I’M REMEMBERING BACK TO LAST YEAR WHEN YOU WERE STILL HERE. I SAW A CHANGE IN YOU. YOU WERE COMBATIVE AND I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THEN, WHAT I KNOW NOW. YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOURSELF, WHY YOU WERE YELLING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. YOU WERE CRYING OUT FOR HELP, FOR UNDERSTANDING, NOT ONLY FROM ME, BUT ALSO FOR YOURSELF. YOU AND I DID NOT KNOW AT THAT TIME, WHY YOU HAD THIS WAR IN YOUR HEAD.
I FOUGHT BACK, LIKE PEOPLE DO IN WARS WHEN THEY ARE BEING ATTACKED. OUR WEAPONS WERE WORDS AND LOUDNESS. THEY WERE VERY PAINFUL FOR BOTH OF US.
THE WAR CONTINUED UNTIL IT WAS NOT SAFE TO BE TOGETHER, AND YOU WERE TAKEN AWAY. YOUR WAR KEPT ON IN YOUR HEAD, WHILE I TRIED TO HELP YOU MAKE IT THROUGH. IT WAS A LONG BATTLE FOR US I KNOW IN MY HEART, THE WAR IS OVER FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED. YOU DON’T REMEMBER HOW THIS WAR TORE US APART. THE UNFORTUNATE THING ABOUT THIS IS I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER, WHICH WILL IN TURN BE MY WAR IN MY HEAD.
Paula: Yes, it is a war of sorts & neither know who or what the enemy really is, but it's as destructive as a war. Hopefully your loved one has some peace, but you will carry it around for some time. Let it be there until time heals, but don't let it take over the life you still need to live. Take care of Paula now, she needs care, too.
Oh Paula, Our war went on for ten years or more. It was just like you wrote. I can tell you now a year and a half after the dx. That the pain and hurt do fade. SO many times I have said to myself when I thought of something that DH did or said, that's why he did that. I know it was the AD that caused it all. Believe it or not I now have kind feeling towards my DH. Something I thought would never happen again. He is still at home and is much calmer now. That does help, but the pain will fade. Let it melt from your heart, and remember he could not help it. ((Hugs)) to you.
PaulaM...It is a war, but unfortunately it is a war with your soulmate, your best friend, and spouse....It is the ultimate battlefield, where there can be no truce, no victories, and no "won " battles. Your war needs to be with the disease itself, not the person who is afflicted by it..Once you concentrate your hatred and bitterness to the dreadful alzheimers , you will begin to love the person more, and it will no longer be a war...A War means having an enemy, and your spouse unfortunately does not qualify as an enemy....
Phranque, oh how I know that now. When we were going through this last year I did not understand the disease. His doctor only told me memory loss. How stupid I was then. If I knew then what I know now, there would be no war. I would have handled it all differently. That's where I kick myself every day. If I read then like I read now, things would be easier for both of us.
Oh, Paula, we were all ignorant as we started with this dreadful disease and I bet none of us can say we did not make mistakes along the way. We too had a war but finally when I understood his behaviors were because of the disease it became easier and I was able to revert to being the loving spouse I was before. We likely have years ahead of us but he is mellow and I am at peace that I am mostly doing things right now. It helps that he had to be placed. I am now his advocate and can oversee his care from a bit of a distance and that helps too. Don't waste energy beating yourself up over past actions.
I think most of us went through a period of "war" before the diagnosis. I know I thought he was always looking for a fight, and when he would begin arguing with people over such silly things I felt I couldn't handle it. When we got the diagnosis though and talked with our new doctors, I realized he just couldn't help it. As Phranque says, the war is with Alzheimer's, not our loved one. I believe that, and finally have achieved a somewhat calm state most of the time. I ache for the way it was but there isn't anything I can do about that. It is what it is, far worse than better, but I can handle it (I think). Last night, while watching a movie, I suddenly started getting the feeling of panic. I get that sometimes. I wonder.... Will I be able to go through this? But what else can I do? I have no choice. I'll handle it.
Paula - my heart goes out to you and I'm sure you aren't alone in your feelings. I'm angry with him most of the time. He is gentle and nice to me. I need to channel my anger at the disease but I find myself irritable and cranky then remorseful and sad. He says we had so much together and I'm not ready to quit. Then he does or says something so out of whack I think where is he now in his mind. It is a bitter pill to swallow.
flo39, I could have written your post, in fact I was trying to figure out how to express exactly what you said. My DH is also gentle & nice to me (unlike a year ago when he was aggressive & verbally abusive). I am also irritable & cranky all the while saying in my head, “STOP STOP STOP”! I know that part of my problem is that he wants to be with me 24/7 & if I don’t get even a couple hours break once in a while that is when I get irritated. I know that he is afraid to be alone, but it’s driving me crazy. If you figure out how to channel your anger at the disease please let me know.
Yes let me know too if you find a way to aim the anger at the disease.I am always upset and angry even though he is kind and never raises his voice to me.I wish I could say the same for myself.I am a terrible care giver now-I have fought and dealt with mental illness (his) for 37 of our 45 years and was never thisLOST and ALONE.I was always able to work through what ever he needed at the time and get him back on his feet , he was even able to hold down a good job through all those years and retire with 35 years service.But this is tearing us apart and I do not know if I ill be able to hold it all together.