I have just found this site by searching constantly for advice on why my husband of 42 years has become someone I hardly know, nor care to. We have had a great marriageup until about 4 years ago when he started becoming emotionally abusive to me, accompanied by quick anger and passive aggression. He would do things that he knew would hurt me emotionally, and then deny them, and then would even rearrange the truth of what was done. Told me I was crazy. My 2 sons almost couldn't believe me when I would recount their father's new behavior. But then I remembered something my husband told me when we first started dating. He had been in the Navy for 4 years and said that when he went back home to live, he didn't recognize the man that was his father. He said his father had become quite mean and insensitive to his mother. His father died shortly after that, so I have no idea what would have followed had he lived longer. But after trying to survive the last 4 years of this marriage gone bad, I am beginning to believe my husband may be on the same track as his father. I am devastated over this stranger in my life. Sometimes he is so loving and wonderful, and then it's like a switch is turned on. So far it seems that his anger and rage is only directed to me though. I am desperate for input about how this illness manifests itself in the personal area of a couple's life. He exhibits new and very different traits on and off now......selfishness, quick anger, flirting in front of me, lying about things, now and then selfish with lovemaking. He constantly tells me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but then goes and does something to sabotage our marriage. I just don't know what to think and was hoping some of you kind gals could give me some insight as to whether my suspicions on AZ may be correct. Thanx from the bottom of my hear to anyone out there for helping. I'm a nervous wreck at this point.
Welcome.....my first question to you would be....has your husband been checked out by a physician? There are many reasons for the actions he is displaying....some of which could be Alzheimer related but it could also be something completely reversible. So, have him checked out.....
Second, until you have some sort of idea of what you are dealing with take precautions to protect yourself....physically, of course, but more importantly emotionally.....whatever is going on with your husband, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
Third, talk to your own physician about what is going on in your life and maybe you can take some sort of med that will help you get through the next months of waiting for a diagnosis.
Most importantly, come here often.....ask questions, vent your frustrations and let us give you a virtual shoulder to lean on.
welcome ginaginaz to this kind group of very savvy folks about forms of dementia. as you will find, there are many varieties of dementia and some off hand are FTD, vascular, and then Alzheimers, picks or lewy body to name a few. they all have the same end terminal results. i am so very sorry to hear of your plight with a marriage gone bad. it can be diagnosed by a good dr specializing in memory disorders but many of us find getting them to succumb to the visit is harrowing to say the least. i hope you have time to visit and read many topics here. its everything you have said and more. we know exactly what you are saying and you dont have to feel alone anymore. divvi/tx
Sandi and Divvi, Thank you so much for your kind responses. When I noticed his memory lapses, I began to tease him about it. But didn't really look at it closely enough. I have discussed him with my own doctor who felt it is definitely something we need to explore further. However, when I tried several times to show him how much he has changed in our marriage, and reminded him about his father, he doesn't want to hear it. Becomes angry and belligerent. He can be so loving and understanding and then the Jekyll and Hyde routine kicks in. I don't believe he has ever been unfaithful in our 42 years of marriage, and constantly begs me not to leave him. If he wanted his freedom, which is what I first thought, I have given him countless opportunities to do so. His health is not the greatest, with high chlesterol and one heart stent due to blockage. His 2 older brothers both have had bypasses, so that is a family medical issue. i am at my wit's end. I love him and all the years we've been married with all my heart. But this new person is a horrible mystery. Again, thank you so much for your help. Gina
Welcome ginaginaz, I could of written your post 10 years ago :( I was on the edge of divorce when my DH was dx with Ad. DH dear husband, dx diagnosis, AD Alzheimers. It has been a year and a half now and I am just coming around to the fact that he could not help himself. That said....... Sandi* is right, you do not know what to do until you have your DH checked out by his doctor. My DH would not go at all! It was his work that sent him. Thank goodness they put the wheels in motion. Once DH found out what was going on he changed into more or less his old self. Like a great weight had been lifted off his back. He himself knew something was wrong just not what it was. A * after the name is for the ones who LO have passed on. (LO loved ones.) They have been down this awful road and come back to help the ones still walking this sad lonely road.
