And, Oh what a fiasco that was!!!! Thought perchance he was in a communicable mood, and so decided it was time to discuss my fears regarding his new and NOT-IMPROVED personality changes. He listened politely to all the gentle persuasion I could muster. And then - the fun began. Told me I was the one who has changed, how I should write "the truth" on this site to all my new friends, I should have explained to everyone what a nagging wife I have become, how I blow up over every little thing, etc. I saw my desperate attempt just turn to ashes, and proceeded to just shut down. It was the reaction I had anticipated to a tee. I just don't know if I have any more to give after 4 years of this unholy roller coaster. He gave me an ultimatum....either I take him back with all the "perks" of a husband or he doesn't want to come back home. I most certainly did remind him that when he was recently given all the perks of a husband during our last reconcilation, he didn't live up to his part with consistant love and respect to me at all. He then accused me of once again bringing up the past. HAH!!! What a joke. But he then proceeded to recall some imaginary memories of my changing over 10 years ago to justify his position. At that point, I had him leave before I had my nervous breakdown. Only 2 years ago, I could get him to admit how badly he has treated me, but it seems he has devised a way to justify anything I point out = he just creates falso memories of how unreasonable I have become.
Just in case anyone is wondering if maybe I am the one with the problem===I had a long talk with my intelligent and brilliant son yesterday and he warned me that Daddy will never change back to the man I loved and lived with for 42 years and that I should just move on in an effort to retain what sanity I have at this point. In my heart, I know my son's advice is so on target. My son is my biggest confidant and has watched me suffer over the last 4 years and is worried about me . He also knows of the 3 incidents of physical abuse I have lived through during the last 2 years. He fully believes his Dad is suffering from dementia, and that I should just let him live in his new trailer home community and allow him to come to our beautiful home when I need his physical help with all that may rquire his help. I will admit that since he moved out, my DH does always come when I need work done. That's the strange part of it for me. Everyone is amazed at how he responds when I call for his aid. And I will admit that is what endears him to me. But I could pay a handyman for things like that......what I desperately need from my husband I can't pay for, pray for, nor beg for.
Oh, and one more tidbit of cruelty - DH told me yesterday I use sex as a weapon!!!! I did attempt to point out that was NEVER my motivation. I explained that love and respect for me is a must in my book, prior to having sex. I reminded him that lovemaking begins before the bedroom and since that is where our problem is, that is the reason I just can't submit and indulge in his husbandly perks. He is totally irrational. And I give up. I've read the threads on sexuality on this site, and know I will not prostitute myself just to share in sex with someone who continually disrespects me. And I did explain to him I desire lovemaking NOT sex. But don't believe he gets the difference. So, my dear friends, this is where I'm at, not a good place. But I just want to let you all know how much I appreciate all the wonderful advice you have all given. But admitting that I once again wanted to strangle him yesterday, shows how little I have left in his caregiving requirements. I love my old husband, but this new version just has to be away from me. I am so totally disgusted with his macho behavior and told him yesterday, if he wants cheap sex and satisfaction, he should go have fun with that with other women. Then reminded him that's certainly NOT how I roll. Love and respect must go hand in hand with lovemaking for me. I hope you all don't think I am being inflexible......maybe just too battered and beaten down to see it any other way. Gina
Gina there are many here who have or are going thru this with the spouse. we have discussed how difficult it is to muster the energy and psyche to have sex with an infantile and deranged spouse - many find it too hard to fathom and like you decide not to iniciate or accept unwanted advances. while yes we love the old spouse its just no longer there once the dementia demon takes hold. and it could get worse at time goes by. there can be overly sexual stimulation that may need medications to help stifle it due to the risk factors. like being in public and exposing themselves, or urinating in public areas, or something dreadful could happen. we just dont know. in your case, its not out of bounds to try at least to express your frustrations but most of the time it goes on unhearing or caring ears. we know they become VERY selfish and self centered and its only about what is in their best interest. some here have decided to go the divorce route and not enter into the AD caregiving. nobody judges anyone here if they decide to go this route. i think we all think about it at least - your spouse may be able to live apart from you for now but soon enough you will find he needs alot more added supervision and cant be left alone. they can get into all sort of trouble in a very short time. it may be time for you to sit with your caring son and come to some reasonable decisions regarding the dads future care. its not an easy road and many of us have been on this journey many more years than thought possible. good luck to you divvi
Divvi--You just reminded me how my husband once said he would never take viagra,(even though he needed it) and never wants to take any meds whatsoever. But during our last reconciliation, on his own, with no prodding fro me, he went and got a prescription for viagra. It shocked me to no end. In reflecting, it does seem he has become much more frisky and pushy. Geez, what is a spouses's legal obligations when they live apart and he becomes more troublesome living on his own? That's a whole new thing to worry about.
