One statement mentions having no one to really share an item in the paper...I find that to be true now. I often catch myself now and stop before I start to share something with DH since he would require so much explanation in order grasp the whole of it...there is a real loneliness in this. Another loss along the way to official widowhood.
Or widower. I haven't had a conversation with my wife for two years now. Dr Rubin's article might be boiled down to the question "Who am I?". She makes us experience the thoughts that come with this in a penetrating way and helps us understand what goes through the mind of even a person who has worked and written in these very subjects.
She does say there is no self without society and I disagree. That is the very core of the conflict which is in fact the framework around which she builds her article and which she lets us know towards the end she is aware of.
Dr Rubin lists some of the many things she has done of which only one is being married to her husband yet that one thing is intertwined with all the other things for 49 years. That central loss makes her question all the other components of her self.
But that is not the loss of herself. That is the loss of her society.
We are still here and still our self which for many at least the lonliness and heartache of the loss of our loved one makes painfully clear. It is the society we cherished that we have lost - not our self.
We choose to live simultaneously with the pain or in the pain in exactly the same way that someone with painful arthritis chooses to live despite the pain or gives up their life to the pain.
How we deal with the undeniable hardships that come with being an alzheimer's spouse is one subject and only a fool would deny that it takes a heavy toll in many ways. Continuing ourselves is a seperate subject and Dr Rubin touched on two of the key elements. Stockholm syndrome which is that we are prisoners to the extent that we lose ourselves in that. And survivor guilt which is an issue for all couple survivors but is compounded in AD.
It is irony that the strengths we undeniably have shown we have, cannot more effectively be brought to bear to helping ourselves out of the psychological mess to an acceptance that has been fully earned. It is obviously a joke that we say we would want the other person to be happy if the situation were reversed.
The joke is that we only meant that about them. Since clearly we did not mean it about our self.
Wolf, your wrote, " And survivor guilt which is an issue for all couple survivors but is compounded in AD." I don't feel this. I'm sad that my husband is gone forever from this earth. I'm sorry that Alzheimer's is a cruel disease and that he suffered greatly. But I'm glad he is at peace now and that I did my best along the way.
While reading that article, I was struck by the fact that others have that unrealistic surge of hope when our loved one does something that is normal. We dare to think that perhaps some miracle has happened. Then reality hits and we know that nothing has changed. The other thing that resonated with me was talking about some things that we must do alone even though we have loved ones supporting us. To me, making the decision about placement and ultimately taking your loved one to a nursing home is another path that we must take alone.