Marilyn - Long before I placed DH, it was always in the back of my mind that one day--one way or another--I would be alone. So one day we went and adopted 'Sophie' a big yellow lab mix. DH wasn't that far along and she became a focus for him. He'd walk her, feed her, clean up after her, and it was really good for him. After I placed him (yes, the hardest thing I've ever done), 'Sophie' was there for me, a warm body to hug, eyes to look into and respond in kind. a companion, a friend and connection to DH. Yes, a dog, a cat, a pet--something alive and to take care of. 'Sophie' is in puppy heaven now with DH, but she gave us both so much.
The results of being cooped up depend on our nature. People who want to be doing things and seeing other people are hit the worst. I spend a lot of time painting or doing stuff on the computer and I'm basically lazy. If I were orientated more towards contact and activity - to be honest I would be going even more nuts.
It's going to be a major challenge to accept her in a NH and living that first level of being alone. Coming home after visiting them and I won't be going every day - means I am largely alone at that stage. We've talked about this on other threads. The main challenge I don't think is meeting people - it will be but not yet - the major challenge I think is going to be learning how to live like that. Shopping for one. Cooking for one. Entertainment for one (now not blocked by our spouses limits when they were home; but, blocked by decades of not thinking like that or knowing how to, plus the emotional and frankly psychological damage we almost certainly have at that point). Making changes to our environment (do I move back into the master bedroom? do I make changes that might suit me more now but begin erasing them?).
It's going to be interesting in the same way that getting kicked in the head by skinheads is interesting. It's going to come in handy that we're all pros at that already. The hard part is NOT going to be surviving it. We're good at that. The hard part is going to be learning to live, love, laugh, smile, feel content, take chances and so on.
We're all very good on defence by the time we lose our spouse. It's likely that actively going out there into life and living it on our own hasn't been used in decades. I can make long lists of things to do. I just know the problem though is going to be getting up and out that door before I talk myself out of it.
Marylin - get the dog. That is the most probable thing I believe that is likely to make us feel good.
Wolf--I lived alone when I was single (albeit, that was a lifetime ago). So I guess I will remember how to do the shopping, cooking and entertainment for one if I work hard enough at it. The big difference was, I was working then, which took up 40 plus hrs a week and threw me in with other people. And I still remember being lonely then. However, after caregiving for 6 years, I suppose I will look at free time differently now and will never take it for granted again!
I was never alone in my life. Went from high school to nursing school to marriage. My husband was the take charge type and I loved it. I always hoped I would die first because I really didn't know or want to know how to manage living. Until this day I won't buy plane tickets or fly alone. HOWEVER-I have learned how to manage finances, the house and car upkeep, insurance and just about everything I need to be independent. My kids were so proud when I bought my first car alone. It is a bit late in coming-but I am proud of myself and enjoy being able to be independent. Don't get me wrong-I would have preferred to get old with my dear husband-but it was not to be.
Funny, Nora, I used to tell my hubby I wanted to die first, too. He was also a take-charge type and I was happy with that arrangement. But a dear friend told me, after Steve got sick, that he thinks I have managed better than Steve would have if the reverse had happened. Interesting how we see ourselves, and how other people see us.
I'm not sure I have anything to add here except to say I can relate to everything that has been said. My husband was placed just under three months ago. The availabilty of a bed was a total shock to me as I had been told the wait could be one to two years and just two weeks after applying I received the call that a bed was available. I had the weekend to decide whether to accept and I don't think I ever spent a worse weekend in my life. In the end I felt I had no choice, his day programme could no longer accommodate him because of his complex needs, he was threatening caregivers so that I could no longer leave him alone with them and his physical care was beginning to take its toll on me. I am still second guessing my decision and I expect that will go on for a long time. The stress of having him in a home is different but very much present. Instead of caring for him in our home, I spend hours every day with him at the nursing home. I'm having a terrible time trusting that others will take care of him the way he deserves. The guilt is everpresent as is the depression, the anger, despair and all the emotions experienced with the death of a loved one, only that loved one is still there as someone I hardly recognize. One way that I have adopted to ease the pain somewhat and is by making a connection with other residents and helping with some of the tasks for which busy workers have no time. I have also become involved in the family council that works to make things better for the residents of this home. This also acts as somwhat of a support group to family members. I
Inge, it sounds as if you have the right idea on coping with your husband's placement. My husband died 6 months ago after 18 months in placement. I spent many hours there with him and with other residents. The residents and staff became my family. It paid off as I was totally satisfied with his care and felt as if I had made a difference in other people's lives too.
