I nursed my wife for ten years and now she is very happy in a home and has been for two years. I am lonely and now have a friend. I cannot live without someone to love. I visit my wife twice a week and still love her. But I must have someone to love. For some time a lady from church has been interested in me but I did not realise it. Now we have become partners and I have put all of this before God. We have not had full sex but intend to do so very soon. My wife does not suffer. I still attend the sacraments. I think God is understanding and forgiving. I place my life and trust in him . It is adultery but what matters is what is in the heart and what the circumstances are that I am dealing with.
Please don't have any quilt. Your wife is probably in her own little world now. She is no longer the woman you married.
My feelings are: You are and have been seeing that she has the care she needs. This is what is important. I know this is very personal and everyone has to do what they feel is in their best interest....you have a life too....so live it as you want.
I agree with JudithKB. You are seeing to her needs now and have been a good caregiver. If you can find some happiness in the midst of this terrible path we are all on, you deserve it.
nordholm, No more guilt...I admire you for standing by your DW, giving her all the love and attention she's able to understand... I know many do not agree with our thinking and many have wrestled with our basic religious teachings, but doesn't this disease bend the rules ? It forces us into accepting the breakdown of our marriages and into a loneliness that cannot be described. ... And yes, if this lovely new lady gives you the courage to face another day, giving you a reason to smile and love, the way men and women are intended, then it is strickly your decision.... There are those in the community who will judge,,, I say to them, "I hope this Never happens to you and if it does, then be very careful with judgement".... Be Happy... I wish you well.... you deserve it....
nordholm, I noticed you just registered today. So welcome. You immediately jumped into the deep end. I want to give you a heads up about this topic. The religous implications are supposed to be an off limits topic on this site. Given that, I would say what I have always wonder is why do people in general think it would be OK to divorce your wife and then go on with your life. I do not understand how that is being a good person. You are honoring your wife by seeing that she is taken care of and taking care of your needs too. I see nothing wrong with this given the situation. I wish you the best and glad that you have found someone who is understanding of your situation.
Welcome to my website. As moorsb said, you jumped right in with a topic that is one of the reasons I started this website. No one but another spouse could understand what Alzheimer spouses go through. We have had extensive discussions on this topic. Copy and paste - http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/search.php?PostBackAction=Search&Keywords=sex+&Type=Topics&btnSubmit=Search
Highly recommended Blog -http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/tomandmarycompanions.htm
I just had shoulder surgery, so my welcome is shorter than usual - can't type too well. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com for daily blogs, news, and information.
I personally don't see this so much as a "religious" topic as one of moral question and maybe a legal one..but that said, this topic has been on the threads before and the general feeling here is that each one has to make that decision for themselves and no one here sits in judgement... This disease leaves us lonely for a lot of things and how we cope is as individual as each one on the forums are. So what might be right for one might not for another...but don't lug guilt around in addition to all the rest of the grief this disease deposits upon you. You are taking good care of your wife and at this point that is the obligation to her that you have. To have friends and some social interaction at whatever level is something no one on the outside has the right to make comments about..until they walk in our shoes...... Take care and welcome to our group. You will find lots of people where who are kind and offer wonderful helpful tips on all sorts of issues and there is even room for humor here..wait until you meet Phranque and Marsh!
You've been honest before your god. As Moorsb pointed out divorcing now would absolve you of the conflict but break the spirit of the truth. This is complicated and by tending to your wife's needs while honestly moving forward with your life seems both the wisest and the most loving course for all concerned.
Continue to open your heart to the truths as you are already doing. Sex without love is sex. Sex with love is love. I wouldn't worry about the 'full' part. What matters is in the heart.
I am not in this position yet but totally agree with what everyone else has said. You have been a good caregiver and YOU need a life beyone this dreaded disease. Do what your heart says. I still love my DH...he is still doing fairly well most days, but there are times when I wish for a more "normal" life. It won't be with Tom...that normalcy has changed into something else. Good luck with whatever you decide and remember to think of yourself as well as your spouse.
My MIL would be 102 this year. Fifteen years ago her best friend who was her age and was the wife of my scout master who died - married her high school sweetheart. That's 87. He waited a year to the day after the funeral, called her up, and bang!