i would think unless you go the route of legal separation, you as spouse may be the responsible party. but i am no expert. you may want to ask your atty about him living apart from you. if you are his power of attorney for healthcare and financials, you may want to discuss this as well with an elder care atty. its never too early to get started on all the legal issues that we face with dealing with this disease.
Divvi - At this point in time, if we go for a legal separation, his company will remove me from my medical coverage. I have 2 more years before I qualify for medicare and have diabetes and a huge history with hospitalization for kidney stones. So as you can see, I'm stuck here in limbo for the next 2 years.
Gina--this is the sad truth: you are treating your husband like the man he once was and expecting him to listen to reason. However, that man is gone--plain and simple. My husband also told me the same thing--that I had changed, not him. That is their perspective--they are totally guilt-free, never wrong about anything, etc.
I think you need some help in accepting your husband's condition and in distancing yourself emotionally (somewhat). It sounds as if you are making things harder on yourself by taking everything he says personally. I know it's hard not to do that, but you must realize that his brain is being ravaged by a disease. Your son sounds like he has accepted his Dad's situation, and that he can be a great help to you. Perhaps a third party (therapist, clergy, etc.) can also guide you in dealing with your situation.
Marilyn- You are so right about his being guilt-free. I've been saying he has no guilt, no shame and no conscience for quite a while now. But what really sets me off is that he is so nice and caring to everyone else, even people he knows for a short time. I guess that is why I am making things harder for myself. But why is this illness only ravaging his brain against me??? How do I not take it so personal???? How could he still be so high functioning with everyone else???
"But why is this illness only ravaging his brain against me??? How do I not take it so personal???? How could he still be so high functioning with everyone else???"
I think it is because they know something is wrong but don't want to face it, and it is easier and safer to take it out on the person they know loves them. They seem especially nice to other people to show the world, and you, how reasonable they really are. We're the punching bags, and we have to learn to protect ourselves. Eventually this will pass, and you will be left protecting him from the disease as best you can. Don't waste your time trying to figure him out or reason with him; spend it dealing with the very real problems he's presenting you with. Divvi and Marilyn's advice, and others, can't be improved on, and it's from experience.
ginaginaz- Your story is so similar to mine and the only way I could accept what happened was to realize that I was married to EOAD now, and not my dw. It is a hard thing to do, and I had to tell myself over and over that it was the disease, and not her. They do tend to turn very self centered, and concern for others (especially the spouse) just is not present anymore. My wife would also treat others so great, but when it was me, it was totally different. It is part of the defense mechanism that they want to present to others and try to hide that everything is fine.. As time went on, she found it more and more difficult to hide her symptoms, and she would be belligerent to everyone. I am convinced that self preservation plays an important role, and they really try to pretend that nothing is wrong. Eventually, they are no longer able to control it.
