LFL, So true about friendship before a serious relationship. Friendship is the foundation which must be solidly rooted to continue in establishing a long term initimate relationship . Which brings us to the topic of not intending to get involved but somehow when there are mutual needs being met we have arrived beyond where we ever intended to go.
My first wife had Hodgkin’s Disease and I took care of her for 8 years. I swore that I would never get married again. I tried dating for a while and found it to be a pain in the you know where so I simply said the heck with it and decided to stop dating for a year or so. Then one date a friend of mine called and said she had a friend that would like to meet a guy to do things with like going to various functions and dinner and things like that but that she had never been married and was not looking to get married. I thought this was perfect and agreed to meet her.
We dated for about a year and just fell in love and decided we wanted each other in our lives. We got married a year and a half after we started dating and we were great together. We traveled to China, Paris, Austria and London. I took her to London to ask her to marry me. I figured if she said no she would have a long swim home.
We were married four years when she lost her job and started having problems. She was as you know diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. We have been married for 12 and a half years and had only four really good years in all and I wouldn’t trade those four years for anything in the world.
Will I ever get married again I don’t know. It scares me to death that I could end up being a caregiver again. But the one thing I have learned in all this is never say never. Any of us could walk out the door tomorrow and bump into someone by accident and fall head over heals in love again and end up being happier than we have ever been or ever thought was possible.
All that being said I do not plan on ever getting married again but as I learned with Kathryn it just happens. Neither of us was looking to get married and neither was wanted to get married but in the end we did and we were both happy. I had the four happiest years of my life married to Kathryn. My heart breaks every day knowing that I am going to loss her and there isn't a thing I can do about it. This dang Disease is really beginning to piss me off.
Good for you, Jim. Better to have loved and lost--- but you will never lose the 'four happiest years of my life married to Kathryn.' Yeah, you have a right to be pissed, but you have also been blessed. Betty
That's the way it's going to be for me too Jim. Life's going to happen and I'm going to let it happen. I think too about the lost years. I do think our first four years were the most intense but I'm sorry you didn't have more. I think in the end it might be how the memories sit with us that matters most. My heart is also full of good feelings and good memories of her and the truth and consistency of that is a real comfort.
I've seperated my thoughts about 'dating' into four categories: fun, friendship, dating, and love. I got balled up about it.
I want to be open to some fun with anyone. It doesn't mean anything and there's no need to complicate simple pleasant interactions. It's just chatter or fun or gossip and I want to enjoy that for it's own sake. It doesn't matter whether that's with the opposite sex. It's androgynous stuff but it is a relationship.
I'm open to friendship with people I feel compatible with and I'm willing to try something for a while and see because I do need new friends and I hope to find some. If that's a women I'm fine with that. We talk and understand each other which is necessary to become friends anyways. I'll go out with that person to a show or dinner or something because we're developing a friendship and going places together is something friends do.
I'm not open to dating at the moment. I probably will be somewhere. Dating to me includes the potential of romantic relationship. It includes the potential of the horizontal mumbo. It includes possibilities. Some dates might become friendships. Not usually. Some dates might become love. You never know. And some dates just become figs.
I will not need any guidance on the love topic. If I feel love it will be me doing the guiding. Unless of course I'm told to go away. Then I would be doing the pining.
Now all I have to do is leave the house. No sign of that so far.
No Wolf, I am not open to dating either. For some reason it sounds so "high school-ish"....giddy and silly. Of your 4 categories of "dating" I would def. consider the 1st two. ---fun and friendship....with dating and love comes a more seriously commitment and I don't think I can ever go there after DH betrayed my trust and our vows. No this would be a huge step for me and it's too fresh and I don't ever want to be burned in another relationship again. I stayed monogamous thoughout our marriage a and looking back I can pretty much say he was cheating for the last six years :(
I sure know what everyone means about friendships, male or female for that matter, where you can chat about something one day and continue on the next...I have just started with 3 great gals covering 12 hours a week in home help..they help me as much as DH and how refreshing just to have someone in the house for a few hours who, while taking care of some issues for DH, is also helping me with light housekeeping and most of all cooking the evening meal....
As for the future...well...being military both as a spouse and a retired Marine myself, there are issues with benefits etc that would come into play in my arena...and like so many others, I don't know if I dare risk being a caregiver again..I don't think I could stand it.
I'm kind of debating whether to post and cause this topic to resurface, but I will in the event someone could find it helpful.
