We had an experience yesterday that I think you may find interesting. Especially those who are still allowing their spouses to drive. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog.
This sounds a lot like what has been happening here. All my DH wants to do all day is ride in the car. I have a bad back as well as things that need to be done here but that doesn't seem to make a difference to him. SO, if I tell him we can't go riding he wants some money and says he will take the car and go himself. Gets very upset if I tell him he can't drive. Like you I just try and ignore him when he gets this way as the more I say the more he digs his heels in and gets madder. I think driving is so ingrained in the male ego that they are not about to forget about it.
It must be painful to go through the behaviour that Alzheimer's has put into your husband. It would certainly be for me. My wife who was an executive with Gillette used to having her own way accepted giving up her car and license without a peep. We are much further down the road on this and on Tuesday she not only was terrified to get into the car - it took tremendous effort on my part to get her to let go of the door reacting like I was hurting her while everyone at the respite centre watched. It took several agonizing minutes and I finally had to kind of bundle her in my arms and then plop her down on the seat. I may have to give up my respite day soon just because I can't transport her.
It occured to me if this is one of those once you get there usually the same incidents then the only way she is going into a vehicle again will be on a stretcher. It's a stark experience to realize that.
There is no winning as you well know in this endurance race. Our days of going into a car at all are on our last legs. It's one thing for it to happen in the garage - it's another if it happens on the return trip and it's happened now twice in a row.
I'm sure you know this but the day is approaching where driving and the ability to retain a position on an issue in any manner will be memories. I wish there was something good to say about any of this and hope that at least your husband's anger at not being able to drive soon passes.
My wife is late stage 6 by how many judge the stages.
I still believe that men and women are generally quite different when they get AD. Phranque and Selwynfarmer are not experiencing this and some men are quite calm. But time and again the posts talk about the men and their displays.
Some of that is that men don't last but the ages here cover quite some age territory. I continue to believe that testosterone and estrogen play more of a role in our lives than is generally discussed.
Notice that even menopause is blamed on us. It should be womenopause.
its quite amazing that with all the memory loss they can retain this obsession about driving and their independence issues. its almost selective memory loss at times. with all the terrible drama Sid has demonstrated in the past it would be a panic moment to hear him bring it up again at this late stage. joan its a good thing you have learned to stay quiet and not answer. wolf, its a distressing moment when you find the spouse will soon be unable to ride in a vehicle safely. i remember having to call the fire dept to get DH out of the car in high heat due to fear and clenching the door handle inside a very hot vehicle. their strength by the way can be significant and quite surprising. my DH is now on a year/half that he hasnt left the house. now its getting he cant even leave the bedroom, next it will be his bed. there will be great losses along the journey that make us terribly depressed and sad that their lives and ours have so many changes for the worse.
Gord hasn't driven for probably 3 years. We had several white knuckle years during which I had to tell him how to get everywhere. Finally, I found a doctor who would take his license. Our GP would tell me that in his opinion Gord shouldn't be driving but would refuse to send the notice to the government. It was a terrible time. Certainly not as difficult as Joan's but awful none the less. He still thinks he can drive and he is in end stage Alzheimer's according to his psychogeriatrician. I am now telling him that we sold the car. Cars were more important to him than any of us. I feel so sad for him. I also feel sad for me as I stopped driving years ago due to the fact that I was a rotten driver and a danger on the road. You really lose your independence. One of many losses during this journey.
My husband's doctor was also reluctant to notify the DMV about his condition. Getting that license away isn't easy. My husband insisted his state issued ID card was his drivers' license. I had to steal his car and trade both of ours in. I bought a car not familiar to him and strangely it came with only one key :-}. I hid the spares and kept my key with me at all times. You wouldn't believe the stories he made up to get his own key.
Yep, driving and drinking - HOT buttons for my guy, too! However, he's been mostly very good about not driving, but every once in a while he gets in my face and screams that he's going to go somewhere without me and I tell him no he's not and he blows up even more, I ignore him for a while, and about an hour later all is forgotten. Not such smooth sailing when it comes to the issue of his over indulgence in alcohol - no sirree, he thinks he doesn't drink much at all and he's going to drink what he wants and I should just stop nagging him - blah-blah-blah. This, too, blows over by the next morning and he forgets all about it. The one silver lining - he forgets. I'll just have to continue watering down the wine bottle.
