I used to be so social. Now all I want to do is stay at home. While he is being taken care of at the home, I sit here constantly thinking. I try and try every day to continue living, but I can't stop thinking. Everyone tells me about problems in life and I should stop feeling hopeless. Do they have this right to say this to me. I don't enjoy feeling this way. I don't see a future for me. I am 60 and I feel like this is also the end . Where do I go from here. How do I pick up the pieces that I can't seem to find. I'm taking anti depressants , but it only helps at times. It doesn't stop the thinking. I don't feel like going anywhere, and I don't want to be alone in the house. Boy, am I messed up. Others don't understand what we are going through and feel. I have given up trying to explain it to them. It's no use. It just gets everyone upset.
Paula, my hb is not as far along as yours but I find myself thinking the same way. Today I sat outside while he was inside watching TV wondering why go on. All I can see is a nothing future. I am 58. I have no idea of how long this journey will be = already 3 years. His dad went 25 years - if he does that my life is over. I think of the finances and the only income is his SSDI. I think of in 3 years when his life insurance will have to be let go because it will be way too expensive. I want him to die before that happens because I only see that as the only way I can survive. I am trying to figure out where to go this winter. The only option seems to be the wet, depressing west side of the state.
Paula--people can say whatever they want. It's up to you to decide whether they're correct or not, and to decide what you are going to do about your situation. I was once where you are, except DH was at home as was our daughter--at that time about 12. With encouragement from a friend I got some help. You are well ahead of where I was. I chose to accept medication as a part of my treastment, and counseling as well. The meds lete function more normnally and facilitated healingwhile the copunseling helped me learn how to be less vulnerable; to recpognize triggers; and techniques to counteract my depression.
My first suggestion to you, is to check with your Dr. about your med dose or even if it's the right one for you. Next,establish some routines--bedtime, getting up time, mealtimes. Create structure until your mind is ready to take that back over. Include time for some recreation--and make yourself do it. The fun of it will come back. Go for a walk everyday, weather pemitting.
Chose 1 thing to do to get out of the house each day. Do it.
At first all this will be hard, but if you stay with it,it will get easier. You'll find the negative thinking wuill lessen as you do more. Your mind can't be spinning those thoughts when it's busy keeping track of your walking, the environs around you, the traffic, etc. Grocery shopping. The more neutral or positive things you do(and focus on) the more ou take away from the time the negative thinking runs the show. As you strengthen, doing these things will become natural.
Check about your meds. Set up a schedule. Takea walk everyday. Decide on one thing to do outside the house each day and do it. You didn't get into this condition overnight and it will take some time to get out of it.
h. One other thing. If you slip up and haveastay in bed and do nothing day. Oh,well. Srttart back up the next day. Everybody has days like that.
I also find myself not wanting to be social. It is hard to have a good time when we go visit friends as I am constantly on the watch for what Tom is doing or saying. It makes me more tired and doesn't seem worth MY time. I don't enjoy it. At home he sleeps alot so I can go out and enjoy working in the yard or reading a book or something without the constant questions and confusion. I find I am more distant with my friends. They talk about things I am no longer involved in. Plus I am now jealous of the relationships they have with their spouses. I don't have that anymore and that makes me more of an outsider. I'm really tired and still a little weepy over our Saturday night uproar and if I had a choice I would sleep all day.
That is exactly how I feel. Is is not depression. It is a different life now and I don't fit in anywhere. I cringe to think of going into another relationship and the alternative is being alone. What is the answer. This is where i'm stuck in my head. Everything in this world is for two.
Isolated and abandoned. Stuck in Alz. World. All my friends are still employed and older friends deceased. Grown children are concerned but I do not want them to join me in pity parties. Only joy is when grandchildren stay over, all the hugs and kisses make it go away until they leave. I do stay busy but how much house cleaning and yard maintenance can one do? I run to grocery and rush back home. Were being swallowed up by this damn disease.