So to speak. And I went to my friend's mother's wedding just a couple of years ago and she is in her 90's.
On the other hand there are stories around like Willy Nelson who recently grumbled, "I have outlived my duck."
I might have one letter wrong there.
Get away from the keyboard Wolf. No! I'm never growing up. Time for bed. Second star till morning! Time to shut the light off. TAKE NO PRISONERS! You can't wear your Raybans® to bed. SHAZAAM! YES! I CAN!
You will find no judgement here. A second partner / replacement partner is probably a better description to use than adultery. Search the web for "Jan's Story" There is a video and a book.
I am 52 my wife is 60 and has had symptoms for 5 years. I was very bothered by what AD was doing to my marriage and what kind of future I faced.
To survive I eventually had to do what is described elsewhere on this board and get an EMOTIONAL divorce or become an EMOTIONAL widower. I plan to stay with her legally 'till death do us part' but I have fully accepted in my heart that an intellectual or cognitive death will take her long before a physical death does.
This change in perspective helped me balance my emotional books and plan for MY future. I know HER future Remember: Alzheimer's is a terminal illness.
While religion and politics are kept out of our discussions, spiritually most certainly IS a part of being an Alzheimer's Spouse. The article below discusses how various religions are beginning to deal with this issue. Reading how Jewish scholars are working to make sense of AD & marriage is pretty interesting.
AD is a disease of aging and it is not realistic to expect that sacred texts that were written centuries ago when life expectancy was only about 50 years would include the unique aspect of dealing with this crazy illness and its affect on a marital relationship. So modern theologians are blazing new trails just like they had to do to incorporate DNR orders and other situations when the end of life is modified by modern medicine.
What is natural? and what is right? . . . Soul searching will be necessary on your part but in our community we all promote striving to survive an Alzheimer's marriage psychologically and emotionally intact.
The disease WILL take one person, dont let it take two!
Welcome nordholm. yes its a sensitive topic among many but to each his own. we all chose what we are comfortable living with now we are bound by bonds of AD. one thing we seem to have learned over the years is never say never and never judge til you have walked a mile in the other persons shoes. if we look at the grand scheme of things going on in this world we live, look how many have affairs WITHOUT any other obstacles that we have? no terminal illnesses involved and the extramartial affairs are rampant and many newsworthy these days. if having a companion helps you thru as you continue to oversee the care of your dear wife, who could say its right or wrong. living without the love element is one of the hardest hurdles in this disease. i myself mind i have no emotional energy left after dealing with AD for so long so at this point its a moot question. 'after' we can hope maybe to have some continuity of a normal life, whatever that may imply later.
Thankyou everyone. I am a very young 69. My friend is 70 and beautiful. I saw MDW JULIA this afternoon and we had a lovely amusing time. I have a lot more to put in and will do so later this evening. (in uk) God Bless Peter X
As others have said, we do not judge here. We try to support and lift each other up. Refreshing isn't it! I see all grounds have been covered already by the wonderful folks here. The only thing I would add is ..... perhaps it will help you if you try to remember that your dear wife loved you very much and would want you to be happy!
I have given this a lot of thought.....it isn't something I am thinking about... BUT, if I was the one with Alzheimer's, I would want my wonderful husband to find happiness. Granted not right away! But 10 years of caregiving...that is enough for Sainthood in my book!
