Tomorrow I take my husband to a baseball game, he loves baseball, played third base up until he was 35. Our son will join us. Our son has abandoned us in this journey of Alz. My husband loves and adores his son. He blames his not being around on his wife, partially true. Anyway tomorrow I will HAVE to be pleasant and nice, kind and gracious. This is important to Rick, but I want to smack the crap out of my son. I don't believe I can ever forgive him and that weighs heavy on my heart. I know longer ask him for help. I aid Rick in keeping contact with him. To see Rick smile with joy when our son calls ( hardley ever ) or gives him a 5 min visit every 6 months.......it kills me. Will I ever forgive this???? My goal is to survive with as many hot dogs as I need. Not looking forward to this, why must my energy be wasted on this, why ?
I am so sorry you are having this problem. But many on here have the same thing happen to us. At one time I was ready to write the 4 grown kids out of the will! I have come to the point that not everyone can handle what we are going through. The idea of their mom or dad failing in front or their eyes is more than most grown kids can seem to take. I still have a 15 year old daughter at home and have no problem with her helping when needed.
To give a look into the mind of the grown kids. A few years ago a co worker of mine was going through the process of her father dieing. He had heart, lung problems. I remember one day she said to me. "I feel so bad, but I just have a hard time seeing my father like that. I hate to go visit." This was from a very kind, loving person who would give you the shirt of her back woman in her 50s and she could not handle seeing her father slip away. I now look at my kids in a new light when I remember that.
Something in them hurts to much to see what is happening. I guess they are not as strong as we are.
You aren't alone with non-compliant kids. I have a son who lives in Calif; we are in Michigan. He comes about every 6 weeks to pay his respects but otherwise won't spend any time on the phone with his dad or even try to engage him in conversation when he is here. He is no baby, 46 yrs. old. I seriously think they are afraid of AD. As long as I am here to take care of things, they don't feel any responsibility. These kids love their parents, I am sure. They just don't know how to accept deficiencies in their parents. Out of my five, I can say only two are really proactive and for that I have to be thankful.
That is so true. I remember years ago when my FIL was dying of cancer at home. My husband who was young at the time kept telling me, "I don't think I can go to see him anymore." It is very difficult.
For a while I kept the last picture taken of my husband on display. It really was a horrifying photo-but it was all I had. My three children have been very supportive and here for me. When he died the funeral home made a beautiful portrait of him taken from an old photo. It was only after I put the terrible one away that my kids mentioned how much they hated it. They understood what was going on-but it was very difficult to deal with and see.
Our one son lives in Japan and obviously can't come very often. He also has enormous problems with our 10 year old granddaughter who is diabetic and anorexic. Our other son doesn't live far away. When I am complaining to myself about his not being here, I remind myself of all the things that I see in hindsight that I should have done differently with my mom and mother-in-law. I can't tell you how many times I whisper to myself, " Oh mom, I wish I had known how much I was hurting you when I did the same thing that is hurting me now."
I tried several times over the last year to explain to my son, time the commodaty that once gone is gone forever. And I think your all right, their fear of this dreaded disease. Especially with it being EOS. But I brought him up better than to run from family. I nursed my own parents to there death and Hubbie's too !!! I so thought I was a better example, I failed somewhere along the line. And I think his fear is greater than the love he has been taught to give those family. The heart break is Rick's love of him. The joy he gets from the sight of his son. I would not being doing this without that thought in mind. I love my son and I know he loves us......I have so written him off and that yet is another victim of this evil disease. You are all a comfort because you so understand thanks so much
And I think his fear is greater than the love he has been taught to give those family
Terry, I think this says it all. Don't be to hard on him. Don't write him off, leave the door open. We each have to deal with this very evil disease in our own way. A year ago I was very angry at my grown kids. (And not just the grown kids,also other family members) Now I just feel sorry for them to have to go through this with their dad, along with all the other day to day problems they have. This disease causes so much sadness, no need to add more.
I'm sorry Terry, that you have to go through this.
