Found some great articles on a drug for diabetes that is showing promise for those who have dementia following whole brain irradiation. Told him I had put them on his desk. Told him maybe he could qualify for disability. WRONG THING TO SAY. He went into such a tirade, I've never heard him so upset. "You don't know that anything is wrong with me! What made you a doctor? I wouldn't accept disability even if they gave it to me! I've only forgotten a few things this year!"
Told him he also has problems with comprehension. OH NO! He went ballistic. He said, "The only thing I can comprehend is that you are trying to make me feel like there's something wrong with me when there's not & you just want to put me in a nut bin."
The last time we discussed this he was so calm & rational. I thought we would just pick up from there. I see from his desk he has done some research on his own. I took away the article that talked about brain cancer as the #1 thing that would happen after small cell lung cancer. Well, there it was on his desk again, in addition to an article I hadn't even seen. I took it away again, because I didn't want it to upset him.
I guess I just have to do what is best for me. It is awful to be screamed at when all you are doing is trying to help someone. I'm sure on some subconscious level he might be afraid. But if we can't be a team, then I just have to look out for myself. I don't even know where to begin doing that. I do know on the days that I am out of the house I don't have diarrhea. My 2 visits with a therapist, who confirmed he was dysfunctional, told me to focus on myself. All this energy I'm doing to research things for him should be directed into finding myself a job.
I am heartbroken that we can't even have a normal conversation anymore. Back to pretending all is well. I just backed away & said, o.k. no problem. Again, we are living in 2 separate worlds. My cat even got upset listening to him. My heart goes out to those of us who have children still living in the house.
Val, it is overwhelming isn't it?! It sounds like you are at the point where you realize you aren't really partners anymore. Such tricky waters to navigate, because sometimes they seem so rational and you are lulled into what you think might be a logical discussion about their health. But they just aren't capable. I think you are right and that your husband is probably very afraid inside, but is unable to define or put his finger on the cause of that fear. I know my husband was. Through trial and error, I've learned to not really speak to my DH about his condition. It's too upsetting for him and he is much more comfortable and less fearful when he lives in denial. I figured who am I to take that away from him. And you're right, we do have to live in a separate world from them...and when you are used to living in the same world, the splitting of the two feels like a huge gaping wound.
Val, you must realize the painful fact that its just that-'two worlds' now, his and yours -the world they comprehend from their own internal perspective and then the world the rest of us deal in. both have their sorrows. many of us veterans who have been into this disease for many yrs, have already stated you cant act on behaviours that 'used' to be but have to start using the ones that work in the AD world. and they are a whole different ballgame. your therapist is right, you need to focus on spending that time getting your life lined up and in order for whats facing you in the future. its easier and less painful to deny anything may be wrong, but in the longrun its going to hit you again hard and when you least expect it, the reality check of it all and the helplessness one feels when the denial stage can no longer offer that level of comfort - we arent dealing with rational thought process here, so none of that seems to work anymore. we have to find new approaches and objectives if we are going to get thru to them at some point. getting your husband to admit he needs to see a dr is going to be a real feat. wishing you all the best, divvi
Can't say I wasn't forewarned. Just about everyone said to leave it alone. Well, everyone. Yes, when I first presented this, he seemed rational, so I thought there was hope we could go it together. I have never felt so alone. Thanks shoegirl. I was going to leave him in a state of "denial" (anosognosia) until I thought there might be things that could help him. Oh, well.
Val, unless you come to the realization that you are not going to be able to convince your husband that he is ill, you are going to be bald from pulling your hair out. :) It won't happen. Very few AD patients will admit it even after the doctor diagnoses AD until they are further along in the disease than your husband is now. You need to go on to the next step for your sanity and peace of mind.
Sunshyne and Starling and others have discussed all of these things with you already, so I won't reiterate them here. We have so many intelligent people here to advise us. Then you have me, who just sticks my 2 cents worth in at various times!
ps val, DH is into the 10th yr of dementia Vascular/ AD, and he NEVER accepted the AD diagnosis after day one, even after hearing it for himself in the neuro's office. i never said the 'alzheimers' word again in 10yrs. he never knew what hit him, he was in denial from start to now and always said he was fine. today i am glad he never knew. divvi
I guess I'm a masochist. I just wanted to make sure. Well, I got my answer. I swear, someone hit me on the head with a baseball bat if I bring it up to him again. Yes, Sunshyne , Starling & others warned me. That was when I thought it was AD, not the inevitable cognitive impairment from brain radiation. I really appreciated Sunshyne's bringing me out of the dark. What you don't learn here. I'm even going to try turning my yogurt upside down.
Mary, your 2 cents are worth a lot. Don't hold back, others will appreciate it.
BTW, I feel more like pulling his hair out than mine. (What little he has left after chemo/radiation.) We were a real team when it came to treatment for his cancer. And yes, I went to every doctor's appointment with him. He is all alone with his dementia now, and I am all alone with our financial ruin.