I have been seeing someone since the new year, and it's been something of an overwhelming time, in a lot of ways. You wonder if you're doing the "right thing." Whatever that is. Is there ever a time in Alzheimer-spousing that we don't wonder this?
You wonder whether you will be or even should be judged by others. Again...this already happens to us, doesn't it? Feeling different, feeing a little ostracized. And maybe we never WERE really ostracized...it was just our confused emotions mucking up our perceptions.
Things that have played into my choice: A recognition, severely sharpened by 10 years of Alzheimer's caregiving, my father's death from Parkinson's, and other factors, that life is short! All we can do is enjoy the present, because there sure as heck are no guarantees, are there?
Awareness that we have long since passed the point I knew I would wait for--the point at which my husband became cognitively unable to even know who I am, let alone be in any way hurt by there being another man to whom I'm emotionally attached. To top it off, he actually told me this, in a rare moment of insight over 6 years ago--that he wanted and expected me to go on and find someone.
It was hard for me to think about that at the time, but it became hard to deny, sometime last year, that I was not--at age 51--ready for it all to be over. Relationship was still an ingredient I wanted in my life, and I just hit a point where I emotionally opened to the idea...at that point I had no clue who. That part has been stunning--that such an amazing person was actually waiting around the corner, basically just hidden from my view, and materialized when I was ready. He comes with plenty of scars from his own version of the School of Hard Knocks, and would not have been ready to deal with a new relationship much before I was.
When this happens, you do not love your ailing spouse any less, or become less of a caregiver. We are pretty complex, multi-layered emotional beasties, and we are capable of sorting out our love and care for the spouse who no longer knows us, but still needs our oversight and attention, and a new loving attachment to a partner who can reciprocate in a relationship.
If I had one significant concern, it was--how will I be perceived by others? That's been pretty much put to rest. First of all, it was my children who actively encouraged me, followed by my husband's siblings. My family has been wonderfully supportive. People in the community have as well. My husband, being the local hardware store owner, had many connections. My new friend, a local marina owner, knows zillions of people, with huge overlap. People have been overwhelmingly happy and supportive about this relationship. You don't really perceive yourself as others might, and while you're wondering if they'll judge you--THEY actually see how both of you (in the new relationship) really deserve something good in your lives at this point, and they embrace it. I cannot say that will always happen. Some people, as we know, are narrow in their thinking. I have been very very fortunate in my family and community.
So, I'm sharing this in case anyone else is thinking about these things and struggling with questions about it.
Ditto to what Jim said. Lloyd's been gone four months and I am not remotely interested in that kind of relationship again. In a way, I feel like it would seem to minimize what we had. I would have never gotten involved or had the time to get involved before Lloyd had died. Every day from beginning to end was spent with him, taking care of his every need...which is exactly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing. I was just soaking up all I could of him while I still could. I'm glad I did. I can close my eyes and still remember what it felt like to run my fingers through his hair, touch his face, and feel his skin. He died snug in his own bed and I was right there with him just as I promised I would be. Was it easy? Hell, no!!! But it was the right thing for me and I have absolutely no guilt and no regrets...so I did it for me as well as for him.
Yes, of course...we all process this trip in very different, personal ways! I would in no way mean to post what I did as a recommendation or endorsement. Linda, I think it's wonderful that you were able to see your husband's progression through to the end in the way that mattered deeply to you.
I will also add this: there have been times, over the life of this website, when someone among us has posted something personal and perceived judgment which might not have even been intended from within the community here, and backed off or abandoned the forum for a time out of sensitivity.
And it's ok...people can disagree with me. It won't hurt my feelings. But I do know (see Jan's Story, for example...and others) that I am not the only person who has, with compassion, made this choice, so I'm open to discuss it in the event that it could be useful or helpful to anyone else.
Emily, I have seen your pictures and wanted to comment, but I wasn't sure if you were ready to talk about it. All I can say is your beautiful smile says it all! I am truly so happy for you ♥
I know some of you won't agree with me but I've seen a couple of cases where there's been re-marriages and they didn't turn out as expected. Better to just live together. Much easier to get out of it.
Ahhhhh Emily...I am happy for you. I truly admire your honesty and courage. You are entitled to happiness...as we all are. Here's to you! Love, Robyn/Brady/Leigh
With your 'weltanshau' which I have some knowledge of having read your entire blog some time ago and seeing a while ago those pictures which have a depth of interest and openness in the things around you now, plus the tone and comfort of the pictures taken of him - I suspect you have a real shot at good things.
