I arrived at 2 am in the SF bay area. Staying at my stepson's house while he is on vacation. My plan was/is to check out further the ALF we liked when we were here in June and to explore possibilities of both DH and I somehow spending more time in this area by renting out our house in Northwest AR. i extended my trip to 18 days so that I could get some rest and enjoy some time alone and this fabulous area which was my home for 22 years and from which I Have been away from for so long.
however, I didn't expect to feel so sad and lonely. i felt like crying before the plane landed. getting ready for the trip was exhausting as it always is trying to get things done whrn you live with AD. There are problems with the house we have on the market in VA and feedback is price too high even though it is $50K less than we paid for it in 2005, I can't even make myself call the realtor back. we do so much for our LO to make sure they are as happy as possible. rushed out to get all his favorite foods and the in home helper is taking him out to hear music today and will make sure she does what she can so he feels cared for. my step son was gracious to allow me to stay here but when I arrived to an empty condo the contrast was overwhelming. I wish I had called 800 flowers and had them put a Welcome To CA Terry banner with baloons over the door and left a fruit basket for me. Stepson left a helpful note I asked him to on how to work tv but ......"pity party alert!!!.......I want to feel welcome, cared about.
The loneliness is overwhelming. i miss DH's presence even though he cannot provide the cared for feeling for me...this is hell. i know i have to brush myself off get up get out and create things for myself. stepson did text me but I slept in to remind me of farmers market today which I liked so much when we were here and I was overwhelmed that he thought of me. I feel pathetic and ashamed of myself for letting myself feel so sorry for myself.
Terry, I imagine I would feel the same way if I were to go somewhere without Lynn. Perhaps it has more to do with looking at your "future".... don't waste what little energy you have to spare on feeling ashamed and pathetic!!! You aren't and we all need our turn on the pity pot from time to time. I hope you can try to squash those feelings and get out and enjoy yourself! ((big hugs))
Nikki, thanks. I am about to get over this pity party. it is not just missing dH, it is being assaulted by the fact that no one is going to make me feel welcomed or cared about or loved except me. wishing that were different and wallowing in depression because it is what is is is not going to change a thing. partly sleep deprived, exhausted, and just learned I forgot to have power electricity transferred on the house we are selling in VA so been online trying to get that done for past 45 minutes.
there is a Unitarian church here (i am long time UU) I had been looking forward to attending tomorrow morning. i am going to force myself to get out of this condo and get there. their service topic is on Wendell Berry so Maybe that's a sign I need to spend time in nature. There is a Japanese garden I like just minutes from here. pity party ends by midnight!
Terry. .. I don't think any of us are compelled to feel the slightest bit guilty for how we all feel . . There is such a continuum of feeling sad to feeling anger to feeling lonely. . I think the most common feeling shared by all of us is when we let ourselves think that there is no one who knows how we feel or what we are going through. . .Trying to be happy and normal in a group of people while thinking.. . "If any of these people really knew what I am going through". . But then, you'd have to explain it and where do you even start??. . .My hope is that you find some strength in your time away. .
Terry, remember that you are bone tired and exhausted! When our bodies are like that...it is very hard to cope woth just about everything. Be sure and get lots of rest while you can.
Terry--Is that the Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park? One of my favorite places. Nature always helps me cope, so much. Go to the garden, the church and then spend some money on yourself--great shopping in SF.
It is so hard Terry.... I told my Mom, it isn't "just" that I am continuously losing someone I love deeply.... I am also losing someone who loved me greatly, who was ALWAYS there for me no matter what!!!........ I miss that……..
UPDATE: GOOD NEWS! Grannywiskers, you are so right that exhaustion and sleep deprivation along with the stress of everything in the past 48 hours contributed to my feelings.
Marilyn, Japanese Garden I mentioned is a little one just walking distance from here next to a wonderful Senior Center where I took DH to explore when we were here in June. They kept talking to me about how much my "DAD" might like this or that. I was glad then his hearing is so bad.
So, I got myself up and out to Trader Joe's which is half a mile away. We don't have one anywhere near where we live now. First thing that brightened me up actually was when I was getting ready to go out first thing I noticed was MY RED TOENAILS! So I did do something for myself after all. Hadn't painted my toenails since DX but was going to be wearing opened toed shoes so RED they are. Amazing how little it takes to cheer me up.