Do you not think that there is no happiness in this no matter which path we take on this journey. I have two friends who have recently placed their husbands. They are sad and confused. I have no life like the rest of you. I wait with great anticipation for my worker to come so that I can live for 2 hours. That time goes in a second. When we go out, I am constantly on guard for all the new behaviours which pop up at the most awkward times. Then there is the crying and then there is the explosion of anger. I have called our case manager to put in the papers for placement but that makes me feel guilty and sad. When the time comes for placement, I will be at the nursing home as much as I am home. I don't have the energy or inclination to clean or cook. I don't know if I am depressed or just lazy.
Sheila, I also would rather avoid social situations that can easily become embarrassing. I never know what is going to come out of his mouth or how he is going to react to any given situation, at least at home its just me that gets offended. I understand where you are at and it isn't easy.
One of the reasons I have put off placing my husband is that I see it as a huge loss. I know I will grieve at that point and there will be a period of mourning, and that I won't immediately become a social butterfly. Frankly, I think that is normal. My husband requires a lot of care, but I have help and I'm not overwhelmed, so I'm keeping him at home for now. Paula, I don't remember when you placed your husband, but I would think what you are experiencing is the reaction that many people have. Don't be too hard on yourself; I agree with Carosi, take small steps. You aren't going to bounce back to your old life overnight.
I am so sorry. My hb is still at home but I am still alone as you are. I am also 60 years old but I refuse to let dementia also take me along. It's a struggle everyday for me, it's not easy. There are times I just want to give up but I have my children to think about and that makes me want to continue fighting. Maybe if you force yourself to do some volunteer work just to get you out and keep your mind occupied. Have you thought of seeing a therapist? It is hard to relate to friend and family about how you feel. They just don't get it but you are strong. NEVER GIVE UP EVER!!!! If you get too lonely you can always email me personally.
I placed my husband 10 months ago. this is another day that we used to celebrate together. 4th of july. In two months, it will be a year.
Thanks Lee. I use to go to groups. I know all the answers. There really isn't anything anyone can tell us. We know. after 35 years of marriage , it's tough to be alone again. That is one of my problems. I appreciate your comments. It all helps.
I too am 60 year old and do not see much of a future for myself.My Dh is 63 and not nearly bad enough to be placed,but I fear when that day comes I will still have no future because he has always been my first concern and always will be-some days I do not LIKE him very much,but I will always LOVE him. We do not go out too much anymore ,because I never know what will happen next.He is starting to have more and more bathroom accidents and is having trouble finding the rightwords when he talks,so we pretty much stay home.Luckly he will go to ADC on the days I need to go o the grocery store. We are all in the same boat and it sure is not smooth sailing.
Paula--I am 62; marrried 34 yrs this month. I understand what you're saying.
Do you go to a support group for spouses of people with dementia? In our area, they even have groups for people under 65. It helps when you get to know people who are facing this and are close to your age. I agree with Lee about finding a therapist or counsellor who will help direct you and give you motivation to get involved in new activities. (Not sure what you meant about going to groups?)
I don't have any other answers for you. That's why I started the thread about rebuilding one's life while their LO is still at home. I don't want to be in the same sort of predicament you've found yourself in after placement; but not sure how realistic it is to think that I can get a jump-start on a new life while I have one foot in each world, so to speak.
marilynin when I was talking about groups I meant support groups. Unfortunetly all they have are people,, with parents that have Alz. I wish there were groups in Los Angeles that was for people under 65. I have been asking all over and it's only people in their late 70's and 80's.
We people in our 80s might surprise you. We know what is going on most of the time and what we have forgotten isn't important. I am teasing Paula. It's been a dull day here and who knows what I might say to get a conversation going.
Believe me , I have nothing against people in their 70's or 80's. I would just like to feel a connection which I have not been able to feel in the support groups I have gone to.
