A while ago I was on my computer and DH came and started talking about me hiding money from him. I told him our money is in the bank with both our names on EVERYTHING. He is going on about me cheating him and taking my name off everything. I blew up and told him if I was going to cheat him I would have done it a long time ago. I also told him him he has really pissed me off accusing me of cheating him and to get the hell away from me and not even speak to me. He is now in his bedroom, probably sleeping. I don't care if he doesn't remember what he said when he comes out I won't just let it blow over. He isn't capable of taking care of ANYTHING and would be up the proverbial creek if it wasn't for me. He can't even change the blades in his razor.
(((((Hugs)))) Jean21. I have not gotten into anything like that and hope I don't, but from all the post here am aware it could happen.
For you, you have to let it go. It will only eat away at you, raise your blood pressure, interfere with your sleep, etc. This disease takes enough from us - we have to all fight to not let it take our sanity.
I have been in your shoes lots of times. First time I blew up but then I decided not to use up all that nervous energy on someone who didn't care how I felt. My dh can't change his razor blades either. I think I will get him disposables next; they are cheaper and probably just as good.
This isn't an easy road we are travelling. Just remember you have friends here who have heard it all.
Charlotte, I have had high BP for over 20 years and I don't sleep well anyway.
shirley, I bought DH a bunch of disposables from Sam's a couple of months ago. He didn't like them. He doesn't like electric razors, Schick or any other. A while ago I bought him a Pro Fusion which isn't cheap nor are the blades. You are supposed to change the blade when the blue strip turns white. So far DH wants it changed when it is only half white. According to him he isn't getting a good shave. I put it all down to him not knowing how to use a razor of any kind. Needless to say he gets on my nerves!
Jean21, I feel your pain! I get really mad at my DH too. I am finding out that I am more mad at the situation of his having dementia than I am actually mad at him. Yes, I get mad at him too but...right now none of us are getting our needs or desires met, we are caring for someone day after day week after week month after month year after year with out being cared for in return and that can cause a lot of resentment, at least it can in me. Life the situation that you told us about his acusing you of cheating him out of his money, that is a " classic" thing that people with dementia do,it is not any less irritating but it "sor of " helps to know where it is coming from. Here is a big hug from me to you {{{{{hug}}}}}
jean so sorry to hear he has started this - its not unusual for them to start this hiding/accusation/cheating issues. its classical AD and it may be time to talk to his dr about the meds again -could become another obsession for him to grab on to like the parking. while its very disturbing to hear, its best to let it go an dnot dwell on it. not easy but best.
Well DH came to me a few minutes ago kind of asking why I was mad. I say kind of because he talks AD and you have to figure out what he means. I told him why and he apologised and said he probably couldn't handle the money anyway. I told him I was pretty sure he couldn't.
deb, I know accusing people of taking money or items is part of AD. His sister accused both of us a year ago of having a hundred thousand of her money. I didn't like it then and told her so and I sure didn't like it coming from my DH. She lost a good friend by accusing her of stealing $6,000.00 from her. The friend used to go to the ALF and visit, do her hair and take her wherever she wanted to go. She is now in Alzheimer's Facility and I am responsible for her money as well as ours!!!!!!
I had a similar situation a few weeks ago. It has sense blown over and not sure if he remembers it or not. I won't bring it back up because I don't want to fan any more flames. I'm over my anger now. It took awhile. If/when it happens again I will go to his doctor for meds.
Jean21, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this obsession. Thank God we aren't there - yet. I always handled our money from the time we were married, and he has never questioned anything I do- yet. But he does think we are loaded and can buy anything we want. If Only!
Oh Jean21, been there, done that, didn’t bother to get the T-shirt! My DH would accuse me of stealing money from him. Then he would call me awful names. I also yelled back at him, it is a normal response when someone accuses you of something you didn’t do. Yes, we know it is the disease talking, but most of the time that is the last thing on our mind when we are being verbally abused. I can’t remember how long that phase lasted. But now my DH doesn’t do that much anymore. He gets angry, but I actually try to hold my tongue because the less I say the quicker he forgets. As far as shaving goes, that is another issue. My DH can’t comprehend anymore that his whiskers grow back everyday & when he wakes up in the morning he gets upset because those “nickets” are on his face. I tell him that all men have them every day, but of course he forgets from day to day. He shaves as well as he can but he gets upset because it isn’t smooth so I take my Intuition ladies razor (the one with the block of shaving soap right by the razor) & I try to shave him as close as possible. My DH also has apologized after he has been mean or abusive. deb42657, WOW, your statement “I am finding out that I am more mad at the situation of his having dementia than I am actually mad at him” really hit home. Unfortunately I seem to take out my anger at the situation on him.