Gina - Your post sounds like the angst of a teen-aged girl. Have you called the Alz Assn and asked about a memory clinic in your area? Have you gone to any seminars about it? Have you & your sons made up something to get him to a doctor? You are the one with the intact mind, he has a brain disease--you are in charge. You need to find out, specifically, what the 'disease' is. You have been told that his brain is ravaging against you because you are the one he feels safe with, he will be nice to others--that's something we all had to learn. You have to stop taking it personally--and don't argue--put your personal feelings into the recycle bin. When he says personal, hurtful things, it's no different than when they ask for their mom who's been dead for years, or the stories they make up. Stop clinging to it. The love, respect, sex--whatever, is simply gone and will not come back the way it was. You are pushing him and pushing him like expecting a crippled man to dance. No one here wants to hurt your feelings, I had my husband accuse me of being with other men, I had him rage at me, screaming 'I could kill you.' Nothing you write is unique. We can sympathize with you because we've all been in your shoes, but until you get professional help in understanding that it is not all about you and your abuse/sex/respect life, there is nothing more those of us in cyberspace can do. Two more things--you will be held responsible for whatever he does, especially if he's driving and gets into an accident. And, if there's any money, get control of it now, otherwise you may find that it's all gone. You must get professional help about the disease and any legal & financial situations, you may eventually have to get guardianship. Start with an elder care attorney in your state--and a doctor--today.
Check out today's blog on the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com. It is for the benefit of all of us, but I wrote it particularly to help newbies like yourself.
The advice everyone, especially Bettyhere*, has given you is excellent.
My sincere thanx to all of the kind and helpful advice you have all offered. Not to make excuses for myself, but today it is only 1 week since I even realized what my husband's problem could be. So, please bear with me and all my mixed emotions, which are boiling over. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am totally obsessed with this whole nightmare. Last week I found out there is a memory center in Mesa, Az., which is fairly close to us. When discussing all this with DH yesterday, I did let him know about it. But as you read above, his reaction to it all was extremely negative and in denial. I just knew he would never go along with any of this. Maybe as he progresses, it will be easier to convince him. In the meantime, I will continue all the researching I have been doing this past week to educate myself further. In addition, in an effort not to further upset my 2 sons, I am trying to show them a brave front. Elder attorney, financial advice, professional help, how do I pull that off when his name is with mine on everything??? And talk about watching money like a hawk lately!!!!! PHEW!!!! And that is a trait he has never exhibited EVER. And it is also now something that brings out his hair-trigger temper. On the bright side, I lost 7 pounds this past week. Thanx everyone, again.
Slow down, Gina, and take a deep breath. Rome was not built in a day. It will take time for you to absorb all the information comming your way. If you can find a way to get him to a doctor to find out what you are really dealing with it will help. There maybe something else going on with him that can be helped. After that you can see an Eldercare Attorney and get those affairs taken care of. You must get some rest and sleep so you can look at things in a rational way. It's good you have sons that will help you. Try not to look way down the road but do what you can for what's right in front of you. We care and will be praying for you.
gina, I responded before in your earlier post and detailed my experience. It is 3 years ago now that DH hit me and was going to kill me so I had no other choice but to call the police. That led to 4 months of outrageous medical bills (back then most insurances wouldn't cover more than 2 weeks acute care for "mental illness") and only so-so results in calming his behaviors. I know how devastating this is but you must prioritize what you need to do. Since you found a memory clinic, enlist your son to get your husband to the memory clinic for evaluation. Perhaps call the clinic and see if they can give you any pointers on how to accomplish that. Try the Alz asso-they may have some suggestions. One of the things I learned was early on I was not receptive to suggestions because I was SURE DH would not agree, comply, etc. But when I actually tried many of the suggestions after all else failed, they did work sometimes. It was hard to know which ones would/wouldn't work but after I exhausted my approaches, I tried others. You have to be open - if someones else's suggestions don't work, you've lost nothing. I recommend the first thing you do is make an appointment with a GOOD certified elder law attorny and be prepared to discuss joint finances, savings, property, etc and whetehr or not it is owned jointly or not. You MUST get an idea of what your financial standing is and will be if he is diagnosed with dementia. DO IT NOW BEFORE IT's TOO LATE. You don't need to consult an attorney with your husband-it doesn't matter if everything is joint for you to have an appointment alone. The attorney will tell you what you can/cannot do.
