Last night Tom and I went to visit some friends, play in their pool and catch up with life's happenings. We had a wonderful evening and when we started to go to bed he all of a sudden started yelling at me...calling me a filthy name and accusing me of being naked in the pool with "all those men". He turned into someone I have never known. He has never spoken to me like that....it's like he turned into a monster. I asked him this morning if he remembered our "argument" last night. He said that he went straight to bed and we didn't even talk before he went to sleep. I told him what he said to me and he said that he absolutely did NOT say any such thing, that it was totally out of his being to do anything so mean.
I am hurting like none other today. I cried all night and have cried most of today. This is by far the worst he has gotten and I am so scared.
((((hugs)))) Sheila. I have not experienced this - yet - but others have here. As hard as it is, you have to write it off as the disease. To wonder about - did he drink or eat something that he might have had a reaction to? Or maybe he got too tired and lost control.
Earlier on in the process Jeff did have a similar episode. An old friend of his was visiting and staying in our home. The friend and I were watching television and discussing a relationship issue the friend was having (he was looking for female input.) Jeff left to take a walk and was very cold the next day when we all went to breakfast and saw the friend off. I pried it out of him later that he thought we were fooling around in the living room. It was never his nature to yell, and that apparently did not change even when these weird thoughts started.
sheila take care, these scenarios could tend to escalate when he feels this way even if not provoked. there are others here who have had spouses turn on them in an instance. please get with his dr and maybe it could be time to update the medications. this sounds like beginnings of rages which can make them very hostile when you least expect it. divvi
Back in 2008, I wrote countless blogs about this. It was the most hurtful, horrifying experience I have ever been through. My loving husband turned into a monster. I can't even write the things he said to me, because they still hurt so much. As Divvi said, the incidents did turn into rages so terrible that the doctor put him on Risperdal. He still takes a small dose, which keeps him under control.
Go to the home page, click on "previous blogs", and click on 2008, particularly Feb-Sept.
Joan, thank you. I have spent the better part of the afternoon reading your blogs and messages from others resulting from your blogs. It is a bleak future but I know I am not alone. Our granddaughter lives with us right now but is going to college in the fall. I plan to take over her bedroom so I can have a place of "my own" to retreat to. She'll always have a place to come home to but while she is away it will be mine all mine. I am already dreaming of how to redecorate it. I do feel better today. Son and daughter in law came over for lunch and we are all going out to watch fireworks at dark. Next Sunday, the 10th I am leaving for Chicago with a very good friend (the one who has the pool). My sister lives in the burbs of Chicago so we are all 3 going to stay down by Navy Pier, shop, go on an evening dinner cruise and just have some great times. I will be 60 on the 12th so this is my present to myself. Tom is going to be staying with his brother in KC while I am gone. I am so looking forward to not being around him for 4 days!
Oh shelia1951, I hope you have a WONDERFUL time in Chicago. I would love to go off on a girl’s weekend, but I wouldn’t have anyone to leave DH with. I can’t leave him alone anymore & when I leave him with anyone, even our daughters, he gets “antsy” after 3 hours. I’m thinking that as the AZ progresses I will be able to leave for longer periods & maybe even get him to go to Adult Day Care. Anyway, have FUN & if you have a glass of wine or a drink have one for me!
yes shelia enjoy your trip-I have never been on a girls weekend and since my DH has this Dreadful disease-I sure can not go now either.You are very lucky to have somone willing to take care of your husband. Be safe but have a good time for all us that can not go too.
Demented people say the most hurtful things but they never remember what they say. I know what you are going through. My hb does that all the time. It really isn't that much different now than before he got dementia. He's always talkd badly about me to his family and friends which is why I first divorced him 12 years ago. He has such a hugh ego that everything is always about him even now. 24/7 he talks about himself. I am so sick and tired of it that I barely talk to him anymore. I just don't want to hear it. It's hard not to take it personal but we are human and have feelings. Hang in there and be strong. It's won't get any better. I will have you in my prayers along with all the other caregivers.
That is the sad part about Tom. He has always been the most kind and considerate person in the world. I hope this one time was a fluke and it never happens again. His brother and sis in law are great with him. At first he said he was going to stay home alone and I told him that if he wouldn't go to Scott's that I wouldn't be able to go on my trip. After awhile he came around and is looking forward to it. Bless them for taking him for a few days!
Sheila I am so glad you will be able to go on this trip and I hope you have a wonderful time! Lynn too was so loving and kind before Alzheimer's, that is why it was such a shock and so devastating when the "Alzheimer's Devil" reared its ugly head. I too hope it was a fluke. Like Joan, I too feel this was the most difficult part of our journey.