Jean 21 Been there done that,one night LO called police an wanted me thrown out of house,when I tried to explain to police officer he got testy with me an told me unless I had papers to prove LO's condition he was taking her at her word,said she was as sound of mind as I was,as it happened on Easter weekend I let it slide til monday am an then made an appt with the local police chief an explained what had gone on,he called all his patrol officers in an gave then a dressing down an said it would never happen again as long as he was Chief of Police.The missing money thing went on here for months,too many folks coming in an stealing LO's money,except noone else was ever in the house,LO would hide things an think someone stole them,I don't envy anyone going thru this stage but as said before ya just can't get in a pissin match with them,I know its hard not to but it will serve no usefull purpose
I spoke too soon. There must be something in the air. I have spent the last hour trying to "reason" with dh. He thinks or has some crazy notion that the bank has control of an annuity that was set up with John Hancock. He can't understand what he reads anymore and he gets the statements but he doesn't understand them. I am blue in the face. I complain his memory of our life is gone but I wish this preoccupation with money would leave him. He thinks he has more than what is stated and he doesn't. No wonder I go to bed some nights and wake up every 45 min. It takes everything I have to keep things organized. When he gets like this I want to just get out of here. All week he has harped on one financial item or another. He gets things so mixed up in his mind it is pathetic. Wants me to go to the bank with him to "straighten the mess out". I know very well the moment he opens his mouth, they won't know what the hell he is talking about. I guess you could call this the paranoia du jour.
DH went to bed before 9.00 which is about his usual time. I imagine he will have forgotten everything tomorrow.
Vickie, I have always managed our money since we were married (over 45 years). He would ask once in a great while how much we had but that was it. His attitude today was he was the one who earned the money as if that was all it took and somehow it would just multiply. Yeah, right.
Elaine, I tell myself plenty of times it's the disease but every now and then I lose it. As for shaving it has nothing to do with the AD he has had numerous razors over the years including every brand of electric ones. None of them were any good if you can believe it.
divvi, the neuro recently upped the dose of Seroquel to 75 at night because his paranoia was getting worse. Just have to wait and see what happens next.
ol don. DH doesn't have any money anymore. What he had he gave to me months ago and now has a grand total of $5.00 in his wallet!!!!
Jean 21 well my LO never had any money either but she always thought she had a bundle,funny thing was after she was placed I found over 600 dollars in her dresser,have no idea where it came from because I had access to both of our accounts an never saw any money going out of her account that I didn't know about,she was also great about hiding keys,any important papers,they can sure stir the pot
OK guys you are all singing my song tonight-My DH has driven to crazy this evening not over money(we never did have any anyway)but over the referigator!He will just stand with the door open for no appearent reason,when I ask him to shut it he does but then just opens it again.This has gone on and on,I finally got MAD and yelled at him to no avail.SO in my usual calm(HAHA) way I ran from the room slamed the dor and began to scream loudly.This did not help I know but at the time it was either that or LEAVE the house completely,which I could not do. He did not even seem to notice!!!!! OK I know it is this d--- disease but why does it have to KILL us both???
bak, I hope things are better today. My DH can be obsessive about some things but I just let him go. Of course if it was the fridge I think I might get a lock for it. I don't know why we were chosen to be caregivers of someone with AD or some form of dementia but I am sure there is someone out there who would do better than I at caregiving. I guess we will all have to hang together and tough it out.
I think ANYONE would be better at this than me right now.When He chose me to caregive ,I think he had His blinders on or else He would have seen that I was not a good choice now after already dealing with on and off mental problems (with DH)for the last 38 years.I am worn out from holding everything together. And to make matters worse,after a terrible evening< I had a migrain headache last night.So Here I sit this morning feeling like I have a major hang-over. Oh well it is another day and all I can do is try harder I guess.
As mentioned elsewhere, I have a bicycle lock strung through the 3 door handles on our fridge all the time, also through pocket doors into the kitchen at night. I relate to screaming when I've reached my limit--go to the back of the house, open a window and scream into the woods. And I KNOW as everyone else here does--it's "just the disease."
