To My New-Found Friends, I am Gina, who is a newbie as of yesterday, when I started my thread about my husband being a stranger to me after 42 years of marriage. If you read my thread, you will all know how shaken up I am by this new information as to what is going on in my marriage. As you can well imagine, I didn't sleep at all last night....thinking, crying, etc. It has occurred to me that what if I'm wrong and the only thing wrong is that as he gets older, he becomes quite selfish, uncaring, and just wanting me to tap dance to his music. Some of his past behavior has been so self-centered, with no empathy for the pain he has caused me. He is still high functioning at this point, and I find it so hard to believe that he isn't cognizant of how he's hurting me. And worse yet, what if those times that he seems to be loving and caring, it's only an attempt to get what he wants....and when he doesn't, Monster Hyde enters the picture. I know I sound suspicious, and that's why I was wondering if any of you had these thoughts at the onset, prior to dx. Please bear with me in this, and know I truly appreciate any feedback from you wonderful, caring gals.
Oh my sweet dear, Right after the dx I kept thinking they are WRONG! Now sometime later I know it was not wrong. I to had the same thing happen to me with DH. He was like two different people. The problem is it happens so slowly over time. We almost don't see it coming. At least I didn't until about 3 mons before the dx. I knew something was very wrong. It was no longer me having a problem. And like I have said, I was planning on divorce. How could he say he loved me one min and the next give me "that look" like he almost wanted me to die!
I thought he was just turning into a bitter old man, too.
Dear Blue, You are so right about it starting so slowly. Over the past 4 years though it has become more and more frequently, more and more hurtful. I have always been a strong, independent woman, and I do believe he is a thinly veiled macho type of guy. With all that has gone on, I have been researching narcissists and the need for power and control. In fact, I had been thinking that was the problem. Just maybe it is a combination of illness and flawed personality. I just don't know what to think anymore. All I know is I am a nervous wreck trying to figure it all out and cope at the same time.
My hb is the same way. No empathy at all when he hurts someone. It's all about him. My hb is still very high functioning which makes the dementia even worse. They say hurtful things and then he doesn't remember or so he says. It's very hard to suck it up. I just walk away when he's in those moods. Good luck
Dear Lee, What really gets me is that he is sharp enough to not only deny what I may have just suffered through, but actually re-writes history. I understand he would be fine with lying to those who weren't there to witness what transpired.....but to actually think I would BELIEVE his totally false account of what happened, just seems delusional. I have even showed him photos I took of his flirting while I am sitting right across from him at a resort on vacation. Claims he has no memory of who he was staring and smiling at, even though they later started bringing HIM drinks to OUR table, with me sitting there like I was invisible. What a night that turned into!!! Called me all kinds of names, got violent, and said I ruined his night. And, of course, didn't admit to any wrongdoing until about 6 months later. He had been drinking that night and since then, he said he realizes he needs to NOT drink more than 1 or 2 anymore. Which I will admit he has been living up to. But, even knowing that his flirting is humiliating and hurtful to me, he has continued to do it when the opportunity presents itself, despite all his promises to the contrary. This behavior has only started about 3 years ago. It's like he is regressing to when he was a single sailor during his Navy days. Just what I need!!!!!! It just could be nothing more than midlife crisis at 67. That's what has me wondering about just how responsible his actions to me are.
Gina, I have these thoughts every time DH acts "normal." Then he will do something really mean, or strange and then I know that there is a problem. My DH has a few really big problems. One is paranoia, one is dwelling on something, and another is finances. The finances has been a hugh problem for many others on the site also. When he says or does something really strange, you need to think about the fact that the "reasoning button is broken." That is why they will act so normal and then say such "off the wall" things. Especially for those of us with probable FTD. They have their memory for the most part and really do act so normal. At times we think that we are the one with the problem.
You wouldn't be normal, if you didn't question these things.
Your DH is just like my DH. Only never had the flirtation problem, but every thing else you have talked about. And re-write history, oh boy. My problems started about 15 years ago. I started thinking I was fat, dumb and ugly along with stupid. NOW I know it was NOT ME!
Blue, some will say that it can't go on that long. I would say for us may be 12 years so far. DH had a minor surgery that required a general anithesia and this is all about the same time. He also had an imbeded tick. I followed every medical lead and they all went no where. The problem is when they act so normal around others. No one else see what we see.