ginaginaz, welcome to joan's website. You will find love, support and very useful information here. There's a saying "When you've seen one Alzheimer victim, you've seen one Alzheimer vistim" meaning that the disease manifests itself differently in each person, but there are some similar situations that many of us experience with our LO who has dementia. I would encourage you to make an appointment for your husband with a doctor who is familiar with memory loss and dementia to get an accurate diagnosis. There are some other medical conditions which mimick dementia symptoms which may be reverseable and the dr should run tests for those coditions to rule them out before making a dementia diagnosis. Our marriage became a very difficult relationship for me about 2-3 years before DH's diagnosis of dementia (FTD). He moved out of our bedroom saying his back was bad and our mattress was too soft, he started posting profiles on internet dating sites looking for dates, he would alternately ignore me and then would become physically abusive when he was frustrated with me. He refused to go to work (he was in his mid-fifties and not ready for retirement), yet spent money from my personal checking acount, etc. This illness affects every area of a couple's private life, paricularly as the disease progresses. The early stages of the illness can be confusing and hurtful to the well spouse because you really don't know what's going on and the person with dementia may not realize themselves what's happening or may be in denial which is common. Look on the home page of this website - there's lots of useful information. One good article is "understanding the dementia experience". My advice would be to ge a definite diagnosis and hen make sure you have all your legal documents, particularly a will and durable power of attorney (DPOA) and a medical advance directive. Counsult a certified elderlaw attorney and a financial planner so you know how to protect your assets. This is a very expensive disease. There are book recommendations at he top of the message board page which may be helpful to you. One which is universally recommended in "The 36 Hour Day". Others will be along soon to give you valuable advice and support.
It would also probably be good to start making a list to summarize the changes you have observed in your husband, so that you can pass it on to the family physician. I had hoped for a treatable brain tumor, or water on the brain - and those are real possibilities that need to be checked out right away.
Most important is that he see a doctor to start eliminating other possibilities. Sometimes something as simple as vitamin deficencies (B & D) can cause havoc with a person. Put your foot down with your husband - and emphasize that it could be something treatable that could become irreversible if left untreated.
To all of you dear, dear people who have responded to my cry for help. I am literally shaking right now. Tears are running down my face and I can hardly type. I don't even know how to cope at this point. I think I will research vascular dementia and see how that measures up. How do I even broach the subject of his seeing a doctor when he is adamantly thinking nothing is wrong with him thus far?
Fiblets (little fibs). Does he need his annual checkup? Make an appointment for him if he does and go with him. Tell him the appointment is for you and you need him to accompany you (give the dr office a heads up) in case there's something wrong. Just a few suggestions.
Ginaginaz, if your husband takes meds on a regular basis and I am assuming he does with his stent, use a "therapeutic fiblet" and tell him that the doctor wants him to come in to talk about the possibility of a new kind of procedure or a new med that is coming out. Be creative and get in touch with the doctor beforehand to give him a heads up.
This disease changes all the rules of the game....honesty is not always going to be the best policy and you learn to deflect, redirect and cajole...much like a child.
But, first get the diagnosis and then you will know what you have to do...
Keep in touch.....let us know how things are going...
ginaginaz, lots of folks have found it necessary to resort to "therapeutic fibs" or other indirect means of getting a loved one to see a doctor, and it's probably advisable to write the doctor ahead of time and lay out your concerns, with specific examples of behaviors, because otherwise the LO may be able to bluff his way through an appointment and convince the doctor there's nothing wrong. If your LO does indeed have AD or one of the other manifestations of dementia, then you need to forget the idea of "convincing" him of anything -- his "reasoning button is broken", as we often say here.