Paula, I feel such a connection to you... I can almost feel your pain. Perhaps because I have lived through it....you are where I was last year at this time. It took me a loooooong time to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Plain and simple, I was in mourning. I believe you are too. When we place our spouses, for some of us (like me) we go through the same grief process as we would with a death. It is a sort of death isn't it? We are alone now; it is much different than feeling alone even though our loved ones are living with us. It is so damn final. All hope is just ripped from you.
Divvi wrote a post about this.... it explains a lot of what I went through. Too bad I didn't read it sooner; I might not have taken me two damn years to figure it out on my own.... I hope it helps you...
"divviCommentTimeNov 9th 2010 There has been much anguish over placing our loved ones and of course bereavement and grief after we lose them. there is what is called 'survivors syndrome' which is a real take on maybe a few of the many reasons we feel so much pain and remorse after placing and or death. Some of the classic symptoms are' anxiety, depression, social withdrawal, sleep disturbance, nightmares, and physical complaints, along with emotional liability with loss of drive'. As you can see, any and all of these we feel while grieving after placement OR death. I have read countless numbers of many who placed their spouses and i am not too sure the placement isn’t sort of a facsimile to death-like feelings as well. The same feelings of, abandonment, frustration, anger, and feelings of inadequacy at placing our spouse can bring on the same grieving feelings and symptoms. Many times it’s not our choice but dementia disease that makes the decisions for us but even so we want to find guilt and blame ourselves for being the one left behind. We tend to forget we are not the ones who have caused suffering but along with our spouses suffer the consequences of the disease too. Giving ourselves the needed permissions to enjoy life again will only come again once we release our minds from the hostage feelings AD places on us from the very diagnosis. Maybe understanding that it’s a real symptomology and of sorts like a 'post traumatic stress syndrome' after the fact, can help us find an easier guilt free life after."
Once I stopped listening to people tell me what I ought to do.... Once I "allowed" myself to really grieve, and just let myself feel and experience the sheer utter devastation.... I started to feel better. Oh it hurt like hell!!! But I NEEDED that time to mourn. Be kind to yourself Paula and remember; only YOU know what is best for you. We can handle just about anything for just one day..... Try to think along those lines and live in "just today". One day at a time, do only what you feel you want to, when you want to. You are grieving, and it hurts!! It will take time....
Paula--I understand your issue about support groups because I encountered the same thing myself about 5 years ago.
I did a quick search of the Alz Assn California Southland Chapter website and found a list of support groups dated 3/4/11. The following groups were listed in the LA area for Early Onset (under 65):
Memory/Grad Club Alzheimer's Association Contact: Nicole Feingold, MA 323-930-6256
Santa Monica WISE & Healthy Aging Contact: Heidi Yates 310-452-7802
Other EO groups were listed in Hemet and Riverside. The Chapter's number is 323-938-3379; they probably have someone on staff who is their Early Onset Coordinator. In addition, there were a number of Early Stage groups listed that may include younger spouses (I realize your husband isn't early stage, but you still may benefit.)
I also Googled Leeza's Place, and they have a location in LA and another in Sherman Oaks, and it looks like they have a lot of services to support dementia caregivers. I wish we had one in this area! Check it out.
Thank you so much. You nailed it right on the head. The problem with placing your husband is death over and over and over again. I go to be with him, and he doesn't even know I'm there. I remember a posting that said. It doesn't matter if he remembers, .... I do. That is why I go. Last Sunday he was just staring at me, which he never did before, he was always in another world. I don't know if it meant he was trying to put our relationship together or not. But why do I keep doing this. What does it matter now. He will never get better and I just keep thinking, and thinking. Here I go again. I just wanted to thank you for your posting. I am going to print this out and keep it in from of me. I never made the decision to place him, the doctors did. They said he should not be at home, because it was better for him to be taken care of by professionals. He was becoming violent and wandering and asking to go home all the time, while packing boxes. I just listened like a good girl. That is another one of my guilts. I'm mourning Nikki , I'm grieving, I'm crying, but it doesn't get better. I have done everything I possibly can, medically and mentally to get through this, IT WON'T LET GO OF ME. What a sad place to be in. I used to be so alive. I really appreciate what you wrote me and the time you took to do this. Please don't stop. I think your wonderful.