We talked about authorization some time ago. I think that's the key that unlocks the doors. I know it's an unusual situation. But at some point we've taken the information in, we've looked into ourselves and have wrestled, and we come back to life with truth. And while that's not cut and dry - it is by the main the actual truth and we know that now.
It takes self authorization to even think through these things clearly and that certainly is required to move forward. My wife and I both said and meant to each other that should something happen we wanted the other one to be happy, to find someone nice, to live a fuller life again. We never realized that would come into play; but, I'm certain we both mean that still. That simply must be important or what else is false?
I would describe one of the things we all go through in this as the necessity to address conciously our personal philosophy. Just the concept of two together and that that must change is a very deep and powerful transformation.
Having given fully to a relationship that ends, how are we now defined? My answer is that we continue to be ourselves (obviously) while we endure seriously hard life events; and, when we continue to be ourselves it is no slight to the history of what we have been so far.
So true Wolf--the self-authorization...we must really examine ourselves, and give ourselves absolute permission to have the feelings we truly have, THEN decide what to do with them. Come to an understanding of your personal philosophy, examine your feelings, decide what the best life choice is for you. Obviously, we are not all the same.
I agree with your realization that life is short and there are no guarantees. You are young , have been and still are a wonderful caregiver. At this stage, you are right to follow your heart and do deserve to have happiness. If you have found a relationship that brings you that go for it. As a spouse in a happy marriage I would want my DH to find happiness were I in his place.
This choice is a personal one which has no right or wrong answer. You are fortunate t o have a supportive family and friends. Hope you find joy to help you on your journey .
Kudos to you Emily for bringing up the issue, I'll chime in and say that I'm having a very similar experience regarding a new relationship. I am a little over a decade older than she, and my feelings closely mirror what she has expressed. The reactions of family/friends have also been positive; it's interesting, people tell me how happy I appear now. And I thought for all those years I was being a good actress and mostly covering up the sadness. I guess not. As a matter of fact, a friend's husband recently told her he has never seen me smile so much. When she repeated the comment to me, I explained it by saying I feel like I had a sort of near-death experience, and now have come back to the living. I know there are still difficult days ahead with Steve, but I hope having found happiness again will make that loss somewhat easier to bear.
I know this is a very personal decision for each of us and we will do what our hearts and minds tell us what's right for us. There's no "right" answer or a one size fits all. I am however thankful that Emily and Marilyn had the courage to share their experiences with us because it demonstrates that those who are really close to us want to see us happy, even (or maybe especially) under these circumstances. Thank you both for your honesty.
emily your post is so raw and open and honest, and I respect and look up to you for what you have shared. This is something that has been so in the forefront of my mind...and heart. First I want to say blessings to you on being cared for and caring in return, and to have some company to make life joyful. There is NOTHING like the personal private love and caring, is there? Nothing like a mate.
It is so timely for me that you wrote this. I have had quite a few people mention to me, oh you are young and good looking(? )and together(?), you should keep your heart and eyes open for a mate. I respond, that I am still married, and of course inside I know I say this because I do not want them to call me single, or single cat lady as one called me. (((I wanted to black her eyes)
I mean, even if one is not looking, it is possible, that something good can happen again, even if we tell ourselves no way. Now though I do not have or want this in my life at this point, of course I try to imagine how it would be. I am too raw right now and just so closed. And really really believing that ANY relationship would just lead to trouble, because as they say, a good man is hard to find.
Also, I tell myself, and others, that IF I had a man friend, (and more than friend), that my feelings would get wrapped up in him and that I would not be so attentive to Dado. This is likely very untrue.
My point was your post was so good for me to read, I feel I know you somewhat, I know how you love your husband very much it just shines through, and your beautiful children too. If THEY are happy for you, that is all that really matters isn't it? Because they are your family, you care what they feel and how great they are supportive!
I wish all the very best of joy for you in your life.
Your posts on this topic are wonderful to read; but for me your photos are even more intense. I have seen the photo attached to your profile here. Our dear Nikki and I have discussed the differences between resignation and acceptance. But looking at your photo here with Jeff what it says to me is both: that you are resigned, you are accepting- and to me the impression of your loyalty is bittersweet. How could it not be? The years, the dreams, the children, the hopes for your family's future?
I looked at the photos on your blog. You are vibrant and glowing. So is your partner. In my opinion the more you give to Allen, the more you have to give to Jeff. And yourself.
I wish you the best and am happy for your happiness.