Zibby, I am sure he doesn't remember.... be kind to yourself, we all do the very best we can ((hugs))
sheila--I am responding to your comment that you hope it is a fluke and doesn't happen again. Sorry to say this, but I think it's not likely that it will go that way. His brain is malfunctioning, and the fact that he was the most kind and considerate person makes it even harder to take. I agree with Divvi that you should contact his doctor about some medication to calm him.
Sheila, I'll be having lunch at Navy Pier on the 12th. Going to Chicago w/local college group on an architectural tour of two theaters and then a river tour on Chicago River seeing other architecturally significant structures. (I don't care so much about architecture; just getting away for awhile. Hired help to stay 1/2 day w/hb; family sharing the other 1/2).
sheila1951, my DH went through a period of anger & aggression. That is when I got him a prescription for Seroquel (I know it doesn’t work for everyone) lucky for us it worked. He is on a low dose & I give it to him at night. It helps him sleep. He still gets angry, but not as often & not as aggressive. I also think the progression of the disease helped too.
As Elaine said, the progression of the disease does help too...my DH was angry, and had many outbursts along with some depression during the early middle stage...we tried an anti-depressant which did not make much difference, but not long after that we saw a new neurologist who started him on the Exelon patch..he said it may calm him a little, which I noticed. Now I am not sure what did it, but he is calm, happier and so cooperative!
We are seeing a new neurologist the end of August. Since she specializes in dementia and parkinson's maybe she will be able to get his meds regulated a little better. I hope she can help in SOME way!
Well, it wasn't a fluke. He talked about it all afternoon only cried instead of yelling. When he was married some 35 years ago to another woman, she cheated on him all the time. He is now saying that if she did it to him why would he believe that I wouldn't. I emailed his PCP (he is on his honeymoon) with this latest development. Hope he answers me quickly.
Sheila I am sorry for you and for your poor husband. How difficult it must be to be trapped inside that mind..... I am thinking his PCP must have a doctor on call to cover him? If he gets any worse I would call them for a consult. It is all so damn tragic..... keeping you both in my thoughts....
I know how scary an incident like that can be, it just rattles your cage to the bone. You wonder if he's going to escalate and what is he going to do next?? I'm so sorry, Sheila, that you had to endure that, it's so hurtful, especially the first time.
Lately, dh has been obsessing about not driving AGAIN. The other day he announced that he was going to take the car and go down to the store and somewhere else. I told him he most certainly was not because ..... Well, he instantly turned all red faced and began screeching me in a very loud voice and swearing (although he didn't call me any names) - he was just enraged. I was startled at how enraged he really was, but I did manage to keep my cool and told him the above. As he kept obsessing and yelling about the car I went to shut the patio door because we had a worker just outside. When he asked why I asked him if he wanted the helper to hear him talking to me like that?? And, that was that; a half hour later he was the most wonderful man, all lovey dovey and had forgotten the entire incident. Sometimes that poor short term memory IS the Silver Lining.
mothert, how do you handle it when he gets so angry & verbally abusive & then half hour later he is his sweet self again? I find that for me that is one of the most difficult things for me to handle. I, of course get angry, but then when he forgets the incident & wants to be all lovey dovey (as you put it!) I just can’t turn off my anger & frustration. I try. In my mind I am saying, “it’s not his fault, it’s the disease” but that just doesn’t make it easier. How about the rest of you? How do you turn your emotions on & off?
It is hard to ALWAYS remember it's the disease.I can't just turn anger and frustration off either,wish I could.I don't think many of us have that ability.
I find it VERY hard to turn my emotions off. Last night after all that went on the past few days, Tom found a card that I had bought him for father's day. It was a very loving, weepy type card. All of a sudden he wanted to make love. I didn't turn him down because I didn't want to invoke more anger and accusations but it was all I could do to pretend. I wish I could forget like he does but I just can't. I don't know how many times a day I say "it is the disease". I am thankful I am on Lexapro. I wouldn't be able to cope.
Wish I could offer some encouragement, but I fail miserably at stuffing my emotions. Even though I know its the disease talking and acting, I am ranting and raving in my head, and believe me it isn't nice. When he finally comes back all nicey, nice then I usually walk away and remain silent. I am so sick of this junk I could scream!!!!!!!!
shelia1951, you just touched on another subject I hesitate to bring up. Of everything my DH has forgotten the one thing that comes up a few times a month is sex. Someone here said that I should tell him that we already did it, but I believe his libido is still alive & well & like I said, of all the things he has forgotten THAT is not one of them. It is really difficult for me to pretend all the time. I really still love him, but I guess I don’t have to explain it to you. Thank you everyone for responding. Sometimes I feel like I am such a bad person. It helps to know that I am not the only one who can’t turn their emotions on & off like a light switch.
