And how long should one expect that to take?? For cryin out loud, he's always asking what can he do for me. When I give him a job he gets all pissy and then goes off to the garage, gets into everything but what I asked him to do and when I ask him what he's doing he bites my head off. Sound familiar??
Experience with this disease tells me that it could take forever IF they even understand what it is we want them to do. My dh tries to help, not that he can ask, because he can't talk that much, but he tries to take things from me if he thinks I am having a problem or need help. If I let him try to help, he has no clue what to do, not even how to put something down, pick it up, hand it to me, etc...... he has no clue. When by accident he does get it right, it takes forever. I get upset but then thank him for his help. It is not his fault I get mad, that is my problem to deal with, so I do thank him if nothing else for his concern in wanting to help. I am trying to not ask him to help with even the simplest things because it usually results in failure and me getting upset. I am working on this but some days it is just too much...... So sorry you are going thru this. You can always tell us, we understand.
I read post where so many caregivers loved one can still talk to them. Even if it is in a not so pleasant way, it is nice to know they can still talk and communicate with you. I miss that. Never would I have thought I would say that but I do miss the communication. Please know that I am praying for you and please if you find a way to make the anger go away,,,,,,, let me know....... I need it.......thanks and have a great weekend....
mammie, my DH also tries to help. He can talk & he hears me tell him what to do, but he can't process it. So like you I get frustrated. So now I don’t ask him to help. He is constantly asking if I need help, I know he means well, but I have learned that it’s more trouble than it’s worth. It’s so hard doing everything myself, but it’s not worth the frustration asking him to help. I guess a little patience goes a long way & I used to think I was a patient person, but dealing with this is enough to try the patience of a saint.
Hi there, mammie, thanks for your post. I wouldn't call it anger, I would call it frustration, at least today. There are days that I want to take the fastest route out of town and never come back. Somehow I got the "responsible" gene in my family and I could never leave this guy out of anger for more than an hour. We do come to our senses and realize that they cannot come to their senses and someone has to be an adult. So sad, we all had amazing men in our lives, capable, intelligent, loving, helpful, etc. and this disease has robbed them and us of all of it. The best way I have of dealing with any of it is my morning devotions and the realization that I do have a Savior with me at all times who understands and is always willing to hold my hand and ALWAYS has my best interests in mind (even if I don't quite see it His way).
I can't really figure out what stage my dh is in. I know he's had this disease for many years, I just didn't know it then. In the last 2 years (since I couldn't ignore it any longer), his memory has gotten worse and worse. Medication has helped immensely with his behavior issues. Medication also caused my poor beloved to have diarrhea and I do believe I have finally figured out how to control that. I think maybe most of the incontinence could and probably is caused by the medications. Since I've added an anti-depressant to his mix, I have been able to cut the Aricept in half (and if this continues to be good I'll eventually phase it out all together) and his diarrhea has stopped and the Celexa keeps his behavior mostly nice. I just better not give him any grief about how much he drinks because that will send him into orbit (just have to water down the wine bottle). He can and does communicate with me (even though he repeats himself lots). Just like having a young child home all the time.
I too thought I had the patience of JOB,little did I know that this disease would soon bring the DEVIL out in both of us!! My Paul too wants to help and as you all know,they just cannot do what they think they can,so we go over and over how to do something only to have it done badly or not at all.This just makes our work harder.I do not know how I am ever going to keep things going around here,there is so much to do in the summer,makes me almost wish for winter,then I think about being cooped up in the house ALL the time!! As for the incontinence issue,it to is wearing me down,his is only wetting at night,but it is like an endless water fountain,never runs DRY-all nigh over and over-changing the three layers of depends and plastic outer pants ,night shirt and bedpads and most times sheets too.My poor washing machine thinks I running a boarding house with all the laundry I do. He has just started to has problems during the day if he naps too long or forgets to go in time.
Mothert;I can not tell what stage Paul is in either-he can change quickly from not so bad to REALLY bad!Sure makes it hard to know what to expect.But the one time I always know is bedtime,never good.They gave himm apill that helped sleep but made him terrible the next day so we are back to the uppy-downy 25 times before going to sleep.Tonight he wanted to change plugs on th bed????? Sorry for the long post,just needed to spill my guts AGAIN! Thanks for listening----
My Dh asks all the time " Ca I help you?" and he means it..but sometimes I'll say you could sweep the floor and that he won't want to do..other things I would love him to do he just can't...Now and then he will take something on without having to be asked..that is when the ol DH comes back into focus for a time...
I remember how difficult this stage was....*sigh. My heart goes out to all of you. Lynn too wanted to help, but he just wasn't able to. I am not sure if it will help you but what I found that helped keep me saine was to find simple tasks that he could still do and things that made him feel vital. The tasks of course changed as he progressed.