You are not alone, My stepson has not called his mom since XMAS !! No visits in over a year. I asked him why, he told me that he wants to remember his mom as she was. I am thinking of posting on his Facebook page on his trips, too bad he does not have time to check on his dying mother. What good are they? 2 years ago he had knee surgery we stayed with him for 2 weeks waiting on him hand and foot. So he knows better, but would rather not have to deal with it. In his mind she must already be dead. I have asked him to move closer to help care for his mom. No reply
My motto is "Expect nothing from your kids and when they do something nice, let it be a wonderful surprise." Seriously, I can look back and see where I could have been more helpful to my mother in dealing with Dad's Parkinson's. I also had a sister-in-law with Alzheimer's and it seem to me that he was coping pretty well with her care. I know now how hard it was for him. I could have helped a lot more. We aren't always aware of situations and even more so if we aren't near to really see the problems. I know I try to be upbeat when I talk to my out of town children. I'm sure they love us but are very busy with making a living and dealing with babies and teenagers. And I seem to remember that was a full time job at my house.
I think everyone of you are correct. I expect nothing and I do leave the door open just enough. Don't want it slammed in my face anymore. So I have a door stop in place. Some may say chicken.....i say protection. When he's trying to communicate if I am not strong enough I just text back....that way I can be pleasant and throw-up at the same time :) I do think our children that don't aid us now are teaching their children a very dangerous lesson. A Cats in the Cradle thing. So tomorrow I will be very pleasant and give Rick a wonderful day with his son. My Son will be so proud of himself. Glad I could give them both a gift (sarcasm at it's best) My question for myself is how many hotdogs will it take. I can't do sugar, ups and downs of sugar is a bad thing for me emotionally so hot dogs it is. thank you all
I really want to thank you all for talking with me today.....I feel stronger about tomorrow. On a funny note. I always dress Rick in bright colors when we go into places with crowds. He carries his Safe Return Card (he calls it his get out of jail free card) Well tomorrow there will be a sea of Red (team colors) and it's dangerous not to be in Red. Hope I don't come home with the wrong husband. When we go places I always take his hand, last night at our local restaurant I took his hand (space issues etc.) and a older man comes over to me and said "we men hate when our wives do that!!!" I responded with "if I don't you'll have to take him home with you". My husband thought that was very funny.
Hot dogs always taste better a ball game. . One an inning would be a worthy goal. . beer always is better at games as well. You were accurate when you mentioned the mantra of "expecting nothing". .that way disappointment will not be as bitter. You touched on it as well, and I do think it comes down to a "fear factor" as well. .It's not supposed to be like this . . . for anyone. .We can model all we want, but compassion is an active thing. .Unless you are practicing compassion consistently, it becomes a very hard thing to suddenly just do. .
terry54, looks like we have more in common than our names. I am so ashamed of my son and the way he is treating me and DH. Plus my husband LOVES baseball, particularly attending minor league games. beer is definitely better at games and if I didn't have to drive us an hour over winding mountain roads to get to and from the games I would aim for one beer an inning! And same here on "texting back" so you can gag and type in socially appropriate words.
moors, my son is a social media addict and I often have the same FB idea you mentioned although I would never do it. i have wondered how his large contingent of Twitter, FB, and hus blog fans would react to his having a father with Alzheimer's and in more than 4 years of blogging he has never mentioned it while at the same time crusading for the diseases and problems of others. I don't get it. i always thought he is who he appears to be or maybe just hoped he was and was proud of him thinking things could change..... DH wrote a poem about it shortly after he was dx. when I get back home end of month I will post it.
terry54, interesting you write you want to smack your son. I will try to bring to the top a thread in which I finally got over my pride enough to write about my son and several here offered to do just that. Maybe they are close to your son and could do that for you. my email is in my profile so feel free if you want to commiserate about our sons. i'm going to have lots of time out here alone for two weeks so anyone who wants to talk or email, get in touch! or if any of you are in the SF Bay area I would love to meet.
I am in CA now staying at my stepson's "the good son" while he is away. as i just posted I am looking for a way to be closer to him for DH and me too I think as my hopes of moving close to DH and my grandchildren were dashed in the most hurtful way. the pain of that has been so great the only way I can handle it is to become numb as Tryingpatient wrote about the other day.
The one topic I do not feel comfortable writing about here...... I am afraid if I start, well...... I better not.