You guys are so wonderful. Thank you for taking time to look those up. I always said I was trying and here is a perfect example. I have been to all of them. It's not regarding early onset and for some reason that is why I can't connect with the people. Maybe I'm wrong to think that way, but I need a place like this to see a person face to face. I so wish you all lived here, maybe I would be able to get some peace. Thanks again for the time you took for me.
Los Angeles is HUGE and I found that too much AD stuff was only on the "west side" - too far for me. (I dont know which part of LA you are in)
Below is another list of LA resources. I go to a once a month group in Glendora with Patti. It has AD parents and spouses, both young and old. Nice bunch.
Paula, for what it is worth, I think you are doing wonderfully! It took me two years to finally reach a place of peace within myself after I had to place Lynn. There is much more mourning in my future, I know this. The key Paula, is allowing yourself the time you need to grieve while making sure you do not allow the grief to consume you. I think you are on the right track, and way ahead of where I was the first year of placement. You are talking about your feelings; you are trying to figure a way out of your "funk". Me, I just didn't care. I wasn't suicidal, I didn't want to die.... I just didn't want to live... I didn't want to witness or feel any more loss. Hard place to be, and still hard for me to talk about. But, I think it is a feeling many of us understand.
Personally, I think we expect too much from ourselves. We are in a perpetual state of grief for years! I remember after I placed Lynn how friends and family couldn't understand why I was still in so much pain. In their minds, the stress of caregiving was over... I could now go out and have fun. My "burden" had been lifted in their eyes. They thought I should be happy that he was getting the care he needed. They couldn't understand how having to place him destroyed me.
Having never lived in Alzheimer's hell and never having to face placing their spouse in a nursing home, they simply could not understand the overwhelming grief that comes with it. They also can’t understand that Lynn was NOT a burden to me. To paraphrase a popular song, “he ain’t heavy, he’s my husband!” Caregiving 24/7 was indeed HARD and very very stressful!! But they couldn’t understand that my "job" wasn't over just because Lynn was placed.
I had all this free time, time I desperately wanted while I was in the midst of daily caregiving… but time I did not want once he was placed. I was constantly pressured to “get out enjoy my new found freedom”. Freedom!!?? I thought that such a heartless thing for people to say to me. The thinking being ok now he is placed, move on with your life. He IS my life. I did not place him so I could “move on”, I placed him so he could get the best possible care, care I could no longer provide. I had wanted nothing more than to keep Lynn home until the bitter end, it was my plan all along. Added to the grief and depression, I also felt a complete and utter failure.
During all of this my doctor told me “Nikki, if you weren’t depressed, THEN I would be worried!” ….. so Paula, I will say the same thing to you….considering all you are going through, it is “normal” to feel as you do. It is a damn hard place to be, but it will get better. Never what it once was, but better than it is now.
Keep writing, we are here to help you. This is the only “support group” I have. Like you I have tried others but never found one I could remotely connect with the people there. Here someone always understands just what you are going through. A great group of people!!! ♥
Nikki you are in my head. The things you have said is exactly how I feel. Just because he is not here does not mean I can start living. Your right. He was my life. Why can't others just understand that. I felt like I failed my husband. Maybe I shouldn't have listened to the doctors, maybe I should have kept him here a little bit longer. I love talking with you. You have helped me so much.