Do you have someone who can help, someone he trusts. Co worker, friend, family, someone from church? Someone who could talk him into going in for a check up. Fiblet, you need to do it for health or life insurance. I know this is hard. I tried for 3 months with my DH and only the higher ups at work were able to get him to go. Could your doctor help? Make sure you know where all your money is and how it is being spent. Start keeping track of your assets. Make sure he is not selling or giving any thing away with out you knowing about it. Or buying anything without you knowing about it also.
I'd make an appointment yourself with his doctor. Call and say that you'll need 30 minutes of his time and that you'll pay for the visit. Know ahead of time what you're going to say. If you merely send a letter there's a good chance it won't get the attention you need.
Ginaginaz, as Blue said, you just wrote my past few years. It seems to me that you are describing something a little different than classic AZ. In my house, we are undiagnosed and probably dealing with FTD for may be 10 to 12 years. Do a search on any of our "name tags" and read our history. Bluedaze and LFL also dealt with FTD. There are many different causes for the behavors that you are seeing. In our case, the memory was mostly there except for most of the very short-term memory. My DH can remember everything except for what I might have just said. The best thing that you can do is keep reading. Just knowing that you are not alone and knowing what to expect really helps.
The best advice that I can offer you is to not allow him to fight with you. As the saying goes, "it takes two to have a fight." I know that he will try everything to get you upset. Avoid, ignore, walk away, change the subject and, if you have to, agree with him. By not fighting, it keeps the peace a little better.
Oh Sandi, He SHOULD be on meds but absolutely refuses. I seem to recall that on several occasions he complained about seeing spots before his eyes. I made him go to the opthamologist for a check up but nothing was uncovered there. I'm sure he never mentioned it to his cardiologist. He's always been one to bury his head in the sand. If I can get up the nerve, I think I should try to talk to his cardio dr. I know I need to do SOMETHING, but to be honest, right now I feel totally paralyzed with fear.
Dear Friends, I have been trying to read name tag histories, but just can't seem to do it. Duh!!! When I clicked on Mary's name tag, I get a display but not the one to pull up her blogs. What am I doing wrong?
Ginaginaz, I lead you astray. Go to the top of the page, click on Search. Type in the name, select either Discussions or Comments. I would suggest Comments. I forget what to click next, it will take a while for the info to load. Everything that this person has commented on will come up.
Welcome to my website, which I started in 2007, because I needed a place that dealt with my unique issues as a spouse of an Alzheimer patient. It is now a place of comfort for spouses/partners who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife/partner. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse/partner with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse/partner.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience". If it applies to you and your spouse, there are 4 sections for EOAD members - two of which focus on the young teens whose parents have EOAD (early onset AD- now called YOUNG onset). There is a great section on informative videos, and another excellent resource - Early Onset Dementia - A Practical Guide. You can go to the top of this page, click on "search", and type in EOAD, making sure the "topic" circle is filled in. All of the EOAD discussions will come up - there are about a dozen of them.
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. There is a "search" feature on the home page that allows you to look up different topics that may have been explored in a previous blog. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.
Please go to the home page - www.thelahzeimerspouse.com and click on "Previous Blogs" on the left side. Then click on 2007. Click on July. Then click on the first blog that I wrote introducing this website - it talks about being married to a stranger - you will be able to relate.
Clarification to your question of names - Our members write message board posts, not blogs. I write blogs (essays) on the home page - usually 3 a week. The way to find information on the message boards is to go to the top, click "search". Make sure the "topic" circle is filled in, then write in what you are looking for, such as "Loneliness" or "stranger" or "diagnosis". Then click the search button. All of those discussions will appear, and you can click on any one that interests you. If you are looking for topics I have written about in my blogs, go to the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and put what you are looking for into the "search" section below the "previous blog" box. Many blogs will come up, and you can choose what interests you. Or, as I said, click on previous blogs, click on a year and a month, and scroll through the blog titles.
