I'm really new at this. My husband will have a neurologist exam next month because he has not been officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's at this time. He does however, have dementia of that I'm sure. My question to the group is when did you get power of attorney. Did you discuss the dementia with your person you care for and how did you go about this. Was there someone who intervened for you. I'm thinking my husband will not take this very well at all. We've been married 59 years and this is so unbelievable to me that we're at this place. Other's here will know how devastated I am. I just need someone to tell all my worries and fears to. What is ahead?? His sister had Az and was in a nursing home (a vegetable) for so long. This thought terrifies me. My partner and my sounding board is gone and someone else is in his skin. He resents my doing all he did but I think he knows he isn't capable of what I'm doing. There are other's depending on me too and I'm not able to give him all the attention I'd like to. Anyone have something they've experienced and would share I' d like to read it.
Welcome to this site. You will find a lot of support here and a lot of good advice. We are all at different stages with this journey. I would say the first thing you should consider is getting with a good Elder Care Attorney who can guide you through the wickets of getting the POA< DPOA, trusts in order etc. This particular lawyer can advise on medicaid and VA benefits too. All of us here would tell you to do these things while your DH is in a position to make decisions meaningful to him. The folks here on the site all have different experiences, some use medicaid, some will never qualify for medicaid. Others will share NH experiences some of us yet have to face. You will find more support here than in most local support groups. But it is not all bad and sad, have humor here too. We also have the sticky notes on the front page with topics of use as well as all sorts of referals on the home pages. WE are all sorry you have to join us in this. However, this is a great site for sharing.
Hi Flo, Our wills and POAs were drawn up years before we ever dreamed of AD so that was not a problem. Having it activated worried me and I probably left it longer than I should have. I told Gord that as he was having great difficult writing his signature, perhaps I should have the POA. I know that he didn't understand but he was in agreement.
DH and I have been married 56 yrs. About 8 yrs. ago when dh was healthy and sane we went to an attorney and had trusts, wills and durable POAS taken care of. I am all set as far as taking care of business but I do want to go back to attorney to ask about changing my POA. HB certainly couldn't do anything now so I suppose I should give POA for me to one of my kids. This is such a tough thing because I could easily get incapacitated by stroke or whatever and someone else would have to step in and take care of things. Dreadful to think about but it has to be done. Some people name another person as personal representative to handle things.
I have already used my POA for dh. I contacted financial advisor and told him that dh wasn't capable of those decisions anymore regarding his IRA. DH had to sign a form but he didn't know what he was signing and I told him it was just to update his account.
I am sure you can get lots of advice on this site but seeing an elder care attorney is a very good idea.
My husband and I took care of our DPO's etc. soon after his DX. The way I was DX with cancer about 2 months after he was DX with AD. After my treatment I suggested we do it in case my cancer returned. Our will had been done for years. I have since changed my will and DPA etc. He is Stage 7 now and cannot do anything like that.
Be sure and get you DPA quickly. I have been amazed how many times I have had to use it, just in everyday life. Even to change my cell phone plan. Since his name was on the account, I could not change without showing my DPA. I carry one in my purse now.
Again, you have found a soft place to land her on this site.
We initially redid our wills and DPOAs after Dx, naming each other as holder of DPOA. Mainly I did that so he'd feel better about it. A year later I went back and changed mine to my daughter without telling him.
Flo...It is really good to get these things done early. I felt just like you do and I thought my dh would object to giving me power of any kind over anything.
What I told him was we needed to do these legal things, not because of him, but because of me. He needed to have POA over me...etc. He thought that was great. Of course as soon as he agreed to me getting POA over him and him having power over me and the papers were signed, I immediately tore up the one over me and gave the power to my daughter. To this day he doesn't know the difference. After I tore up the first one he signed I wish I hadn't done that because I was always afraid he would ask to see it...but, he never has and so you might want to keep it...they are dated and you can state all other "authority is null and void" when you do a new one.
Flo - if he is resistant, as many have done, when both are getting it done there is less resistance. Even though my husband was still able to make decisions when we signed them 2 years ago, his went into effect immediately but I have not had to really use the power yet. The VA is very good about wanting the spouse involved.
In South Carolina, the power of attorney isn't fully effective until it is activated. You could tell your husband that the document doesn't mean you are taking over things now, but you want to have it settled for later. My husband was willing to face that he was developing dementia, but if that doesn't go over well you could say in case of a heart attack. Some people do powers of attorney for themselves and their spouses at the same time to make it seem more equal. If necessary you could even make him the power of attorney for yours so you both signed parallel documents and then go back to the lawyer alone and change yours.
At the recommendation of our lawyer we did power of attorney documents way back when we were first married and did our wills. Our lawyer has new ones ready for us to sign because our daughter (who just turned 18) is going to be listed as the backup power of attorney (after me for my husband and my sister for me).
Thanks for the replies. We do have a Revocable Trust made long ago and I will check about the POA which I believe is included in that. I hadn't thought about having someone take his place for me and will ask a son very soon about that. I have POA for my 89 year old sister who lives in an assisted living home near me. That has been an experience for sure. Never realized what that really meant until I got into it. With the privacy laws now it has been a challenge getting all the papers in order to all the doctors, insurance companies, hospitals etc. Recently husband sold some stocks which are in one of his IRA's I was in the room and heard what he said and it all went well. But when he hung up he told me an entirely different amount than what he had just said. I realized then I need to talk to an attorney about how IRA's are handled. All other financial matters I am co-owner. Husband knows he can't do what he once did - he was an Aero-Space Engineer with people working for him on early space hardware - but I haven't talked with him about his dementia. Hopefully one day we can talk about it but then he won't remember, will he? Can't go there now. Again thanks.