Phranque, I wish I had your calmness..your ability to remain level headed. I am not doing so well at that.Maybe it is the fatigue setting in..I seem to be becoming mindless..forget what I did with something..my fury mounts when I get these ∆ˆø≠º≠––º telemarketer calls and reporting to FCC does no good at all..just so worn down. You and your family somehow you manage to keep it together..maybe that is the answer, family nearby to lend a hand..in any case, you and your kids are doing a great job and just maybe Audrey is enjoying" seeing "you work in harmony so she is keeping on keeping on...who knows..she is one strong lady and the matriarch of a strong family and wonderful family. Bless all of you.
I just had a very major breakdown. I have been crying for the past two hours, and I could not control my stoic emotion. I now have a huge headache, but I feel on the verge of breaking down in tears any moment. My dw has been sleeping almost constantly for the past two days, and around 8am this morning, I took a foam lollipop, swished it around her mouth to clean it out, and gave her the oxycodone.. About 20 minutes later, I noticed that the diaper was soaked, so I told her that I would have to roll her on her side, and clean her up. Normally, she yells, complains, and then tells me how much she hates me.....but this morning, she quietly said OK... I rolled her to her side, took off the incontinence pad, and the diaper, and did spring cleaning. I got a new pad under her, new diaper, and rolled her back, and I was amazed on how easy this has become for me...once you learn the technique, it is so much easier. Anyway, I finished and covered her with a blanket. Then she did the most amazing thing ever,,,she raised her head, smiled, and kissed me on the cheek. That did it. Pushed me over the edge of emotion. I had to leave the room, could not breathe, could not see, and stumbled outside, where I sobbed, bawled, and grieved like never before. I am so glad that the kids were not around, because I have been trying to maintain a happy face, and keep a positive attitude. I never expected the pain to be so severe, so deep, and shattered my heart. I am humbled. I thought I was strong. I felt that this disease would not conquer me. Wrong wrong wrong. I am shattered.
This was only to be expected. We can hold our emotions in check just so long before the dam breaks. It shows your humanity. Bless Audrey for doing this to you. Really one of her last gifts to you. Apparently her job isn't done yet.
phranque, i think its healthier for you at this point to let go and not play the happy face today. there is nothing happy about it. letting the tears flow with or without the kids is necessary and will ease your pain. our body knows when we need a release and today is your time. so sorry, divvi
Shirley hit it right on the head. Don't be afraid to let out your grief it is the only way to relieve the stress of taking care of the one you love all the while knowing they are dying a little more each day. When we first got the diagnosis the first thing our Dr told us that there was no cure and it was always fatal. Now we see what he meant as they die a little more each day. Thru praying I have found that as my DW lives her last days is that I have found a kind of peace in knowing her painful and long journey is almost over. When I go in the room where she is sleeping the first thing I do is check to see if she is still here or not. I don't know when she will go but I know it will happen soon and am thankful for every day when I get to cuddle up next to her not knowing if it will be the last time or not.
Hang in there and know we are all praying for each other while trying to complete this assignment in life that we have been given.
I am back, feeling a bit restored, but I will not break down in front of her. She does not have to share my grief, nor add it to all her fears and worries. I wish I could hold her and cry my eyes out, but as her caregiver, I have to focus on her emotional condition. There may be a time when I can share grief with her, but for now, I must keep myself together. There will be plenty of time for crying..perhaps the rest of my life. After all, would you want a caregiver who is bawling hysterically?? or one who can still smile and make you feel at ease? Caregiving is not about me...it is only about her.
Dear sweet Frank.......as much as it hurts, I am relieved to hear you finally broke down. You needed that release. And it does not show weakness, it shows great strength. I try to never cry in front of Lynn as well, so I understand what you are saying.......
A smile and a kiss....such gifts for you to treasure.......
You remain deep in my heart and thoughts....much love and big hugs <3
I applaud your feelings. Good that you are somewhat relieved. Your decisions are very sound regarding holding it in while in Audrey's presence. She is very aware what you are going through.
It happened to me at the end, and 3 or 4 times after Eric's death. I found it healing, although devastating at the time because of its intensity. I think it was because I'd tried so hard for so long, as we all have.
Phranque, now you have me crying. You have touched my heart. Praying for you and yours as you come to the end of this journey. May the good Lord give you peace and Bless you.
