My DH is going to put me over the top!!! HE has gotten so defiant lately. It is like watching a 3 year old. I had just about finished cleaning the house and had just washed the floor. I was going to come into the kitchen from the garage so I asked him to please wait a minute or go to the front door. He said sure and looked right at me and stepped into the kitchen dragging a dirty broom and proceeded to bounce it on the clean floor. this has been a battle all week. I ask him nicely to stop and he just does it more. I was ready to throw in the towel. What can I do. If he were a child he would have definitely spent the rest of the day in his room!!!!!!!
DH cannot process information especially commands.... Simple suggestions and I mean nice suggestions go un- noticed.. He appears to be arrogant and defiant when really, he doesn't have a clue...Your situation happens here all the time and yes, I could bite a snake and I don't LIKE snakes.. He's doing what you're doing, coming into the clean kitchen floor but not digesting that you are tippy toeing in while he bounces a dirty broom up and down on the clean floor.... Logic and reasoning, along with being uncooperative.... all shot. What really makes me mad is when he laughs at the whole thing.. Great sport to him... Anybody want to join me for a Margarita.....???
ol don...Do I know you? I wish he remembered who LSU was right now. I surely enjoyed New Orleans on the times we attended the Alabama/LSU games. Especially when we won and some LSU fan kept hitting the rear end of the car when we were leaving the stadium. By the way, tell me that wasn't you.
I don't even drink --but Lord knows this disease could make a person start!! And if we get to go SOMEWHERE -it would be even better!! Anywhere but home.
Don't know if this is the proper thread but Lord knows DH is defiant.. We went to church and in coming out DH, not allowing help as usual, took a 360 spin, fell on his spine and cracking his head.. bloody mess, everyone at church helping, paramedics were called and two nurses in attendance worked on him.. He's pulling away from them, saying he WILL not go to a hospital and will not ride in emergency vehicle and will not , I forgot what else... Basically, he was not nice... finally they deemed it OK for him to sit up so a chair was brought,, My gosh they had to hold him down on that.. all the time stating that he felt fine and he could walk and get along just fine without help.. Short of the story.. No stitches necessary but a concussion is possible not to mention his back reacting to the fall..and I imagine his getting up in the night and in the morning is going to be something to deal with.. He is now taking his walker apart... My gosh, I'm allowing that.. anything to shut him up... In the process, he wastes no time telling me how I'm not nice and don't do things for him.. Today, forgive me, but he's lucky I didn't leave him in the middle of the freeway...thanks for listening...
Those are the times that we want to tell them to out and play in traffic. The only thing I know to tell you is this, too, will pass. That's what I told myself when my children were growing up and now at 83 I am saying it again.
I'm also a card carrying member of the Defiance Survivors Club. My DH absolutely refuses to cut his fingernails and toenails (sorry to be gross -- if you're eating as you read this I apologize). I'm trying to figure out how to get him to a podiatrist because they look awful. I think I'm living with Howard Hughes!
I often wonder if the defiance is an effort to retain some type of control. Even though we never talk about it, I think that deep down my husband knows what's happening to him and he's mad about it. So he just likes to be defiant. Mine really isn't too bad except for this personal care issue -- it's really maddening considering that he showers daily and dresses neatly. Of course, just to be extra polite, he folds his dirty undies and socks and puts them back in the drawer -- and then I fish them all out every week and wash them all -- I can't figure out what's dirty or clean!
Oh well, it's just another day on the road to Alzheimer's Ville!
Elaine, I had his GP refer him to a podiatrist. He never would have gone otherwise, I don't think. Dr. told him he was going to have foot problems if he didn't go. He now goes every 9 weeks, paid for by medicare and his supplement.
Thanks for the suggestion Vickie. I have been thinking I should have the GP refer him. My husband likes to take walks and I have told him his feet will start to hurt if he doesn't have the nails trimmed. He just smirks at me and walks away. I'm kind of thinking that I'm going to ask our daughter to cozy up to him and ask him to trim his fingernails -- maybe she can convince him that it would look better. Surprisingly, my husband confided in our daughter two years ago that he was having trouble with directions while driving. He's never admitted it to me.
Podiatrist is the answer to toenails; maybe a manicurist, pretty & friendly of course, could do his nails if he could be convinced to do it.
I've been wondering if my hb's hanging onto pants when I'm trying to help him change briefs and britches is Elaine K's summation: deep down knows he's losing control and hangs on and is defiant about this and some other things. Peggy, I don't know whether I could deal with experiences like yours--probably not, but guess we don't always have choices. Bless you.
Today we didn't go to church because hb was up wandering at 4:00. Then I got him back to bed. He didn't want to get up for breakfast and didn't (only two calls for meal); so let him sleep until 10. Of course, I'd gotten up, cooked breakfast and was ready to do our usual Sun. routine.
Great,, I have the same with DH.. another thing to confer with the dr. tomorrow.... My list growth....DH thinks a grinder is the way to go for healthy nails.. they look like hooves and are as tough..If I tell him Ins. will cover this, I know he'll be receptive.. This is a wonderful place to come to share what works and what doesn't ... and to laugh and most times cry with each other.. Bless you for all you do that goes unthanked...and is expected as part of your job..