I see so many familiar screen names, so many of you who have been helpful to me when I started on this site in April. After my sweet baby brother died on May 11, I could not bring myself back to this site. His memorial service was May 21, and I have been in a very depressed state since then, and DH is about the same or a little worse. He is so sweet and demands so little. I finally went for some counseling, and was told that losing four major family members in five months (former husband, father of my four adult kids and still good friend; husband's only sister; 27-year-old granddaughter suiciding; then my baby brother), plus having a spouse with Alzheimer's, is definitely grief overload. So now I have to learn how to grieve. Just the thought of my sweet brother, who was only a phone call away any day I wanted to talk, is not there. Just wanted to get my name back out here. All of you have been so helpful to me and now I am wallowing in self-pity. I am disgusting; I do not even like myself. I so much want to have a conversation with someone, and everyone is too busy. I do medical transcription, so I type a lot and listen a lot. I am just feeling like the most selfish person in the world.
PS Daughter (whose Dad died in December) and son-in-law (whose 27-year-old daughter suicided in March) were here this week. I had hoped to have at least a brief conversation with them and how we are dealing with our losses, when DH interrupted with an inane remark about how "all the InfoBabes on TV are almost always blonde." End of that possible discussion. That is just how it is. So very frustrating.
Sallie, You have every right to feel that way after going through all the trauma of losing so many loved ones. I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. I only want to wrap my arms around you and let you talk but knowing I can't do that I will be praying for some sunshine in your life.
Thanks "Bama" so much! I know you would if you could! Thank you so much for the prayers!!! I called my other sis-in-law tonight, and she ended up doing all the talking, but that is okay. She probably needed it too. Her husband is just one year younger than I, and at least we have one another for comfort regarding losing Jim.
Sallie, NO NO NO you are NOT disgusting or selfish, you are HURTING & responding like anyone else who went thru the trauma you have been thru. I also know how it feels to want to talk & then when a friend calls they do all the talking. You sound like me. Everyone thinks I’m a good listener so they tend to monopolize the conversation, but like you said, it’s OK. That means I’m helping someone else. Like Bama said I wish I too could also give you hugs & talk. Just know that we are here for you. (((HUGS)))!
Sallie, you indeed have been on grief overload. so many losses in such a short time. have you considered joining a grief group in your area for a while to help cope? its good you are back in this group. there is a multitude of caring people here to help you get thru this time.
Thanks all! I will be back -- when I find the time. Haha. This morning DH decided that the car needs a lube and oil -- he thought it was long overdue.These things were always in his purview but are now in mine. I could not persuade him that there were only 2,000 miles since the last lube and oil so I called my brother to confirm that it is normally done at 3,000 miles -- DH trusts Joe, and guys "know these things" -- so he got off that hobby horse. It seems as if it is always something -- I think it is because he knows he has no control over anything anymore. Someone previously on this thread mentioned that the husband used to take care of all those "guy" things, and now the women caregivers have to assume that role along with all the rest. I feel so bad. I wish there were something I could have him do that makes him feel worthwhile and that he is contributing. Any ideas? I was rear-ended a couple of weeks ago by an uninsured motorist. Right after that, Larry's Pathfinder died its last breath. It was becoming a money pit so I have to find a way to get rid of that. Losing his vehicle means that he is also losing his independence for sure, and that has to hurt. Also getting a new will and PoA so those have to be gone over before we sign. I know they are probably boilerplate but I just want to tie up all the loose ends -- in the process I have become the loose end -- or is it a loose screw? Anyway, thanks guys! Your caring and encouragement mean so much!!