Oh, Bluedaze.....Knowing it is part of the disease really doesn't help much. And when they seem so normal most of the time, it is difficult to not take it personal.
Mary in Montana...I've come to the point where I am gunshy to even be around him, not knowing when he will get really mean and cruel. And, now, even when he's sweet and loving, I find myself just backing away in fear and untrusting. And at this point in time, he is so very perceptive and aware of my behavior. It seems like he picks up on all my nuances.....and then gets angrier. As for romance, which he wants, how does one want any after all the hurt and heartbreak?
Blue....you are so lucky your hubby didn't have the flirting thing. To have him, in conjunction with some tramps, humiliate me in public like that, is something I just can't over. His ego gets a boost, her ego gets a boost, while I sit there like yesterday's garbage. I just keep thinking how could he keep doing this to me???? And why??? Men seem to be attracted to me and I look the other way out of respect to my husband and he knows it. But where is the respect for me??? How could he be so high functioning and yet display such acts of cruelty?
My dh was born, lived and worked all his life in Illinois and when he retired we moved to Ca. where I had children. He almost immediately became a difference person. I thought it was just the adjustment to retirement and moving. He even packed all his clothes in big black plastic bags several times and said he was leaving. As this strange behavior continued and got worse over several years I began to see how forgetful he was...like he needed to write down "milk and bread" if he went to the store for me. He needed to write down our telephone no., he couldn't figure a tip when we ate out...on and on...all minor type things at first. His bad behavior is what first sent me to the doctor for my own health because it was driving me crazy and making my blood pressure go out of sight. My suggestion to you is write down everything you can think of regarding strange behavior and make a list of all the things he seems to be having trouble with remembering. Then go by yourself and see your doctor. You don't want to get ill. You need help...in the beginning it is difficult to handle this without professional help.
Ginaginaz: hope I spelled your name correctly. Just a note to ket you know this is a trying stage, almost divorce stage. We made through that stage and DH now end stage. I love him more than I ever thought I could. Its tough and feelings get hurt. This too shall pass.just remember its the disease talking not the man you married. Doesn't make it any easier I know. God Bless us all. You'll find on this site you can pour your heart out and many will come to your rescue, or try to. Nellie
Gina, the first signs of my husband's dementia (FTD) were a heightened interest in dating websites and pornogrophy (his version of flirting), total disregard for my feelings on just about everything, his needs always came first no matter what it was and at times his chilling indifference to me. I was preparing for separation and divorce because I had no idea those were early signs of dementia. In the early stages they are very functional and can also be quite manipulative if it means getting what they want. I too thought DH was having a mid-life crisis and he called me horrible names. When I told him I was thinking of divorce he said "Go ahead, I'll be rid of you, but don't think any other man would look at you much less want you." Even though I was repugnant to him, didn't stop his romantic advances when he wanted.
I know this is a very difficult time for you but you really need to speak with a physician and have him evaluated. If he doesn't have dementia or another medical condition then you'll know it's a mid-life crisis and you can make plans to deal with that. For your own sanity you need to find out if it is / is not dementia. BTW, if it is dementia, that doesn't prohibit you from divorcing him if that's what you decide is best.