Then, at Trader Joe's (did I mention it is less than 1/2 mile away???) a woman got a grocery cart for herself out of the line and then I started to move to get one and she GAVE ME HERS. I stopped myself from telling her I had just been complaining that no one does anything for me but thankfully realized I would sound INSANE.
Then I bought food for the next several days, things I like or think I might like. I can't remember shopping for food or anything without focussing on DH and his likes. This was quite fun. Buying food for one is so much cheaper I bought a lot more organic than I might have otherwise. Pardon me, just got up to plaate up some Fresh Shrimp Spring Rolls with peanut sauce. Wow, it's good. Don't know what to have next, perhaps some Chicken Channa Masalla, curried chicken salad, chicken salad with rosemary and apricots. For sure I am going to have one of the California peaches I loved so much when here in June. I was about to buy a loaf of bread when I realized there is only ME and it might go to waste so got a mini Ciabatta which I don't remember having before and some Naan.
So when I return home to step son's condo I notice a woman who reminds me of the woman who gave me her cart which started me thinking how things were looking better and I grateful I was for that. When I got inside the building and to my door that woman and a man were about to go into their condo right across the hall from stepson's door. I saw she had Trader Joe bags too and she looked at mine and we started laughing. So, we start talking, she and her husband have lived in this building on ly 3 weeks. I told her DH and I had been here in June and that I was exploring possibilities of possibly moving out here for awhile. I said I had noticed there were units for sale. The couple I saw were priced around $100-110K which used to be shocking for this area. In fact stepson has lost quite a bit from when he bought they were more than twice that. This place is right down the street from the ALF I like so much.
Anyway, I told her I wanted to see the units for sale and/or rent while I'm here and she produced her card. She's a realtor! Never before been happy to meet a realtor. So she said she would show me what was for sale and the neighborhood while I'm here. Whoa......I think this woman is my guardian angel!!!!
So....thanks for hanging in with me. I can't wait to see what happens next! Who would have believed I would be saying that after my post earlier today. The morale being.....just wait......it will change.....sometimes for the worse.....but occasionally for the better!
I have been reading your post tonight and am so glad things have began to look better for you. Enjoy your time, relax and get ready to go for future rounds when you get home. You know it is coming with this horrible disease. Now is the time for you mentally and physically. Take it...... God Bless you and hope you have a great visit and experience........
Nikki, I appreciate your point, 4 posts up. So true. About how you're losing someone to whom you are of paramount importance. Because when that's gone...and you can feel it coming...you're just sort of like, "ok, what am I here for?"
It undoubtedly helps for me that I have great children, but we know that while we are important to our children, they are living lives and forging their own ties. We are, much as they might still like us, kind of finished in that regard.
This whole situation has helped me think of my mother with new eyes. We lost my dad to Parkinson's in '09. Mom is 76 next month and very healthy and active, but she must like me have that sense of not being an essential component of anyone's equation anymore.
Emily, your post was fantastic! So refreshing that someone actually understands what I am trying to say. To quote Lynn " you are my whole world" and I knew he meant it. And now, well I am just another person lost in that whole world. *sigh
Things fell apart Tuesday early evening when I got a frantic call from his young caregiver who is 24/7 at our house with DH while I am to be away until the 30th checking out ALFs and possible rentals for us to move here (think I must have already said this, going a little nuts right now) to be near his son and with anticipation of eventual placement in closeby ALF.
She was hysterical. DH started banging on her bedroom door (she had her 18 month old daughter in bed in the room which she had my permission to do occasionally) and shouting "You f......ing bitch. Get out of my house. Get out now. Stop touching my stuff.....you put something on my Ipad...." On and on and worse. Can't stand to go into all the details now but she was afraid and he seemed he was about to hit her. He was upstairs "stomping around" when she called me and I told her to take her daughter out the downstairs door and quietly LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Poor thing ..... she had called her mother (nurse who is the intake nurse for the agency) who told her the same thing but she told me she was afraid he would hurt himself. I repeated she must always think of her daughter and herself first. So she left.
Long story short. After much discussion, explaining and calling police, ambulance and hospital an ambulance came with police officer and took him to the emergency room. I was arranging all this to happen while pulled over to the side of the road as her call came in while I was driving around looking at housing possibilities.
It was a nightmare of logistics but the next day he was taken with my agreement to a place recommended by the hospital social worker and his local doctor (tiny town we leave in) for "symptom/medication management."
