Before this disease required me to take over everything in our lives dh referred to the money as "his" and I referred to everything as "ours." I have noticed in the last year that when I refer to our stuff I will say "my" house or "my" car and lots of "I" statements - not so much "us" or "ours" anymore. I find this a bit strange. Do any of you find yourselves thinking almost as a single now? I think this is because I make all of the decisions about everything now and, even though I may ask him for input, I have usually already made up my mind how it's going to go.
Yes, I do that. See the similar discussion under the heading "Words." Once your spouse has progressed to a point where he's more your ward than your partner, it becomes normal to speak of yourself, your actions, and your stuff in the singular.
I do the same things. Guess it's 'normal' with what's going on. However, sometimes I will say something in a conversation (?) with DH, and say "I" and he will correct me by saying,"shouldn't that be 'we'?" He is aware - sometimes.
It's healthy to do that and it isn't any different from facing that you're more alone or have to decide what to do about the thing in the house that broke by yourself. I do that too and have those thoughts but the answer is always the same. It's going to be true and is becoming more true so I may as well start accepting that.
Bluedaze*,
Your husband is still here in your children. Half of what they are is from him and what he is. Not was. Is. Everyone has memories of him; but, your children ARE half him right now.
Hmmm, I just read the whole "Words" thread - makes me so sad.
My dh is in the earlier stages of this disease but I fear I see a transition coming on. Right now we can have minor conversations, nothing important as he gets lost in the conversation. Our conversations are mostly re-runs of past conversations. He watches Westerns on tv all day and all night or constantly asks me what he can do for me and gets sulky when I actually do give him something to do. He doesn't seem to realize how much I have to do to keep our ship afloat, just like our grandchildren, they don''t really see what you do for them or understand everything that goes on behind the scenes. We still do things together, BUT, it is not like doing things with a spouse, you're right, it's like doing things as a mom or grandmom. Yes, I most definitely see "We" in the rear mirror these days. Right now I'm a bit angry about it all and feel like I'm in prison; other days I'm more resigned to my new role. I do daydream about the wonderful trip I will take someday ALONE, but on the other hand, I do not relish the thought of him not being here or never being able to see him again. I may think differently as time goes on and the man I love becomes more of a stranger each day.
mothert, I could have written your post. My DH is in mid stage. He doesn’t know which room is which in the house (when I tell him to go in the living room he asks where it is). He doesn’t know that our children are our children; he calls them his “friends.” He is constantly asking if he can help me, but he can’t even follow the simplest directions so we both get frustrated. Your statement, “We still do things together, BUT, it is not like doing things with a spouse,” is SO true! I love to drive & take day trips, but he has no interest in that so when we do go for a drive it’s usually in silence or he is talking about how he used to work here or go there (confabulating stories). I have also resigned myself to our situation, but that doesn’t mean that it’s always easy. Cry? I seem to do that more now a days.
Ours is for the kids only now,everyhing else is I,me,or mine or just his.We too do a few things together but like you say I feel like Mom and child( not husband)
Lynn has been in a nursing home for over 2 years now and I still say ours. His old truck still lies abandoned in the yard. The kids told me last month that I should get rid of that old truck, its been just sitting there for as long as they can remember. I told them that isn't just some old truck!!! That is Lynn's truck! They gave me a look like I had lost my mind.... ahhhhh maybe I have.
Lynn,I understand about the truck-my Paul has an old 1976 ford bronco that he always loved to drive in our hills and hollows.It is just a bucket of rust now but still it is the last thing I would think of getting rid of,because it is HIS.Just because he can not drive it and it would not run now if you wanted it to,is no reason to get rid of something they love.