Anytime Paula ♥ We all need to feel someone understands the hell we are in. That is what is so wonderful about this site, for the first time in years I felt I wasn't alone. Is a great feeling to be amongst people who truly know. Now I must scold you a bit *wink*
Paula, in no way shape of form have you failed your husband!! What you have done is to get him the best care possible, the care he needs, regardless of the emotional cost to you. To me that says you love him enough to want what is best for him and that you are very UNselfish and loving. I do know how hard it is to see that in yourself when you are going through the pain.... but it is the truth!
It is still so hard having Lynn in the nursing home. But it doesn't hurt as deeply as it once did. It doesn't consume me most days. I wont say it will ever be easy, but Paula, one day it wont hurt as much as it does right now. ((Big hugs of understanding))
Paula--perhaps others can't understand because they have never experienced the depth of emotion and love you have for your husband. I am glad I have been fortunate enough to experience great love, even though it has brought great pain.
I still think you should call your Alz Assn Chapter and let them know that you tried the groups they advertise as Early Onset, but didn't find what you needed. The Baltimore area (where I live) is so much smaller than LA, but we have several younger onset groups. I don't get it. They may be keeping a waiting list to get enough people to start an EOAD group. An area the size of LA must have at least as many EOAD patients as we have here, probably more.
You could also call some assisted living facilities/nursing homes to find out if they have their own support groups and if any EOAD spouses attend. Sometimes they are open to the public.
I think I will say those exact words to the association. Early Onset. They should have it here because we are so populated. Thank you so much. I think I will call facilities also, thats a good idea. I'll let you know the outcome.
LOL Paula :) I can't see this country girl living in LA...eeeeep! I have visited though, Lynn's sister lives in Palos Verdes.
Marilyn, excellent advice! We don't have any local groups here in New Hampshire. The nursing home does offer a monthly group meeting but it is mostly children dealing with parents. It just is not the same! Instead of age, I think they should offer groups for just spouses. As Joan's site says, "Our issues are unique"
It isn't only a support group that can help, sometimes a good friend, your clergy etc. can help you as well. For me my best support has been right here. I feel safe here, to me that is vital. Keep talking Paula, sometimes we just need someone to listen.
Nikki, you are right. I also feel this has been a life saver for me. I was going to a group, but the facilitator passed away. I know that they now have another group, but I don’t have anyone to stay with DH in the evening. When I did go to the other group I was always hesitant to talk because I didn’t want to take any time away from anyone else (cuz when I get started I sometimes don’t know when to stop – talking that is!) I like the fact that this is available 24/7 & I can “talk” as much as I want. I feel that I can write my feelings better than I can voice them. Everyone here is so understanding
Nikki, tell the NH you want a spouse's group. Adult children and spouses have different issues. You would make a good facilitator for a spouse's group!
I agree Elaine, I like it for all the reasons you mention plus a few. A big one for me is I am a marshmallow! I have trouble talking openly about my feelings and when I finally do, I cry. I HATE to cry in front of anyone. Here, nobody can see the tears.
Marilyn, funny you should say that, I was asked if I was interested in facilitating a group. I have also been told I should write a book. My reply to both is No thank you! Ugggg I just don't have the emotional energy to spare. I guess that it selfish in some ways. But to my thinking I have earned the right to now think of me. I did tell them I would be more than willing to talk with any spouse, and I have done so many times. I like it better one on one; I think it helps people open up more.
I used to be terrified to speak in front of a group. Now you can't shut me up. Often I get a phone call just a few minutes before an event asking me to facilitate a discussion. We here all know our subject and it's not difficult to just spew it out. My focus is to let others know about the needs of the caregiver. I really feel good about educating our community about AD.
I agree, Nora. People don't understand this role nor this disease, and the way to change that (besides experiencing it yourself) is education.
Nikki, maybe later on you will reconsider facilitating a group. One of the reasons I do it is because I remember so well the feelings of desperation of the early years. I see new people come into the group the same way; it is very gratifying to help and see them "get a handle" on their role and actually benefit from attending. I am powerless to help my husband survive AD; but this is a way of compensating for that.