The one thing he always liked to do, even though he did it wrong, was to count and roll coins. When he was done, I just unrolled them and waited for the next time. When he asked if he could help me, I would say something like I can handle this, but you know what I could really use your help with...these coins! You are so much better at this than me. That made him feel really good about himself and I was able to do my chores. A win win :)
A bit off topic, but I, too, notice my dh can go from "you're the most gorgeous woman in the world" (I am so sick of hearing that) to not wanting to look at me at all, in a matter of moments. He was always a bit like that - never could figure out why he thought it was okay to act like he had a reason to be mad at me and when I would ask he would deny it or laugh and think it was funny. I never liked that about his personality; now I don't know if it's the AD or just him being him.
I thought I had found something DH could help me with. Was shredding old records, income tax returns, etc - and had a lot of papers to shred. Asked him if he wanted to do it and he said yes, if it would help me! Put the small shredder on an ottaman next to his recliner and showed him how. He did pretty well for a few minutes while I was doing something else. THEN....he jammed it by putting too many sheets in at a time. Took me 10 min.to get it un-jammed. Then he kept doing the same thing, just jamming the sheets in. Told him he had done a good job and really helped me out. Then took the shredder and papers upstairs so I could do it later. Attention span is a very small time frame lately.
My wife has joined a cult. She used to sacrifice expandable objects to the gods of the toilet bowl to prevent it from overflowing even more because of the expandable objects previously sacrificed but now she has seen the way of science perhaps from how the circulating water in the bowl looks a little like the milky way in a really bad movie with a really tiny budget but that's not important right now what is important is that she's not trying to help me in the kitchen anymore by upending the pizza box onto the carpet (yes face first for the same reason that a peanut butter and jam slice always lands on it's face exactly the way cats don't) or dragging even more bedsheets into the living room over the christmas tree I didn't take down but which my friend helpfully pointed out is now up early as of june 26 but that's not important either because my wife now searches for the fourth dimension on the floor for hours the way einstein did his job as a customs agent in switzerland which is staring off into space completely in some other place. And not in the kitchen any longer.
Thursday evening I gave my hb a simple job. We went to a farmers' mkt, and I bought a loaf of bread and some veggies. I asked him to carry the bread. We walked to the car. He was behind me. When I got to the car, I unlocked it and turned to see where he was--just a few steps behind me, but no bread. He'd put it in the public trash can he passed on the way to the car. Another time I asked him to bring in a bag of sweet corn. He did and put it by his bedroom door. Try to help them feel useful??? Not worth it so far as I'm concerned. He really doesn't care and sure can't follow instructions.
Marylin, Einstein invented the theory of relativity or at least developed most of his theories while he was working (ahem) as a custom's agent in some sleepy border crossing in Switzerland. I'm sure people around him were smacking him upside the head to snap out of it and get back to work. The hair came when an experiment proved that he was right which he apparently was completely unprepared for so it was quite a shock.
Zibby and Moorsb,
When I inherited figuring out and buying the groceries and lugging them into the house and putting them away (in other words a housewife - hee hee hee) and I expected her to help me at least a little bit like opening the door for me it was always frustrating. But when I expected nothing from her and just assumed the whole thing myself it just became a chore. It is no longer frustrating.
And as I mentioned in an earler discussion, I've come to realize that all chores involving my continued existence have nothing whatever to do with her anymore. If I don't do certain things like laundry, cook, pay bills, and keep my environment livable - that's all strictly about me.
Yes, Wolf, I'm slow to accept; but I know that anything that's going to get done is going to be done by me. I relate to not even having a door held for me while I bring groceries in. OTOH, at church or a diner, he'll hold the door for "the lady." Yesterday I was putting salt in the water conditioner in the basement and hb turned off the light from upstairs. I hollered; he turned it on and then off again. Lucky I could "feel" my way across the basement. Will have to add a small flashlight to the chain of keys I keep w/me at all times as all doors are locked to keep him secure and me a warden.
I was just looking at some notes I made a year ago, before DH went to the ALF in Oct. I asked him to take the garbage down the hall to the garbage chute, a task he'd been doing daily for several years. He didn't remember where it was, so took the elevator down to the first floor and went to the reception desk and handed her the bag of garbage.
It's been so dry and so hot, I had to water everything this morning. DH said he would help. OK- I went to the bathroom, he went outside and was TRYING to unroll the hoses off the holder, but he got it off track and kept pulling and making it tighter. What a mess! Took me 45 minutes to get it untangled. Then when I did, he was sitting on the back porch drinking water and asked me what I was doing that was taking so long! I almost sprayed him! LOL