I am too exhausted to go into all the issues I'm having right now but I have answered the same questions over and over by different people over two days. Today a social worker from the unit asked me what were my plans for when he left. I thought they would be keeping him until I got back on the 30th as everyone involved in the transfer were aware of that. She made it sound like they might not and wanted to know where I wanted him to go, etc. etc. She said something to the effect "This is an acute care facility for acute problems. If after the assessment on Tuesday there is nothing further we can do for the "acute" problem we can't just keep him here longer term until you get back. This was very disturbing as the social worker at the emergency room hospital made the point that this kind of temporary admissions can result in setbacks which is why she wanted to get him in the best place possible and wanted to make sure I understood that. SO HAVING HIM GO FROM THAT PLACE TO A NURSING HOME (which would just be until I return because I can't now get a caregiver for him due to his aggression) would certainly result in a deteriorization and possibly even aggravation of his condition.
So......my sister (a psych nurse) told me that she thinks this was a "discharge social worker/utilization review" and her comments were geared to find out whether or not this could be paid for. It did come up in conversation that he had Medicare and also Blue Cross, but she didn't begin the conversation with that question.
I'm exhausted.....have a call into original social worker from hospital and will be calling the facility where he is now tomorrow morning for clarification. God this sucks. Oh, I liked the doctor who called me last evening and talked to me for 45 minutes or so. He didn't say anything about time frame but knows I am out here looking at one particular ALF which is dementia only. I told him that was for the future. He said "The future is now and if I don't place him soon they might not take him." So....I am adjusting my thinking on timeframe but certainly can't get him from half way across country out to here upon a discharge of next week. I really don't want to have to cut my trip short as it will make making the arrangements here so much more difficult. Catch 22 which is what I told the person who called today who by the way told me twice "to relax."
Terry how horrible!!! WOW, I don't know what to say. This kind of horror story is exactly why I haven't taken any kind of "vacation" in way too many years. I am just too afraid something would happen and I wouldn't be there to try to help him. I imagine you must be going stir crazy! I hope you are able to explore the place you want soon in case you do need to go back early to help him out. Were they able to settle him down? I hope so! I also hope they are able to work something out so they are able to keep him until you are able to get back. Will be thinking of you both!!
Thanks Nikki, but feel the need to say this is not a vacation. (i feel like i will never have one after this). I came out here to revisit the ALF and look into others and try to find options for us to live close by here near his son. I did really hope i would be able to have take some time to enjoy it out here and as i mentioned i really enjoyed meeting people at church Sunday but because of this tying me up on the phone so much I've already missed the two activities i had planned there.
Tomorrow i will visit the ALF which is just down the street from his son who is on a real vacation in Mexico and see about getting him in there very soon for a respite month or two just to make sure we like it as much as it seems we might.
the social worker today said DH was confused (uh he has AD I want to shout!) but cordial, being very social and just having a good ole time! Yesterday the three different people who called asking the same questions said he was irritable and on verge of losing his temper. iam glad he is notfighting this but he has always liked the attention of people in hospitals or docyors offices, not what you hear about most husbands.
terry--Regarding the discharge from the acute care hospital, this was my experience earlier this week: Steve was discharged earlier than I had been told by the doctor and social workers at the geripsych unit. It is all about whether Medicare will continue to pay, and the person who makes that decision is in the business office. She was adamant that he was no longer receiving medical care, and so my choice was: come and pick him up with very little advance notice, or pay privately. Medicare and our supplemental insurance had been paying well over $1,000/day during his last stay, and I presume the private pay rate would be higher since Medicare pays less than what they bill. However, I was informed that there is an appeals process re Medicare, and I could leave him in the unit and go that route. They did say that the appeals are usually unsuccessful, because the hospital is already liberal in how long they keep the patients (and I believe that). Perhaps the acute care hospital is talking about sending Hal out because of the same issue with Medicare coverage.
Because of a "mixup" (I am being polite here) with the original ALF I had selected, I had to find a substitute in only a few hours. Fortunately, I was able to do that and found an even better facility. With only a few days under our belts at this point, he has NOT declined regarding behaviors (I was also told that would happen.) And since you have said Hal likes attention, etc., don't assume that he would decline either. It is not a given.