Thank you all so very much for all your help in researching vital information on this wonderful site. Boy, after reading thus far, I realize I have been feeding this sickness with lobster and filet mignon. And the results have been near divorce. What I read here is so on target about wondering how many marriages end in divorce because the couples have no idea what they are up against. To have my husband become so insensitive and emotionally cruel to me was something I was never going to put up with. I would fight back after unsuccessfuly trying desperately to reason with him. He would FINALLY AT SOME LATER POINT apologize, promise to never do that again, and then be so loving. But it never lasted and I would get furious thinking how he made a fool of me. Then I would withdraw totally. On and on for 4 years now. The more I read the more I do believe his problem is medical. I will continue to educate myself on this site and when I calm down and stop shaking, I will attempt to discuss it with my sons and come up with a game plan. Although, the future does really seem bleak no matter what I do or don't.....I realize I'm losing him a little every day now, and there's really nothing I can do to stop it.
gina, dear, you have an elephant in your room. You can't eat the whole critter at one time. I understand your fear and despair. We are here to help you. Just don't expect to learn and try everything at once. Small bites is the way to go. We have seen almost everything-even stuff not in the books. You now have a whole new family.
ginaginaz, I know what you are going through - been there - done that. I finally convinced my husband to see a doctor by enlisting his brother's help. If this is early dementia, you have to realize - In his mind YOU are nuts - because he cannot sense what is happening to him - none of it IS happening from his perspective. You have to tell him - "I love you. I know you do not think there is anything wrong with you. I get that. But I am afraid there is. If there is something medically wrong, I am sure it will be treatable. But for my sake, and our marriage's sake you have to see a doctor. I would never forgive myself if you had a treatable brain tumor or something like that, and I did not make you go to the doctor. Do this ONE thing for me and then I will leave you alone." That last part was a fib for me, because doctors will not opt for dementia under 65. They will rule out all else and then declare "stress!" or "depression” or both and then start dispensing pills. (Sometimes depression can cause dementia symptoms – I just knew that was not the case with my husband.) It took several years, further deterioration, and some startling events for my husband to finally go for neuropsych tests which gave us the Mild Cognitive Impairment diagnosis. That was 13 months ago and he is back to full blown denial and refusing to go back for follow up. The good news is that I finally have discovered my beating my head against a wall is only hurting me. I have finally come to a place of peace – it is what it is.
You will find much help and empathy here. Two years ago when I was searching Google for answers about my husband's behavior, Joan's blog entry of September 23, 2009 popped up. What a relief to know I wasn't alone, and I wasn't crazy! Joan's blogs and these message boards are wonderful and cover everything you'd every need to know. The blog I mentioned earlier chronicles my own journey. I write as a release for my frustrations and sadness, and also in hopes that I could help someone else stumbling through the internet searching for answers.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this and I sure hope you can get him to the doctor, and that it does turn out to be something else - something treatable. (((HUGS)))
I know you have a lot to read and absorb, but please take a couple of minutes to read this blog - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/ADdivorce.htm It is titled " Undetected Early Stage Alzheimer's Disease - A Cause for Divorce?" I really think you will be able to relate to it immediately. If you cannot copy and paste it, just go to "previous blogs" on the home page. Click 2008. Then click Wed. May 28th, 2008.
Gina - By now you must be overwhelmed. Try to settle back and let us help you cope with this new life. So far, you have not written anything that we have not already had in our personal lives. Whether or not it turns out to be AD (Alzheimer's disease) or some other form of dementia, your needs and responses will be about the same. One clue in your post is that your DH loves you, loves you, loves you and doesn't want to LOSE you. He is frightened that you will leave him, you are his anchor to the real world, don't be surprised if he clings to you like your shadow, he knows something is wrong--he doesn't have to admit it. In fact, he does love you, it is hard to ignore all the hurtful things he says, but it's best to just say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, honey, you know I love you." A smile, a kiss, ignoring the issue, changing the subject--whatever it takes to keep peace in the house--that's your goal, not to win an argument or have the last word--that's not going to happen. It has already been said, do not argue, do not defend yourself, no not reason with him--agree, apologize--even if nothing is your fault. If you feel a physical threat, get out of the room, out of the house, keep a cell phone on your person to call the police. If your sons are nearby, call them, depending on the relationship & what they learn about AD, they can probably settle him down. Yes, he will take everything out on you and only you because you're the one he knows will take it, in front of others, he's a sweetie.