I will say Lynn has 4 children, all my age or older. And I don't care how difficult it is to see our loved ones this way, you do it! It is no frigging picnic for us spouses either! It isn't a matter of how one is raised; this has been proven to me. So don't waste your time in wondering what you did wrong... YOU are not the one behaving so atrociously.
I too mostly just text and I always text first. I was going to stop the updates, but that is changing who I am for others, and I wont give anyone that power. So, I do what I do for Lynn.. for him, I will remain the loving person he fell in love with.
Wow, this is great. I woke up this Sunday morning before sunset and sat outside watching the sun rise thinking that there's nothing going right in my life. But I can see there is. We were too selfish to have any of these snot nosed whiners as kids and I can see that having trolls for children would really drive me nuts.
I took one of my nephews in for a year or so long ago and after flooding the basement, blowing my stereo, blowing my replacement stereo, and leaving puddles of oil in the driveway - I told him he had to move on. He has resented me ever since. One of my nieces has talked about trying to visit for 2 years. She's less than an hour away. Another nephew who I started out in business finally phoned to let me know he bought a house and proceeded to talk about himself for an hour. When I mentioned his aunt he had to go. The oldest niece who my wife took under her wing for years has never once called. Her mother explains it hurts her too much. That leaves the nephew who no one has heard from in 10 years and the two boys who call regularly, come by to visit, send chocolates and home made cookies, and always ask how she is doing and how I am doing and are never in a hurry with that.
Both my father and my grandfather (who I spent several summers with down in Joliet, Illinois) warned me about this. They both agreed that the younger generations are no good. I don't believe they ever really heard themselves because they were too busy telling me to get a haircut and that I was a hippy and should get out there and get a job and earn a living. Except they never acknowledged once when we became successful.
I screamed at my parents one day when I let them know they were full of cr@p. They had pushed me all my life that I needed a good education, had to get the good marks, go out there and succeed in life; but, when I told them we were now millionaires thinking they would be proud - they both told me that I was too full of myself. Well then what the heck were you talking about all your life??
I'll tell you what. They wanted grandchildren. They didn't actually give a flying about the parts of what they said that I listened too. They spent all their time with my sister who dropped out of highschool - but had three children and guess where they were always going?
Reality is personal. And it's personal to you. My mother almost had fits when my sister moved away for some years because of her husband's work. She thought family was SO important. She could never seem to connect that her own mother was 500 miles away and there wasn't any sign of practice what you preach.
My mother raised us on the principle that all things were shared equally. I was the only boy on the street who had to make beds and wash dishes. They even made one of us break the candy bar and the other one choose. We got good at that. But when my mother made her will she asked me if it was alright that she left most of the money to my sister. She just couldn't conceive that she was breaking one of the primary principles she brought us up on. Everything is shared equally. Punishing me for not giving her grandchildren and rewarding my sister for having them was not conceived in the concious mind.
And the big one. On my father's 65th birthday I helped organzie a big party and while I was standing outside with one of his lifelong friends and my adopted uncle - he told me how proud my father was of me and how he went on about me.
I screamed at him. I told him his whole generation sucked large because my father had never once told me that he was proud of me. I told him to go home right now and call his two sons and tell them. Most men are infantile with real emotion. My parents sacrificed for me and loved me, I know that. But I have yet to meet a truly altruistic person. Everyone sees life from their own needs and everyone changes the game when those needs change. Human nature.
Yes the people around me have been generally very disappointing although I'm fortunate. That became apparent the minute my needs changed. Suddenly they weren't doing enough. Let they that are innocent throw the first stone said Jesus, and the air was full of rocks.
Terry do you think it's embarrassment. Some faulty pride issue. My sons wife (a hospice nurse) said to me "this is to tough on him ( my son). Really, really well then let's have him do nothing because it's a real vacation for me. In the beginning of this journey 6 years ago I ask him for help (weekend break, over night get away) we would battle, my main issue to him that this was time u will never have again, his life is so tough and when he's off he needs to be with "his" family. We must be aliens then. We have supported him in every aspect of his life and always with respect. Well I have left all that behind. Only for hubby Will I be pleasant and respectful. When we r together I have husband and 2 grandchildren who all want to sit with me and my DiL sits and eats her food. Yep it's tough on them. Hubby ask me yesterday, our son has moved this past summer, work related, can I make sure he talks to him once a week, I agreed (didn't want to). Our lives change daily, we adjust on a moments notice the stress level is off the charts. In someways no one can help us because at the end of the exhausting day it's our rode to hoe.