Yes and even on FB ( not or ALZSpouse) I find we have to be careful of what we say...the other day my youngest step daughter ( who is obsessed with some band called Ketura and she is 50 so go figure) posted " I woke up on the right side of my brain and life is wonderful" whatever that really means.. I posted " That's great. I woke up to an overflowing toilet that flooded the bathroom, closet and vanity area. I don't know what fun is but I sure can tell you what loss feels like"..to which I got " No one admires a whiner. I admire all the suckeruppers in the world".
She is on my shi* list.
I have come to the decision that I am not going to bother to tell the girls how their dad is doing..All they talk about is all the fun they are having..gigs here and there, trips, safaris you name it....life for them is wonderful..they don't ask how he is..if they ask him he tells them " I am great. I feel wonderful, I don't hurt anywhere". and that suits them just jimmydamndandy. I even had to get after the grandson I paid over 1000.00 for airfare and security guide between flights for to spend time with his grandad..for a couple of days..what did he do? He hid away in his room and was on the computer skype talking to his friends and then lied about it.... So It is DH and me and that is it with family. If they want an update they can ask. I am so done trying to get them to interact with DH while they could have some meaningful conversations about his youth, his career and philosophy of life..They lose!
As to the shaving bit...well two years ago DH was complaining that the razor ( Remington) that used to be my Dad's didn't work anymore..I thought well it might be old so when he got himself a new one, after 6 months he complained the new one "wasn't very good..didn't give him a close shave like my dad's did. So for Christmas I got him a new one. 9 ( all this before DX ) Then when he started to complain about the new one after a few months I took a look at all of them..they didn't work cuz he did not clean any of them...so I do..but did I get it then that something was wrong? No not until I was away from home for a trip an came back and saw he kept going after the paper for the day and date...started out with eye doctor, then Cpap doctor and finally neuro..bingo..
Sometime symptoms are right in front of us and we don't know what we are seeing.
ol don...for years and years my mom would rat hole some of her household money for something she wanted....over the years she bought nice bed linens, the silver tea service I now have, her fine china, and so on..she didn't spend on herself very often..now and then a sale and would get a nice dress. Dad was never stingy..but she just sort of did it this way..When she died, I found funds in one of her purses..she had a travel money thing she called her " old sock" and even dad caught on and found humor in that. Later when my dad died, I found a belt he had..brand new never used but it was a travel belt and had I not looked closely at it would have missed the several hundred dollars I found in it. Mom ended up with AD, Dad had memory issues later but he was 92 then.
I know when my MIL passed away my FIL found hundreds of dollars hidden in a coffee can in the kitchen. It was from over the years of saving from the food money. It was her rainy day money.
After that haranging last night over money, I woke up exhausted. Naturally dh didn't say a thing about money which made me thankful. Your post regarding family really hits a raw nerve with me. 4 of our kids live far away but one single daughter lives only 15 miles away and we see her less than one son who is thousands of miles away. She calls fairly often but rarely asks about her dad. She could invite us over making it an outing for her dad but noooo she is too self-absorbed. I feel so alone in this AD lifestyle. When my refrig stopped working this week in this ungodly heat, I just sat down and cried. Being the sane one, I had to take care of the situation. I think my tears are wasted because no one cares about me anymore.
Shirley, I hear you..It was just last Sunday that our grandkid was here..and it was last Sunday that the guys outing was scheduled. And it was last Sunday, after I had been up since about 6, that I needed to get things going if they were to get out the door by 8:30 with their mates for the day. I went back to the bedroom and DH was up, got the kid up, went back to check on things with DH. Don't know if he had gone to the loo or what but it was last Sunday that the toilet boiled over and so did I. I am a retired Marine and I have heard bad word known to Marines...we call it Marinespeak...and did I use it...youdamnbetchaIdid! Scared bloody hell out of the kid ( big grin I was mad at him anyway) and boy did I let it rip..I am surprised that the neighbors didn't hear! What these people, including our own kids don't understand is that we get pushed to the wall with this f§¶∞¢£™disease ( see I cleaned up my Marinespeak ;) ) and at some point we either blow off or end up jumping off the bridge or highway overpass! We can only take so much yet are expected to act like saints all the time.