I understand the doctor's comment about placing him while a facility will take him. Before the geripsych admission, Steve's neuro told me I must place him upon discharge rather than bringing him home. Initially, I thought he phrased it that way to give me the push to do it. Now I realize, that was only part of it, and when a "challenging" patient is involved, it is important for the placement to happen when the meds have been adjusted and the patient is compliant and calm. Families take a risk by waiting for a future time because of the real uncertainties that the disease poses. I am glad that the folks at the ALF will get to know Steve while his meds are in sync and if things deteriorate in the future, hopefully they will have a handle on how to help him.
So sorry things played out this way for you--keep us posted.
DH released from geripsych today to my sister who drove him the hour to our place and can stay with him until I arrive tomorrow evening. then ironically she flies out here to the bay area where she works 2 weeks a month as a visiting nurse. we had planned on spending some time together here in CA before I returned on 30th. this is a new experience for me. No one in my family has ever helped before and I was almost pathetically grateful, but she can give only a couple days so I had to fork over $800 for a trip back ASAP. the "medication management" i thought I was getting was a prescription for Trazadone and ELIMINATING the Depakote which was the only thing I thought was helping. No one bothered to tell me any of this they were too busy trying to find out what i wanted them to do with him when they discharged him Monday.
this trip has been a nightmare with the few moments of joy at being here after looking forward to this so long feeling like cruel torture just show me a glimpse of what getting even bits of a normal life again. in fact it tops my "respite from hell" to Richmond in March. Morale here: don't try to get away? Inow I return to a far far worse situation than I left. The helper DH so verbally and nearly physically attacked was there every day 10-4 before I left. I felt almost normal while she was there and happy just to be able to get work done on our finances, insurance and such.
So now back tomorrow from paradise at 75 here to 107 degree weather (how appropriate for AD hell), no caregiving help even though his LTC policy will pay for 24-7. took the agency forever to come up with her and i have had a request in for eve and wkend help for months. she wont come back at all and cant say as i blame her. I will always remember her smiles and kindness toward dH and my dogs she continued to care for even after he was taken away. She felt like the daughter I always wish I had.
so here i sit my last night in the bay area and i did not accomplish the goal of getting things started with the ALF or finding a place for us to live close by, or stealing a few days of personal time to reconnect with my old home of 22 years. I was really proud of myself for picking myself up after being knocked down almost constantly in my attempts to have a life of sorts again while at the same time doing right by DH. it all seemed just within grasp just like all the plans I made earlier this year to move to Richmond seemed for a time. but during this trip I lowered the asking price to less than 75k than we paid in 2005 and am seriously consiferi
i hate this rollercoaster! My mother used to tell me in my 20s that I would lse my elasticit someday and notbe able to bounce back so readily.....referring to my more volstile younger years. I don't know if I have nother bounce bck in me.
So tomorrow evening we regress back to the days of no help, but this time he can not left alone. Tomorrow at church was an all singing service. i used to sing in an interracial gospel choir and miss it so much...I so wanted to go...sorry nearly the end of my pity party here. Guess this is one caged bird who won't be singing any time soon.
Terry I too am sorry to hear how things are unfolding. How great that your sister helped you out. Is there any way you could contiue the process with the ALF via phone? I hope you are able to find a different agency who wll send you over an aide or two.
I don't go anywhere Terry. I know that feeling truly normal for a while even though it recharges my batteries - is a net negative because when I come back and have to fit into the tiny stressful role I have - it's not worth it for me so I just stay here. I'm pretty sure I don't have more than another year to go before my wife's condition pretty much mandates I put her into a nursing home or take on that last stage where they're bedridden.
None of us should ever feel badly about a pity party. We are as valuable a human being as our spouse and it is prejudice to value their suffering more than ours. I would call that hypocritical or a sign of personality damage. "That person is more valuable than I am." No. They're not.
What we are asked to face is probably outlawed as torture by the Geneva convention on humane treatment of prisoners. And we are prisoners of this. So let 'er rip.
Wolf...you are so right. I feel numb, almost as though in shock. so I surrender...AD has won. I have no more fight in me right now, just despair as acceptance seeps in.
I was so sorry to hear your trip exploded. When I first read your beginnings part of this I was so saddened and then it seem things were looking up. And then the melt down. OMG the worst nightmare!!! I had a respite weekend 3 years ago and Hubby got injured, time zone, hospitals and doctors .....nothing close to yours and a trip meant for rest wasn't. Once the numbness, shock and exhaustion and time zone steady......you will be back to fight. You are the "harvest" On my Terry name card some one gave me it reads "They will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles" you will .....your a Terry :)
I am now locked in house with DH who is deteriorating. He called his sister and said he was in jail for 2 days and then in a little place with a nice doctor but where he hadno room to walk. here's some humor on this situation:
the blood tests his PCP (i have replaced him with geriatrician at a center an hour from here but he was the only doctor they could reach) did in the original ER showed high levels of alcohol and mentioned to DH that he had been drinking and would have to stop. well DH told my sister and his sister and me that he was furious about that because he had been putting rubbing alcohol on his chigger bites so that is why his blood tests showed alcohol in his system!!!!! (p s DH was a PhD Chemist with major accomplishments). he is sticking to that story.