Divvi, how do you deal with the isolation of his never leaving the house? I feel crazy sometimes and I have people 12 hours a week. I can get Gord out for maybe an hour or 2 in the afternoon and maybe an hour in the evening. When he is in he wants out and when he is out he wants to be somewhere else.
I have a friend who was taking care of her mother-in-law who lived with them. She was not able to get out. She said, after some time, she didn't "want" to go out and then later, she was "afraid" to go out. Has that happened to anyone here?
Last week, my DH told me he moved the car into the garage. He hasn' t driven in over three years and the car was already in the the garage. Yesterday, he got a jury notice. About 6 years ago when he got a jury notice his doctor sent a letter saying he has AD. We got a letter back saying he would not ever be called for jury duty again. Maybe they think AD gets better. He thought he would do the jury duty. He was looking forward to it. Since he can't drive or go anywhere alone and can't find his way to and from a restroom or anything and also goes to daycare twice a week, I decided not to press the point. There was a form to be discharged from the duty. I checked off that he was over 72 and has mental and physical disabilities and sent it back in. If I am lucky he will forget all about it.
jan in our case, husband seems quite content to live in his little world. over time its got smaller and smaller. from no outtings in cars, to no trips outside the house, to in late stage mostly in his bedroom between wheelchair, lounge chair or hospital bed. i can see this would be an issue if his mental losses were not in sync with physical losses. mine cant walk only with us supporting him nor can he situp or rollover alone anymore. if his mental and physical status werent close i cant imagine trying to keep a more mentally alert person in bed or in wheelchairs. we hear this happening all the time from folks here who have placed spouses and they get hurt trying to get out of chairs or wheelchairs because they think they can still walk and ambulate on their own. DH seems content in his small world now and he has the things around him that bring him joy. as long as i see smiles and know hes not in physical pain, then i am surely fine with this arrangement. on ocassion that we have taken him out out of this environment at this point i see his fear and reluctance in unfamiliar surroundings so we try to keep it as normal for him as possible to what hes used to. even a new face as in new aide can cause him stress. familiarity is first and foremost in late stages i find. rock the boat and it seems to play havoc on their wellbeing. i dont feel too isolated as i have my hrs out per week as needed. i think in comparison i find this pretty relative to what he'd be doing in a skilled nursing facility at this point due to his totally dependent stage. i would rather be the one isolated if that is to be, and have him comfortable and happy in his own environment. but i can surely see the reasoning behind placement as well, as the physical /mental work is never ending. divvi
You impress me, Divvi. I hate being behind a locked door day after day. I do have my hours out but then you have to come back. It has been terribly hot here today and we were in the entire day. We went to sit outside after supper and he was hateful. He was swearing and refusing to let other people talk. We had to come in as I was afraid that he might hit someone. It has been a bad day. Perhaps tomorrow I will have a better attitude.
I am so sorry for all of you still going thru the hateful aggressive stages. i had it too, and if its any consolation for those in this dreadful time, it does seem to dissipate as the disease moves forward. theres no timeline of course as each advances independantly but into stage mid 6+ mine finally quit all the nasty attitudes and became quite complacent. i have an inkling that even namenda and aricept as we have seen here before, caused my DH to act out and was due to the med itself. he became much more manageable without the AD meds. some of us have seen improvement coming off the meds or at least no real loss. its a weary time living with someone who is constantly in bad moods and acting out. til the disease moves on we just try to hangon and live each day and hope to retain our own sanity. its not an easy journey. divvi
divvi, you are so right. I have seen a change in my DH. He is more confused & more docile. He still gets angry, but it doesn't last long & he is sorry afterwards. I have a feeling it's the disease progressing. From what I have read here it seems that the anger & aggression lessens (I know not in every case) & that is what is happening. I also see that blank look more often. Also people who know us comment that they think he is getting worse. You are right, it is NOT an easy journey.
My husband has not been able to drive for over 2 years now. Our trips out are fewer and fewer. Occasionally I will try to take him to the store and I will warn him that if he misbehaves, we will just leave. He knows that I will do just that. Then there is the battle in the parking lot to get him in the car after he is fired up. I open the car door, put one hand on the door and the other on the door post and stand there until he relents and gets in the car. If he is really bad, he goes in the back seat with child locks on. Then if he reaches up through the seat to grab or hit, I smack his fingers. It is like having a very large child. BUT I will keep on trying to take him places because he likes to get out. Eventually I will just quit when it gets to be too much. I find if he knows I am displeased it makes him unhappy or uncomfortable. Since everything is all about him now, he doesn't want to make Mama unhappy. Works for me.