If you're in a community that may have a memory clinic, university, whatever, ask your sons to go to a basic AD lecture, you should go, too. Keep a journal of his behavior for the doctor, learn to lie to keep peace in the house and not hurt him any further. Others have already said use any fake excuse to get him to a doctor, and talk to the doctor beforehand, pay for the visit, talk to the doctor afterwards, go into the exam room with him if possible because your husband will not be completely up front about things, but do not correct him in front of the doctor, and you don't have to tell your DH any of this. Get a second opinion if you are not happy with the first. Much of what you'll learn is counterintutive, you won't learn it all at once, you'll do the wrong thing (we all did), but stick with this group, no one knows more about caring for someone with dementia than those who have already done it.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Alzheimer's is a form of dementia. Not everyone with dementia has Alzheimer's. Everyone with Alzheimer's develops dementia.
Speaking of broken marriages, here is a link to an article about Larry Hagman (played JR from the show Dallas): http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/264042/My-anguish-over-wife-s-dementia-by-Dallas-star
The article is titled " My Anguish Over my Wife's Dementia," but states "The 79-year-old told how he was forced to move his beloved wife out of their £6.7million home 50 miles from Los Angeles to a flat five minutes away as he struggled to cope with her worsening dementia."
I guess he was so anguished he couldn't bear to share a home with her, and he could afford to move her - so he did! Hmmmmmm....
Hi ginaginaz, we are in year 9 of this wonderful journey. The only thing I might add is that you have to be in their reality. What matters is what they believe and there is no convincing them. We have to go along with it.
I am sorry that you have to join us in this way of life.
To All My New Friends, I have been reading up a storm on this site and am so very grateful to all of you for pointing me in the right areas. The more I read, the more I am convinced that he fits the profile to a tee. My Goodness, in reading Joan's Blogs, I actually smiled reading some of the verbiage between her and Sid because it sounded like what has gone on with us. It is so convoluted and drove me crazy just trying to figure out What The Hell Was That...... I now know I need to handle things in a way, way different fashion. After 4 years of this emotional upheaval, I really wonder if I'm strong enough to do it. I feel totally blindsided by this new awareness of what his problem is. Reading Joan's Blogs touched me so very deeply.....and brought tears to my eyes. I haven't left this computer for hours today. I am currently on xanax but make sure I only take it when Hyde is in the building. Jekyll is just so loving and wonderful, and it is amazing that I can actually see in his eyes and on his face, when that Hyde Monster takes over. A couple of weeks ago, we were watching a movie about devil possession and exorcism. I made a joke that maybe that was his problem. Need I say he didn't find that funny at all. But I certainly didn't realize how close to the truth I was. It shakes me to the very core to begin to comprehend what this illness is capable of. Please excuse my sounding like a drama queen, but right now I am in the state of shock. I am an only child and lost my Mom to Alzheimers a year ago.....so you can imagine how this new-found revelation has affected me. I am so dam scared and devastated. But, again, thank you all for your kindness. Gina
You are so absolutely correct about the possession and the eyes. I can actually see his face darken, and his eyes become possessed when a rage takes over. It doesn't happen anymore thanks to medication, but the first time it happened, it scared the crap out of me. Never, in all our years together, had I EVER been afraid of him, but when the Alzheimer Devil possessed him, I was frightened to death.