On a not so funny note, I called the geriatrician who I never could get through to while I was in CA because their phones were out of order and told them I need an emergency appointment. They said soonest would be in September!!! I told them his medication had been changed by the doctor at the geripsych place and he was acting manic and that I took him off the Trazadone and put him back on the Depacote but that I had no expertise to figure out his meds until Sept. Then receptionist came back and said they could get him in with a nurse practitioner on FRIDAY!!! After i got mad and said a lot of this happened because we could not reach them and that i didnt know if we could cope until Friday she put me on hold for several minutes and then said she was going to squeeze me in with his doctor tomorrow at 10AM. She said "i think he needs to be seen by his own doctor.". It sounded to me like she was making this decision on her own.
The good news is his sister who lives across the country has been wonderful to me saying I had done all anyone could humanly be expected to do and that he needs to be tranquilized and placed soon. it was the first time I have had any praise from a relative of his or mine for that matter. She has seen AD in a relative so understands more than the rest.
more good news. The ALF i was so impressed with Oak Creek in Castro Valley, Ca, has space for DH to come in for respite with a view toward permanent placement. the woman I talked to was calm and reassuring and gave me step by step instructions on what to do and get from doctor tomorrow including a required TB test. she emailed me many forms with clear instructions.
This place was written about in detail in Ann David's book A Curious Widow i think. i have read recently that a few of you have read this book. Ann lived with her ex-professor at Stanford in Palo Alto and could not find a place she was comfortable with until she remembered this place had been mentioned in a documentary film on AD. So she ended up driving an hour or so to place him there. This felt like a glowing recommendation. They are small with fewer than 40 beds and only take dementia patients so there is no lockdown i had been uncomfortable with. They have a vegetable garden, bird aviary, chickens, and a family of owls I was mesmerized by in the top of a palm tree. And the best part is they are within walking distance from his son's place! I would try as I was when I was there to find a place to live close by so I could bring our Bichons he loves to see him every day. oh, and get this: they actually have a resident Bichon who is there 24-7!
Another thing I liked about it is they have a monthly support group for caregivers of the residents and I attended one in June. She told me and has said in her emails since June that I had mDe an impression on those attending and I should know they ask about me and that I would have friends there.
I am afraid to hope for this but the alternative is that I give up and lie in this bed getting up to feed and medicate DH and wait to die.
keep your fingers crossed, pray, kill a chicken or whatever you believe can bring me some good luck for us.
Terry--sounds like things are falling into place--as we say so often, just keep putting one foot in front of the other until the respite happens. I'm not superstitious but will keep you in my thoughts (you gave me a smile with the "kill a chicken").
Marilyn, yep i am putting one foot in front of other as I continue working through this web of torture. Have to fight for every appointment and have accomplished getting papers faxed from Oak Creek, partially signed by doctor (3 hours driving), went to hospital for required tb xray and have to drive another 3 hours tomorrow to have dr sign off on that. Her office said she could not possibly do that as she was too booked so i told them we are going. To. Be there at 9am and just wait. I guess i could threaten reception to leave him there while I finish getting medical records from the geripsych place. That might persuade them to put the form in doctor's face while she walks hall between appointments. The doctor knows i need sig immediately.
AND my relationship with the caregiver who was here has turned into another pain. Too tired to go into some of the things she did.....unbelievable. When i can i will start a thread on why not to have 24-7 help in home when you go away.
When i finally get DH placed I am going to hospital myself to get the I AM A SUCKER tatoo removed from my forehead!
Today my phone starts ringing about auto payments not going through out of our checking account. then I get a call for the company that checks on fraud for our bank. they asked me about a charge made on the 18th they didnt think I made. Dont jnow why they waited until 27th to call me. they were putting hold on account. i cant kmnow whetherit was caregiver but that charge was 2 days after DH was taken away and she returned to take care of dogs. there was a few tousand in that account. i cant do anything until Monday on that one. As of today it appears an out of state checking hasnt been affected so this is probably not total identity theft.
