RhondaJill-have your husband's room set up ahead of time. Don't take anything you ever hope to see again because everything grows legs and wanders. I would suggest arriving just before lunch time. Let the staff know your plans. Introduce him to a few people, tell him you have a few errands and will be back later-and GO.

Before I placed my DW, the memory unit had a day care program and I took her there 2 half days a week for two months before placement. She became acquainted with the facility and when I placed her full time she did not have a problem staying there.

RhondaJill, what worked for me may not work for you, but for what it's worth...

I had a small group home all picked out. Did all paperwork days earlier and all was in order. My DH's doctor sent a Rx for Xanax for him. I packed his clothing and toiletries the night before. Our aide came as usual and fixed his breakfast. His son and DIL picked up the xanax at the drug store and dropped in with the fiblet that it was his new blood pressure medicine so he took it willingly. My DIL carried his things to their car. When he was a tad groggy son and DIL suggested he go visit at their house for a while. They got him into the car, our aide sat with me while I cried. Son and DIL drove straight to the group home where the owner and staff were waiting for him. They helped him inside, suggested he sit down for some lunch. Son and DIL turned and walked out. I never said goodbye or even acknowledged he was leaving the house so there was no emotional scene for him to deal with. The whole thing worked beautifully.

He had several rough weeks while he adjusted but the facility was well prepared and had dealt with similar. He has now been there for a year and all is well.

Be strong. You will find the strength to do whatever you must do to assure your DH is well cared for. I'm so sorry you must walk this path.

I can tell you what not to do lol....

I made two big mistakes... the first is I didn't have a prescription in place at the nursing home. I did have extra seroquel, but they would not allow me to administer it myself. It took HOURS for them to get him the medicine he needed to help comfort him. I did give him some seroquel on my own; I am not sure what they would have done had I been caught? But I couldn't stand to see him suffer any longer, so I gave it to him.

The second big mistake was allowing his 4 children to come. He didn't know them and they had spent very little time with him over the years. "Those strangers" telling him why he had to stay, really upset Lynn a great deal. The nursing home staff finally had to ask them to leave. Things got better after that....he wanted and needed only me. If you are his sole caregiver, if he isn't comfortable with others people, I would advise not having them go the day of placement.

Oh and a third thing I did wrong.... his children told him he had to stay while we were downstairs in the dining room. It would have been far better to wait until he was already in the lock down floor before he was told!

The things I did right, at least for Lynn was to go in before he was placed and make his room seem more like home. I had his favorite pictures made into large prints so he could see them easier, I hung them up all over his room. I bought a comforter like the one we had at home for his bed and I brought in anything I thought would bring him comfort. Having familiar things surrounding him really did help him.

I had hoped to drop him off and run for the hills. But that isn’t how it worked out. I was told I might even have to stay overnight that first night. Though they ARE equipped to deal with dementia patients, they also did not want him there alone THAT distressed. Neither did I.

He did NOT want to stay. He was adamant that there was nothing wrong with him. The only way I was able to get him to stay was to tell him I needed to be there and would he please stay with me. That is what worked for us, he would not stay for him, but he would for me. For the first year he was there he believed I “was just upstairs”. If he wanted to “go home” the staff kept my fiblet and told him I was upstairs for testing but I would be down in just a few minutes. It brought him peace and helped ease his transition. You will find what will work best for your husband.

How wonderful Marilyn! I imagine the 5 1/2 weeks from "home" were a help in his smooth transition. So glad he settled in so easy. Such a blessing.

Thanks, Nora, you are right about the quiet and lonely. However, I am glad I followed his doctor's advice and placed him directly from the geripsych unit. His meds now are at the very best they can be and that made it such an easy transition. Based on the past, this will probably change, so if I had delayed placing him it may (probably) would have been much more difficult. Today I went to see him and he was happy and compliant. The staff says he is great and it seems as if he fits right in. Of course, I know this will likely change in the future but we will deal with it when/if that happens.