HI Nordholm here again... My DW was about 59 when AD began to exhibit. As time went on she seemed to have realised what was happening to her. Suddenly, one night, she said to me completely out of the blue ' When I go I want you to enjoy yourself.' When she did go I had to return to a black hole of a house full of awfulness. I became ill and had to see a psychiatrist (A big deal in England where we are supposed to have a 'stiff upper lip'! ) Time did not heal. And the loneliness was ghastly. I remember soon after the evening meal having to retire to bed because my mind and body could not take the trauma. I lay in bed shouting expletives because this was the only way I could handle it. The room was going round and round. Sleep would come and I would awake still in the middle evening and try to go down and carry on. Often this was impossible. Everything I tried seemed to be atrocious. Am I to spend the rest of my life like this? I would think. Then I realised that drastic changes should be made. I was visiting my DW three times a week and coming away with guilt, major big-time ; pains in my head and guts and a pain sundering bowel feelings that could not be assuaged. I cut the visits to two and occasionally one. A long time passed and I have had to throw myself into making the house MY house because DW will never return. I finally accomplished the remodelling three months ago with a new carpet on the hall, stairs and landing. I also bought an excellent Chinese rug for the lounge, my wife did not like them but I do. Slowly I realised that a good Christian lady was interested in me in a wholehearted and loving manner. She told me that after she had been widowed it was some time until she met a person she could really relate with and that person is me. I was shattered. This woman loved me and I found this totally wonderful and I have turned to her and we love each other and she is slowly becoming my darling partner and my constantly deeply loved significant other. As one man in a situation that is new and never been in existence since the world began - am I required to commit 'Sutti' the now banned Hindu ritual of the widow throwing herself on the husband's funeral pyre with the roles reversed? No - the road to heaven and God leads UP. Driving towards the scrapyard is not a good option. I steer for the positive and dismiss the negative comments of 'friends' who were never there when Julia got ill with AD and then only popped up to criticise when they saw, or heard gossip, that I was with a new woman friend. A human has only so much strength and as has been said before 'martyrdom is not recommended' My DW and I are probably as close but in a non-communicative sense as ever. She is very happy. I am happy now. I need the strength of my Love for my new partner to carry on. Criticise me if you want but try wearing these shoes first - that's what I will tell the next person who glowers or sniffs and turns away, even in the benches of the Holy Church. God give us all strength. God give us the strength to trust You even in this dank backwater of unrelieved burdened soul. Nordholm
I found your last post above, really interesting...especially about the part of remodeling the house, choosing things you like etc. I find change very hard and wonder if I would ever be comfortable changing furniture, etc.So much of what we have he had prior to our marriage...but some was mine and a small amount is ours. I have step kids and always wanted them to feel the house was their home and to do that they needed things familiar to them so I did not get rid of the things once shared by the ex....To this day the kids feel like they come home when they see the same furniture they grew up around...never mind they change theirs at the flick of a switch...but they do like like the stability of the old faithful Thomasville...and beside furniture today is not made as well and I am not about to trade it off for compressed board.
I get sentimentally attached to some things...But I know we have to move on too...nothing stays the same.... I think it is wonderful for you to have a loving friend who understands what you are enduring..and as she has been there herself, she is all the more patient and understanding. You are lucky to have a second match made in heaven and I think your lovely Julia ( I love that name) would be happy to know you are are going to do more than survive after you mourn...which is what we are all doing at different levels as we make this unwanted journey...
As to those " friends" who sniff behind your back...you know the ones who drifted off...they weren't friends in the true sense of the word in the first place.
By the way, what part of England are you? I have friends in Kent..I love England and Iceland too.
Mimi Thankyou. I had to move churches because of the gossip and scandal. Most people don't take the trouble to think things through - they probably take the easiest way which is to be negative so that the gossips and the faulty philosophers are satisfied and feel 'justification' . Kent is a long way from me (in British terms!). I am in Merseyside, near Liverpool. When I was young I traveled a lot but I holiday in the UK. I am going camping with my friend D to the Lake District tomorrow. The weather should be good! We have a friend who is overly sentimental but otherwise very sensible. She keeps texts from her children for ages and gets old photos out and spends hours looking at them. This sort of thing really upsets me so I dont do it. Old photos are what once was. We are living now. We go forward together. Look behind and you may trip up. Best wishes, Mimi from Peter
Peter, Welcome to the site from an ex Brit. I am originally from Liverpool but have lived here in the US for 46 years. Ignore the gossips, what you do is your business and has nothing to do with other people. My DH is 82 and was dx'd in 2007 with AD but it was going on long before that I just didn't know the signs. Have a great time in the Lake District, I was there a few years ago with my niece and two sisters.
I think you will always find some that the only way to make themself look good, is to tear someone else down. You can only guess that they do not know the whole story. After All AD makes the forget things right!