Oh dear Frank, you have been so strong for all of us for so long. I like Bama, am now crying with you. Alot of help we are huh, lol. I did cry with Jim at the end. I was so broken, overwhelmed with such grief, so tired, scared and alone. It was good though, we held each other and just cried. Then we picked ourselves up and got on with business. Don't beat yourself up over grieving, it is a normal part of the process. Oh and I hate to be the one to break it to you, but...steady yourself, my friend,,,,,,you are a normal human being, sorry ;-( I'll be mailing a case of Kleenex, the nice soft kind, and some Advil. Hang in there my friend, you have all of us praying for you. Arms around and around, Susan*
Phranque, my prayers (and tears) are with you and your family. You've raised my spirits soooo many times on my journey with your wit and wisdom. It's comforting to know we're all on this boat--ark, really a boat wouldn't hold us--together. Not to be irreverent, but a farmer cousin's saying in the face of "difficulties" was "keep your tailgate up."
Frank-I think you're out of adrenaline. You can only run on nerves for so long. Let this finally be a quiet time for you alone and let the tears flow. You and Audry raised your family to be strong and you can finally let go.
Dear friend, there is a time for tears and looks like today was yours. Try not to fight them too much. They can be beneficial, headache or not. There may even be a time when it's right to share tears with the kids--you will know. You are all hurting and will need to grieve together, just as you have been caregivers together. know that we love you and will be crying with you. Blessings.
Phranque, I have been out of touch for the past 3 weeks - having a knee replacement - and have just read through these notes. My prayers are with you as you go through this terrible process. You are lucky to have good kids to help you. You are doing everything you can to provide her the care she needs. I'm surprised at your hospice. We had hospice briefly for my wife and they were very helpful. But then she was discharged because she didn't deteriorate. My three kids have been taking care of my wife while I am recuperating from the surgery, and they are all tired. Now they know what I, and all of us here, go through.
Phranque, I know that Guys are supposed to be tough, but I think your emotions will take control and there is nothing you can do about it. I had an episode about a month ago I woke in the middle of the night and I could not stop crying. That was the first time in my life that it has happend and it did help to release all the built up feelings, you need to let these out and just acknowledge what it is. This is the hardest part of the journey, and you need to let it out and not let it build up. I hope that you will feel better soon and it is ok if you do not, this is hard stuff.
Frank, I'll repeat what Weejun said. There is a time for tears, and it will be good for the kids to see you are grieving as they are. Wish I had something wise and comforting to say, but I don't.
I think it takes a very stong man to cry and show his emotions. I can understand why you feel that a caregiver is all about the one that is being cared for. That doesn't change the fact that we need to take care of ourselves too. I have always felt that the reason ( in general) men don't live as long as women is because they hide their emotions and keep everything inside. That is not good for them physically. They have been raised to believe that they have to be strong and suck it up!!! I for one think that men who are not afraid of showing their emotions are attractive. How bout it ladies!!!!! But seriously though, I agree with everyone that you needed that release no matter who was there to see it. I don't like crying in front of my DH either but unfortunately some times it happens and when or if he asks me what is wrong I just say that I don't feel good. Most of the time he doesn't even notice. I guess it must be the apathy he has.
What a beautiful story..I can just visualize your beautiful Audrey looking up at you and smiling and saying thank you with a gentle kiss. That would bring any of us to our knees with gratitude, sadness, and overwhelming love....This is the hardest job anyone can be assigned and you, above all, have carried this burden with utmost grace and love and a sense of humor..not everyone can do that. Bess you and your family and know we are all here for you. But you need to vent, cry and cry hard.I understand about wanting to keep the stiff upper lip for the sake of your wife. And I wish I had your control in that area...yesterday I had the major breakdown and while I did some crying, I was also nearly mad as a hatter..walking around the house, beating the garbage cans again and busting rocks...all the while my poor DH was looking on at this crazy person...some of us manage stress better than others and you are one of the best at keeping it together but there is a point where you do hit the wall and can't hold on longer and have to give in to the crying session or ground pounding or pillow punching or whatever gets it out... It is always most touching when we see one suffering the disease and the loved one who tends to them go through this when there is such a wonderful love story as the foundation and you and your wife have just such a love story and have raised such a beautiful family.... You are a marvel...
