I am so afraid my dh will feel I have betrayed him when I place him in a NH. He had a rotten childhood and always said I was the first one that was truly "on his side". He is unable to communicate much at all although he can still tell me he loves me and that I am beautiful and then moments later he is threatening me. Our children are very concerned that he will make good on his threats and harm me. They are insisting that it is time he be placed. I can't stand the thought of him thinking I have given up on him or that I don't want to be bothered with him. It is so frustrating for both of us when he can't understand what I am saying nor can I understand what he wants. He is in amazing physical condition, much healthier than I. I fall apart when I think about having to leave him at the NH when he is asking to come home with me. I have gotten through so much with his AD I just can't seem to find a way to get through this next step. Many of you have already placed your DO - how did you survive it? I keep telling myself I would much rather put up with the threats and frustration than have to face not haviI am so afraid my dh will feel I have betrayed him when I place him in a NH. He had a rotten childhood and always said I was the first one that was truly "on his side". He is unable to communicate much at all although he can still tell me he loves me and that I am beautiful and then moments later he is threating me. Our children are very concerned that he will make good on his threats and harm me. They are insisting that it is time he be placed. I can't stand the thought of him thinking I have given up on him or that I don't want to be bothered with him. It is so frustrating for both of us when he can't understand what I am saying nor can I understand what he wants. He is in amazing physical condition, much healthier than I. I fall apart when I think about having to leave him at the NH when he is asking to come home with me. I have gotten through so much with his AD I just can't seem to find a way to get through this next step. Many of you have already placed your DO - how did you survive it? I keep telling myself I would much rather put up with the threats and frustration than have to face not having him here with me. The kids tell me "it is time" and they are not backing down. His name is at the top of a list for a lovely facility about 10 minutes from home, it came to the top once and because I was not well they allowed me to turn down the bed while keeping him at the top of the list. Next bed available he has to take or go off the list. Should he then need placement it could well be an hour or more away at a lesser facility. My head tells me placing him now is the price I must pay to get the facility I want him to be in, my heart screams NO!
RJ--this doesn't answer your question, but the first thing that popped into my mind is--has he been medicated regarding the threatening behaviors? If so, and it hasn't been successful, then I can understand your wanting to place him. You didn't mention the physical demands of caregiving as a reason, so I am presuming it is mostly the psychological issues that are the problem. If you have been taking care of him for a long time, I can also understand that being a reason for placement, as well. I guess I'm thinking we need a little more information on your situation.
RJ do the meds not work, will he not take them? If the meds will not work, then you do not have alot of options but to place him. Your safety should come first.
He has been on excelon for two years, ciprolex for a year, and memantine for a year. Recently Quetiapine was added. Still trying to get the dosage right 25 mg knocks him right out. 12.5 sometimes controls the anger, sometimes does not.
i have rhumatoid arthritus and am cannot be the workmate I used to be. He of course cannot understand and is constantly telling me I do nothing but sit on my backside, from there the anger escalates. I fell and fractured my pelvis in two places a couple of months ago although that was not discovered until I had limped around on two canes in a lot of pain for about 8 weeks. The last ten days have been spent in a wheelchair. My kids see me as totally frail at this time, although I do not feel it. I am 68 and he is 77. They are so afraid he will hurt me. He hit me once 13 months ago, but in hind-sight I goaded him into it. He said "I should hit you" and I replied "go ahead" I learned then to difuse the issue not confront.
he is in a day program four days a week, and most often when he is home he is out in the garden for hours and hours on end. Always a work-aholic he continues to work most of the daylight hours. He is now making some very unwise decisions in the garden, destroying that which we worked years to build. One day came home from day care and ripped all the water lillies out of the pond, cutting them off flush with the top of their pots. I think he was trying to get rid of the string algae. Cut the top 15 feet off a five year old oak tree and so on. Kids feel this type of thing proves his judgement is off to the point where he might carry through on his threats to harm me. One day when I was trying to explain the new large paper bags we are to use for recycling yard waste, he pointed to a saw and told one son "maybe I should cut her up and put her in the bag" I can understand their concern, but he is still so functional in so many ways: eating, dressing, personal care, helping with the dishes, taking the garbage out.
his psychiatrist when told of the specific treat mentioned above said he did not feel it was time to place him that his medication could be adjusted to controll the agression Kids are afraid for me, and want him placed.
This whole issue is wearing me down as surely as the disease itself!
RJ you are at a very difficult decision phase. in your current health condition i dont see how you can possibly continue care for your husband with him more mobile than yourself. from the outside looking in at first observation i would tend to agree with your kids that it may be time to start looking towards placement regardless he is more high functioning or not. ANY threats must be taken with consequences when we are dealing with dementia of any stages in my opinion. we see it time and time again mild mannered people who never hurt a fly or raised their voices to us, turn on us in a heartbeat and can be violent. many have said the spouse is one who sets them off not a particular instance. a vocal threat is just as serious as we have no clue what goes on in their minds and how disturbed they can be at times. meds or no meds, maybe like some of the others his dr could get him into a geripsyche unit or hospital to iron out the medicines to keep him more complacent if you are going to try to keep him home. the psychiatrist does not see or live with him daily. we are the ones who know how they act and we also need to remember if our health or wellbeing is threatened keeping them home wont work. a factured pelvis or any broken bone for that matter is fragile to begin with and any push or shove or hit could send you into realtime health issues. it may be time to sit and listen with your children and get their opinions since they are the ones who worry. sometimes placement really doesnt have any options. so sorry you are going thru this rotten part of the disease. divvi
RhondaJill--It doesn't have to be all or nothing. How about trying a respite stay at a facility (whatever length you are comfortable with) until you recover from your fractures. When you are stronger, then you can decide whether you want to bring him home or keep him in a facility, based also on whether the medications for aggression have been successful. And you should get rid of things like saws pronto!!!! If you are concerned about provoking anger, let your children be the ones to address it. After what he said about cutting you up (whether he was joking or not), I can understand why they are concerned.
Marilyn, I asked for respite some time ago and the first I could book is October!!! - no help at all! Yes we got rid of saws and even hid the kitchen knives and sissors. Our son did it, I was afraid it would cause a problem, but he didn't even seem to notice and it is a couple of weeks ago now.
Thanks Divvi, I have read soooooo many of your wise posts, I really appreciate what you had to say. All three children are adamant that it is time, although they say they will continue to support whatever decision I make. It was good to get your opinion as a spouse who has been on his horrid journey. I keep thinking the kids cannot possibly know the heartache a spouse feels, it is so different when it is a parent.Thanks again. RJ
My name is Paula. My husband passed away 1 1/2 weeks ago and 40 minutes. I know how your feeling, I was there last year. I kept saying the same things you are saying. How Can I do this to him, He won't like it, He still tells me he loves me, etc, etc, etc. I listened to the doctors, and I am so glad I did. It was very tough I don't want to hide that. When I was there to visit of course he wanted to come home. But there is a few things you need to remember.
The care you can give him is not enough for one person. He will start to wander and if he gets lost , and you know for sure, he will not know how to get back, you would feel more horrible then than you do now. My doctors told me this and that is why I took a deep breath and did it. It takes about 3 weeks for a patient to get used to any facility. You have to think of it differently now. It's not the idea of what he or you want, it is what's better and safer for him. It's all a about his safety. If you can think of it that way, it will give you more strength. They can't figure this out anymore, but we can. We love them and for that reason he needs to be protected by professionals who in turn will get to know him and love him also. I promise you, it will be better for him and for you. If ever you want me to talk to you about anything just title it Paula I have a question , I'll be there.