Here's an excerpt from my journal Nov. 3/2008. I just wanted to share it with you guys, it's healing for me:
Here's some of the things about my old life that I miss: not having a cloud over my head everyday (that's huge) hope and optimism feeling like I have some big say in my future cooking for fun reading for pleasure having big chunks of time to myself drawing and painting
(NOTE FROM TODAY 7/2/2011...THE ABOVE LIST IS AWESOME TO SEE, KIND OF LIKE A LITTLE MAP TO FOLLOW. I'M JUST SHARING THE REST IN CASE IT MIGHT HELP TO KNOW SOMEONE ELSE HAS BEEN THERE. I FELT VERY ALONE IN THIS EXPERIENCE UNTIL I FOUND JOAN'S SITE)
I know I can get some of that back. I'm gonna start with reading. Even 15 minutes a day would be more than I'm doing now.
This whole thing with Bryan takes a big toll on me and on him too, of course. It's one of those things I cannot change--his illness. I can change how I react to it but it's f*&ing hard. What do I do with all these feelings?
I get so frustrated, exasperated, annoyed, irritated and exhausted on a daily basis. I am living with someone that a lot of times I don't even like. And I hate to admit that. I hate to see what Bryan and I had, turned into this. So I fight not to let it. I fight to remember who he was...that he was once strong and vibrant and healthy. And that my face lit up when he walked into a room. Now I almost dread it because I know he'll be confused and asking for something.
I don't think I can describe how difficult it is to watch someone be dismantled piece by piece on a daily basis. And yet he keeps on going. That really is a testament to the strength of his spirit.
There's not much for me to do besides keep trying to figure out better ways to deal with this. I feel like I should spend more time with him but when I do I feel like I'm drowning or suffocating. Maybe because part of me still expects him to interact with me the way he used to. It seems like no matter how many times I tell myself things are different now I still expect to see the old Bryan.
I wish someone could give me some steps to take...tell me how to do this better.
I am doing some things right...I got us some help. Donna has been coming for 2 wks and is a big help. I got support and assistance from others financially and with daily life. I haven't given up or hidden or run away OR even allowed myself the luxury of those fantasies. I go to a counsellor, I go to a support group. Doesn't make the pain go away-does make it a little easier to bear.
You are doing as well as you can by carving out a bit of time for yourself whenever possible. Pain stays so we don't forget what it was like to desire what we didn't have. We are here for you so anytime you need a little encouragement, just post. I can't relate to what most of you are going through (yet) but before I go to sleep at night, I say a prayer the next day may be a little easier for you.