I am in a vulnerable mood so Frank's posts on this thread have me crying too. Then I just read another thread where he posted about his cure for the plaques and tangles, a mix of toothpaste and shampoo, and he had me laughing out loud. So it's a roller coaster of emotions reading his posts!
Phranque— Throughout her journey on the Alz road Audrey has been blessed with unlimited love from you, Kim, and Kevin. Through Kim’s and Kevin’s unity with you and your: Perseverance Heart Rapier wit and humor Abiding dedication Nurturance Quality research and treatment Unconditional love, and Enduring efforts She is finishing her journey well. You, Kim and Kevin know the Alz Battle is considered an unwinnable war, but you and she are winning. Right now she is still “with” you to some degree, and she eventually will be whole again, and she will have made it with dignity and love. She has been hurt badly but not destroyed and you and your kids are still with us. We are all mourning as Audrey is leaving, but also celebrating her life and the wonderful family who are seeing her through and allowing us to learn from them. Continue exercising the dedicated talents you’ve developed during the rest of your lives and you’ll be able to do anything. Peace and Blessings to you and your family.
P S Remember, when the motor won’t engage. Shut it down for a few seconds, restart it and beep 3 times. It’s a Fail Safe. ;o)
Phranque let um flow,when I make the trip out to see LO its a rare day that it doesn't take two hankerchiefs,one going an one comin back,there will be better days ahead
Frank, I've been holding back tears all day because my DH has reached another stage but after reading your post, I had to let the tears flow. It's so, so sad what is happening to all of us.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving
I, too, am feeling your sadness, Franque; I can only imagine how this time feels to you. As difficult as this journey is for all of us and as many times as we want to run away and not face all this pain and responsibility, the thought of the aloneness at the end is even worse to think about. There is a collective sadness from all of us at this time for you, Franque - you are loved and honored. I think I'll go cry now - I like those triple soft tissues, too, lol.
Phranque and Bruce, my thoughts and prayers are with you both as you travel the last part of this journey. If I am half as brave as you are when my time comes, I will be proud.
Tonight after a very frustrating experience in the bathroom I went back into the bathroom to clean up and kicked the toilet. I'm not sure why I thought that was a good idea because I kicked it so hard the ceramic tank cracked and water started leaking out. So I tried to shut off the valve but it was stuck. So I got pliers quickly and made it turn but it started jetting out a stream of water. So I raced downstairs and turned the main off. I have no water in the house because I am an idiot. Also a neanderthal with a bucket.
Sorry about that Wolf. I too, had a frustrating experience in the bathroom yesterday. I am glad that I didn't think of kicking the toilet. I just got angry and then had to deal with the human fallout of my anger. When is the plumber coming?
wolf i hope you had a boot on when you kicked the ceramic. :) frustration can get the best of us. sometimes its best to just let it out but take care you dont get hurt in the process. now to deal with cause and effect... :( divvi
That's right divvi. Older toilet. Kind of a mocha colour. It all just erupted and suddenly I was watching myself kung fu the toilet. I'm trying to remember the last thing I kicked. I'm more a thrower or a slammer. It was my wife who was the kicker. She has broken three doors. Each time kicking a hole into full interior doors. They were during the time her parents were getting older and she was always driving over there getting them things. Anyways that valve is now tightly closed so the water is back on but that's the one she used so I am doing the bucket thing.
People don't really believe that about her but it's true. It's my plate tectonics theory of people. I'm more relaxed today. It's very lucky I don't have serious damage. I'm a thyroid case (or was). People have gotten so tall I don't stand out anymore thank god after 10,000 "how's the weather up there?" jokes, I haven't heard that in 20 years. I can palm most ceilings and wallpaper without a ladder. I can't fit into every car to drive. I think that saved me here although the ankle is a bit tender and bruised. It was the bottom of the foot that hit the top ceramic plate. Now I'm apparently buying a new toilet. Let see...plumber, plumber. Moron, no. Neanderthals kicking appliances, here we are...plumber.