Not to burden you with more reading, but you may be interested in:
ginaginaz, I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through but the good news is that you are here, welcome!!!! The best thing that you can do is get as much knowledge as possible. While you are gaining knowledge it well help you to cope. Also, get him to see his physician as soon as possible and if you can privately let the dr. know what your suspicion is, that you think he may have dementia and tell him about what you know of his father. Knowing that he has dementia if indeed he does well help a lot. It well not make it any easier to deal with his behavior, my DH does the same kind of behaviors that yours does and he was diagnosed with vascular dementia almost 3 years ago. I am not sure why but knowing that he is sick and he is not doing these things on purpose does help.
Joang---It is reassuring to hear you concur with my assessment of the eyes and facial expressions. Thought I was going insane but have witnessed it several times already. It is something I will never forget. Deb----You are so right in saying it is kind of comforting to know his behavior is due to sickness rather than he purposely tries to hurt and humiliate me.....which is what I have been thinking all along. How much worse has he become since being diagnosed, Deb??? Have you also found, like many on this site, that it is better to ignore the irrational and damaging behavior??? Thanx for responding.
Welcome to the site but sorry you are going through this. My husband has been diagnosed with FTD (frontotemporal dementia) 3 years ago when he was 59, and he has no idea anything is wrong with him. Take care of yourself and come back here as often as you need to and ask away.
Gina, welcome to the family ♥ I am so glad you found this wonderful group of people. I remember when I first came here, I had been walking through this hell alone for years, we already had diagnoses, and I thought I was well informed. I wasn't. Even as much research as I had done on my own in all the years we were dealing with this, one is never quite prepared for the reality of the next blow. Joan's site and the wonderful people here have been my lifeline.... there is something very powerful in reading actual people's journeys.
Even knowing what I did, even with diagnoses, when I first found this site I read and read to the point I thought I was going to vomit for the knot in my stomach. So I can only imagine how overwhelmed and afraid you must be feeling. I really like what bluedaze* wrote about the elephant!! You wont be able to tackle this in one day, take some deep breaths. Sometimes I have been so overwhelmed I actually had to tell myself "breathe in, breathe out" I got so tense I swore I forgot how to breathe! It IS stressful, but now you have a whole family to try to help you ♥
As far as getting your husband to the doctor, you know him best and will instinctively know what fiblet will work the best. If your first thought doesn't work, go with your second best guess. I knew my husband Lynn HAD to go and it was very tricky indeed to get him there. I was not as well educated as I am now, so my first serious attempt failed miserably. I threatened him, gave him an ultimatum if he didn't go. Went over very badly. My next attempt was to tell him how much I loved him,I was concerned, would he please go for me. I was so loving and sweet.. but nope that didn't work either. My next attempt was to tell him I was afraid to go to my next doctor’s appointment alone, would he please go in to see the doctor with me. That is what did it for us. He would not go for him, but he would go for me.
I did just as the others have suggested, I went in and had a conference with the doctor alone prior to the appointment. When it came time for him to go our doctor was fantastic. He was able to give Lynn the initial memory testing by having me do it with him. He told Lynn he needed his help so he could help me. Worked great and the poor bugger never suspected a thing. Keep working at ideas, talk with your sons, try to figure out what you think will work best.
The best advice I can give you for the appointment is to not help your husband with any questions. That was so difficult for me...he looked to me for help and I had to tell him I couldn't give him the answer. But it is vital the doctor evaluate him. He can't do that if I am answering all the questions. I also did correct Lynn in front of the doctor. I know some think one shouldn't, but I thought it might help the doctor if he could see with his own eyes how Lynn reacted. For us it worked... as everyone has said, each person is so unique. It is really a series of trial and error.