Wolf love that first paragraph ......that's my laugh of the day :). And on my Son moving away, it's really good it removed stress. Can FaceTime with grandchildren with out having to clean up the house when they leave. And don't need to see lazy DiL. And my Son doesn't come around anyway. Easier for hubby to understand. Having to interview agency this week. Need more care for Hubby while at work anyone have any suggestions on what to ask?
Wolf-I hope your catharsis has helped you. I think we all carry baggage from our childhood. My parents were working class but if we were poor I never knew it. As I was an only child I never had to share. My husband and I produced three children. We taught then early on to be self sufficient and work for what they wanted. With only minimal help from us they all completed college. They washed dishes and helped in the dorms. When my husband went missing the nearest one drove to my house because she felt she needed to be with me. On what would have been anniversaries or husband's birthday one of the kids will just turn up to spend the day with me. This isn't a brag on my part-it's just to share that the younger generation is not a lost cause.
So true, bluedaze*. My son always worked from the time he was old enough. He always thought of me and his step-dad and did all he could to help. I don't believe the younger generation is a lost cause either. There are wonderful young people out there.
Wolf, I'm glad you succeeded on your own, despite the family problems. You're so articulate that I'm sort of assuming that you've made your money as a writer.
Actually, I'm in deep doodoo. It's been pointed out to me that all parents feel a good deal of guilt that they do enough and that they said the right things and that things turn out for their children that I feel I need to point that part out too.
I also do understand that too many people really do less than what most would consider a minimum. I pointed that out with my own experiences. It hurts when it's the children. I understand that.
But the bottom line to me is that I wrote that to point out other perspectives one of which is that even though most people are too hard on themselves - we also each see things through our own needs. The humorous thing about my parents and grandchildren is that to this day my sister will raise the story that somehow mom and dad never came to visit me and I have to remind her once again that I didn't have grandchildren. She's a grandmother now you see and idioms have changed. This viewpoint no longer fits that.
I'm lucky because I like my values and I know where they come from. Both of my parents taught me many things. What I said above is true though.
PrisR, I lost most of that money on a bad investment. I made it in business as did my wife. I wanted to be a painter but was unwilling to be poor for art. At 53 I retired to get back to it and even though I can do nice things - the fire is dimmer and the fearlessness is gone. But, I've also always wanted to write and being an observer by nature I would like to understand and point things out about life. I hope I'm not too annoying at times and I've appreciated every comment. I don't say anything usually because that's not proper and interferes with the purity of the thing itself. I have been fortunate to travel and move around into different businesses and situations and I have a manner and face that people want to divulge their deepest secrets into. A lifetime of that has helped me know my role. To try to help understand. Whatever. Have a donut.
No baseball, no hot dogs, no apple pie but still have Alzheimers .....oh well. Hubby taking nap, we had to get up early to go to game but major rain on the east coast. Game cancelled. My son calls from road to tell us game cancelled and the mother in me comes out. "be careful driving and text me when your home" Can't get away from that or Alzheimers!!! I thought about the comment you reap what you sow ......not sure that happens to Alzheimers victims and there care givers. I think those who have wonderful children are truly bless. We others who's children are in conflict .....well it sucks! Game has been rescheduled, Son won't be able to make it (moved game to a Tuesday) but that's ok my brother will be here and the 3 of us can go. Rainbows do come :) they fade but the beauty of the moment is specatular .....like hubby's smile and laugh.
Terry54, I am saying that in reguards to our children who do not behave as we would like, perhaps we did not parent them correctly, made life too easy for them.
Cheer up everyone....being a grandparent is absolutely the best...no one will ever blame you for how the grandkids turn out, nor can you ever make a mistake....any behavioral problems are always blamed on their parents, the environment, teachers. etc..and NO ONE will ever figure out that it is the grandparent's fault. So spoil away and act foolish...you can get away with everything/