Since spouses are regressing I tend to chalk it up to what your 2 or 3 ear old would have done at that age. I know it sounds (I I used to believe as well) that they are just trying to control what they can but the more I deal with DH's defiance the more he acts like a 3 year old. If I could paddle him I would!!!!! Did lose it yesterday and grabbed the broom from his hand and threw it out the door! DIdn't fell better though as I felt like I had been reduced to his level. Just overly frustrated as of late!!!
phil13 -funny you mentioned paddleing them-I just told my DH I felt like paddleing him for getting in and out of bed all the time,he just looked right through me as though I was talking to the wall! And yes bluedaze-problem is they are not toddlers because with a toddler we were pretty sure they would out grow the problems-with this we know it will only get worse!!
I'm quite late in catching up with the message boards, but I wanted to respond to your original post under this thread. I know this is very hard to believe, but it has happened to me many times - what we read as defiance is very often memory lapse. I know it seems impossible - I have screamed at my own husband often enough when it happens, but one time (well, many times), after I told him to do something, he didn't do it. Not more than a minute later, I asked him AGAIN to do whatever it was, and asked (very impatiently) WHY didn't you do what I asked. I got the eyes down puppy dog look, and he said, "I forgot."
My first reaction was to think that he was making it up - How could he forget that fast? Unfortunately, I've seen it in his eyes more often lately. In his own words, he says - "It doesn't stick. It's gone as soon as you say it."
Now that I understand, I don't expect him to remember. While I have been recuperating, if I need him to do something for me in the kitchen (for example), I write it down in simple numbered steps. It's so sad, but that's the way it is, and that's the only way he remembers.
Whoever mentioned holding on to the briefs while you are trying to change them made me laugh. My husband holds on for dear life. As soon as I pry one side of the diaper out of his hands, the other hand holds tighter. I make that hand let go and the other side is regrabbed. It is like playing with an octopus. He does that with all of his clothing as well. I really believe that most of their behaviours can be attributed to fear. Of course, that doesn't stop me from wanting to run far, far away screaming all the while.
I remember divvi telling us about her husband doing the same thing. While it is comical to read about I'm sure it is quite the challenge. I think her husband got white knuckled hanging on for dear life to his depends.
My hb hangs on to briefs and trousers for dear life, too. He's quite strong, too. jang's description fits us. I'll bet there is not one (1) single, solitary thing that happens to only one of us. It's reaffirming to read here that I'm not alone in my battle of the drawers.
My husband did the same thing. It is very frustrating, however, I always thought it was because being taught from a young age, not to show your privates to anyone. I think at that moment, my being his wife didn't matter.
HA! yEAH I call it the white knuckle syndrome~ and by the way, this is one thing that has NOT gone away. even today barely able to amble to the shower with us holding him up and pulling pushing when its time to get into the shower hes got hold of those depends.if we turn lose of any hand for 5sec it goes for the depend. sorry to say this has not passed even in late stages.
My thumbs got sprung from the grabbings. It's part of why I couldn't manage him at home after he broke his hip. Needed two people to lift him for changing and a third to hold his hands.
Thanks for starting this thread-it is VERY timely for us. Lately DH refuses to do ANYTHING he is directed to do - the answer is always "NO". Sometiimes he does what you specifically ask him NOT to do. It is wearing both my patience and stamina down. Yesterday I yelled at him and told him he MUST listen to me because he could endanger himself. I think it is partially a processing issue, however, when I was speaking with his aide last night regarding how to keep him in bed longer in the am he says"Well where is it that you want me to sleep?" It must also be very difficult to know your world is getting smaller and is controlled by others. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
This thread actually made me laugh..my dw does exactly the same thing, but at times, she manages to grab hold to me , and she grabs on to anything within reach....Shall I tell you what is within reach when I sit her on the toilet??? There may have been a day when I would look forward to that, but now it strikes a huge fear in me....she hangs on so tight and will not let go...and My voice goes up three octabes in pitch.
Well, we just solved the problem of the broom coming into the house. DH told me that the government allows him to do it so I can't stop him!!!!!!! I think I will be branded a communist by next week!
Happy you can solve the problem. Not so easy for me. I bought dh a new pair of limb cutters. They now have a nesting place in our pantry! DH is afraid someone might steal them out of the garage. DH has always been good at putting the trash together for the weekly pickup. Insists on doing it in the kitchen now; brings in the yard waste and tapes the bag with expensive packaging tape (lots of it). It is his main activity of the week. He gets up at 5 am in order to have the stuff at the curb by 7:30 am. And HE is disappointed at the way I turned out.
Problem NOT solved but I hope you can get your husband to move the trash packing outside! I'd hide the expensive tape and get some masking tape. My DH used to use duct tape to seal the trash. Just watches me carry it out now.
A few weeks ago I noticed how defiant my husband was getting,feel better knowing so many are going thru same situations. He did mention that he felt his life was getting our of control and I was making too many of the decisions. I always tell him what is going on but of course he doesn't remember. I think life is going to get much more difficult,hope I can hold up.