I wish you the best of Luck Gina, and please do come back often ((hugs))
Gina--welcome to the best place you will find for spouses caring for partners with dementia. Like Nikki, I "was walking through this hell alone" for 4 years after diagnosis before I found Joan's place. This website is a wonderful support system, 24/7. As Betty mentioned above, if you have access to a memory clinic, that would be a good place to contact re a diagnosis. I have found that a neurologist or neuropsychiatrist is the type of physician that can best diagnose/treat dementia. (My husband was misdiagnosed by our family physician as having depression because he was under 60.)
You mention that you have sons and they will be invaluable to you if you can get them to help with your husband's situation. It does seem overwhelming, but you will learn to cope with all the issues as you get more educated. Using the therapeutic fibbing technique may seem awkward at first, but believe me, it is worth it! Soon it becomes a way of life.
Six years into this, the worst part so far was the period you are in, pre-diagnosis. Not knowing why my wonderful husband was changing before my eyes was torture. Believe me, you don't sound like a drama queen. All of us know how earth shattering this situation is and this is the place to let your hair down and get good advice.
Welcome Gina. Like the others, I am sorry you have the need to be here but it is the best possible place to find the help you need. Because of the same marriage break down as you describe, in 2006 I moved out and filed for divorce. After about four months I agreed to a reconciliation and soon after realized the problems were still there, were escalating and likely were medical in nature. No point on going into my details, pretty much covered by all the responses already made here.
Believe I started reading here in 2007 and I think this thread is the best one ever to spell out help for a new person. We should all make a note of it and refer future newbies to it. A wealth of info in one thread. Great responses all.
Be sure to check the home page for a list of abbreviations that will help you read the posts. DH means dear husband.
Oh my...how sad. Been there, done that. I won't add the things that happened in my relationship with my dh early on. All the horrible things expressed I also went through. My husband was 58 or 59 when he was dx. The only way I got him to the dr. and to cooperate with me was to make him think I was ill (I probably was) and that my blood pressure was very high and I could have a stroke and then who would he have. Then he (we) went to our family dr., who referred him to a neuro. The most important thing here as I see it is the fact that there are medications to control most of this behavior as well as slow the progression of the AD. This so important...and the longer he puts off getting these medications the faster he may progress with the dementia. Now, my dh is his old self as far as our relationship goes so I can handle the rest most of the time. Welcome and good luck.
GINA, We had begun seeing a marriage counselor before DX due to his behavioral changes. Marilyn is right, the dx process can be hell but there are curable diseases which present with dementia. thyroid for one. Early on in the process I knew it was dementia after reading the first few chapters of the best book I have ever read on AD: Alzheimer's Early Stages by by Daniel Kuhn. I can't recommend it highly enough as he describes the symptoms seen in a marriage and which and how many symptoms must be present for a clinical diagnosis of probable Alzheimer's by a doctor. I sent this book to close family members and friends it was so helpful. So sorry you are going through this now.
Gina, my DH never showed any signs of having a temper or abusive traits what so ever. A few months ago we were talking about something and he stopped and looked at me and said "I HAVE A TEMPER" I asked him why he thinks that he has a temper. He told me an example of his temper and it was an experience that happened to him when he was 8 years old. He is now 73. Then from that day on it has progressed. I do agree that it doesn't do any good to tell them what they did or how it makes you feel because they sometimes don't even remember doing it. An example of that is, a few months ago he told me that I was FAT and that I would never be able to marry anyone else after he dies because I need to be realistic, IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I kept it to myself for a while and it was very hurtful and then I decided to tell him how it made me feel. He didn't even remember that he had said it. So no it doesn't do any good all it does is hurt us further by their response and that is not good for us.
I am repeating a story that older members will remember. Several years ago my DH kissed me goodnight and said I love you and then went to bed. Five minutes later he came back and ask where Grace, my wife, was. I asked him "why did you kiss me goodnight and tell me you love me if you did not know who I was." His answer was "I like to be nice and friendly to everybody". It really upset me at the time but later I couldn't help but laugh about it. There have been a number of funny incidents along the way and if I didn't keep my sense of humor I would be crying all the time.