Elaine,I for one CAN NOT turn my emotions on and off.When I get upset and angry with Paul,I usually YELL or slam doors but he just does not even to notice that I am MAD.Now I REALLY DO understand that IT is the disease,but I get really tired of telling myself that over ad over.As for the loveie dovie part HE don't ask and I sure don't volunteer.As you say I do still love him with all my heart but the feelings are just different now. Yes it is funny or strange the things they do or do not remember,Paul does not know how to get into bed or how to put his clothes on but he sure remembers that he used to be a smoker and asks for them daily. Sure glad we can tell each other this stuff-cause there is no one around here that wants to hear it.
Ladies, take it from one who has had success--tell him you just did it, it was great, you love him so much, he's the best husband, etc. Polish up your acting skills! It works!
I know it is so hurtful when they turn on you--especially if it was never their nature. All I can say is, ride it out. Everything with this disease passes and eventually you will feel more pity and sadness than anger as time goes by.
Marilyn, what is it we day here…..what works for one doesn’t always work for another, well trust me, I’ve tried your way & it didn’t work. I hope this isn’t TMI, but my hubby doesn’t need any of “those pills” to “get it up”. When we do have sex he is good for a few weeks, but then the urge comes back & the hard on doesn’t go away until it’s taken care of and he pesters me until it’s taken care of. We had a fairly good sex life before, but the way things are now it’s very difficult for me to be a willing partner. Thank you so much for letting me vent here. I have wanted to talk to someone about this just to get it out of my system, but it is such a private, taboo subject anyway, let alone throwing AZ in the mix, there is just no one I could even broach the subject with. So again, thank you!
Elaine, i think we all can understand this important issue. its one of those 'specific issues that AD spouses deal with' as per joan. we have said it here more than once both men and women have straining issues with regards to sexual advances with AD spouses. something about them not being mentally whole and sometimes very self centered is a huge turnoff. many of us have been where y ou are today. some fiblets work some dont depends on where in the disease our spouse is. know you arent alone at some point most of us have had to deal with this very issue. if it gets too much to deal with maybe speaking to his dr could help. there are meds out there for hyperactive sexual activity that can be associated with AD.
Elaine, for what it is worth yes we do understand. I wrote this over two years ago ....... "A blessing for me, was when his short term memory became nil to none. He would want sex, and I would say "again!! I am still tired from earlier" It built up his ego, and got me off the hook. acccck"
BUT!! Before his memory was so bad, I could not "get away" with that! I agree with Divvi, it totally depends on where you are in this damn disease. In the early stages, they are not too bad at all, and we did still enjoy a great sex life. In the mid stage when he still had a healthy libido, and was still "with it" those times were very difficult indeed. I remember poor Lynn not understanding why I didn't want to, and how once he asked, "don't you love me anymore?" .... well hell!! Broke my damn heart....... It is very, very difficult and I am sorry you are going through this….. as Divvi said there is medication that can help. ((big hugs))
there are those of us here who have not had sex in years, even before AD was evident and would say 'enjoy it' or 'aren't you lucky'. YET we all know how hard it would be/ is to have sex with someone who has no concept of the intimacy that is missing. Catch 22
Charlotte, I never know what to say to some of your posts....... I feel so badly for you! I have been with Lynn since I was 18 and though I knew not all couples were as happy as we are, I guess I was naive and it just never occurred to me others were miserable in their marriage. One of my close friends knows how close Lynn and I use to be, she always told me she envied our deep love. I didn't know she meant it until she shocked me not long ago by saying, even though she knew I was in great pain, she would still wish to trade places with me even now. She said it would be worth the pain just to know and experience a love like we had. WOW (stunned face)
I am rambling here.... I just wanted to say it makes me so sad that you never had a great love..... I just can not imagine trying to care for a spouse without that strong love to see me through. My heart goes out to you. ((hugs))
Nikki - you did have a 'fairy tale' love, a love few have. My hb's problem was ED that started in his 40s. I blamed myself for years as being the problem but I now believe it was an early symptom of AD. But, we also never had that loving relationship after I found out about his affair in 1985. It was because he said that he was sorry he got caught, not that he broke our marriage vows. A part of him was hoping she would get pregnant with the child I could never give him. Also, he was diagnosed with 'detached personality disorder' which is why sorry was never a part of the equation. I just wonder if the detaching was a very early sign of AD. We will never know.
Thank you for caring and I am happy you had such a very special marriage.