This is easier said than done...don't let his criticism immobilize you. You know it's not true and you'll never convince him that he's wrong. I'd let him live in his trailer community until you consult the attorney. Just because you're living apart, if you're still married, it doesn't release you from the community property laws and obligations you may have. Take it from me, I cried hysterically every day and it took me way too long before I dealt with the issues. In this situation if he does have dementia, time is NOT your friend. You need to take care of you and your future.
Gina, in the early stages, one of the hard things for me to deal with was the changes in my spouse. Over time I had to realize that the roles we each had in our marriage were not the same. I had to learn to "hide and sneak" around to get information I needed. I got him to agree to our POA etc. by telling him that since I had had cancer...we needed to do them to protect him etc. I felt so bad having to fib to him...we were always honest with each other. But, it was my job to take care of him, and ME. Get your financials, POA's etc in order BEFORE any dx. Then no one can ever say that you took advantage of his mental condition etc. It is amazing what you can do when you NEED to.
After a dx, you will know what you are dealing with. Again, it could be something that can be fixed with medicines.
Bama, you are so correct in that I need to calm down so that I can function in my normal, rational, intelligent capacity. Which after 4 years of this insanity, I don't even know what normal capacity I have left. As for my wonderfu sons, I have always been the one they came to for sage advice and comfort. And, for some reason, I have been fortunate enough to always prove to them Mom has all the solutions and Mother Knows Best. DH has always been jealous of that issue too. But now, out of spite, he has even tried to turn one of my sons against me. Fortunately for me, he has had no success with that. He also knows my other son is way too savy for his BS. But please know I will most certainly take your advice and not try to bite off more than I can chew, one day at a time.
LFL--Believe me when I say I most certainly recall your correspondence with me. If I told you what happened to me in December regarding DH throwing me to a tile floor and knocking me unconscious, you wouldn't believe it. I cringe just thinking about it. My son, who lives nearby, raced to our home when my husband called him in a panic because he couldn' wake me, and my son, thinking I was dead on the floor, then attaked him in front of the police. If you knew the particulars of that night, you would be amazed.
Two years ago, I had him sign and notarize an agreement stating if he didn't go and complete a 26 week Anger Management Class, change his abuse to me, he would sign the house over to me. Guess What, he attended 5 classes and dropped out because he wasn't like the others in his group. HAH!!! So, exactly one year to the date of the notarized agreement, after continual emotional and physical abuse, I had him sign the house over to me. He had no other choice because I had my sons witness the signed agreement at the time, listen to all his empty and broken promises; and since they knew all he did to me during that following year, he had enough dignity to give me the house to show his sons what a good guy he is. But he is savy enough to tell anyone who will listen to his bravado today, how he GAVE me the house out of the goodness of his heart. What a guy, they all think without knowing the particulars of the agreement what a great guy he is. I know I am ranting right now and I do so apologize. But I'm sorry, I just can't fully accept he is so dam brain-damaged towards me and yet can schmooze everyone else..... unless there is a very vital part of his brain that is definitely functioning........better than mine, I might add. Again, I apologize for my emotions on this site. Call it desperation, call it agony, call it anger and extreme bitterness----call it whatever it seems, all I can say is I am totally and completely heartbroken. Personally, I don't think it is AZ, I do believe it could be MCI, that frontel temporal thingee, maybe even vascular dementia--but whatever it is --- I'm the only one who is being dealt this treatment. I know many of you have said he does it to me because he knows I love him. Well, in my present, emotional state right now, the love has become very minimal And furthermore, if he refuses to go for testing, how do I know he just isn't a man going through mid-life changes, fueled by pure selfishness???? Yes, I know this is a complete personality change, but with such pinpoint attacks directed only to me, it makes it very suspicious. Again, I so apologize to all of you dear people reading my ranting. But I have never, ever said so much to anyone before. Gina
Gina, for a long time the AD patient is a master at covering up his problems. It is extremly frustrating! Mine was a master. He could hold it together for several hours around others...then when they left he would explode. He had been dx'd so I knew what it was, but still hurt me so much.
