I’M SITTING HERE THINKING ABOUT THIS ALZHEIMERS JOURNEY I AM ON. I MENTION MYSELF BECAUSE THIS IS ONLY CONCERNING ME AT THIS TIME. THERE ARE WORDS IN MY VOCABULARY THAT I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO USE ANYMORE. I LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND TRY SO HARD NOT TO SEE PAST THAT DAY OR I WILL BE OVERCOME WITH HOPELESNESS.
AS I SAID, IN MY JOURNEY THERE ARE WORDS THAT WILL NOT BE VERBALIZED BY ME ANYMORE. THE WORDS I MUST LIVE WITH IS SINGLE MEANINGS. AS YOU CAN SEE FROM WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN, MY WORDS ARE, I AND MY.
I HAVE LOST THE WORDS, WE, BOTH, AND US. THIS IS VERY TOUGH FOR ME TO HANDLE, BUT THIS IS THE WAY IT MUST BE.
THE WORD WE, HAS TURNED INTO ME. THE WORD US, HAS TURNED INTO ME. THE WORD BOTH HAS TURNED INTO ME. I HAVE VERY FEW WORDS LEFT IN MY VOCABULARY THAT EXPLAINS WHO I AM. I AM ME, ALONE, AND FIGHTING FOR ANOTHER DAY.
It is stunning how slowly this creeps into our mindset and we all recognize this. At first it isn't an issue..our LO just doesn't remember the conversation but then when reminded does...then time goes on and the question " what does snack mean" jumps out..followed later by a question about a common expression " what does He is a loose cannon mean?" or a defination of a word mean...and then as it all gets worse, we know one day there is no us or we...WE don't make decisions, WE don't go on holidays anymore, WE don't go for walks on the beach..WE don't do anything...we may go together but WE are not really together at the movies since WE cannot discuss it afterwards.. No the WE and the US gives way to just I..and it is very very sad...
OH MIMI, I so miss the US and WE part of this marriage. I miss the smiles between us that no one else understood,the goodnight kiss that did not ALWAYS mean goodnight::: all the little things that made us a couple. Oh this is a Nasty Disease!!!!
Yeah, I know. Sometimes I feel stupid saying "I hired a tree company," or "I took Jeff to Arizona" instead of "we hired" or "we went." Sometimes it feels a little mean and/or dismissive. But, heck...he really has nothing to do with it anymore. I figure out what needs doing, and do it, and if we go somewhere it's because I took him there. It's just the truth. Saying "we" feels artificial.
I really appreciate all your input. The word I seems to be true to all of you also. I just thought of something. " I am so lonely" My husband doesn't feel that, because he doesn't know what lonely is. He is in a nursing facility with people helping him every minute of the day. I guess the most important thing to me , is that he isn't suffering. I can try to think my way out of being lonely, but I can't handle him being unhappy. So I guess I found another good thing to think about when I become depressed.
Paula – LONELY! YES! You are lonely because your DH is in a NH. I am LONELY & my DH is sitting across the room from me. I think lonely starts at home & continues after placement. Hugs to you.
Paula, what you have said is so true. My husband is in a NH and he is well taken care of and he seems so happy to be there. In the beginning of his placement, I didn't think I could survive the lonliness but I told myself the most important thing is the fact that he is happy. I know it is now up to me to shake this lonely feeling and I am determined that I will do it. It has been 6 months since I placed him and I'm doing better.
ElaineH, when I think about the past 4 years I realize I have been lonely for a long time. When DH was home I was so busy taking care of him I didn't have the time to feel lonely.
ElaineH, I guess it doesn't matter where you are or who you are with to be lonely. That was a good point, but, you can still see that person in your house and there is still another body. When I look around this house of memories, I see nothing. I can imagine all the good times before, but the reality is, there is no human being in this house.
rpmaz, I placed my husband 10 months ago, you said you were lonely and your getting better. I don't know how you do that. I go out with family, my daughter, and I talk to my friends all the time. I try, but I can't kick this. I can't stop thinking about everything. I am on anti depressants and it does help, but it doesn't stop me from thinking, which is my cause of of being lonely. I'm willing to take any suggestions you might have.
Paula, you may need to change your anti depressants. Sometimes it takes awhile to get the right ones. Talk to your doctor and see if he can help you. I am worried about you and I am praying for some sunshine in your life.
Paula, I also have friends I go to lunch with. I have three children who don't live too far from me. Every Sunday all family members know they are invited to dinner. Most Sundays there are at least seven here,sometimes ten. I had these dinners when my DH was home. He enjoyed seeing our grandchildren.
Since I placed DH I do not allow myself to dwell on the happy memories, there will be time for that later. When I become overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness I remember what it was like caring for him. I think of the sleepless nights,the depends,the arguing, the constant worry and all the other things we as caregivers do everyday for our loved ones. I'm not saying it will work for everyone but for now it works for me. We will be married 52 years in September, I started dating him when I was fourteen and he was sixteen. I miss the man my husband was not the one he has become.
Am I wrong to want to feel alive again. To go to a movie, out to dinner, to a musical. I don't like going with couples, I feel like a third wheel. I don't know how to feel, what is expected of me. I just don't want to hide away anymore. Is that selfish of me to think that way, when he is going through so much.
Paula, my heart goes out to you. As I mentioned in your other thread, I too had a very difficult time after having to place Lynn. It is a very different lonely than when our spouses are still at home with us... it is one giant step closer to that final goodbye. I mourned long and hard after placing Lynn; I grieved as I would have for the death of someone I loved deeply. I grieved for the loss of us. We were not together now, not in the same bed, not in the same room, not even in the same house. The separation was very difficult for me.
Unlike some others here, I DO cling to the happy memories to see me through. I don’t “dwell on them” but I now find comfort and peace remembering our wonderful life together. For the longest time when I was so stressed and caring for Lynn 24/7 I couldn't recall the good times through the pain. After placing Lynn it took two years…. but then the good memories came flooding back, in gentle waves soothing my battered soul. I welcome and embrace them, they help me hold on…….
We are all just as unique as our spouses Alzheimer’s disease. It takes time and patience with yourself to find what will work for you. You are most assuredly NOT selfish to want to feel and experience joy in life again. I tell myself two things every day….. 1. I have to love Lynn enough to do what is best for him… and 2. Lynn was a wonderful, giving, loving husband; above all he always wanted to see me happy. When I wasn’t able to do it for myself, I tried to enjoy something every day for Lynn. Odd to some, but it worked for me.
Be kind to yourself Paula, it is a hard road you are on. We are here to help you if you start to feel lost in its paths. ((big hugs))