I truly believe I would have filed for divorce already, or at least a legal separation, but my husband's company would drop me immediately from his medical plan if I did so. So he has agreed to keep me on his plan, even though since February of this year he is now living in a mobile home he bought. It seemed like it was the only thing to do since I kept kicking him out of our home. Hotels were getting too costly and from the very first time ever I kicked him out (after 40 years of marriage mind you) he started looking for a new residence. Guess it was too difficult for him to just stop the abuse instead. We tried for a reconciliation in April of this year, and believe me when I say I tried everything to make our existence good again. I pressed the RESET BUTTON big time. But nothing seemed to have changed and after 4 months, sent him back to his trailer park home last month. We had a date last week. His suggestion to pick me up, cook me a nice dinner. He was giddy over the whole thing. Talk about strange...... It was pleasant enough, loving and affectionate, but after being together only 2 days he caught me reading on this site. His reaction was not too pleasant and when I saw that look in his eyes and face, I knew it was time to call it a day and sent him home. He had purchased two tickets to a dinner party at his community park for this weekend, and called me yesterday to see if I still wanted to go. I wanted to scream NO I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. But said okay instead after reading everything on this site yesterday. I am so conflicted. I just don't think I can handle much more of this insanity. Gina
Dear LFL, Your response to me was so heartfelt. Fortunately for many of our sisters on this site, it seems that our husbands' heightened interest in other women is not that common. And I feel that that kind of behavior is a real betrayal and dealbreaker. Just our luck, eh???? You are so right in saying I need to know exactly what is going on with him. But if he displayed anger at seeing me reading on this site, you can just imagine his reaction to my asking/begging him to go for testing. I'm playing with the idea of having my 2 sons have an intervention with him about getting tested. I informed them both last night about this possible dementia factor. But I really dread seeing reaction to such a meeting. Especially for my sons. As for the great suggestions of fiblets, he is just too high functioning to fall for that. The long and short of it is he wants me back - BUT it just has to be all about him and his needs......which I haven't cooperated with thus far. Gina
ginaginaz, This AD is hard on all family and friends. Nothing, is as it once was. My husband was always kind, loving and a perfect gentleman. But the monster is in the AD.
If he wants to get back together so bad, make a medical evaluation a condition of getting back together. Might work.
For what it's worth...never told anyone (except my daughter) this...but, my dh and I have not been married for 40 years either which probably makes a big difference. When my dh had one of these times when he said.."I'm leaving and packed all his clothes"...I begged him to stay and told him we could work it out..which we did. But, when I told my daughter, she said "Mom..the next time he wants to leave let him because you will no longer have a life of your own as long as he lives"....well, she was right. If I had it to do over what would I do??? I really can't answer that because I don't know...I do know...I don't have a life of my own. Can't go shopping at the mall, can't sew, can't go visit girl friends, on and on.
ginaginaz--On the "rewriting history": with dementia, sometimes a symptom known as confabulation is present. In a nutshell, they just make things up. However, it is futile to correct them--i.e. something like showing him pictures only makes things worse. IF your husband is confabulating, his brain is playing tricks on him and he really believes what he is saying. There is no way you can convince him he is wrong, and don't waste your energy on trying. Focus on getting a diagnosis.
Hi Gina, we didn't come into this in the same way as many others. Sometime in 2002, Gord would mention when we were in bed at night that he had been unable to remember how to get to a place where he had been hundreds of time. Under the cover of darkness, he would say he was scared and that he thought he would go to the doctor. Of course, with daylight, he forgot about it. Finally, he began getting angry about things that I knew he had done. I suggested that we go to the doctor and he agreed. We went in January of 2003 and that is where our journey started. He scored 28/30 on the MMSE and the doctor started him on Aricept and antidepressants for his obvious and longstanding depression.
Just want to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond to my rambling. I'm sure I must be communicating on this site to future angels. All of you. After all your suffering, you all show such compassion to newbies. I don't quite know where this will lead me. Don't even know WHERE I WANT it to lead me. All I know is, we can't go back; and our future looks bleak. Thought I was depressed before I found this site........!!!!!!!!! My sons are coming over on Sunday, and we will all have to sit down to discuss this nightmare, and how to proceed. Maybe by then I'll be more composed and not in the state of shock. Gina
Having your sons approach may work. There is someone else here who had to have their children intervene and it worked. (if memory serves me right).
Also, know you are not alone in people who have had not so happy marriages which makes staying with our spouse even harder. And, there are those that have divorced and left due to the anger/abuse of their afflicted spouse.
Judith, having just gone through this.. if there is any chance that you will need to apply for Medicaid (or vet's benefits?) you will be asked to prove your marriage. As in an original copy of the marriage certificate. I don't know - does anyone? - how things would be different if you aren't married. If the house is in his name, you might lose it completely, instead of being able to be in it for your lifetime. YOu REALLY are going to need to talk to an eldercare lawyer. I was hit with a $9000 bill for the first month when my husband was sent to a nursing home and I realized there was no way I could afford that for any length of time. I HAD talked to my lawyer, had nothing in his name, so all worked out fine - and we WERE married. Better safe than sorry.