Later, they can no longer cover up in front of others.
No matter what type of dementia they have...the symptoms are very much alike...and can be helped with meds. That is what you need for him. A dx and good meds.
Oh, Granny, what do I do when he is so high-functioning enough to pull off the charade???? And he refuses to go for a dx??? Do I just assume it is a brain illness when he demonstrates more congnizance than my brilliant mind could ever conger up???? The fact of it all comes down to he won't go for testing, and and because of the absence of that pertinent fact, I find it difficult to blindly accept it is brain illness. In either event, I'm caught between the horns of a dilemma. And if I'm going to suffer the loss and lonliness of a 42 year marriage gone horribly bad....at this point in time, I think I would rather do it with some dignity, sanity, lack of more physical and emotional harm, not to mention the humiliation he has rained down on me in public...... and remove myself from the equation. Hell, what do I have to lose....more emotional and physical abuse continually and close up????? Yes, he may have loved me once, just as I loved him too. But just maybe....when it's over, it's over. Sure, it is much easier for me to say right now in my confused and emotional state. But trust me when I say it hurts more than anything short of losing my sons. But until and unless I get a dx, I just can't believe someone who is so high=functioning doesn't know what he's doing to his wife of 42 years. He's just too high functioning for me to believe, without proof, that it isn't something just as diabolical as the midlife crisis and pure selfishness. But thank you so very much for trying to give me assistance ahd insight. Gina
gina--if you have to, look ast it this way. He can aim at you, unload on you BECAUSE he knows he can. He knows how you react. He can't know that about anyone else and he certainly doesn't wabnt to call an unknown down on his head. Before my DH was Dxd with his mental Ilklness and long before Vascular Dementia was on the radar, we were having marital issues. I wanted us to go for some counseling. He refusedbutsaid I coulkd--after all it was my problems we were dealing with. Sound like a fanmilar scenario?
I went. The counselor suggested something which at first rubbed me the wrong way, but I finally, reluctantly tried it. Instead of reacting, I took a bit of time and then responded. When I responded, differently than my reactions had been, he had to change his response to me. What others have said--don't argue. And keep the thought in your head that no matter what he says--you know what's true. Originally the thought of changing how I responded rubbed wrong--why should I have tochange when he was in the wrong? The answer is twofold: because I want the situation to improve and because I can. He cannot.
Right now you're harboring a lot of hurt and resentment, which is natural, but to to effectively change things you have to set that aside as much as possible and work on getting your legal and financial situation in order, and get him Dxd. Perhaps even starting with your PCP (give him a heads up) when you both go for checkups, or flu shots. He, hopefully could see enough to refer him for a check with as "Specialist" to verify a suspect condition. Let your sons know your trying and they may be able to help get him there. Maybe a fiblet, that you've been notified of a problem in the family health history which needs checking out, because of heredity issues. WHATEVER works.
Gina _ We WILL bear with you, we know what you are going thru, and we are trying to guide you on a path that none of us wanted to travel. If I sound harsh, it's because Alz - or whatever condition your DH has - is harsh and it will likely get worse. We cannot make a diagnosis, we can only tell you from our pesonal experience how to protect yourself and care for him as best you can. One day at a time, Gina, one thing at a time, no one learned it all in one day and we all look back and say, 'I wish I knew then what I know now.' You've had some super advice from others. Cull it out, make a list, take a pill if you have to in order to calm down. Talk to your doctor about yourself, a good doctor will be concerned about a family caregiver.
