. I am guessing of course, I think that is all any of us can do but I understand why it feels like the rest of your life.