Hi everyone This generation , in my view , that we live in, is a totally new phenomena. We have had to put up with the Victorian attitudes of our parents and peers when kids and then when we had kids had to make sure that our parents did not know WHAT OUR KIDS WERE GETTING UP TO.. This is no joke and was a big problem to undergo. There have been many ramifications here we have had to endure through no fault of our own. I belong to the Church. The church is autocratic therefore my kids do not want to know. I love my family. My parents did not have the same loving care that we give out. My kids love their families but divorce and separation is always an option I would never have considered. Attitudes are changing but most of my 'friends' have an unliberated attitude. I am trying to move on from my DW's AD with a new partner but still loving my DW and caring for her. My friends scowl AND SO DO MY KIDS!! AM i MISSING SOMETHING HERE? And what can I do about it? Just off to the bank to beef up the account of another of my 'impoverished' offspring! I don't mind because none of them are greedy. Once again - Am I missing something? Best wishes to all Nordholm
I don't know what you're missing. But I'm guessing it's this: Sometimes kids just have a really hard time dealing with the idea that parents move on to other chapters. As far as disapproval from your kids goes, it probably has more to do with that than it has to do with morality. It seems to me that humans, as we age, take comfort for as long as we can in the seeming stability of the generation ahead of us. Like, as long as they stay put, and intact, we have a sort of buffer ahead of us, keeping us from bearing the worst of the rough stuff that we know life has to dish out, especially in the later stages.
I know that I drew a sense of security from that. While my dad was alive and healthy it seemed like he and mom were the front line. I was still somewhat "protected." He is gone now, of Parkinson's, and mom is 75. My husband is in stage 5ish PCA, and there is no one protecting me anymore! It's one of those things you have to suck it up and deal with. I think the sensation of the protective buffer-generation is shaken by almost any change our parents make. Many adult kids protest when parents sell the old family homestead. Same reason. It stood as a sort of symbolic womb they imagined would be there for them if they really needed it. So for you to have made as telling a move as having a new friend completely dismantles your children's illusion that their parents are still a strong unit providing that generational buffer.
Then there's the denial-by-distance phenomenon. Are your children local? It's usually the people who don't live in the household or even right in town, or don't visit so often who are most "shocked" by our allegations that the AD person is no longer the same, and no longer capable of being our partner. My husband's siblings are VERY supportive, I can't complain about them at all...but...it is true that the ones who live distantly and see him the least often are also the most apt to make statements like "it's sad to see the changes, but he's still Jeff!" While there is truth to the observation, they seem a little puzzled if I hint in any way that our relationship, as I knew and loved it, has evaporated.
So this is my guess. In the case of your kids, they scowl because they are having trouble coping with losing an illusory foundation they thought they had. In the case of your friends, they may fall into the category of folk who keep their distance a bit from your ill wife because they have too much trouble handling reality. That you're moving on shakes their ability to deny and repress. Or maybe they simply do not understand the trenches of AD (as most people don't,) and are therefore unable to comprehend how the situation makes situational ethics so absolutely necessary.
If your so-called friends aren't on your side, then you're hanging around with the wrong people. I've always found this to be true and have found it necessary, from time to time, to distance myself from some people. Maya Angelou tells people that she doesn't allow herself to be spoken to that way when someone is offensive. I tried that one time with a close relative and it worked!
The only thing that I can suggest is to be low-key, down-play, discreet. It's possible they could handle this better than obvious signs of your new happiness. People can be funny if they think you are being lucky or fortunate and maybe they're not. I think Divvi calls this Karma.
nordholm forgive me if I am reading too much into what you are saying. It seems you have doubts about what you are doing and are asking for absolution. Please understand-I am not judging you. That is not my place or intention.
You asked what you could do about your kids scowling about your new friend? How about putting the brakes on beefing up their bank accounts? Somehow the two don't seem to go together.
Children start out with a closed view of their parents, teaxchers, and opther authority/adult figures. The teacher of course hangs up in the classroom closet when the day ends. Parents have no other life except to fill their roles as parents--no sex, no social life, etc. Eventually as they grow up(mature) their perceptions usually change as does their relaionship with their parents. It may take a while but the relationship shifts to more of a mentor/caring friend nature. The child becomes independent, establishing their own household and making their own decisions. The parent may be consulted and opinions shared, but neither parent nor child makes decisions for the other.