Nikki, Until I brought my husband home from the ALF, I was the facilitator for the Support Group. I was really nervous the first time, however, realized after about 2 minutes that most people just want someone to talk to that is going through the same thing. They really didn't want speakers, so I just let them talk, cry or whatever.
At our last support group meeting was a woman whose husband, a retired pediatric cardiac surgeon, is in the early stages of AD. I told her about this site, but she said she did not want to know what was coming. I'll be interested to see if she shows up to the next meeting.
I think, in some ways, the first meeting is the hardest. You know you will have to "tell your story"; you don't know what the facilitator(s) and other members will be like. It can be intimidatingl
At the last 3 sessions of my monthly meeting, a woman sat quietly and refused to say anything (OK, her right to do so) We could all see she was panicked beyond description, but just wouldnt speak.
Then last month I distributed the "Understanding the Dementia Experience" article. (We get a lot of new people who have no understanding of the disease) Anyway this quiet woman FIANLLY spoke up and asked "Whats the difference between Dementia and Alzheimers?"
Long story short - 6 months ago her 50 some y/o husband had a sudden cardiac arrest in bed next to her. He was rescuitated by paramedics spent a month in a coma and has now woken up and begun to talk, walk etc. (he is getting better!) With all this AD talk it was interesting to hear somebody describe how their LO was having constant IMPROVEMENT. But her doctors (there have been many) gave her a Dx of "dementia' and she has believed that he was going to decline like our folks do and she could not take losing him twice. Stressed to the max (understandably) we explained all the differences and she seemed so relieved after 3 months of internalized panic.
We sent her back to her doctors to demand the full story and essentially told her congradulations, but . . . while you are always welcome, you are in the wrong support group. . . . Hard sometimes, but It always pays to speak up, thats what you are there for.
A little off topic here, but what this woman went through with her husband is exactly what happened to my sister-in-law's husband. He has some brain damage from his period without oxygen and being in a coma but in no way does he have dementia. He has improved to the point where although he can't hold the type of job he had before the heart attack (he was a high level executive in the advertising industry), he can take care of himself, cook, drive, holds a part-time job as a cook for his parish priests, etc. Most important to me is that he can learn, discuss current events and babysit his granddaughter.
The thing that bugs me is that my sister-in-law (who is my husband's sister) still likes to compare her husband to mine. I wish they were alike. I wish she would call sometimes to even ask about her brother.
deb, I agree with you.. My DH had heart surgery in 05 and I think that is when the symptoms really began to show despite being told this will subside..then he had a TIA and the memory issues advanced. And finally in 09 it got to the point that after I had been on 3 trips I finally saw what was in front of me all the time but was just too close to the forest to see the tree. What I just can't stand are people who have a parent or other relative who has some age related memory fog but does not have dementia, These people can drive, pay bills, keep their own appointments even at age 80 or so or younger yet they try to sort of horn in our our turf with similarities to try to imply they get what we are going through when they do not have to take this LO to an appointment, pick up their meds, drive them everywhere, etc etc..I join your vent..
Paula - Years ago I went to an AD spouse group at OPICA in Los Angeles, around Barrington & Olympic. Very good programs. 310-478-0226. I heard about another one called WISE but never went there.
Trite but true advice, when you're too involved in your own sorrow - and you have earned it -- it's good to volunteer. There is just so much. In Los Angeles I volunteered at the zoo & Travelers Aid at the airport--all sorts of things. If you can arrange time to be away from LO, try it. If you don't like it, you can always quit.
The cause of the man's symptoms was "cerebral anoxia" or the brain being without oxygen and having parts of it die. His brain was badly injured BUT it was healing. (and he was getting better) Because his heart was pumping oxygen to his brain again he is not expected to have further losses. (but he may not come back 100%) It is the same situation that happens to people who have survived drownings.
Our LOs have a form of 'brain rot' that cannot be stopped. We can only expect constant declines.