Remember, too, that your sons are losing their father. I didn't consider what my children were losing, I was so involved in my own loss. Thankfully your boys are grown, as mine were, but the loss was still there for them and it was years before I realized that. Rant all you want, we'll keep you on track. He is frightened, he fears being abandoned, and he is not always as high functioning as you may think--it's just one more thing we don't want to acknowledge.
Darest Gina, I am so very sorry for the violence and betrayal you had to endure; I know it will never truly leave you. I believe you are in a truly difficult stage-you are bewildered as to why a man you have loved and have shared a life with for so many years can do what he's doing without a reasonable explanation. This is the hardest stage when you don't know the man you're married to and why he's doing what he's doing. This is the stage they manipulate you in all kinds of ways and take everything out on you because they know you love them. I referred to this stage as I was "the person he loved to hate". I have given you the advice I think is best for you; but I really want is to make sure you are safe and okay. Whatever I can do to help, I will. You will decide what you need to do when you are ready.
One way to handle problems is to do the easiest first. So list the things that have been suggested and assign priorities to them. Perhaps seeing an elderlaw attorney would be a good place to start--easier than getting your husband to get a diagnosis. Or maybe going to your doctor and getting a prescription for something to calm you--you decide what is the easiest to do. I understand how in the beginning, this is overwhelming because it affects every aspect of your life. Looking back, though, I was able to get through it by taking on one piece at a time.
Right on Marilyn. And fight panic. What doesn't get done today, will be waiting when you get to it----unfortunately. You'll also find as you start getting hold of things, you'll feel better and more in control of your life. Baby steps will get you there.
Carosi--you are so on target. He refused to go for counselling because, like you, it was my problem. But please know that when we had our reconciliation in April, I did all those measures. I diffused all his insane anger and then welcomed him back with love and affection. And yet, it did no bit of good. He still went for my jugular, my breaking point, on our 7 day reconcilation cruise. And then compounded that betrayl of my trust by doing much more hurtful behavior. I have spoken to my PCP who knows us for 11 years. He definitely believes there is a physical problem here that should be evaluated.
Bettyhere---who's going to take care of him???? After 4 years of pure hell, who's going to take care of me??? I know you mean well, but obviously you have a lot more patience and forgiveness now that you KNOW he has a definite illness problem. I don't have that privilege and will probably never have that knowledge in the short term. But I do admire your fortitude and kind advice, which I can tell is from your heart.
My Dear LFL, Whenever you write to me, it brings tears to my eyes. But please, please don't let that stop you from communicating with me. I do believe you have experienced much of what seems to be rare on this site describing my particular brand of abuse, both physical and emotional. OMG, you wrote "the person he loves to hate".......I couldn't have expressed it any better!!!!! Are we married to brothers???? To be honest, I am afraid of him. I have written emails to my 2 sons, my wonderful DIL and my best friend stating that if anything happens to me, tell the police it was my husband. And trust me when I say I have good reason for being so precautious. Several years ago, we went on many cruises each year, each one ending in disaster. And everyone close to me would be warned before we left===don't let him tell anyone I FELL overboard. Everyone laughed, but since then and what I have suffered, they are no longer laughing and they all forbid me to put myself in harm's way any more. I feel like I am living a LIFETIME MOVIE. But aside from the commercials, there is no end in sight. LFL, you have my most heartfelt appreciation for offering whatever I need for help. At this point, I just don't know where to begin.
Marilynin MD--Well I am currently in possession of Xanax, which I really try not to abuse in view of the fact that it can be habit forming. My DIL wants me to go on antidepressants, which I am reluctant to do. You were so right in your advice though, that was the easiest thing for me to do. Now for the more involved stuff which right now I don't feel mentally equipped to tackle yet. But I definitely see the wisdome of what you advise, and I will take one piece at a time.
Gina, I am so sorry for all you are going through. Contrary to what you may have been led to believe, it is the majority of us here who have had to suffer the mental anguish you describe. The person he loves to hate- is just one variant of saying what most of us have said. My poor husband escalated to physical abuse. I am able to NOW say "my poor husband" because he is now late stage and the pain of the earlier stages were so long ago, another life time it seems.
