I don't even know if I should attempt this post since in light of what Phranque is going through, it seems insignificant. And yet, here I go anyway. Yesterday the assisted living home called in the morning and wanted to know if I was coming to visit any time soon. (Red Flag!! Heart starts pounding!) Sure in fact I'm on my way right now. Oh good because he is sobbing uncontrollably because he seems to have lost something, his dad, his wife, his son, something and it is heartbreaking, the caregivers are at a loss to know what to do and, if fact, are crying too. So the two hour drive over my mind goes cracker dog thinking, wondering what to expect, how to deal with this and make things good for all. He is beside himself happy to see me as are all the other residents and caregivers and hugs me and rocks back and forth. I stay the night and most of the next day to make sure all is going to be okay before heading back, but as I'm getting ready to leave and telling him I'll be back on Sunday for our regular visit, he looks at me with those eyes so sad and miserable and says, "I like to be with you." He hasn't been able to articulate a normal sentence for so long it stuns me. Also it stuns me, because I have put the house on the market to sell and I'm doing all I can do to be able to move to a new state so I can be close and able to visit everyday and nothing is selling anywhere so I know it won't happen anytime soon, so I don't really know what else to do but say I know I like to be with you too and I'll be back on Sunday. Then I cry all the way home and now I think I need a good stout drink.
Jules, I do the same thing when I visit my DH. He was in the same town with me until two months ago, then I had to move him an hour away. I have started telling my DH that I will back in a "little bit". That seems to ease him some. He is stage 7, and also does not speak hardly at all. Sometimes, he reacts to me and other times i could be the cleaning lady. Then you cry all the way home.
We will get through this...it is just hard as can be. Especially, when you think you have cried every tear you have in your body....then you cry some more.
Hi Jules, I went to check out a facility for placement today. The surroundings were beautiful but the secure unit made me feel uncomfortable. When I returned home, my PSW told me that Gord had been sobbing a lot of the time I was gone. He was asking and begging for his wife. So much of the time he has no idea who I am and before I left, he thought I was his mother. It is the times he is crying though that I wonder how on earth I can even think of placing him. Reading Phranques postings makes me question that decision even more.
Twist it and then add a heaping dose of salt into the wound. acccccck!! It frigging sucks!
Jules I am so sorry you and your husband are suffering so... heartbreaking!! Lynn's crying and begging me to come home with me... well, it still has the power to drop me to my knees. I am very blessed in that he is only 20 mins from me. 2 hours..... Damn, I am so sorry.
I wish above all that I could have Lynn home with me, placing him still haunts me to this day. Even though he is over the crying and wanting to go home stage... I miss him! And I just want him home. I know most of us want the same thing. Unfortunately we are not all blessed with the wonderful children Frank has. Most of us I dare say are in the same boat as me...ZERO help and not enough funds to hire the help our loved ones require.
Ah yes I know the feeling well,having to drive 150 miles round trip feeling guilty all the way an then have wife ask why can't we get back together,why can't we be married,tears an more tears an everytime I get ready to leave she expects to leave with me an then have to watch her standing there crying as I walk out the door,this "journey ain't for the weak of heart",makes for a very long ride home
I placed my husband 5 days ago in a wonderful, caring Assisted Living Facility for Memory Care only. The month prior, he was in the hospital, in a nursing home, back in the hospital and then to the current facility. Eloping was a constant battle as well as my health was declining. I've been to see him every day except yesterday. He cries when I'm not there and says he can't do without me. It breaks my heart. He also keeps asking me about going home. I tell him this is an extension of his hospital stay and the doctor wants him to be there for a while. It's been working so far.
I would like to know what has worked for you on the crying issue--less frequent visits so he can get used to being without me or continue to visit daily to comfort him. (The facility is 25 min away). I will be returning to work in a couple of weeks and will no longer be making daily visits.
I found that nothing helped in this kind of situation except time. You can only really help him by staying strong (which means getting enough rest yourself and decent meals). You will be needed to make decisions and care for him all along the way. He, on the other hand, will go on to the next stage, and it will be different. He'll stop crying, but there'll be another challenge for you, and you'll have to be able to step up to the plate. And yes, he will quit asking about going home. He won't even remember it. So pace yourself as best you can and know that you will come through okay.
Just as 75 says after awhile they no longer remember "home" I think they consider the place there at home,the crying however befuddles me,it was bad for quite some time then stopped completely,tuesday when I went to visit (130 miles round trip) it started again,really bawling an telling me how much she missed me,it makes for a long drive home,they must have times when they remember certain things but I believe most of the time their in their own little world,what a sad terrible way to spend the last years of your life
its a catch 22 when they find comfort in their new surroundings and the crying stops. we will feel the loss of no longer being that necessary force to comfort them -and while they adjust and the new surroundings become the new home and the old is forgotten. we understand its best for them but i think the loss of knowing is hard on us too.
divvi is right. I realized when my husband was struggling to get out of his facility part of him was still intact. When he didn't know where he was I realized an important part of him was gone.
I held out so long for placement that my husband never protested being there--with lots of meds, he just goes with the flow. I am thankful for that--the crying would tear me apart.
Texasgirl, When I placed my DH I told him the doctors were trying different things to get his meds right for him, and that as soon as the doctor said I could take him ....I would. This seemed to work as he did not blame me. He changed his question to: "Have you heard from the doctor?" Then in a little while he quit asking. He helped me for him to think it was the doctors decision...
I appreciate the comments from each and every one of you. I have been so busy running back and forth to see DH, trying to get a grip on the new "norm", and getting ready to go back to work Monday, that I have not been back online until now. DH is settling in and, for the last several days, has not asked about going home. I was visiting daily but just started going every other day since I'll be returning to work. next week. I am happy with the facility but can't help feel a little guilty when I am not there. I hope in time that guilt will disappear.