The problem is the use of the word "dementia". DE means to be without and MENTIA refers to mental (mentation) "Dementia" means: To be without brain function. Whatever the cause. Technically the doctor was correct to say the heart attack person had 'dementia' unfortunately the dementia word has become associated with Alzheimers and that really confused the poor woman about what was happening and what she could expect.
Using the technically correct word or using the "proper" word, always a problem in medicine. It is the same situation when a pregnant woman 'stops' being pregnant. Did she lose the baby through a 'miscarriage''? or did she have an 'abortion'? Using technical medical words both situations are called "abortions" and of course there are lots of emotional overtones to using the wrong word to describe what happened in a pregnancy situation.
Nikki, I am so impressed with your words to Paula. You say what so many of us, perhaps all of us, feel. People don't understand what a terrible decision placing any loved one is let alone a husband. I have 2 friends who recently placed their husbands and they are certainly grieving. This is such a difficult journey. I think that many days, it is not one day at a time, but one minute.
Jang thank you, what a thoughtful thing to say. I agree with you, unless you have had to place your spouse one just can't understand. Oh I had thought about it, and I thought I knew how painful it would be... I was wrong. It was worse than even my most horrific nightmares. I felt totally severed, destroyed. I can compare the pain to nothing other than death.
Oh I complained while he was living with me that he wasn't really "there", that I felt alone...and that was true, but he was still a constant presence in my life. Once placed it hit me like a ton of bricks, we would no longer be living together as man and wife, we would no longer be living together period....that is a pain I did not think I could survive.
And I do agree with you, that first year following placement, there were moments when I was definitely holding on minute by minute. Two and half years later and it is still a huge struggle to be separated from him. I remind myself daily that I must love him enough to do what is best for him, to get him the best care possible. But it isn't what I want..... *sigh
I still have that to deal with. I have just put the papers in for placement. I remember with painful clarity the day I took my mom to the nursing home. That was 13 years ago and I can still cry when I think of it. I can't imagine how it will be to take my husband. When I would visit mom, I would watch the couples and think how terrible it must be to be either the one who has to stay or the one who has to go. A year before mom died, I knew that I was to be one of them. I was to be the one who could leave.
I'm struggling mightily with the placement issue which is clearly coming closer. Part of that is me and part is the continued deterioration of basic skills like walking. The truth is that it's going to be a real challenge for me when I'm alone just to keep cooking and eating for one.
We each have our own areas that are harder. For some it is the loss of what was normal, for some it is love, for some it is the amount of work, the lonliness, the expenses. There are a lot of challenges to choose from and the struggles come in combinations.
I've sailed through some things other's found tough. Giving her up to a NH and then living alone is a monumental mountain in front of me. Even though I know that afterwards I will come to accept it, right now it's the thing I can talk about but not face without serious trauma that goes right to the core of me.
When I hear of other's talking about the struggles of this, believe me, I feel your pain. I know that I will get this done and make it through. I know too that time heals given enough of it. I hate this and I hate how it makes me feel.
Me too Wolf. It is funny that you should say that we each have our own areas. I have dealt with some that others are horrified by and yet for me, it is the loneliness. Being behind a locked door day after day does something to your sanity. That is if I have any left.
This week it became apparent that I will be placing my husband very soon. He is in a dementia psych unit, having his medication adjusted, and will be released in a week or two. His doctor made the decsion easier for me because he does not want him to come home. I see the wisdom in that; he's at the point where it is very challenging to keep him safe in a residential setting. He is late stage 6 and very mobile. So starting tomorrow, I'm going to visit facilites and make a choice.
So far, I am not feeling the huge emotional loss I expected; I think the reality hasn't hit me yet. Maybe because I wasn't expecting placement at this time; maybe because the last year has been truly difficult. My Dad also passed away in June, so it is a lot to take in at once.
One thing I plan on doing, when the dust settles, is getting a dog. I have wanted one for years and now, the time is right!