WHAT IS IT WITH BATHROOMS OF LATE? MAYBE I STARTED IT!!!! a month ago, our toilet overflowed...not sure why but DH didn't notice...but the cat sure did she hasn't used her litter box in there since...anyway I went through the overhead! Caught grandson in a lie to his granddad the day before..anyway..it has been weeks since we had to rip out baseboards, take things out of the bedroom...it went on for weeks..now I am leaving and I am so far behind I should canc the trip but stress is winning... Then this week, hubby was driving me nuts and I couldn't take anymore and I blew up and I mean I felt dangerous. I went out and slammed the doors to the truck as hard as I could several times, then I beat up the big green waste barrel and it was all dented in by the time I got done with it, got in the garden and threw big rocks down on the ground and busted them up...chain gang style and then went in the house and started slamming doors..DH thouht I had gone round the bend.. Then we feel terrible because we lose control and our spouse looks bewildered and so it goes..crap we are only human pushed to the wall and held there so hard and no one but us here on these threads begins to understand it all. If my neighbors had seen this display I am sure they would have called the cops. I just kept saying " I can't do this anymore" and cried and cried...NO ONE GETS IT and it angers me when people who are NOT in this position have the temerity to tell me how to manage...let them come do this job for a few months ALONE..no help or help that is iffy at best. better get back to packing or I'll never get out of here.
Day 30 without any food, and just minor sips of liquids..And, so far only 2 visits from the hospice nurse. I called her this morning and gave her the status reports....she replied "OH I was just about to call you"....yeah right....sure you were....You were too busy filling out medicare paperwork so you can get paid...anyway, she says that she will be here on Monday. It is truly amazing how we can find the resources and get better attention when we do it ourselves..... Murray- showed up yesterday morning, sweating, difficulty breathing, on the verge of collapse...Solution: give him oxygen, hydrate him, and let him sit for an hour----Off he went, content and back to normal. This morning: Mom calls, gives me her grocery list...I relay information to my brother...1 hr later, all items are in her house....then at 11:00, she calls to tell me the air conditioning is not working...her house is 85 degrees, and it is 95 degrees outside.... Solution: Call my brother, and put him on call....run to mom's, turn on a/c, then install window unit (temporary emergency backup) in her bedroom...11:30, house is 86, bedroom is 78.....a/c not blowing too cold, so call my brother and give him the status.... 2PM. My brother calls, recharges a/c and adds 1 lb of freon, tests system, and now temp is down to 83, but blowing cold. 2:01, sip drinks in the pool, laugh , and count my blessings....What a coordinated family I have.....I am starting to wonder who my parents really were...I think that it is I that was swapped at birth...
OOOps...11PM, mom calls. A/c not working, and temp is 82, and wonderful brother took out the temporary window unit...My brother says that he just went to bed, and will go over tomorrow around 11pm. I grab Daisy (so she wont bark while I am gone), take a chance that Audrey will still be sleeping, drive like a madman possessed and install the window a/c. Why is it that waiting till tomorrow is just not acceptable for me?? I am irritated that my brother is insensitive, and puts his comfort before my mom's...I took a huge risk leaving my dw alone, but I took the house phone, called myself on my cell phone bluetooth, set up the baby monitor next to the phone, and I could hear everything in the house while I was gone...She snored a bit, but did not wake up or call for me...Phew. At least mom will sleep tonight, and not have problems breathing...sometimes I wish others would feel the urgency of the little things that make a difference. I just had to vent because I took a huge risk....but it was worth it. 10am today: a/c is fixed (?). My brother went over this morning, turned it on and it works....I anticipate something is still wrong, and it is hard to figure out why it quit....We are leaving the emergency window unit in this time...just in case.......
As always you are a thoughtful person that not everyone will appreciate. Here we appreciate you. God is so looking over you and Audrey and he knows your heart. You are a giving soul. I sometimes wonder if the life we have is because we are stronger and more prepared to handle things than we think and we are a giving soul. I am so glad all went well as you did a job well done for someone else. Love your dedication to those that you love Phranque. Try to rest and get some sleep. Let the angels watch over you and Audrey for a while. Good night and God Bless.
Phranque, you truly are a gem among gems...you do so much for your wife and for others too..I don't know how you manage this...
As to the hospice...you are not being served well..I have had some experience with Hospice and from what most others say the concern and and organization are lacking. When you get the chance you have such a good way of communication you could give them the full monty so to speak and make it sound like a compliment...they need to have an after action report and make adjustment. Bless you and your wonderful family.
I am off tomorrow to VA and then on the 23d to Iceland but will try to keep up from there..
I'[ll miss everyone if I don't get my daily dose..
Has anyone heard from Phranque? I hope they are holding up ok, I have been worried about all of them in these past few days...If you peek in, Phranque, know that all of us have our arms around all of you.