I don't like dates. Too sugary and sticky. You have to either wash up afterwards or everything will stick to you. I agree with Don that the best are the shriveled up kind but you have to watch that the seed is out or else you can get into trouble.
No, even though there's lots of lovely, juicy fruit out there the only thing I want to do a faceplant into these days is either strawberry shortcake with real whipped cream or black forest cherry cake (Schwartzwalderkirchen torte) which is moist double chocolate with real cherry filling and again real whipped cream. I can't stress real whipped cream enough.
And if the slow and steady turtle is not your style and you're more like me which is that I don't need a rearview mirror because anything behind me is behind me - try placing an ad in the Manila Times. What do you think of this? (I'm still working on it):
Sixtyish eccentric seeks warmth. Must be a nice person, cook authentic Chinese food, and be willing to do normal housekeeping duties. Basic plumbing and wiring skills a plus. Looks unimportant. Bring your mother. Generous terms. Send CV to...
I know what will happen. I will get a thousand replies all saying the same thing. "Me love you long time."
Hey that's great but can you do Hunan Beef or Kung Po Shrimp?
In all seriousness I'm afraid Vickie is right. At least that's going to apply to me. I honestly have to admit that my eye and mind are wandering around no more than usual; but, with an agenda that is new which is that the back of my mind is assessing what sort of people are out there. I haven't done that since I was 18. I married at 19.
I'm in the Linus camp of the Charles Shultz comic strip. When Lucy scolded him for thinking something, Linus asked her how he was supposed to know what he was about to think and not think it. Wasn't it that he had to have the thought and then decide what to do about it. She stormed off.
Thinking about what we might do is no different than thinking about downsizing the house afterwards. They're practical realities that are going to be just as real as our marriage is now or was if we have a *. It can't be wrong to look at the truths of our life.
You never know where you'll find good philosophy. I found some coming out of Gandalf's mouth. "The only thing you have to decide is what you will do with the time that is given to you."
Take care of her. Tough it out through the nursing home thing. And then live my life as the free man I will be.
We'll see what sacrificing greatly for another, loving and having lost, having the admiration of those around me because of my actions, and staying true to my principles have as an effect in real life on me once it's just me and the only promise I still need to keep is to try and be happy. Just as I would have wanted for her. Words right now are imagination. With luck I will still be a member here with my * and then I can report this pilgrim's progress in flagrante delicto.
Maybe get a Harley and do Route 66 with just a backpack and a romantic book like Shelley. I could quote bits of his poetry to the waitresses. I love waitresses although the secret is to marry a nurse because you KNOW that she's a giving human being. I could explain to them that Shelley the poet was married to Mary the writer, a sweet young thing who's most famous book is Frankenstein. Hmmmmm. Life's like that though.
Paula, this sounds as if I wrote it myself. My wife has been gone 4 1/2 months and I am a wreck. Also on anti depressents and struggling. I get out of bed with a plan that I worked on all night as to how I will beat this thing today and by the time I go to the washroom I just wander beck to bed , once for 3 days. I am also sick of trying to defend my feelings and having people say you must move on. How can I ever move on while she is alive and suffering so greatly? I am begining to truly belive that my life is over and I will wonder like a Zombie for eternity. How depressing is that. ( I'm not much fun right know)
Selwyn - my daughter used to tell me that I lived in limbo--and it sounds like that's where you are now--and it's perfectly understandable. We all 'move on' at our own pace, don't let anyone push you. But the day will come when you least expect it and you'll say, 'enough of this already' and off you'll go to see a movie or whatever may interest you. I will give you the same trite but true advice that helps so many. Start researching volunteer programs. It will get you out of yourself and validate that you are someone who still has much to offer the world.