I posted my new motto on my FBpage...I don't think anyone including the kids will get it but I put " RUN SILENT RUN DEEP" and what it means for me is that when it comes to my DH's condition I will run silent...if they don't care to really ask, to make time for him to learn how he really is doing, to be content with " I am great, I feel good and don't hurt anywhere" to excuse themselves, to keep the head in the sand then to hell with them all and the day he does not know them...well Tango Sierra! I have told them all to take time to write him snail mail letters but no...too busy...well I am too busy for them now too.
Get this one..I talked to our parish priest about my situation and he said he grandmother suffered this disease and it hurt terribly when she didn't know him anymore..like we don't get that? and then he went on to say.." everyone grieves this in their own way." So I guess the ol Ostrich trick works for them. If I don't see it it doesn't exist...
The same thing has happened to me with my hb. He accused me of taking his money even though he has a conservator. It is so annoying. I just hate the accusations. They can say some really hurtful things and don't even remember. Meanwhile your heart is broken and you just want to slap them. More crap we have to suck up.
Lee, did you read what my step daughter said to me...." I admire the suckeruppers. No one admires a whiner..." sure is nice to have to deal with this long distance so you can go your merry little way.
Mimi, having almost made it through to the other side (though it's not all over yet b y a long shot), I see that these people do not have it in them to give. It's their loss of humanity, and it's sad. As a general observation, I see that many people are scared and burdened down, and instead of reaching out to others and acting with common decency, will go inside themselves to protect and bolster themselves by attacking others. This is not to say that it isn't crazy-making when they do it, especially when we are beyond exhausted. Last time (not long ago) that it happened, I took a hammer and broke every #^&@)&^% balloon of the Balloon Lady that one $+*@(&^# wanted, claiming to the Executor that it was a Royal Doulton (sp?). On the bottom, it was clearly stamped, "Made in Occupied Japan." Boy, did I feel good!!!!
The suckerupper has been out to look out for her dad when I have been gone in the past but if DH doesn't want to something, then she just does her FB and computer and her songwriting stuff..takes off on walks and cook? No they go to dinner or lunch to keep her entertained..but at least she she has been here..the other two are living outside the country...in their own worlds...work and friends and not a real worry about what goes on here..
The Almighty made huge mistake making me a caregiver..I am no Mother Theresa.
Mimi, I'm not sure about that. It sounds like you're fighting for him with one hand and taking care of him with the other. Like so many of our spouses - your husband's a lucky man.
On the tread topic I would be careful about what we wish for. My friends who are obviously just protecting themselves from this horrible disease have become quite useful to me. It hurts me I'm not denying that; but, it's also true that they make great targets and a wonderful channel for my anger where everybody wins. I can't actually be mad at my wife or anyone else that she has this disease - but I can sure as h*ll rip into them when I'm mad because they - have - earned it.
I'm not from the school that believes it's alright to bounce up to a cancer victim and point out nobody likes a gloomy gus. I'm also not going to judge those nimrods either. Putting a bag over your head and singing that everything is f*i*n*e when anyone with the IQ of a duck knows it isn't saves a lot of time with who to trust when the chips really are down and somebody actually has to lift the weight.
They will sing louder and pretend harder. And yet it's never too late and sometimes they come around. One of my friends I had spent hours shredding did finally and is now caring. It's stunning what we see in those around us while we try to survive.
Wolf, Thanks so much for the kind words. You know I don't think anyone here is angry at the spouse who has the disease..but we are all angry at what is happening to them and the lives and futures that are being stolen from both of us..
These friends who are hiding out to protect themselves from this horrible disease...what do they have to fear...that they might end up as a caregiver? If they do, then they will one day regret turning us out as we would have been the source of the education they will need..I agree they make great targets so maybe we do need them lol.eyes rolling..
Soon enough we do find out who our loyal friends are...the ones there through thick and thin with this disease...I still contend, If I outlast myu dh, when the time comes, his memorial may well be invitation only...I'll know who stood by...those that didn't who needs them now?
"No one admires a whiner. I admire all the suckeruppers in the world".
And this from family... lovely! I would give her something to suck right up her upper LOL. Actually I would have written back... Thank you for your kind compassion, your help and support with your father's care has always meant a great deal to me. Kind of like waving to someone who is giving you the bird. Pisses them off when they know they can't get to you.
Mimi - I would keep posting replies like that and let her make her comments. If any of her FB friends are mature, they will read her cold and insensitive comments and see what she is really like. Ignore her comments - do not reply to them. Let them roll off your back. I have a daughter that would reply like yours - looks really bad when she replies to the world with comments like she does.