Peter, I have every Mother's Day card the kids ( my step kids) have given me over the last 34 years: every birthday card and anniversary card from them and my DH. When I was stationed overseas for 2 years, I was so far away from home that I began to save every letter from my parents...if anything happened to them I would have their words as advice later..and from then on I kept every one until they couldn't write anymore. After they died, I re read them in chronological order and it was amazing how over the years things became clear about issues within the family...And since they died, and I don't live where I can go put flowers on the graves, I will get a card on their birthday or anniversary, or one of the other major holidays and write something about what is going on in my life or the lives of other family members. I am not one to write in a diary on a daily basis and so it sort of serves for family history....kids grew and got married, babies born, trips to the UK : ), things like that as a sort of way to remember them on those special days.
I too find photos a little hard to look at, not the early ones where my folks were well but the later ones where they do look decidedly frail. Those are hard as I can see them in my mind's eye as strong and single minded and strong willed and efficient, and successful..but seeing my dad, my rock in hard and difficult times, now depending upon me is more than I can take...they make me sad too.
Mimi You have a great way of doing things. I was getting a bag out to take on the trip just now and there were two pairs of J's little socks in there. Months ago I would have had a big step backwards just then - now I can see more clearly and think in a kind but objective way (as far as I can tell!). Since the beginning of time this situation has never happened - we are coping with it all. And there are other social mores that have changed radically in our lifetime - one had to keep the news of what one's kids were doing from our parents - two colossal groups - one that never changed and one that did nothing but change. We were in the middle and it was the same for everyone of my age. An Anglican Doctor friend of mine said that when the Ten Commandments were given there was no such thing as a LONG ILLNESS - in those biblical days you were either Dead or Alive. Add this to the changes and we begin to see the picture that AD has drawn. There are no Refresher Courses in this one life. We all just get on with it and glad to do so. As Bob said 'The Times Are A-changing' Thankyou to all my American (including Scouse friends - Jean21) Peter
Hi Jean 21 Good old Liverpool! The place has changed immensely. The poverty is almost all gone. No-one looks down on anybody any more. The faces smile more and the usual outrageous people in the streets have got more brave! D and I went to an African Music festival in Sefton Park a week ago. There were thousands there. I did not see a long face all day. The city is clean and all the new buildings are wonderful. The buses and the trains run like clockwork and you hardly see a drunk or hear anyone swear. Good changes to put alongside our AD strangenesses. Compare all that to the bomb sites and devastation of my childhood - the remains of the Blitz. We could only go on and upwards couldn't we! Best Wishes Peter
Nordholm - most of what can be said about this has already been posted. When I was DH's caregiver, I called myself a 'married widow.' The marriage had died, our vows don't make allowances for that. Two people sharing a house, a meal, a bed does not a marriage make. From time to time, men would approach me, but they were never of interest to me. After I placed him, the worst day of my life, I still had advances, and he--the ol' devil--took up with a femal patient in the facility and they were all over each other. He did, however, introduce her to everyone as 'my wife, Betty.' People thought I should scratch her eyes out, but I could see my DH needed that female closeness and comfort. I was happy for him, and they were both demented after all. For many, AD or not, that need remains, it's perfectly natural and if it doesn't hurt anyone else, why deny it?
Shortly after he died, a man did drop into my life. It took a while before we each realized 'something important' was there. The cemetery is nearby, and I'd go visit my DH, sit on the grass, talk to him and cry. Then, I'd wipe my eyes and say, "Well, honey, I have to leave now, I'm going to meet 'X,' I'll see you soon." And off I'd go. I did briefly question how I was dividing myself in this fashion, but I just let nature guide me and whatever anyone, in or out of church, friends or family might say or think, was of no importance to me. It's my life--inasmuch as possible I'm in charge. You have taken the same road, do not second guess yourself or your choices. People like us have more than fulfilled our vows, I'm happy for you.
As I've said many times here Life is for living,our LO's are in a differant place mentally,the companionship both physicle an mental that we shared with our LO's is gone never to return,its bad enough that this disease has claimed one life its not going to claim two,when the caregiver goes years without even a conversation that makes sense with LO I see no reason to continue the charade,let others talk if they will,until they've gone thru the same thing they have no idea what a caregiver goes thru hourly,daily,weekly,Nordholm I'm with you 100% enjoy the time you have left an never feel guilty