The caregiver spent $170 on groceries beginning on third day after I left having that day spent $200 filling fridge and pantry with everything they could possibly desire (a little guilt on getting away at play). She spent $90 in cash. I asked for receipts for everything and wrote RECEIPTS in bold on envelope with $200 cash and $200 in grocery gift cards! No re eipts just a lame explanation. She didnt even return the envelope she "accidently" took with her 5 days after she left and only because agency demanded she do so before they turned in her time sheets.
Turns out the agency caregiver took DH out to buy a bottle of "whiskey" the day of the episode. Early evening she told me she watched him drink a glass of it and then she went downstairs to her room with her toddler. It was a while after this that DH started banging on her door, etc etc..... I told her repeatedly he could have ONE beer a day at most.
oak Creek has agreed to take him after I faxed reports doctor just completed and others. So DH and I have reservations to fly out to CA friday morning and I want to spend weekend with him before checking him in on the following Monday.
I alternate between extreme grief at placing him before I was ready (and he wasnt ready when I left him to go to CA but has declined tremendously after being in hospital and geripsych), intense anger at the caregiver, and unbelievable stress as I keep putting one foot in front of other to get so so much done.
Oh and i saw on the news tremendous property damage around area of the house we have on market in Richmond. Too late to contact realtor but will do so tomorrow. Power out in that area and doubt people will be looking at too many houses anyway. But i had to reduce price again to $70k less than we paid for it and another $2000 mortgage payment will be deducted in a week from the checking account which has enough to cover it. I am seriously thinking of cancelling that payment and suppose this would be a default if it doesnt sell soon.
this all sucks but I just keep my mind on getting DH in for respite and trying to find a place to rent close by so I can get m.yself and his beloved dogs close by ASAP. What i will do with property here is beyond my ability to contemplate until tomorrow.
Tnks susan, i must be strong for now but i am very close to breaking down. I know i can get DH there but i feel so awful about it. He is being so good but i can tell he doesn't want to go and he seems to have forgotten this will be permanent so when i asked hin if he wanted me to explain exactly what would be happening next week i only mentioned he would be admitted for respite.
This is the second night in the past few days i have not slept at all. 1 & 1/2 xanax and i still couldnt stop crying.
The only thing that will keep me going after i place him a week from tomorrow is my promise to bring the dogs out there. He keeps saying how much he needs them and me...they gave him a journal in geripsych and he wrote that too. And he wrote that this is all his fault because he f...ed up so badly. Sheeezzzzz
Oh realtor checked the house and just w/o power but i need to hire someone to clean up yard debris.
Oh Terry, I have been thinking of you so much. I am so sorry for your trials and so glad you have gotten a good place for your dh. Once you place him you will have some breathing space to work on all the other real estate stuff etc etc etc. There is always so much to do. I have been in this whirlwind of trying to deal with the disability stuff, paperwork, insurance, paperwork, finances, paperwork. I thought it was finally coming to a slower pace when I got all my son and my insurance papers back because it was sent to wrong address.... I am getting a new agent. My dh is apparently covered, using a transfer form, because he was the principal on his policy. I started out in March being terrified, crying, tearing my hair, but after reading all of your posts, and everyone else's I became alternately terrified and calm .... knowing all of you have suffered through this longer and usu. with more grace (like you and Phranque) than I will ever have. I am glad you will be moving to SF my daughter lives near there and I love visiting her! Will you fly out or drive?
Grendelsma, we fly out early Friday. first of all Frank definitely has grace but I only have glimpses of it. just take a look at some of my posts which began in 2007 and you can see that for yourself. Oak Creek ALF is in Castro Valley which borders Hayward which is where his son lives.
The insurance stuff can be a nightmare. i started following all the claims procedures explained to me by John Hancock to meet our elimination period in Sept 2010. Then when I called and told them I would be taking a short respite which they covered even BEFORE elimination met, they told me all the paperwork the agency had been sending them for 3 months for inhome help wasn't done the way they wanted it so DH's claim had not even been approved. So I and the agency had to do everything again so stacks of paper were faxed and refaxed to various numbers they would give us......long story and thought nothing could get worse. they finally approved his claim and paid us retroactive but I didnt get that respite time until March which became my respite from hell.
See....no grace here.... where does your daughter live? Would love to meet you.