He was there when the doctor said Vascular Dementia. I don't know if he understood what that meant or not. Franky I'm not sure he could understand. Is he in denial? Probably, but we don't talk about it. Does he know what is coming? I'd say no.
And frankly I'm not sure it would be kind to make him acknowledge that there are things wrong with him.
I was able to get him first to a therapist and then to a neurologist because I go into the doctor appointments with him. The first time I did that in the family practice doctor's office I asked about getting him an "evaluation" which landed us in the therapist's office. This, by the way, is not the first time I've found myself dealing with a therapist instead of a doctor. When it was my knee, it was a physical therapist who told the internist what kind of doctor I needed to see in the hospital. When it was my husband's brain, it was the therapist who asked for the referral to the right kind of neurologist (dementia practice, not stroke practice). I've got a lot of respect for therapists of all kinds. They know when to yell for a doctor and what kind to yell for.
Val, start looking for that job on Monday. Start with your resume if you haven't already done so. Go to a resume specialist if you've never done that. (Used to be an employment counselor, and had great results with resume specialists for both my husband and myself on more than one occasion.) I know it is hard. I know it is miserable. Do it anyway.
I had to look for jobs three times after I turned 60. Not much fun in a bad economy, but I found jobs every time. And when they weren't the best jobs, I tended to slowly change them until they weren't bad at all. Honestly, no one wants to even talk to a 60+ female nerd who weighs over 300 pounds about programming Access databases for mortgage companies, but in the end, I did it. You can too.
Starling, yes they do want to talk to you. We are more experienced, more reliable, get more done in each workday than our young counterparts who try to stay on their cell phones and not show up to work because they don't feel like it! Most major companies now realize how valuable we are! :)
Tell me, too, please. I haven't had to actually go out and LOOK for a job in thirty years ... they've always come to me in the past. Gack. I'm just a tad out of practice. Resume ... oh me.
Of course, I am just a spring chicken still ... barely turned 58! :-)
You really have to keep your sense of humor. Laughter is the best medicine. That's the one thing I miss about my job, a "family" and we had belly laughs all day long. I took all of the literature out of my husband's office, he didn't ask, I didn't tell. Now he is as happy as a lark. We've gone back into there's nothing wrong stage.
Nope Mary, they did not want to talk to me. And one company never wanted to talk to me. I didn't have an accounting degree. Don't know why anyone would want an accounting degree for the kind of work they were doing. The funny thing is that I have an accounting background from way back when no one except CPAs went to college for that kind of thing. Didn't count. Didn't matter that I could actually do the job. They wanted the piece of paper and between cross country moves and my age I never managed to turn the 3.5 years of College into a piece of paper.
Very frustrating. My daughter uses me as an awful example to make her friends who are going to night school get their AA degrees on the way to their BS degrees. In several cases just the AA degree changed their lives. After all, it is a degree. You can honestly say you have one if you have the piece of paper.
I'm probably the only person you will ever meet that went back to school 5 times and didn't manage to graduate. I was once 6 credits from a AA degree at a point when I already had 3 years of credits. We moved 3000 miles 6 months too early.
That sucks! I also have more credits than a degree requires, but no degree either. :) I have several sets of initials after my name, but rarely use them (from insurance and in paralegal studies). But I don't have my B.A. I've been fortunate with my jobs, and I'll admit it.
With your credentials, they should be SMART enough to figure out that you are more qualified than a person with a degree in accounting! Experience is more valuable! Hang in there. You will find the perfect fit!!!
I googled last week & found the top ten job search engines on the web. monster.com, indeed.com, career builder.com, america's job bank. hotjobs.com, simplyhired.com, craigslist.com. I left out the ones that were high tech (not me) & gov't jobs. Each one is different in a way. My problem is that with my degrees, I never got the licensure, since it was unnecessary before I left for Berlin. Hence, I don't qualify for most all of the jobs posted under my degrees, & I doubt if I could pass the boards since my education was in the 70's! And I graduated from my master's in counseling with a 3.9 grade average.
It is becoming more & more difficult since employers want a specific degree in whatever. Back in the days, as long as you had a degree in anything, that would be enough.
Starling, I'm sure someone will want to hire you with your knowledge of accounting. You don't have to have a degree to keep books. I am on the other end of the spectrum, I can't stand math & am right brained, meaning I lean to the creative side.
Me and my analogies! I claim that degrees are like what the wizard gave the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. Just a diploma. I have degrees, my husband has a doctorate, and we managed to make sure that all three kids got degrees. But my mother didn't have a degree, and she was the most educated person I knew...And of my kids, ONE is in the field in which he studied. One of the others is a proud stagehand, never letting on that he has a (halfway-to-masters) certificate from Yale School of Drama.