While living in the hell of the torment I was more focused on me and the pain that was being inflicted upon me. This is natural. Once you get a diagnoses, the pain doesn't just magically disappear. It still hurts immensely. It took YEARS for me to get to where I am today. We each have had to work our way through that awful time in our journeys and are offering to help you in any way we can. No one is judging you here Gina, I hope you know that. We have had many of your feelings and we can sympathize with you. I certainly can, and to this day it is still like a knife to the heart when I think back on it all......
Personally I do think a diagnosis is vital, medications aren't magic, but they sure can help improve symptoms and behaviors! It took forever to get him diagnosed; he was well into stage 5 by that time. I never dreamed of leaving Lynn, I knew he was sick whether he was diagnosed or not. But that is me..... you need to do what is best for YOU. I would never judge your decision. I would worry about you having to live with regret or guilt "later" But you know yourself better than anyone!! Best advice I was ever given...follow your heart ♥
My heart aches for the pain I know you are in..... I wish there was something more I could do.... ((hugs))
Dear Nikki, I so appreciate your taking the time to sit and write so many words of understanding and compassion. Please tell me how you dealt with the physical abuse, not to mention the worst humiliating emotional abuse too. I just can't seem to move on when I am once again faced with the same behavior. Maybe if he didn't seem so normal otherwise, I could feel some comfort in believing it really is the illness that is causing this heartbreaking behavior. How long did it take for your DH to reach Stage 5??? I've already expressed that maybe when DH becomes further along, he will be easier to convince to go for a dx. I really do believe that knowing it is actually caused by an illness makes it more palitable, but I can't even confirm such information at this point......and so I feel really lost. As for living with regret or guilt later, I concur that it would be an awful burden to bear; but as you stated.....only I can make the wisest decision and follow my heart when I have all the facts to consider and weigh. And, Nikki, you have done so much for me already and for that you have my heartfelt appreciation.
Gina--look into the finances closely, especially if your husband has had control of them in the past. If you have a financial advisor, talk to that person and see if they have noticed any changes in your husband's investment style or judgment. IF it is dementia, handling money is a skill that is lost early on and no matter how well the patient can compensate socially, they simply can not fake the higher-level skills required to keep track of investments, use reason to make decisions, etc. This is such a big problem in the financial industry (and many financial advisors just look the other way when they suspect it is happening) that there is talk of tightening up the requirements for financial advisors in terms of liability if a change in mental status of a client is suspected.
You may want to Google "executive function dementia" and see if anything sounds familiar. Executive function refers to planning and organization skills in the brain, and is often affected early on when dementia is present.
Gina, when physical abuse is happening, you might consider calling 911. This would let him know he has a serious problem, and possibly prompt some medical intervention. Others on this site have had to call 911 in fear. Might be something to consider.
Grannywhiskers - that was my thought: she may have to call the police in to intervene. It may take a choice of jail or doctor to get him to go.
gina - we all have to go through the process. I am very fortunate, for now, in that the diagnosis was not unexpected and he was very accepting of it. I am holding onto the belief that he will not be like your husband and so many here because his dad and sister were not violent in their AD journey. But, it is still a process to accept and learn how to deal with their ever changing brain and behavior. I apologize a lot, not because it makes a difference to him cause he forgets, but because it release stress in me. I read the threads here for months before I felt 'comfortable' in understanding the best one can.
As others have said - give yourself time, give yourself a break, take care of yourself and protect yourself. Get to an elder attorney and protect yourself and your assets. Go on an anti-depressant if you need it.
Vent all you want here - others have before you and others will after you. That is why we are here. It is a safe place and there are those who have experienced what you are going through with the violence and abuse who will be here to help you not feel so alone. And they will share what worked for them and then you will have more knowledge to find what works for you.
I think that is what we all do here: listen and then find what combination will work for us.