Keeping these ideas in mind, maybe there are some things you can do to deal better with your dilemma. Talk with your children. If I've read your post correctly, tell them your DW's care is your top priority. To that end there will be no more financial bailouts except in a true emegency. As far as your new relationship, there will be no discussion, just as you will respect their private relationships. Each of you are adults and need to respect each other's right to your own choices. As far as friends' response to your new relationship--those who accept it-----treasure those who don't accept it----let them go make new mutual friends.
Please know I do not want to step on any toes. Just a thought, could the kids be worried there will be no money left for them if you find someone else?
When you first brought up this subject under another thread, I suggested you read this blog - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/tomandmarycompanions.htm
Maybe you can find some answers in the letter the man in the blog wrote to his children.
Nordholm - I would not bring money into the mix. I would gently and logically explain to my LIBERATED kids that if they truly believe their life style, then they are liberated enough to understand and support the path you have chosen. It is not for them to JUDGE - liberated people always talk about others judging, but in fact, they are masters of the art. It will always be a problem for many children to think that a parent has a life--especially sexual (ewee) that is outside of their interest. I would not talk about that part. Point out that you are fulfilling your vows 'in sickness & in health' by caring for their mother. A vow like that does not mean you have to be the only one to do the caring, it just means you have the responsibility which you are fulfilling. How much do they help with their Mom? Don't they see that she no longer fulfills the mother role for them and the wife role for their father? Would they become nuns/priests if their partner was no longer available to be a partner?
I'd certainly honor my Victorian parents, be discreet and secrerative, friends who do not approve can be replaced. I'm on your side. A lot of AD spouses would be happy to be in your shoes. Let us know how it goes. Enjoy.
“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."
Socrates (470 - 399 BC)
It's an old problem.
When my sister was numerous times a grandmother, our mother still talked to us like children, just as my sister talked to her children who were parents themselves as children.
Just yesterday I talked to my sister for a while who was trying to get all the 'kids' to come over and then later her son phoned who is one of my favourite nephews/nieces (I have nine) and whom I hired fresh from university to come and work with me. I pointed out to him that he is now 39, just 5 years younger than when I hired him.
On Sunday I am going to a family get together on my wife's side. That nephew is now 50. When he invited me it dawned on me that I retired at 53. Just last week I was over at my BIL/SIL's house. They talked about their son in terms of a child - that they were concerned about some of the decisions he was making.
It's the way of it. We never truly grow up into adults in the eyes of our parents and we never stop thinking as our offspring as children. It's always been like that and it always will be.
I am willing to take on a new mate who has her own adult children. I understand that resistance or acceptance by them will be an important issue.
I am unwilling to take on a new mate who believes that the feelings of her adult children either supercede or are comparable to her own feelings about me.
That's a person who never grew up and is herself still a child. Such a person is not committed to their own life as the central value; they are committed to the approval of their adult children. Adult children is an oxymoron.
The understanding that the youth of today are making mistakes doesn't dawn on us while we are young. Yet us aging wouldn't be what makes it true or false. So it would have had to be true when we were young and that would mean it was us destroying the future, just as it was our grandfather or grandmother who were doing it in their day. All the way back to Socrates. That doesn't stand up to close scrutiny. What does stand up is that as we age, our view of the world changes. It's the way of it and always has been.
Hi, sorry I have not been around. I must say I very much appreciate all the comments you have sent, especially Emily and Wolf. You made me think harder. My lovely friend (70) and I are now as close as any couple could ever be. We have a great, unforced love. We spent the weekend in Muswell Hill, London with her daughter's young family and went socialising and having a really good time. We are both good Catholics and attended Mass and took the Sacrament in a lovely multi-racial church. Amazingly, my son and his wife were in London at a radio show live broadcast at the BBC and came to meet us in the pub in Bounds Green on Saturday night. Everyone was intelligently kind and trying to be accepting and it all worked as well as one could hope. We must be very blessed. Home again, I visited my daughters and I see a softening of their positions. It seems friends of friends know D and love her as a wonderful person. I am leaving all of it to mature in time. My older daughter wanted assurance that Mum was the most important part of my life and this I concurred to, of course and my friend D said, without any doubt, that this should be the case. There are two things you have so kindly brought up - maybe my kids are worried that there will be no money for them if I die - I will not be changing my will. Loving D does not require that sort of change. I think they may feel raw because I am so well known in the community of our town and therefor the dilemma might reflect badly on them but I sense this could be now on a distant perimeter. My life has changed greatly, over and above the dreams I ever had, for the greatest better. Thankyou Joan for so great a blog and for your links to other fine ideas, especially the film of the newsreader and his AD wife. I am thinking of you all as we plough a totallly new furrow in a strange world brought on by the excellence of medical science and the new longevity. God Bless Peter