This may be a bit off topic. But I'm struggling with the question of whether I'm being selfish to not want to be alone so the boys can spend a few days a week on my sisters' boat. I could use some perspective.
My sisters bought a boat recently and they both have the summer off, as they work in schools. They take care of the boys (ages 13, 10, 5) while I work in the office 3 days a week. Thurs. and Fri., I work from home, but I still need help (especially with my youngest) due to work demands.
My sisters want to take the boys to the boat 3 days a week. They don't want to take the boat out on the weekends because they're inexperienced boaters and want to avoid crowded waterways.
I'm resisting letting the boys be away that long, in large part because I end up being completely alone while working at home, and all night. I know that if DH were here, I might be more apt to welcome the break from childcare demands. We could do things together, have more "freedom", etc. But I hate being alone.
With things being so chaotic at times with the kids, you would think I'd relish the peace, but I end up feeling depressed and utterly alone. I miss DH even more. I've always been sort of a loner, have never had a wide circle of friends, so going out with the girlfriends just isn't an option. I just feel miserable.
I guess my question is whether I'm just being selfish. Do I just need to accept this loneliness so the boys can have a good time rather than sitting home? After all, once they're grown and gone, I'll be alone anyways.
Kelly, for me, yes i think giving the boys a few days of happiness and activities on a boat would be what i would want. while i would have to deal with the lonliness and quiet at night, i could also think of them having a bit of real fun like boys their age should enjoy. its a blessing your sisters want to take them and offer to show them some good times. remember they also have been thru so much losing the dad they love and that can do things with them. i think i would bite the bullet and let them enjoy the times on the boat in normal things boys like to do. swim, fish, and just be away from the strain and stress and sadness of losing their dad. you should also find something to entertain your thoughts while they are with the sisters. a movie, llunch/dinner with a friend, or just window shopping out of the house. a good book, a bubble bath some music or emersing yourself in some chores around the house i think could help you thru this. divvi
I agree with divvi. Letting the boys go would be good for all of you. While they would have the chance for some good recreation before it's back-to-school time and a return to normal schedule, it would be good for you to have the respite. You'd have the opportunity to do some fun things just for you. For these few weeks, you'd have a chance to spend some of your time on you--everyone else is taken care of. You might feel some loneliness but there's a lot of potential for a good respite for you and the boys.
kelly this might be a good chance for you to find what is left of yourself and plan for your future. After a few days you might even enjoy the peace and quiet. Might also be a good time to get a pet you can bond with and enjoy.
Kelly, if I were in your shoes, I would be jumping up and down with joy! Raising your boys by yourself, working full time, and keeping an eye on your DH in the facility is enough work for 3 people. I don't know how you do it. And needless to say, I'm sure you have virtually no downtime to relax. This will give you a break--even if you don't want to leave the house--to watch movies, read, play around online, whatever you want to do. I say, grab the opportunity. I also agree with the others that it will be a great experience for your kids.
I understand the fear, loneliness, etc. I think I would also be fearful something would happen and I would not be there for them. That aside, try it one time and see how it goes for all of you. They might decide they do not like being away for 3 days - day and night - especially the youngest one. I think the youngest one is the one I would have the most trouble with.
You have to be careful you do not overprotect them or rely too much on them to fill the void your husband has left. There are a lot of emotions related to this adventure and maybe trying writing about it in a journal.
By the way - this is a perfect place to share this problem.
One of the problems I have is my DD age 15 does a lot with her friends and their families. Things that DH and I should be doing together as a family. I sat down and talked with her about it. She understands that we are not a normal family and that I am doing the best I can with what I have. So now when she gets an invite to something I let her go. She gets time away from our life and gets to be just a kid having fun.
Kelly, let them go, they need the time to just be kids. I know it is hard on so many levels. You will be glad you did it for them. And after all as a mom we want our kids to be happy. While they are gone, spend time on yourself. Eat what you like for dinner, watch movies you want to see, read, or just sleep. And know you are doing a great job as a mom and they love you very much.
Our first thought should be for our kids. So, you'll be a little lonely. Your kids will be away from the sadness at home, enjoying themselves. Let them.
I wonder if this would be a good time for you to get some time alone with each child. Maybe all three don't have to go every week. I know you have to work, but would it be possible to have one child at home and still get the work done?
Kelly5000, I worry more that you are making your boys substitutes for your DH. They are too young and need to have a life of their own. I had a friend who was widowed at a fairly young age with 4 daughters. She confided in them things that only a husband and wife talk about. It is a lonely life but you need to find someone else to be there to talk to so you don't feel so alone. Even if you have always been a loner we still need people. Join a group, or club and make friends. You will all benefit from the experience.